Destabilizing Your Relationship For Fun And Pussy

One of my favorite blogs is “Life Without a Net”. Hambydammit has a wider scope than mine, but he still covers sex and attraction every so often and is always insightful. The full post is here, but I found this section on Sex Rank a great example;

“One of the unfortunate realities is that change happens in relationships. I remember a couple I used to know. Bob was an underachieving handyman and Joy was an obese receptionist. (Yes, I’ve changed the names.) For whatever reason, Joy got a surge of determination and spent the better part of two years in the gym. She read everything she could find on nutrition, changed her eating habits, and worked out. And worked out. And worked out. After dropping a hundred and fifty pounds, Joy was a very attractive woman, and she knew it. During the same time, Bob had done nothing to improve his value. Within six months, Bob and Joy divorced, and Joy started dating an investment banker.

 

When Bob and Joy got married, they believed they had comparable value. Bob didn’t like working too hard, and knew (either consciously or unconsciously) that he probably wasn’t going to land a hottie. Likewise, Joy was aware that she was obese and wasn’t going to land a top tier man. They each “settled” for the other based on their perception of their own “buying power.” When Joy got a serious boost to her value, she quickly realized that she could upgrade, and so she did. (Poor Bob… I remember him telling me how lucky he was that he was married to a hottie. Social and emotional intelligence are very important, and he just didn’t have either.)”

This is all a perfect example of how divergent Sex Rank (aka “your number out of ten”) can destabilize a relationship. From my point of view, what I’m actually advocating on this blog is finding ways to improve your own Sex Rank by self improvement and getting better at both the Alpha and Beta skill set, and purposely destabilizing your relationship with your wife by trumping her Sex Rank. Women can of course easily add an extra point or two to their own Sex Rank by simply being more excited in bed, having sex more often and generally riding your disco stick on command. Having a high sexual interest and drive is sexy in and of itself, it’s just assumed for men, but thought to be variable for women. The same wife that’s a 6 when she puts out twice a month is a 7 at twice a week, and an 8 at “whenever and however you want me”. Giggty giggty alright.

Of course if her Sex Rank starts to trump yours, well you got nothing.  Women really can turn on you and screw you for everything that isn’t nailed down and walk out on you. In the quote above that was clearly Joy’s plan for the two years it took to play out her exit strategy.

Of course if your Sex Rank goes up with your effort, and hers stays the same and she doesn’t turn into Miss Sugarpussy on you… well you’re going to be getting a lot better attention from other women. Over the long term, men who basically apply themselves to any sort of career and personal development, become sexier than the women do. A 20 year old man is over shadowed by the raw appeal of a 20 year old woman. At 30 it’s more balanced. A 40 year old man generally has far more appeal than a 40 year old woman. All things being equal a single 40 year old man can date and marry with ease, a 40 year old woman is well past her expiration date. As this smart woman found out, and she explains how she is stupid….  (she says some magic Sex Rank numbers around the 1:20-1:40 mark)    Hat Tip: Whispered Between Women

 

Now I’m sure there is an element of evil in my advice to boost your Sex Rank higher than your wife to purposely destabilize the relationship. But it’s reality at work. If you’re a 6 and go to 7, and she’s still a 6, all she has to do is turn up the sex on her end and she turns into a 7.

Of course she can decline to do that, but obviously thats going to put a strain on her relationship. I think I don’t need to belabor the point that a 35 year old moderately attractive woman who doesn’t put out all that much, married to a sexy 35 year old man, is running some serious risks of losing him. Whether that’s divorce or cheating who knows, we might all wring our hands and call him bad names, but no one would be surprised if it happened.

Women love their men to be sexier than them, and they respond with extreme sexual interest to those men. As I said earlier;

“Women on the other hand, have a huge investment in bearing and raising children. She gets only a few good shots at getting this done, so she is wired to be far more choosey about partners. A common misconception is that women are wired to be “good girls” and interested in only monogamy. However what they are actually most interested in, is hypergamy, or as better known, “marrying up”. Women want the best partners they can have.”
So yes, there is an implied threat that if you become hotter you might leave your wife or cheat on her. Personally I think that adding more than a couple of points to your inate Sex Rank is extremely hard – if you’re a natural 6 getting to 7 is some effort, getting to 8 is quite hard, 9 is just out of reach without someone else footing the bill or being on a reality TV show to make you hot and 10 isn’t even on the cards at all.
Far more likely though if you get hotter than her, is it’s just going to make her hypergamous instinct kick in, and she’ll find herself deeply in love with you and extremely interested in making sure you don’t leave the house weighed down by extra semen…
you’re welcome.

