Answering “Do These Pants Make My Ass Look Fat?”

There comes a time in every man’s life, when the woman he is involved with asks the dreaded question.
“Do these pants make my ass look fat?”   (DTPMMALF)
Guys tend to be simple creatures with basic needs. Feed us, let us have a place to sleep and some form of entertainment and we usually run at 95% of maximum happiness. Most guys will automatically attempt to answer any question with a one word answer. Unfortunately the only words that spring to mind are either “yes” or “no”.
Answering “yes” is of course a terrible choice. If you can’t figure out why on your own, you’re probably not salvageable as a male. (Also those kids calling you Dad probably aren’t yours either – just a heads up)
Answering “no” is not the relationship suicide that answering “yes” is, but…
Buy Me!

Why You Must Break Out Of The Friendzone

Just ran across a brilliant video from Adam Lyons at PUA Blog. Well worth the time to watch. This all very much comes back to my essential point that you must bring both Alpha and Beta Male traits to bear in your marriage.
The dreaded LJBF (Lets Just Be Friends) statement is to dating success, as the dreaded ILYBINILWU (I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You) is to marriage. If you ever hear that statement coming from your wife, that is a huge huge HUGE red flag that you are way too Beta and need to start ramping up the Alpha skills immediately.
The one adjustment I would make is that I dont see it totally as needing a balancing act between friendship/comfort and player/attraction. I think these are two different skill sets and while you do need to bring both to the table, they both can come in differing amounts and still be successful. The difference between creating average comfort and average attraction is balanced, but quite different from creating high comfort and high attraction, or low comfort and low attraction.
I’ve covered that in more depth here More On Alpha and Beta Male   After all… I’m pretty sure you aren’t married to your wife to “just be friends”.

Ask Google What A Wife Wants…

Some dark, raw, politically incorrect things in there… but this is apparently what wives are searching Google for more information on with the highest frequency.
Make of it what you will.

