One of the most basic attraction triggers hard wired into us from The Time Before Writing is bringing a member of the opposite sex food. Women have long known this and the old line is that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. It’s really no different for women, that’s what the whole taking them out to dinner thing is about. Yeah taking them out to dinner is really just the modern version of bringing the tribe a dead gazelle and handing out meat. Throg good hunter. We mate now. (You know some cavegirls were thinking to themselves “shit… which part of a gazelle equals a handjob?”)
Now imagine what actually knowing how to cook food does to your Sex Rank… you can provide food… not only will you not starve if left alone, but women very much respond to men capable of cooking. I’m not saying you get married and turn into Iron Chef, but pulling some of the cooking duties in the home is a huge plus. It’s a life skill, and any display of skill is a display of higher value.
Now to actually push mere cooking into “Food Game”, you’re going to need some absolutely “OMFG WHO MADE THIS?!” reaction inducing recipes.
I’ve noticed something really interesting about the number of people following me in the feed readers. There’s always going to be some natural ebb and flow to the numbers joining and leaving and I’m not overly worried about it as on balance readership is going up, and up at a very pleasing rate.
However I can’t help noticing that when I do more Alpha Male orientated posts I gain readers fast, and when I do a more Beta Male orientated post I lose them. Now from a pure numbers perspective as a blogger, I’m meant to just go “ohhh!” like I figured out that I’m screwing up and drop the Beta Male posts completely and focus on the Alpha Male posts and giggle as readership increases.
Sorry not happening.
Listen if you want to read that sort of thing, just pick a random Alpha / PUA / Game blog and head over there. There’s a bunch in the right side bar. I’m very serious when I say there is a lot to learn from that bunch, but never lose sight of the fact that the majority of them think that pumping and dumping is sexual victory. But as far as I can tell they are all in pure evolutionary psychology terms… sexual failures.
Is the entire Alpha Male Trait thing important? Damn straight it is.
Is the entire Beta Male Trait thing important? Damn straight it is.
My hunch is that I get a few readers coming in that are just used to reading Alpha Male orientated material and they like it and they join the feed. Then they run into a Beta Male orientated post and they just don’t like the taste of it and they quit.
That’s right, I said quit. They quit learning, quit trying, quit growing and just lick their wounds and wonder why they can’t hold a woman in a relationship, why she aborted his baby, why she runs away crying when he cheats, and he’s back at square one having to game the same old routines to rustle up another fuck. It gets old. Eventually you do too.
Pure Alpha’s are weak.
It’s like the pure Alpha is a kickboxer… awesome striking power, big muscles, wicked roundhouse kicks, combination punches, solid knockout punch and fearsome. But any MMA guy worth their salt will just take them to the mat, wrap them up and make them tap out. After half an hour of not being allowed to stand up and strike, and just being taken down and raped on the ground, 9 times out of 10 the kickboxer is going to decide they just don’t like the taste of it and quit.
That’s right, I said quit. They quit learning, quit trying, quit growing and just lick their wounds.
The pure Beta’s at least know they are weak. That’s why they are like Judo, they already know they are going to the ground, so that’s why learn it. Trouble is against any MMA guy worth their salt, getting to the takedowns is always problematic and the bastard just hits so damn hard. After half an hour of getting their head knocked back hard, 9 times out of 10 Mr. Judo is going to decide he just doesn’t like the taste of it and quit.
That’s right, I said quit. They quit learning, quit trying, quit growing and just lick their wounds.
See the MMA… that’s Mixed Marital Artist… knows you have to master everything. Women have a monthly cycle, around ovulation they really dig the Alpha stuff. For most of the rest of the month they love the Beta stuff. The MMA knows to adjust their game to adapt to the situation. If you can’t adapt to even one woman’s monthly cycle you’re simply lost at managing a sex life.
So stick around if you please. I will take you further than you will know and you will be a better man for what I can teach you.
And just to make my point that Beta skills are vitally important, tomorrow I’m going to teach you how to cook the most fabulous bread pudding. On this you can trust me on three things.
As I said in my very first post, I’ve never been particularly excited about marriage. I’ve certainly been very excited about my wife, most notably in the tearing her underwear off and holding her down department. Marriage was just kind of a hoop to jump through on the way to the bedroom. Like the church was a location bounce for a compliance test. I just plowed ahead and completed all the tasks required. Propose check. Ring check. Wedding check. Booty on tap check. Alright.
