Nice guys finish last. You’ve heard it like a mantra and it’s a cliché because it’s true. Women constantly pass over nice men for jerks, who more often than not mistreat them, and then if the cliché holds true to form, the woman runs back to the nice guy and cries on his shoulder. Tells him he’s a wonderful friend. Meanwhile the poor nice guy is hit with a triple whammy of anger, hard on, and nausea.
My biggest wake up call to this effect happened to me long ago in my college days. My then best friend Andrew and I very obviously started feeling great interest in Julie. And she had some decent interest in both of us, and frankly probably quite enjoyed our attention to her. When boyfriends compete, girlfriends win! My friendship with Andrew was quite long and deep, and in a great moment of mutual respect, we agreed that if one of us dated her, it was going to mess up our friendship.
So like a week later Andrew and Julie are on their third date. The first one happened the very next day after we agreed not to go after her. I was somewhat angry, but at the same time I could see that I had basically been outplayed and had to give him credit. Because of the dates that had already happened, she was into him, and the moment of opportunity for me had passed. Though just as we thought, it did drive a bit of a wedge between me and my friend. About a year later she was crying to me on the phone as the relationship fell apart. Suffice to say, I didn’t offer much assistance in them getting back together. LOL my bad.
Fast forward a few more years, and I meet Jennifer my wife to be. I become unhinged. She’s actually dating someone else and he’s her steady boyfriend. I see her holding hands with him and I hate him. I refuse to even say his name in anything other than distain even now 18 years later. Primal reaction. Deal with it people.
Things are going a little less than perfectly between them, and I work that angle fairly firmly. I make it plain that I think he’s a jerk, he doesn’t seem to be good for her, and she’d be better off with a nice man. Which in retrospect is funny in that my words were “hey I’m the nice guy you should be with”, but my actions were actually pure jerk. She laps it up.
Anyway four days later they break up. And I’m right there. Funny that. Then we have five wonderful days together. Riding the rollercoaster at Knoebels I look across at her and I just gape at her. She looks back at me with her long blonde hair flying all over the place, and there’s this odd small smile. (Then we say goodbye and basically live in separate countries for three years, but that’s going to derail the post…)
The point is, if I had been nice, I would have never had married Jennifer. I would have just seen a pretty girl with a not so great boyfriend bugging her and done nothing of interest. Being nice is a very important aspect of your personality, having no nice in you just means you’re an asshole. Adding in a little of the jerk / Alpha Male trait is the key to building attraction though.
At some point in your courtship, you likely did something that was a little crazy, a little wild, something over the top that made your wife to be sit up and take notice of you. Maybe all it was happened to be fronting up to her, and making it plain being just friends with her wasn’t an option you where going to be able to live with.
Marriage can easily fall into a rut. When was the last time you made it plain being “just friends” still isn’t an option you can live with? That you want a passionate connection to her. Make sure she knows with her you have no half-way. If you don’t do this to her at least once in a while, you leave the door open for someone else to do it to her. Emotional connections are serious things and sometimes not even your best friend can be trusted with the woman you love. Do not let the moment pass.
Just don’t phrase it in the form of a question to her. Make a statement.