Cock Killing Medication: Persistent SSRI Sexual Dysfunction

One of the most important things in having a wonderful sex life with your wife, is having a functional penis. It’s important that blood can flow in, it can get hard, it can stay up, you can come to orgasm, and you can squirt a good amount of semen into her. It’s also important that you have some amount of sexual desire, in that it’s fairly normal that your first reaction on meeting an attractive woman is “I’d like to tap that”. Ideally you should also be experiencing that “I’d like to tap that” reaction with your wife quite frequently. It’s not just normal, it’s a display of positive male health.
As a man there is a real sense that your entire body is a life support system for your penis. From a biological point of view, that’s your prime directive, whip it out, plug it in, make more little humans. Plus it’s fun. So your penis is like the canary in the coal mines. If it stops working or starts failing for any reason, you find out why, and stop doing whatever is causing it… immediately. So if you want to loosely summarize my entire approach to male health, the rule is, if it’s good for your penis and semen, it’s basically good for you as a whole. Here’s a check list of examples…
Exercise… check
Good diet… check
Not Smoking… check
Not drinking alcohol to excess… check
Not chugging coffee… check
Not overusing bicycle seats or taking hits to the groin… check
Moderate protein supplementation… check
Not getting diabetes by consuming endless sugar… check
Adequate fluid intake… check
Getting enough sleep… check
Controlling stress levels… check
Having a single critically bad day at work and starting on SSRI anti-depressants… whoa whoa whoa WHAT?
Lets talk about that last one shall we. And first, I have to post a disclaimer… I am not a doctor, any and all medication changes you make, should be under the direction of a licensed physician. This post does not substitute for medical advice. Do not start, stop, change, alter, tweak, adjust or even consider flushing your medications down the toilet without talking to your doctor first. If you are truly crazy, you should seek medical attention. If you react to ambulances the same way criminals react to police cars, you’re probably crazy and should stop trying to remove the restraints. Ask politely and we’ll talk about it. I said politely.
So that little piece said… I’ve been long aware of the potential for sexual side effects from SSRI medications. Most notably for reductions in desire and ability to have an orgasm. These are well known potential side effects. Interestingly a year or so ago, I noticed that for a few of them in my drug book there was a subtle change. Some of them were now being actively prescribed for Premature Ejaculation.  So Mr Trigger Happy goes on Prozac, and becomes less trigger happy because the Prozac nerfs his desire, excitement and sexual sensation.
So what was a horrible side effect, has now for some cases been turned into the purpose of treatment. Basically in computer geek speak… “it’s not a bug it’s a feature”. It’s also a clear admission of what the drugs are going to do to you if you take them. To be 100% blunt, my drug book says the purpose of SSRI medications, is to make you less depressed and kill your cock.
Perhaps I overstate a little, “kill” is such a harsh Saxon word. Why not get some more scientific data. I turn to the Center for the Evaluation of the Risks to Human Reproduction who have a  157 page report on Prozac (Fluoxetine) who concluded (pg 143) that;
“The Expert Panel concluded there is sufficient evidence in humans that fluoxetine produces reproductive toxicity in men and women manifested as impairment of sexual function, specifically orgasm.”
“Reproductive toxicity” doesn’t exactly say “it kills your cock”, but it sure makes me nervous about ever experiencing date night again. And to be honest while my wife loves me deeply and sweetly, I’m pretty sure me catching a bad case of Reproductive Toxicity would be the beginning of the end for us. Lets be serious – this is why we’re married to each other. I just spent the last 15 years programming her with that, it’s not meant to backfire on me lol.
I’ve also been long aware of how difficult some people find getting off SSRI medications is. It’s called SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome That link is worth reading simply in it’s own right. (As an aside, many of these drugs now come in liquid forms, the purpose of which is to enable tiny adjustments to your drug dosage so you can be ultra slowly weaned off the medication.)
However what I have recently discovered is that the well known sexual dysfunction from taking SSRI medications, can often continue on after stopping the medication. You absolutely must read on PSSD (Persistent SSRI Sexual Dysfunction)
Pulling some appalling numbers together – and I admit that the data is somewhat loose here, but to an extent the science is kinda new, so we have to go with what we’re got. Assuming the Wikipedia figures of “up to 60%” of people on SSRI’s experience sexual dysfunction is reasonably correct. And assuming that the PSSD figures on Wikipedia of “up to 55%” of people who have been on a SSRI still experience sexual dysfunction six months after stopping the medication… my quick and dirty math comes to a rough 1 in 3 chance that starting on a SSRI medication will result in long term sexual dysfunction, even if you stop the medication.
Does sexual function return sometime after that six month mark? I’ve got no clue – no one seems to have even asked the question, or done a study on it.