It wasn’t until much later that I discovered I liked being married, and realized I liked the idea of marriage. Last year was the long difficult 14th year of marriage where I did an enormous amount of reading and thinking about marriage. Deciding and discovering I was in fact pro-marriage (if only for myself) was a surprise to me. However one of the greatest shocks to me last year was the discovery that someone else had been sneaking into our bed for the entire time we have been married.
About to have one right now. The kids are cleared out to grandma’s.
We love sushi and that always works. There’s a fine line between the exotic and the erotic. Plus I figure if a woman is prepared to put raw fish in her mouth… well… alright.
So sushi, but going to a new place we haven’t tried before, not the same old place. Variety is good. Personally I don’t care, but most women love to eat out at new places. It gets them excited.
I’m a casual guy mostly, but I’ll be dressing up a bit. Peacocking a little, but mostly just dressing a little nicer.
After that, it’s home for drinks, conversation and cuddling with a movie. By which I mean I’ll be doing some instigation, isolation and escalation. Slow and dirty is her expectation. Slow and dirty is my requirement.
If she can walk before noon tomorrow I’ll consider that a failure of sorts.
My last few posts have been fairly forceful on the idea of purposely advancing your Sex Rank with the intent to trump your wife’s Sex Rank, and force her to become more sexually interested in you. As I’ve said before, women can be extremely fluid in their Sex Rank, simply turning up the sexual response can net a woman and extra 1-2 points at will. The same woman that is a 6 with sex once or twice a month, becomes a 7 when she ups it to once or twice a week and becomes an 8 at whenever hubby wants it.
There is an element of darkness in this approach in that you are forcing the issue this way, and obviously if you become more sexy, and openly sexy, other women are going to take notice. And there is nothing faster or better to prime the pump of a wife’s gina tingle than another woman showing interest in her husband. They very well may verbalize unhappiness at the competition, but multiple women interested in the same man taps into the Preselection Effect and will spark attraction or even arousal in the wife.
If nothing else… knowing other women are flirting with her husband, or that he is having some sort of well received flirting with them will completely hold her attention. Yes it’s a dark tactic. It’s a very pure Alpha Trait approach. However there’s a very sure way to turn some playful flirts that trigger preselection attraction into a huge drop in your sex rank…
…follow through on other women’s interest and get caught cheating on her.
And you will very likely get caught because when the blood “runs downhill”, there’s not much blood left upstairs and you’ll eventually get sloppy and stupid. You can chant “it wasn’t me” all you like. The keylogger and cell phone tap will just tell the truth and you’re gonna be lolwtfpwnd.
See it’s one thing to see other women express interest in him, that triggers some positive Alpha Male attraction. However sexual fidelity is a Beta Male Trait, and when you cheat on your wife you completely fail on the Beta Male front. While the Beta Male Traits do not build attraction, it is the key to building comfort in the relationship and without it, she becomes highly uncomfortable and your Sex Rank in her eyes will drop markedly… maybe 3-4 points. And dropping that far will more than likely get you punted from the relationship, or still in the relationship and with her feeling she is tolerating your presence. I.e. don’t expect much sex… if any.
On a biological level, you having sex with another woman signals that you may not only abandon her, but also abandon any babies you make with her. So her Body Agenda takes over and nerfs her sexual interest in you to avoid this happening. She’s not likely able to think about this logically, this will happen as a biological response.So if you were both 8s and she catches you cheating, you’re an instant 4 or 5 to her. It’s like you gained 50 pounds and lost your job. Ugh… as if!
Sure couples fight their way out of affairs all the time. Well, some do and some don’t. But I suspect that most of the time cheating will result in a permanent hit to your Sex Rank in the eyes of your partner when you do this.
If you can’t control yourself from escalating flirting into hurting, maybe hold off on the flirting. Just sayin’.
I’m loving commenter questions. Here’s one from Wicked Shaun.
“So, here is what I am missing, the wife’s roll in this equation. She is the lifeless, thoughtless, desireless body just lounging around the house with no innate sex drive until you display your alpha traits?? WTH? Don’t get me wrong, I am just asking. Fortunately I can’t think of a single man I have ever been with who didn’t naturally display equal parts alpha and beta traits, but I also have way too much sex drive to just sit around and wait for some guy to make the “right” moves. You lay in bed for 10 seconds too long thinking over your plan, I am already going to be on top. Just sayin. But, I am following, fascinated by the drive behind this blog. ;)”
Well firstly… I’m writing a sex blog. I’ll let you have three guesses what my wife’s role is in my equation… I’ve been on occassion accused of having a one track mind. I say I hope this train comes through a tunnel. Giggity.You are so welcome baby.
