Be Both Alpha And Beta: The Journey Is The Reward

Salut said…
“Another great article. Some outstanding advice I can’t wait to implement.
Interested in your take on the reaction of a wife when the husband begins implement alpha behaviors. I’m seeing a lot of resistance/confusion in the wife lately as I try to minimize the beta behaviors.
Keep up the great work. Love the blog.”
Athol: Great question. I think we might be disagreeing on the use of language here a little, so I’ll restate my philosophy on Alpha and Beta quickly. I generally disagree with the entire Alpha = good, Beta = bad mindset. You really need to have both Alpha Traits and Beta Traits in a marriage to really hit the sweet spot of happiness and sex. The blog is still new, but believe me I’m going to sound like a broken record on this point as the years play out.
If you’re a decent Beta, the solution is to add Alpha traits, not reduce Beta Traits and add Alpha. It’s not a zero-sum game where you can be either Alpha or Beta, but not both. You can and must be both. You still hold a job down, play with the kids, listen to how your wife spent her day, do housework etc. That’s all vital comfort building goodness. She likes and needs that to feel comfortable, like you’re invested in the relationship and family. These things are not “turn ons”, but lacking them makes them “turn offs”.
That being said, I think you’re basically saying that you’re becoming a little more forceful and bold with your wife. Which is good and all going to plan. That’s the stuff that’s going to “turn her on”.
Here’s the thing though – you’re probably imperfect at Alpha displays, so you’re probably sending somewhat mixed signals to her, so she both likes it and gets confused by it, and if you don’t quite pull it off she can resist it. The solution is quite simple though – just keep working on it until you master it enough that you can switch on an Alpha display without putting in much effort to do so. Then you’ll send a strong enough signal that she will respond better to it.
It’s actually quite a long journey to really change yourself in this way. There’s a lot of two steps forward one step back that happens. Much of Alpha stems from physicality, and that can take 1-2 years to really pay off fully. So it’s a process. Just be comfortable with your discomfort and keep plowing ahead.
Also you changing is changing the status quo, and that means she will have to change a little too. There’s a natural resistance to anyone changing – even if it’s a positive change and one they ultimately quite enjoy.
As an example – in terms of physical exercise for my wife and I, usually I go on a health kick first, and start feeling better and sexier. Usually about three weeks later, she starts exercising more too. Up until then she “resists” exercise. However I don’t even ask my wife to work out. I just start exercising and wait three weeks lol. And if I stop, she stops.
Also if we come back to the idea of sex rank, if say you both married as 7s, and along the way you dropped to a 6 and then you’ve learned some Alpha stuff and have progressed, maybe you’re moving past 7 and heading towards 8. And if you’re heading towards 8 and she is still a 7, that’s actually a little scary for her. It’s one thing to be the more desirable member of a couple, another to feel like you need to step it up a bit. There’s a natural temptation to want to drag the spouse back down to your level, though that can just as easily turn into trying harder on her part and getting her to an 8 as well. (Which is exactly why my wife starts exercising after I start.)
As I’ve said often, the Beta stuff comes easy to me. The Alpha stuff has come later in the game. What I’m writing about now has taken the better part of the last five years of my fifteen year marriage to develop. I’ve only really started verbalizing it in the last year. It’s a process, just work through it.
What can be of benefit to the process is drawing her attention to her response when you pull off a good Alpha move that she liked. She may become more forgiving of your near misses if she understands your intent better.
In the end it turns into a balancing act as you have a strong hand of Alpha and Beta cards to play, and just play your hand through depending on the situation. I can cook dinner, throw a slumber party for tweens, change a diaper, feed and burp a baby, match an outfit for a elementary school girl and work the L-Spot like a dream. But I can also shut the slumber party off at midnight with a deep rumble, cut allowances out for months until compliance with chores was appropriate, order my wife to stop doing stuff and rest or whatever and have on a few occasions initiated sex simply by pointing in the direction of the bedroom…
It’s all about having options.


  1. Flahute says

    I'm only 5 months into my journey (married 6) and what I have noticed is that sometimes she doubts the congruence of my alpha behaviors because they aren't consistent with her idea of me. She has expectations of the way that I am and and way I react. It's going to take a while to rewrite her idea of me.

    It's inner game. When I become more alpha in my self view, it will manifest itself naturally and consistently. Success will build on success.

    I am trying to be more conscious of my emotions, to recognize what is going on inside of me and take action that is considered rather than reactive to the emotion.

    One thing that I have been paying attention to is when I give any hints of weakness or not being assertive. These are the things that diminish and counteract the alpha behaviors I am trying to amplify. That's just my personality issue. I need to be more assertive with everyone I encounter. To take charge of situations as an alpha should.

    I've been too 'nice guy'. That was not how I attracted her, but after settling down with her I thought that was what she wanted. Now I know better.

  2. Salut says

    Thanks for the response. I like the approach that it's not Alpha all the time, but a combination of Alpha and Beta. This contrasts with Roissy's approach, but while that is probably very effective in a social, dating situation, I doubt it fully applies to a LTR. I've been doing all Alpha and trying to be more forceful/bold, which I think has thrown her off a bit, and by her comments, I think I'm missing the comfort-building Beta actions.