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Comments

  1. Mrs. Levine of Whispered Between Women says:

    Hmm. I'm contemplating this. For the past year my husband has been working out about an hour and a half at the gym five days a week. I thought he looked good before but now he looks REALLY good. I just naturally want to have sex with him more, I want to see what those muscles can do. BUT it's had the knock-on effect of making me feel more insecure because I haven't been hitting the gym so regularly. Result? I'm now hitting the gym and salads again. I don't want him to be the hot one in the relationship and I want to know what the sex is like when we're both really fit.

  2. Athol Kay says:

    Well that sounds like a great example of what I'm talking about Mrs Levine. Note that I'm not saying he's going to leave/cheat, but it certainly had an effect on the relationship.

    No doubt if he had not been working out and asked you to have more sex and get in shape, you would have probably not been so interested in going to the gym yourself.

    All in all, sounds like you aren't making the mistake Bob made with Joy, and you're both turning out hotter and sexier for each other. Which is win-win.

  3. LIL says:

    Good job Mrs. Levine, I only wish my wife had your common sense. She just left for Santa Barbara about an hour ago with the kids.

    I stayed home because I literally have a ton of paper work to do this weekend. Most of it is regarding my patient's progress and recent changes to Blue Cross, but some of it is legal. As I write, a FL-110, or Summons to Appear for Family Law lays next to me on my desk.

    Athol is definitely right on this one people. If there is a notable difference in Sex Rank in a relationship it is foolish to neglect your partner. Unless they are a complete saint, they will leave.

    I have always been the more attractive member of our couple, but she was always liberal and creative with her affections, so I was happy.

    Then we had our sixth kid 5 or so years ago, and I "got fixed", because "6 is enough". Everything ground to a halt in the love department and resentment set in on my part. Anyway, "9 files on 6…story at 11:00."

    LIL

  4. Athol Kay says:

    I'm both sad and glad you've come to a decision LIL. I hope things go well.

  5. hambydammit says:

    Thanks for the link love, Athol! I really like this article a lot. It's a perfect extension of what I was writing about. As a regular reader of mine, you know I'm not really fond of giving advice. I prefer to just say how things are and let the reader figure out what it means to them. But this is excellent advice for men. In fact, I was just realizing a couple of days ago that I need to start hitting the gym and maybe switching to light beer. Good motivation you have there.

  6. Athol Kay says:

    Thanks for stopping by HD much appreciated. I believe if you do nothing else, staying in decent physical shape is important, so thumbs up on your plan.

  7. Matt Savage says:

    The sex rank concept is pretty interesting and it almost seems like for any relationship to work out in the long run there always needs to be some sort of balance of each partners perceived value. I think a good example of this is celebrities, they often only date other celebrities and for good reasons, they have complementary sex ranks/perceived value.

  8. Anonymous says:

    man… I should not post as anoyomous so you can get to know what *might* be an outlier. I posted on the L-spot earlier today. I could be wrong but I have been a fairly balanced alpha/beta for a long time. I won't bore you with those details (for now). But here is a second article that contradicts. Last summer I got back into A-game shape (6'1", 200) by loosing 40lbs. I felt great and know I looked great (in a non-bragging way). My wife didn't even seem to notice. Ugh… still no sex. 4 times in 2 years (since my daughter was conceived). I knew the year pregnant/post pregnant would happen. (Although she never offered hand/blowjobs) and I didn't complain. She was after all carrying our daughter. And our Daughter's first year – tiring times to be sure – she breastfed. I gave her all kinds of time to get her "body back". Still, my daughter is now 16 months. 3 of those 4 times occured in Jan-March of this year but it has been a month an a half again. I do "ask" as opposed to telling her. I might try that advice. She just doesn't seem to have ANY sex drive nor does she seem to care about mine. Other then that (and the normal spouse type bickering), it seems like we are a solid couple or at least partners in raising our wonderful kids.

  9. Athol Kay says:

    I've assumed that you've talked about the lack of sex, what's her viewpoint on why she no longer has interest?

    Does she understand that a total lack of sex is unacceptable to you? This may be post-baby / medical, but that doesn't mean you should stay locked into the no sex pattern for this long without addressing it.

    What does her primary doctor say about it? Any labs drawn on her?