So anyway… do I see the wife (and no doubt women in general) as lifeless, thoughtless, desireless and just lounging around the house with no innate sex drive until they get a display of alpha traits? There’s a mixture of personality traits in there – that’s the lifeless and thoughtless bits – which I can quite happily say “no of course I don’t think that about women”. I actually find women quite fascinating and interesting. I love women and really enjoy their company. As a nurse I’m generally surrounded by women all day and supervise them, are peers with them, and are supervised by them. Part of the attraction to nursing was working with women all day. (Fox in the hen house, alright.) So trust me when I say that if I had any issues with thinking poorly of women in general it would have been smashed out of me several times over by now. And then smashed again just for good measure. Nursing is like that.
Now the “desireless and no innate sex drive” part is a little trickier. That part is a little more “yes and no”. Of course women have a sex drive, just as men do, but what tends to trigger attraction into arousal is a display of Alpha Male Traits. Coming at it from the other direction, men have an innate sexual interest that is always present, but actually put a man in a room with a woman taking her clothes off in front of him, and that will more than likely trigger arousal in the man. That sexual arousal can happen regardless of his liking the woman stripping as a person, he’s just programmed to respond to the stimuli. Women do of course like the eye candy, but much of their biological programming is primed to trigger for those Alpha displays of social dominance.
Now in a long term relationship or marriage, I believe that a man must display both Alpha and Beta Traits consistently. In this I am generally at odds with the majority of the Game community who argue for the Alpha Traits more strongly and despise the Beta Traits as weakness. On this point I believe Wicked Shaun and I are in agreement.
As to the sexual drive Wicked Shaun has, I believe it to be generally higher and more impulsive compared to most women. That was not meant to sound like anything other than an observation, I really don’t know her well enough to say if it was a bad thing or a good thing though I get the feeling she would be a lot of fun and require… stamina.
The truth is that most women have a more passive / receptive orientation to sexuality, whereas men tend to have a more active / approach orientation to sexuality. I say this in exactly the same sense that I can say “men are taller than women”. Obviously some women are very tall, and some men are very short, I’m painting with a wide brush but in general it’s a correct observation.
Now it’s an all too common cry from husbands that their wife never initiates sex, never wears lingerie, never has sex enough and just doesn’t seem interested. In short these sort of marriages are my target audience. Many times in these situations the husband is doing something wrong that is killing his wife’s interest in him. Either by action or inaction. What I’m doing here on the blog is throwing out a bunch of tools and thoughts for the men to try and see if it works in their marriage. I’m betting it does.
So to the most key question – “What’s the wife’s role in this equation?”
My answer is simple – I don’t care. That’s her problem to work out. And lets face it, trying to get her to solve that problem just pisses her off more. Never force a woman to think about the reasons why she doesn’t feel like having sex with you… she might decide on a definite answer. That answer will be The Mother of All Cockblocks.
The “official problem” I’m trying to solve is that from the husband’s point of view the wife is failing her part of the marriage agreement by failing to participate in enough of a sex life in the marriage. The husband feels terribly cheated in these arrangements, and it is very easy to frame everything as being her fault in this area and she is the one that must change for the marriage to be happy or even to continue. The trouble with that approach is that it gives all the power to change and improve the situation to her, and she may have no interest in change. That’s what “low sexual interest” means. And lets face it… many men have tried asking for more or better sex until they are blue in the face, they have tried jumping through all the hoops she gives them, and they have still not seen the changes they hope for. So it’s time for a different strategy.
My approach is that husbands need to find out how to become sexier in the eyes of their wives, and that being sexier is going to trigger greater sexual interest in them. So rather than trying to ask her for change, he’s going to change for the better and she will either respond or she won’t. If she responds to him the way he wants, then great that’s a big win. If she won’t respond he is in a better place to find another partner that will treat him with the interest he seeks. Lets be serious – there’s a real shortage of worthwhile men willing to commit to a marriage compared to women, finding new partners is not terribly hard. And don’t even get me started on Preselection…
And yes of course the dearest hope is that the wife does respond rather than he is forced to leave the relationship to find a sex life. I’m just not going to lie and say that this plan is a 100% lock on that front. If you turn yourself from a 6 to an 8, there’s a great chance your wife is going to drool over you and love every minute of you inside her and be lots happier in the marriage. But there’s always a chance she flips out on you and says you’re just getting ready to cheat on her, or the relationship fails anyway.
I actually suspect that one of the most common ways men are going to find this blog is through their wives suggesting they read it. Or maybe just leaving it open on the computer for him to find it. (OMG subtle girlfriend! High Five!) Women always want better partners… and you know they just love to think they are changing us for the better.