Hey maybe I’m way off on those numbers. I truly hope I am. That’s a lot of deeply saddened people, and shattered marriages out there for every occurrence. I’m not getting any enjoyment from reporting this stuff. But even if I’m overestimating by a factor of three, that’s still a rough 10% shot that starting on a SSRI will deep six your sex life. Maybe permanently. Of course if I’m even partly right, that means thousands of people would have been affected. You can join a group of 2249 of them in a Yahoo group where the permanent damage is discussed.
In the end though, I do have to admit that while Wikipedia is nice and an easy source of information, and I’m basically a science guy, ultimately what is spooking me is the stories of people I’m coming across. While I do know of many people who say that SSRI therapy has really helped them, I’ve also come across multiple stories of despair over SSRI destroying sexuality on Talk About Marriage. I really have no answers for those people other than to get off the meds… if you can.
Also in talking with a few friends about this issue recently, I’ve had the most heart wrenching conversations about their lives. I can only imagine the agony of being scammed out of an active sex life forever because of a few bad days one partner had, and an “easy solution” to that in pill form.
Have a look at the video below. More importantly, actually go to Youtube and read the comments, and start following your nose to what you can find related to those videos. I won’t pretend that it’s a scientific methodology, but it’s frightening what other lay people are reporting.
One comment in particular caught my eye and gave me the absolute heebie jeebies…
“I had 11 days of fluoxetin a month ago, my sex drive wnt down, my erections lost power… I don’t know if I will make it they have not returned. I really hope they do”
Anyway… this post is far more personal than I’ve let on up until this point. I had a pretty bad day myself recently. The short version is that work has been hell for well over a year with short staffing, I’ve had multiple close family members with serious medical issues – as in my father, my wife, and both daughters all within the last two months, I’m juggling school in bits and pieces and all the normal family life issues as well. I had a truly awful day at work, felt physically terrible all day, and I went to the ER because I wanted to rule out having some sort of cardiac issue. Chest x-ray came back fine, my EKG said I was just peachy. I was diagnosed as having a stress reaction and when they offered me an Ativan I took it because I was interested in basically having my first recreational drug use experience of my life. I am simply horrifyingly square I know, I know. (I was disappointed, I’m damned if I know if it did anything at all for me.)
So naturally there was a follow up to review my results etc and doctor agreed that while I had multiple serious stressors in my life peaking together, perhaps it could be managed better by taking something like Lexapro. Now about half my job description is being a psych nurse, so being offered to be prescribed psych meds is one part shock, one part insult, one part temptation and five parts self-doubt. To be honest I’m very good at talking crazy people into taking their psych meds, and now all my patter is running through my head… “Well you want to have a good day right? Listen it doesn’t bother me if you don’t take your meds, I’m just worried that if you don’t, something bad will happen and we’ll all be holding you down this afternoon. Someone could get hurt. You could get hurt. I’ll be back in a few minutes and ask again, take your time.” And then you game them a little by gently touching their arm and go to leave and they almost always fold.
I declined the Lexapro script. I think simply because in that moment I couldn’t agree to standing on the other side of the med cup. I do not take psych meds, I give psych meds. That is what I do.
Still she very kindly gave me a months supply of free samples of Lexapro. I was polite and took it. Shoved it in my medicine cabinet where it sat like bad sushi. Since then I’ve done a lot of thinking, reading, searching and talking to people. Jen and I talked, long and deep – now really is a difficult time, but most of the stressors are temporary. As I said before, I have no illusions that we would survive as a couple if the sex ended between us. So for me, for us, this is simply an unacceptable risk.
Listen I really know some people are truly helped by psych meds. But I also know some people, some marriages, are damaged beyond belief by them. Be advised, talk to your doctor, research on your own. I will be reporting to my doctor on Monday that I’m not taking the Lexapro samples, I don’t have to, but it’s common sense. Don’t be a lone gun with psych meds.
So here’s the takeaway point. If you are ever offered these medications, it’s probably going to be happening on the crappiest day of your life. When you are worn down to your weakest and most vulnerable. Maybe you truely need them, maybe you don’t. Personally I’d change everything else you can first before admitting you need them. But that’s just me. So as I said before, if it’s good for your penis and semen production, it’s probably good for you. You may have to live like a monk to get through your crisis, but that’s maybe the easy way out after all.
Exercise… check
Good diet… check
Not Smoking… check
Not drinking alcohol to excess… check
Not chugging coffee… check
Not overusing bicycle seats or taking hits to the groin… check
Moderate protein supplementation… check
Not getting diabetes by consuming endless sugar… check
Adequate fluid intake… check
Getting enough sleep… check
Controlling stress levels… check
Deep kissing… check
And for the record… the canary has been successfully sent into the mine four times in the last three days and is doing just great.