  10. Anonymous says:

    hah. well, I'm working on it. the thing of it is, I believe that a woman's rating system is /so different/ from a man's that it's quite difficult to figure out what the heck is going on. I'm currently dating a woman who, purely physically, is probably an eight or a nine, depending on how into the 'wafish jew girl' look you are. (oh man, hips on a short, skinny girl /and/ cheekbones? well, she does it for me, at least.) and just physically, I'm probably a six and a half, at best. (say, 6', 200#. about 30. I could stand to lose 10% of my body weight, but as it is, I look very, ah, 'Midwestern American')

    Now, part of this imbalance maybe is played out by me not getting laid as often as I'd like. (we're talking maybe once a week, when I'd prefer more like once a day, this isn't one of those "I've gotten laid four times in the last year" stories)

    But I look at her past boyfriends, and god damn, compared to that bunch, at least on physical characteristics, I'm quite a catch. There was one guy who is way more attractive than I am… but he turned out gay or bi or he's not really sure? (he's actually a cool guy; we hang out sometimes. But I can see why my girl wouldn't pick him even though he's tall, fit, funny and smart – just 'cause by the time you are in your late 20s, you should probably have some idea as to what you want in that department.)

    In fact, her last boyfriend (who I've met at a few parties, and who is now in better shape than I am physically, if not financially) lost a whole lot of weight, to hear her tell it, and /then/ the relationship ended, which would point at other people rating my girl as much less attractive than I do. (now, she is a nerd, with the social skills one would expect out of a really hard core engineer, which I am into, other than the 'working instead of fucking me' part, but 'round here, nerd fetishes are not at all unusual.)

    Now, part of it may be that her body type just pushes all my buttons just right, so I may be rating her higher than others would, and I'm unusually good at dealing with the kind of crazy that semi-aspie hard-core Engineers tend to suffer from, but still, I don't really understand why I'd have had even a chance with her. I mean, her ass is /perfect/ which is rather rare on a girl who is lighter than my max. two handed curl weight.

    It's not like there is a big economic disparity, either; we have similar professions, and similar earning potential; I run a business and re-invest the profit, so my net worth is going up faster than hers is, but she makes more money right now. hell, she has a substantial nest egg, substantial enough that my net worth only passed hers recently.

    So, yeah, while I am working hard to get rid of those extra pounds, (I mean, even if it doesn't get me laid more, it gives me more energy and makes it less likely my heart will fail out at 45) I'm not sure that is exactly what my girl is looking for. If it was, I'm pretty sure she could do a lot better than me.

  11. Athol Kay says:

    Well just work out and better yourself as best you can… and lightly neg her once in a while.

    If you project that she's hotter than you, she'll pick up on that eventually and it leads you to a bad place. Just assume you're a tad hotter than her and you're almost settling for her. :-)

  12. Anonymous says:

    Reading your blog is like reading the musings of a dog with an electric fence shock collar around his neck.

    He has to go into tremendous detail and project the outcomes of actions in his surroundings because, ultimately, he realizes he is a captive slave and has no other choice.

    If he approached life any differently, he would perish from the sheer despair of realizing the limits of his circumstances.

    Good advice, but remind your readers every once in a while of those areas where your perspective is limited.

  13. Athol Kay says:

    Anon – your comment is predicated on the assumption that I'm unhappy.

  14. Anonymous says:

    This is exactly where I am today. I just happened upon you blog and have been skipping around reading for the past 2 hours. I actually emailed my husband a link to the dtpmmalf post. ( which was spot on btw ) my husbands been working out lately and I find myself watching what I eat. And generally taking better care of myself as a result. …. Interesting ?

  15. Athol Kay says:

    Hi Anon, glad you're liking it. Keep reading :-)

  16. Joe says:

    I'm not saying this isn't a biological factor that may work in many cases, but it doesn't seem to be working for me. We've been married for 12 years, together for 14, three young daughters (ages 8, 3 and 6 months) and in the last few years sex has dropped to nearly nothing. As in once every month or two. (Around the birth of my second-born there was a 300-day drought, and yes, I counted.) Plus, she never initiates. Maybe 4-5 times in 12 years.

    She works almost full-time (32 hrs/week) while I build a freelance copywriting business. She brings in the health bennies and (for now) makes more money, but I am gaining on her and hope to pass her in a year or two. We juggle the kids and the housework — I do a lot more than most working dads in terms of school pickups/dropoffs, laundry and dishwashing, but she has a lot on her plate too.

    I am, at heart, a nice guy with some jerky tendencies (not listening, going off doing my own thing too often, making unilateral decisions without input, grabbing all the non-kid "choice time" for myself) which I am working hard to improve, and I sincerely feel like I bust my rear at home to try to do right by my girls and my wife. Still, the lack of action in the bedroom — and me needing to, as I put it, "mount a campaign" to get even that — is a constant source of pain and frustration.

    So I figured, well, let's make sure I'm the best regular Joe I can be. So a few years ago I really got serious about the diet and exercise thing. I dropped thirty pounds, ramped up the running and hit the weights pretty hard. Today I'm lean (I've always been skinny) but looking better and stronger than I ever have, and I'm running half-marathons while training for my first 26.2. Meanwhile my wonderful wife is still putting herself back together from kid #3, while hitting the scales at her highest numbers ever. I'm still very much attracted to her, but she doesn't feel great about herself. Despite that, she's been cool to my suggestions to exercise together.

