Marriage can’t be all sex all the time, if nothing else it starts to chaff and the cat’s litterbox gets full. Occasionally we need to watch cars travelling 500 miles in a giant circle and ploughing into each other in a huge melee just inches from the end of the race. We are men. We do not need to explain this, nor should be apologize for it. Stand firm. Be your own morning wood.
I know you’re writing for men, but some of us ladies read as well, and I’m wondering if I can ask a question. My boyfriend watches a lot of sports on TV and I don’t really mind, because it’s not really something stupid like going out partying at strip clubs or drugs or anything like that. He’s home and I love him. Just I cannot stand to watch NASCAR races. It’s the same stuff everytime. Cars go round and round. Round and round and round and round. The races take so long and I’m starting to feel a bit ignored. I’ve tried talking to him about it, and he agrees with me, but then it comes on again and he zones out again. What can I do to make him pay attention to me?”
Hi Jessica, great to have your question. I’m sure it’s a common concern to many wives and girlfriends. Most major sporting events have half time, so quickee sex during half time is usually traditional and always appropriate, but NASCAR is slightly different and what is socially appropriate is a far more complex ritual. The rules are summarized below;
Lead changes are a drink.
Any time the announcer says the words “loose” you remove an article of clothing.
Any time the announcer says the words “tight” you finger yourself for a minute. Through your clothes if you still have them on.
Any crashes or wrecks you offer your ass for a spanking. One playful slap per car involved is just fine.
Make sure snacks are available at all times. That is not part of the foreplay process, but it is still very important.
First ask him who his favorite car is. Every time his car goes into the pits go down on him for as long as the car is on pit road. Playful sucking rather than that thing you do (wink), we don’t want him popping early and having a DNF result.
As soon as the race is over, tell him he has until they spray the champagne in the winners circle to finish inside you, after that you’re getting up and leaving. Doggy style is good. Once they start spraying champagne attempt to crawl away from him… he should be either done, or struggling to hold you in place. Make it a playful tussle! Sexy and fun.
Oh and you make your tips during the commericals. Just say I’ll rub your cock for a dollar. No money no play. Don’t flinch on this issue, make him learn for next week. Make sure he knows he’s not allowed to cum until the race is over though. Tell him if he does that you’ll post on Facebook that he premature ejaculates and you’re lonely. Have the computer open to your Facebook page for best effect.
So Jessica, If all that doesn’t work to get your boyfriends attention, he’s probably just a Jeff Gordon fan.
This one is easy. Assuming you’re not rushing off to work, and have a little time to spend, this move is always good fun and can set the tone for the day together.
Let her get in the shower first and have her shower as normal. Then time your approach to when she would be just about ready to get out. If you’re not sure, go a little earlier rather than later. If she’s already out of the shower, you’re basically screwed as you can’t really ask her to get back into the shower without looking like you failed the timing.
The approach is pretty simple. You get into the shower with her. This is a fairly obnoxious / strong / alpha move in that you are clearly invading her personal space, but you’re her husband so you shouldn’t have too much of an issue breaking her down.
Have a line ready to disarm her if she seems a little shocked at the invasion. Almost the sillier it is the better. You’re trying to convey playful fun, rather than a dangerous scuffle in the shower seeking penetration. Big goofy grin, light tone. Suggestions;
“Pardon me I didn’t know this shower was occupied”
“The hotel sent me up to you, but I’ll need some ID”
“You seem familiar, have we met”
“Shhhhh, don’t tell my wife I’m in here with you”
“Shower Boy” (say it in the same tone as “Room Service”)
“Reporting for duty”
So remember the golden rule of what is sexy… what is sexy is anything that is good for making or raising babies. And I just rocked all night with our babies, and a couple extra ones at times as well. It’s a Beta Male skill to be good with kids, but it builds comfort in spades. Pay attention to your kids, when you win the social group called your family, you win your wife.
Now go play with them.
EDIT: Jennifer had further comment on this post here.