One thing to be very careful of doing with your wife is to positively reward the sexual behavior you seek from her, and to negatively reward the sexual behavior you don’t wish to see. This sounds simple, but it’s very possible to totally screw the whole thing up accidentally if you are not being somewhat mindful of this basic point.
Here’s an example…
Mike has long complained that Cindy never initiates sex. Cindy says she wants sex and is happy to have sex when Mike suggests it, but “just doesn’t think of it”. Every so often the issue comes up and is rehashed and no progress is made. Occasionally Mike freezes Cindy out and waits for her to get horny and initiate, but after a couple weeks he folds and initiates anyway. Cindy knows Mike is angry after these freeze out periods and cries either during or right after the sex that breaks the freeze.
During a Saturday afternoon when their son is at a friends house, Cindy gets the thought in her head to actually have sex with Mike. Happy and proud of herself she seeks him out and makes a attempt to remove his belt and unbuckle his pants. Mike just says “what are you doing?” and brings his arm up defensively and fends her back off him. Cindy is badly hurt by this. Seven months later when Mike complains about her lack of initiating sex, Cindy just explodes on Mike and the D word is mentioned in her ranting.
So here’s the deal…
If you’re asking for something in particular sexually and you get it, make sure you accept it and acknowledge that you got it.
That being said, the best form of positive reward you can give, is not usually your spoken praise – that can sound awfully silted and can draw attention to the fact that you are actively trying to positively reward her. The best reward is simply you obviously enjoying what it is she is doing. You don’t have to turn into a screamer, but you certainly should at least turn into a moaner and groaner. Try a heart felt “mmmmmm” or two. “That’s so fucking good”, “I want this to last forever”, “you’re amazing”.
Basically when she is acting sexy the way you want her to be, don’t withdraw from her, lean into it and let her know you’re turned on and follow through on the impulse. The correct way to frame it is not that you like that she is doing what you have asked, but that she is inherently sexy and you are turned on. You want her to feel sexy and if she doesn’t have the self-image of being a sexy woman (if only with you), you very much want that to develop.
The right time to follow up with “verbalized praise” is the next day. Remember in the act itself, you were so into the moment of her you could hardly think, the next day you can think. Text her something “you were amazing last night”, “I can’t stop thinking about you”, “Ok I give up where did you learn XYZ I’m hard again thinking about it”.
In terms of negatively rewarding sexual behavior you don’t want, (i.e. not getting any) the best response is again obviously not reacting overtly negative towards her. Don’t become angry, frustrated, insulting, bad tempered, grumpy, sullen or otherwise freeze her out. All that drama can be quite reinforcing in that you are proving to her that she has power over you to affect you. If she declines sex and you have a temper tantrum, not only is it childish, but you turn her into someone that can make you have a tantrum. The best approach is simply to minimize attention to what you don’t want, and to continue on with your day.
Again, be careful not to frame it as “Please pay attention to the way I am minimizing attention to what I didn’t want to see”, but simply that you weren’t going to do XYZ with her, so you were just going to go ahead and do ABC. If she wants to tag along with ABC she can, but you intend to do it regardless. It’s just a natural consequence of her not wanting to be with you.
So if she declines sex to you, it’s no big deal to you. Maybe you’ll just go to sleep, maybe you’ll ask her to cuddle with you as you masturbate, maybe you’ll just stay up and play computer games, or watch a little porn and masturbate. On a case by case basis, it’s all no biggie.
Over the long term though, constant denial does very much become a biggie. So outside of the bedroom it can be something that is mentioned once in a while. Again, work hard to not frame it in anger or that she is trying to do something wrong, frustration and disappointment is a better angle. Long term though, (as in over months and years) you gain the most leverage by self-improvement rather that complaint. What you do is vastly more powerful than anything you say.
It’s one thing to be in a low sex marriage and complain about it and argue why you need more sex and how you are frustrated by it and slam a few doors. It’s entirely another matter to be in a low sex marriage and say “you understand this is something I need right” and just start pumping iron, dressing better and go get your teeth whitened.
And for goodness sake… if she ever comes looking for you wearing lingerie… THAT’S HER INITATING SEX DUMBASS. Sorry for yelling, just I know some guys need to be told
There is a lot of excitement in the PUA / Game community over this article in The Weekly Standard. Long at 12 pages, but worth the read. It is an important piece of mainstream awareness of Game and rightly celebrated as such.