Valentines Day and Daytona 500 Scheduling Conflict

If you’re paying attention and planning ahead, you’ve got a sick dread in your stomach that your Daytona 500 day is going to be completely ruined by Valentines Day. Relax I’m here to help. If you put my plan into action right away, as in starting today, there’s still a chance you can see the race – maybe not the whole race, but at least some of the race.

Marriage can’t be all sex all the time, if nothing else it starts to chaff and the cat’s litterbox gets full. Occasionally we need to watch cars travelling 500 miles in a giant circle and ploughing into each other in a huge melee just inches from the end of the race. We are men. We do not need to explain this, nor should be apologize for it. Stand firm. Be your own morning wood.

The problem is that Valentines Day is like a yellow flag event on your marriage. No matter how fast you were going, what your track position is, how much gas in the tank, you’re going to have that voice in your ear giving you instructions. Whether that voice you hear is God, your darling bride, you crew chief, or it’s just mild schizophrenia, it usually pays to listen to it. Specially if you want to avoid two tons of cartwheeling wreckage or an ounce of gold tearfully flung in your direction.
So today, I’m your voice in your head. I’m saying danger ahead, stay low in turn two. We’re gonna gas and go on the yellow, and get you to the front. Like I said before, listen to the voices.
Here’s the thing. Not all women expect to be romanced every day, but they all have a romance tank. Sometimes that tank is full because you’ve romanced her a bit, sometimes her romance tank is empty because you’re eating nachos, constantly farting and jacking off to… whoa hang on kids just walked in. Be cool man, be cool, I’m alt-tabbing a sec…
…k back, anyway, sometimes you’ve not romanced enough along the way and her romance tank is empty. The women don’t always demand it get filled, except on Valentines Day they all feel like they have the divine right to demand their tank get filled all the way up. Which means if you’ve ignored her for too long, you’re gonna miss the whole freaking race running around doing crap with cards, flowers, chocolate and dinner out and anything else you can think of to ward off sleeping on the couch that night.
So we’re going to plan ahead. We’ve going to game her a bit and sneaky top up her romance tank, so she is squishy mellow on Valentines Day and just lets you be. Here’s the routine…
Say to her. “Listen, I’m a stupid man.” See now you’ve established common ground, you have something you both agree on and can build on. It’s okay to pause for a second and just hold her attention there too btw. You should have her full attention before ploughing ahead with the rest of the routine.
“And while I love you with all my heart” good place for a pause here as well. Let her feel those words. Don’t think about her sister naked as you say these words. Straight shoot them.
“I don’t really have a clue what to do to you, or for you, or with you, to make you feel loved by me, the way I do love you.”  Say that “the way I do love you” bit with feeling. Pretend you’re in a movie and this is like the turning point of the on screen romance.
“I’m embrassed for asking, but I am asking for your help, so please help me, know how to make you feel loved, the way I do love you.”  This just rocks because you’re revealing vulnerability to her (and her only) and this automatically will generate a desire in her to open herself to you.
“Now I’m not some smartipants relationship guy, so you gotta keep this simple for me, or I’ll mess it up.”  Also important. Stay grounded. Don’t be something you’re not. She’ll see right through it.
“So lets pretend today is Valentines Day. And if today is Valentines Day, what is just one thing I could do, that would make you feel like you had a good Valentines Day? And you felt loved, like I do love you.” 
Then what ever she says, you do it.
The rule is that it’s “just one thing” don’t turn this into a slave collar lol, just one thing, deflect demands for more than one thing. Say “sorry honey I forgot the first thing when you told me the second thing, what was the one thing you wanted me to do today?” Also you repeat this routine everyday for the rest of your life. Though just do the final paragraph. You will probably find that the first week or so will be item requests, flowers, card, chocolates etc, and over time as her romance need is met, she’ll just turn horny on you and you can just coast along on Ten Second Kisses. Just cope.
My hunch is that if you do this, and make everyday Valentines Day, by the time you get to Valentines Day, her romance tank is going to be so topped up, she’s going to say something like “lol you make every day like Valentines Day, what can I do to make your day special for once?”
And boggity boggity boggity if she goes for that line I got some ideas to keep the race… shall we say… interesting.

Sexy Move For Her: Making NASCAR Interesting

I have an email from Jessica W.

I know you’re writing for men, but some of us ladies read as well, and I’m wondering if I can ask a question. My boyfriend watches a lot of sports on TV and I don’t really mind, because it’s not really something stupid like going out partying at strip clubs or drugs or anything like that. He’s home and I love him. Just I cannot stand to watch NASCAR races. It’s the same stuff everytime. Cars go round and round. Round and round and round and round. The races take so long and I’m starting to feel a bit ignored. I’ve tried talking to him about it, and he agrees with me, but then it comes on again and he zones out again. What can I do to make him pay attention to me?”

Hi Jessica, great to have your question. I’m sure it’s a common concern to many wives and girlfriends. Most major sporting events have half time, so quickee sex during half time is usually traditional and always appropriate, but NASCAR is slightly different and what is socially appropriate is a far more complex ritual. The rules are summarized below;

Lead changes are a drink.

Any time the announcer says the words “loose” you remove an article of clothing.

Any time the announcer says the words “tight” you finger yourself for a minute. Through your clothes if you still have them on.

Any crashes or wrecks you offer your ass for a spanking. One playful slap per car involved is just fine.

Make sure snacks are available at all times. That is not part of the foreplay process, but it is still very important.

Any time the announcer says words to the effect of “we all know the Big One is coming”, moan loudly and rub your boobs.

First ask him who his favorite car is. Every time his car goes into the pits go down on him for as long as the car is on pit road. Playful sucking rather than that thing you do (wink), we don’t want him popping early and having a DNF result.