    Complicating all this, a family friend took special notice of me about a year ago (after the weight came off) and before I realized it, I was deep in an emotional affair I am still shaking off. (The other woman, who is married herself, made it clear to me that she wanted more.) We have been in counseling about it ever since.

    So while I know I have to work to re-earn my wife's trust, the fact that I have gotten myself put together to the extent that other married women are making plays for me seems like it should motivate my wife to step up her game. (And trust me, I am not about to do anything else stupid to sound a wake-up call; what I did was entirely unintentional.) But it seems the opposite has happened. She's even less interested, and doesn't seem to have it in her to "win me back" (while I do my best to win her back.)

    So maybe I'm completely misunderstanding the rating game and my place in it, but it seems that while we're mismatched in a way that ought to be good for me it doesn't seem to be working out where I most want it to be working out. I truly love my wife and daughters too much to leave, so this is where my heart is, for sure. Yet being rejected in the bedroom is soul crushing.

    Any theories on this one?

  17. Athol Kay says:

    Hi Joe – this is long and complicated. Can you email me it?

    My first question is what were the reasons the sex initially started to taper off?

  18. Anonymous says:

    Ditto. Marriage has an "indentured servant" feel to it due to lopsided divorce laws. Sure there are strategies to make the best of it and Athol does a great job. But in the end there is a collar.

    For example, my advice to the guy above would be to telegraph his intention to cheat. She will either do nothing, leave or shape up. If she doesn't make an effort to shape up then actively pursue and bed another partner. From my experience it will jolt her reality like nothing else. I did this in my LTR and boy what a change of heart she had. Sure there was drama and tears but now she doesn't take me for granted.

    But alas, he's married and she has the upper hand in this end game.

  19. Anonymous says:

    Theories? Yeah, relationships aren't meant to last. Biologically speaking the the chemistry responsible for lust, love and intimacy fades after 3-5 years. Your body stops emitting and your partners stops responding to hormones and pheromones that drove you two wild before. Your relationship after that is anyone's guess but most likely ends up as RWB's (roommates w/ benefits).

    Advice? Barring some miracle jump start from Athol, find a coping mechanism or the exit. Some people, in the midst of a loveless relationship, dive into their kids, friends or a hobbies. Porn, fantasies, masturbation or affairs provide a weak (and risky) respite until the kids are grown. Others just bite the bullet and divorce. As a guy the latter risks your savings, future earnings and access to your kids. Even still some choose it over coping.

  20. Elizabeth says:

    Very interesting post – well supported by the evolutionary psychology literature and good advice in general. However, I do think that you are missing an important warning: the risks of learned helplessness. Essentially, learned helplessness was studied by some evil scientist who discovered that dogs can be quickly trained to leap from one crate into another if you send an electric shock through the ground plate, but that the dogs eventually learn to suffer without trying to escape if you trap them and electrocute them for a while first. Essentially, the dogs learnt to be helpless even when they were eventually given an opportunity to escape. In the case of sex ranking, upping your game and destabilizing the relationship can indeed have a positive effect on your partner. But only if balanced with some degree of reassurance and encouragement. If the partner concludes “ah well, I am always going to be uglier than him and he is definitely going to run off with someone else anyway” then you will likely cause rather than solve your relationship problems. I would suggest that the ultimate man is one who has a gaggle of honeys fawning over him, but makes it very clear that he only has eyes for one lady. That lady will feel then feel destabilized enough to up her own game (increase her attractiveness, treat him better, put out more often, darn his socks, whatever does it for you) yet secure enough to make it worth her effort. And when she does begin to up her game, he needs to recognise and appreciate this. Little rewards in the form of praise (as in “fuck, you look sexy today”, not “good girl, here’s a treat” – did I mention dog training?) will keep her assured that she can compete with other women and keep her working to maintain the relationship.

  21. Facinated says:

    Wow. I’ve just recently been dipping my toe in the water of blogs similar to this one. Led here (not exactly sure how) by Dalrock, among others (some of them, from a woman’s perspective, quite soul crushing) I am really enjoying the perspective. Keep it up. (Sorry, couldn’t resist!)

  22. Tom H says:

    @Fascinated
    I’ll rise to the occasion! Hope you’re not all wet…or do I? ;) [my famous wolfish grin]

    @general audience
    What about the possibilities of a formal trial separation where both parties get to date others, including the spouse? Maybe the man moves out and sets up his own place. That might get the wife thinking properly, n’est-ce pas?

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