At the moment though I can hardly digest it all. I worked a 12 hour shift today finishing around 830pm, and will be up at 430am to make sure I am in and starting at 6am tomorrow. Family to support and all that don’t you know. Sounds terribly lame, but I am happy and very well taken care of in the department of nookie. A good marriage is simply outstanding for a man, though my greatest advice to men seeking marriage is to be outstandingly careful who you choose to make that commitment to.
Which comes to my one great worry about the Game community… it focuses solely on winning sex within the context of the wider hook up culture that has developed and the hook up culture is driven / dependant on… well… sluts who are dumb enough to have sex with someone they’ve only spent seven hours with.
While I can assure you I am quite secular in my outlook, I find myself having a quite traditional viewpoint on whether or not to marry a woman who has had multiple partners and one night stands. I just don’t see a hook up girl maintaining a marriage without incidents of casual betrayal occurring along the way. Or simply leaving the relationship on a whim. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. And because I can taste the vomit in my own mouth, I think I might have just accidentally quoted Dr Phil.
As I’ve said before, bringing home a woman from a bar is like getting a cat from an animal shelter, as long as you have money for shots you’re good to go home with pussy, just don’t complain when she bites you, pisses all over everything and then runs away.
What makes up a perfect female 10 in the hook up world is related to, but not identical to what makes up a perfect female 10 in the marriage world. Yeah I get beauty, really I do. But you can be a one trick pony in hookup world and be a star, but the transition to marriage ability may just not be there.
If you’re taking an evolutionary psychology point of view on things, the goal is always not so much to be having sex, but to have children and to propel your genes into the next and future generations. I’m not reading very much in Game writing that suggests much along the lines of PUA peeps interested in this front. Which considering how much Game depends on evolutionary psychology as a theoretical underpinning, is really quite strange. You may very well be banging hot babes, but if the hot babes are all on birth control or aborting your babies… your final score in the eyes of evolutionary psychology is no different than if all your semen circles the drain in the shower.
Which is not to say that married guys cannot learn a great deal about women from the Game community. They can, and I have. Just quite different goals when all is said and done. I’m more about the babies, just not so much about the bathwater. (wink)
I’m very much enjoying writing the blog, but I also still hang out at Talk About Marriage. Here’s a few random splatters of what I’ve said over there recently. No particular plan, just letting fly…
How can I get my wife less innocent?
You have to just get over the idea that she is going to initiate sex with you. Most women, even very high sex drive women, rarely come out and directly ask for sex or make physical moves to get it started. Usually they give only small signals of interest… playing their hair, eye contact, “so what would you like to do”, smiling at you then breaking eye contact and looking down, touching herself on the neck etc. You’re just meant to realize she is interested. If she ever makes a physical move on you, you absolutely must follow through on that. Women take sexual rejection very personally.
Am I Having An Affair?
…if your husband is remotely paying attention to you – he knows something is going on. He likely has no clue how to stop you from going after this other guy. The whole thing of having a personal trainer in the first place is probably making your husband very nervous. Women fall for personal trainers like men fall for strippers.
Help: My husband changed all his passwords and took his sum of money from our joint account.
“I moved out to another country due to a job posting. We have been living physically separate for 23 months now. He visits 3-4 times a year. We visited him once. Our child is with me.”
If you really expect a relationship with a healthy man to continue when he gets less Conjugal Visits than a medium secruity prison inmate, you are seriously deluded. Lets face it. You left him.
If my wife ever became pregnant to someone else, I believe I would end it instantly as well. So I certainly don’t disagree with that. It’s disappointing that she was so stupid. It’s one thing to have an affair… I understand the temptations there, but she getting pregnant was just frakking stupid. I’m not sure I’d be divorcing for the affair itself, but I just personally couldn’t stay married to such a dumbass.
How important is head to a man?
It’s not BJ = Respect
Wife Turned On Sexually By Husband = The Little Things Stay Little
Wife Not Turned On Sexually By Husband = WHY CAN’T YOU LOAD THE FRAKKING DISHWASHER LIKE I TOLD YOU TO THE PLATES GO HERE AND RINSE THEM OFF BEFORE YOU PUT THEM IN THE CUPS GO HERE YOU IDIOT I TELL YOU AND I TELL YOU I AM SO SICK OF CLEANING UP AFTER YOUR SHIT ALL DAY LONG AND YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT TO HELP ME GET AWAY FROM THE WASHING MACHINE AND LET ME DO IT BECAUSE YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF ANYTHING AND I CANNOT GET ANYTHING I WANT DONE AROUND HERE AND DINNER IS RUINED BECAUSE OF YOU AND I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY!
Then the husband comes on here and asks why his wife doesn’t respect him and he isn’t getting enough sex.