As soon as the race is over, tell him he has until they spray the champagne in the winners circle to finish inside you, after that you’re getting up and leaving. Doggy style is good. Once they start spraying champagne attempt to crawl away from him… he should be either done, or struggling to hold you in place. Make it a playful tussle! Sexy and fun.

Oh and you make your tips during the commericals. Just say I’ll rub your cock for a dollar. No money no play. Don’t flinch on this issue, make him learn for next week. Make sure he knows he’s not allowed to cum until the race is over though. Tell him if he does that you’ll post on Facebook that he premature ejaculates and you’re lonely. Have the computer open to your Facebook page for best effect.

So Jessica, If all that doesn’t work to get your boyfriends attention, he’s probably just a Jeff Gordon fan.

Dude! Wrong Kind of Game

Guys love game, or… well… games anyway.

…maybe learn to push some other buttons. I’m just sayin’…

warcraft cited as main reason for couples divorce

On Being A Widow of World Of Warcraft

Second Life Affair Ends In Divorce

A Little More On Alpha and Beta Male Traits

Adding some refinement to an earlier post
Most discussion of Alpha and Beta Males see the relationship between them to be polar opposites. In other words, you are either an Alpha Male, or a Beta Male, with not much in between the two. Occasionally you get a reference to an Omega Male who is so terrible at everything that he falls below even the lowest of Betas. The ranking looks like this, and the stereotypical sex life is displayed as well.
However as I’ve said before, I see Alpha Male and Beta Male, as not simply a fixed status, but as…
Buy Me!

Sexy Move: The Pass In The Shower

This one is easy. Assuming you’re not rushing off to work, and have a little time to spend, this move is always good fun and can set the tone for the day together.

Let her get in the shower first and have her shower as normal. Then time your approach to when she would be just about ready to get out. If you’re not sure, go a little earlier rather than later. If she’s already out of the shower, you’re basically screwed as you can’t really ask her to get back into the shower without looking like you failed the timing.

The approach is pretty simple. You get into the shower with her. This is a fairly obnoxious / strong / alpha move in that you are clearly invading her personal space, but you’re her husband so you shouldn’t have too much of an issue breaking her down.

Have a line ready to disarm her if she seems a little shocked at the invasion. Almost the sillier it is the better. You’re trying to convey playful fun, rather than a dangerous scuffle in the shower seeking penetration. Big goofy grin, light tone. Suggestions;

“Pardon me I didn’t know this shower was occupied”

“The hotel sent me up to you, but I’ll need some ID”

“You seem familiar, have we met”

“Shhhhh, don’t tell my wife I’m in here with you”

“Shower Boy” (say it in the same tone as “Room Service”)

“Reporting for duty”

Then just tell her you’re going to wash her back. Have a nice facial scrub of some sort, and use it to wash her back. You can get these from any supermarket for a few bucks, and she probably already has something like this in the shower anyway. Nice big squeeze of it. Take your time. Make it a sensual experience. Everyone loves having their back scrubbed, it feels great. Just scrub her back down.
Once done she’ll need to turn around and rinse off. Then you unload…
“Wow nice rack, are those real?” Remember your naughty boy grin and playful tone. The words don’t actually matter all that much really. You can probably recite the Pledge of Allegiance and make headway if you keep the grin going and the right tone.
Then say it’s your turn, which comes to the delicate passing maneuver where you swap ends of the shower. You don’t have to full on grope, but do obviously enjoy any and all incidental contact as you brush past each other. Oh yeah.
Then she scrubs you down. You rinse off and it’s time to end the routine. If she’s obviously wanting sex right here and now, well go ahead. But otherwise she’s probably going to be wondering if you’re going to try something on her. Kiss for a bit then just gently order her out so you can have your shower. That just might mess with her head a little… in a good way.
Finish your shower, and continue on with your day. After a morning start like this, you can probably run rampant with flirting with her and physical touch all day. Remember – light, playful, fun, and a little I’m being a naughty boy thrown in as well. She’ll be primed for bedtime. You’re welcome.