    Interesting your comments about sharing the Alpha attempts with her. Without explanation of what I'm doing, it's probably natural she's confused.

    Flahute hits the nail on the head about being too much of a nice guy. As with him, that's not how I attracted my wife, but that's what I've become since being married.

    Like you said, it's all about balance.

    Again, great post. This blog is exactly what I need as I move through the process. Appreciate the insight.

  3. Athol Kay says

    Agree w Flahute that there is a perception of you that the wife has that will need to change. Though the answer is still largely the same – just keep moving ahead with things, in time it will change.

    Roissy is very bright and insightful, but I believe incorrect on this overall approach to women in that he is overwhelmingly focused on alpha as the only thing that matters. Beta quite clearly matters, specially once you really start playing the sex game "full contact" and having children.

    As I've said before, anything that is good for making and raising babies is sexy. Alpha rocks for the making babies part, beta rocks for the raising them part. If you have both skill sets, you're unstoppable.

  4. anoukange says

    You really have it. You can tell you've been in long terms…the aplha/beta hybrid it where it's at and I've been saying this for awhile now. Great post!

  5. Athol Kay says

    Thanks Anoukange. Actually no I haven't been in a LTR exactly. My dating was a little messy back in the day. I've been in a single marriage as my main relationship expertise and to be honest our "before marriage" time was kinda bizarre.

    I'm not sure a LTR is exactly the same as a marriage though. Close, but still some differences that are important.

  6. Matthew says

    Is there a alpha/beta combo to learn about when managing a long distance relationship? I understand long-distance is totally un-alpha, but i decided to give it a shot – what can I do to maximize chances of success (4 months till she comes home).

  7. Athol Kay says

    You let her know about all the alpha male stuff you are doing during her absense. i.e. working out, making money, basically getting crap together while she is away.

    And phone sex :-)

  8. vincentignatius says

    Interesting. I've been thinking about the proper mix of alpha and beta traits that really hook some girls. I'm not one for marriage but I'll post about using beta traits for game.

  9. John says

    Sorry if this is a double post, but thank you for this blog! I'm a beta nice guy and, predictably, have been sexually frustrated my whole life. Including and especially my marriage. Wife is hot and popular and dated bad boys growing up (and gave it up to them like handing out candy) but soon realized that those type of guys weren't conducive to her childhood dream of being a mother, so she found me, a nice beta that isn't exactly unattractive but isn't steamy either, we had a great sex life, got married, had babies, and then my role was to take out the trash and fix the computer. Sex was all but dead and was administered to me like an IV…drip, drip, drip…enough to keep me alive and thats it.
    I'm military and in Iraq and using this time and exposure to combat to come back a changed man. Not different, but changed…better. No less beta, but a helluva lot more alpha…confident, fit (I was fit before), assertive, slightly less emotionally available, edgy…yet supportive and a caring (which I was before). If I just tried to pull that out of the blue, she'd call me on it. But being over here for 6 months will give me the golden opportunity to come back changed and better. THANKS!

  10. antnego says

    Athol, you've hit the nail right on the head here – not being one-dimensional (alpha or beta) is key in attraction. Women like "nice" beta guys who have an edge; that is, they can access their testicles when they need to and "alpha" up! I use some of your philosophies in my "unmarried" relationships and it works great. Keep on!

  11. says

    Great post. I just discovered the whole red pill philosophy 24 hours ago and am already hooked. I am married for 7 years to the mother of my 3 little ones. She has made up her mind that 3 is enough. I was speculating just a few days ago that this decision may have been upsetting/unbalancing me. Having read this I am convinced that this is really throwing off my alpha/beta balance. I have a decent balance, maybe 25%alpha, 75% beta.

    Without the need to have me impregnate her, I am suddenly less valuable to my wife. It takes a big bite out of my alpha side. We have a great sex life, 4 times a week, but she doesn’t flirt or touch outside the bedroom. I think that without any reproductive requirement for my alpha side, I may end up in beta land, being the only one showing affection, initiating sex, sharing emotions, etc. She does all the housework, and I have offered to help, but she rarely/never accepts.

    I am all over the place in this post because I’m going through some internal conflict right now, which is how I found your site. How do I maintain the same level of Alpha when my wife doesn’t want more babies? (She’s 38 and happy with three kids and doesn’t want any more above this age for a couple of very normal and good reasons.)

    I’d say I’m about a point above her in the value scale even if we’re done having babies, but how do I get her to WANT me, and want to give spontaneous head, talk dirty, flirt, be submissive outside the bedroom, etc? I saw the comment above about “You let her know about all the alpha male stuff you are doing during her absense. i.e. working out, making money, basically getting crap together while she is away.” and I couldn’t agree more. She likes the idea of me working out a little when she’s away, and cleaning up my shit, getting work/chores done, etc.

    Thanks for any advice!

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