Running Some Beta Male Game

Occasionally, just for fun, I like to practice my Pick Up Game on girls other than my wife. This sounds like I’m out to get myself in big trouble, but I tend to not push it as far as I could. Ultimately running game is just about having a good time and turning it into a good time for the people you’re with. In fact once you give up on the idea of sex as the goal, and have a Zen like “who cares” attachment to the sex, it all gets much easier to do anyway. Women respond to that lack of neediness.
My mark tonight is much younger than me, and making it clear from the get go that going out to dinner was an idea she has now decided she wasn’t too keen on. She isn’t excited about meeting the people we’re having dinner with either. Mostly because of the small children that are attached to them, and the Rain Forest Cafe in the mall is like a bad Disney attraction that got lost from its friends. Or as she put it, “this place is fail”.
So yeah… small children, the Mall, and a horribly crowed Saturday night in the Rain Forest Café, and a grumpy date. Yeah this is going to take some work to dig out of this hole. Stay with me, I pull this one off.
Firstly we get there on time, and I’m texting the others to say we arrived. Except I’m not just texting, I’m opening with my patented overly complicated military themed text message routine. This is where you attempt to use the most complicated words possible to state simple messages. Ideally the message is so thick, that it’s a slight 3-5 second puzzle for the other person to understand, and then a sudden “oh!” and you get a reply back from them. The military theming allows you to explain actions very well.
The little kids are apparently on a full frenzy in Build A Bear Workshop, and neither me or my date has a desire to suffer through that. So we leave about an hour later and catch the others up. On getting in to the car to head to the mall, I text ahead;

Send: “In Transit”
Received: “K. still in build a bear. Text when u get here.”
We drive over, not much conversation. Oy, she has her shields way up. I’m making no progress. On getting out of the car and walking in to the mall;
Send: “Egress transport. Progressing to rendezvous.” I show this to my girl and get a giggle as I send it. She’s seen this before, and knows what I’m doing. But she thinks I’m doing this to play with those getting the message, she doesn’t twig that I’m doing it as much to play with her. Hey look, I’m funny, literate and playful.
Received: “LOL dinner at 620.” Crud they are taking forever, and now we’re earlier than I planned.
Send: “Aborting Ursidae Construction Center. Recon High Ground. Deploying proximal target 1815″
Received: “???”
Received: “LOL ok. You’re an idiot :-)”
I get another giggle, when I show her that, and we head to the upper level and wander around the mall together. I’m usually trying to escalate the physical touch, but an early attempt at an arm around the shoulder gets shaken off. She doesn’t notice the gentle touches in the small of her back to guide her into a couple of the stores though. She just walks in. Yeah baby… smooooooooth.
We eventually circle around and end up at the Rain Forest Café. And 620pm comes and goes. She’s pretty much trying to avoid the group of ten other people. She’s not really behaving, so I’m pretty much forced into negging her. Rather than saying something to take her down a peg, I simply ignore her, and pay attention to another female…
…well a very precious almost two year old female anyway. Precious is running the most awesome game on everyone, and opens on me by walking away from the group in the middle of a crowded shopping mall. I follow her. Damn she’s good. I’m running about after her like a chump. She’s got me from hello.
I catch up to her and she announces she is going to see the dinosaur. Meaning the animated crocodile outside the restaurant. So we make our way across to see it, her walking with an air of invincibility through a swirl of adults not looking down, me supplying the invincibility in giving off a strong stand back vibe and doing the eye dog sheep herding thing on everyone coming within 20 feet of us. The crowd parts, and I lift her up to see the dinosaur. I’m getting multiple IOIs from chicks near the croc. Meaning like three women nearby all went “aaawwwwwww” as I lifted her up to see. I don’t look back behind me, because I don’t need to look back to know that the rest of my party is watching me.
Yup I’m using a two year old as a pawn.
We hang out for a bit and then head back to the group. Precious is excitable and now her older brother wants to see as well. So we repeat the trip back, and I end up hauling both of them up into the air to see the crocodile. Thank god for the time doing weights, these two are heavy.
Now I have two pawns. I’m rocking out on the preselection, and building social proof. All the women in my group notice and pay attention. (Though honestly I’d like to avoid having my social proof filling diapers while I’m holding them.)
I head back to my girl. We chat a little and she’s still grumpy. I look away and she does a huge dramatic sigh and shuts her eyes and wishes herself far away. I swear to God she’s dreaming of ruby slippers and clicking her heels three times.
I understand being tired, but now she’s just being rude to me, and everyone. I just ask her, “are you ok with all this, or would you just like me to take you home.”
No one wants to be removed from a group. Specially not sent home like a spoiled child who can’t be introduced to anyone. She immediately perks up and says she’ll be fine with this, she’s just tired.
Finally, finally, finally we’re heading in. I isolate her at one end of the table. Now I start playing a game called “guess what liberal arts degree the waiters have”. This works because while being a waiter is an okay job, when you see someone who looks 35 and is running around finding highchairs and taking orders, and holding fake birthday cake, with a fake sparkler and singing happy birthday to someone else’s ankle biters with fake happiness, you know they screwed up somewhere along the way.
Then the guy across from us asks about my Dad. Dad is fighting cancer, and it’s kinda serious, so we talk about that. You can’t plough PUA sets when someone asks about sick family members and not look like a tool. Anyway, missy has some medical knowledge so she opens up a little, and I let her run for a bit. Lots of nods, smiles, and yes that’s right from me. I don’t rub in her face that I’m nurse and know more than she does, she’s trying to gain my approval and display her own value, so I let her.
Totally unplanned. The guy across from us turns into my wing. Just says something seriously nice and flattering about me, that I’m not going to repeat it here for making it sound like I’m bragging. Anyway, it’s a totally rocking Display of Higher Value. My date just looks at me like she got an eye transplant. That’s right sweetheart, I’m the guy.
After that we just plough ahead with stories and fun. With no less than seven birthday songs happening around us which turns into the evenings running gag. By the end of the night, she’s running that routine herself on the rest of us and it’s amusing as hell. I made her funny. She eats it up and the shields are completely switched off. She’s laughing and chatting now.
I finish the dinner with one of my top shelf stories. This is turning into a long post, so I’ll save it for another day, but trust me when I say our end of the table is shitting itself laughing as I relay the story. She’s literally crying with laugher and screaming “no no no” and pounding the table as I finish…
…which gets the attention of the other end of the table. One of the other young ladies gets out of her chair, walks the length of the table and completely drapes herself on me and demands to know what’s so funny. I shit you not.
See I told you I would pull this off. Nothing like someone wrapping themselves on you to make the point you’re someone that’s in demand. I retell the story, more laugher, and then it’s time to go. They all clear out and me and my girl are left behind for a moment as we keep talking totally engaged with one another. In the end the others have to shout for us to leave the restaurant, and we leave together as a conspiracy of two.
There’s separate cars and half of us drive back to my place. We head home having fun with U2 turned way up so we can feel the bass lines in our chests. Even Better Than The Real Thing, Fly On The Wall, Mysterious Ways. Hey I’m old school. Deal with it. I’m so overconfident right now I could pull Lady Gaga right off a dude she was on top of, or a chick, or… hmmm…. ya know I just like her music, I might pass on her actually.
We beat the others home by a few minutes and it’s just me and my girl. We hug. I tell her next time we really have to play Van Halen. She’s like “who?”… yeah she’s a little young… so I bring her up to speed. But finish by telling her she’ll probably love them. You see when she was a baby and having a hard time falling asleep, I used to put her in her car seat, put her in the car and slowly drive around town with Van Halen playing softly. Eventually she would nod off, and I’d sneak her back into the house without waking her up.
Then my wife is home with my other daughter – that’s the one who draped herself all over me and demanded a retelling of the top shelf story – and with our little niece Precious. Precious hangs out for a while and is collected by her parents. My father-in-law come wingman had shepherded the rest of the crew back to his and Grandma’s place for a sleepover. And we’re finally down to just me and my two girls, and my wife.
After that, not a lot happened… at first. We were all tired and just enjoyed the quiet of home. The kids eventually shuttled off to showers and bed, and my wife and I were hanging out on the sofa. She was down the other end of the table managing Precious, and was keen to hear “what was going on down there” and what I had done to break our grumpy preteen down into forgetting she was meant to be a grumpy preteen.
So I spill the story and we cuddle and laugh, though naturally she’s heard the top shelf story dozens of times, so I get minimal response from her. But she just glows at me and snuggles anyway.
“You were wonderful with her tonight”
We made out for a bit, and she took a hot bath which is all part of the foreplay process…. and then it was just all like this…

So remember the golden rule of what is sexy… what is sexy is anything that is good for making or raising babies. And I just rocked all night with our babies, and a couple extra ones at times as well. It’s a Beta Male skill to be good with kids, but it builds comfort in spades. Pay attention to your kids, when you win the social group called your family, you win your wife.

Now go play with them.

EDIT:  Jennifer had further comment on this post here.