One of the most basic attraction triggers hard wired into us from The Time Before Writing is bringing a member of the opposite sex food. Women have long known this and the old line is that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. It’s really no different for women, that’s what the whole taking them out to dinner thing is about. Yeah taking them out to dinner is really just the modern version of bringing the tribe a dead gazelle and handing out meat. Throg good hunter. We mate now. (You know some cavegirls were thinking to themselves “shit… which part of a gazelle equals a handjob?”)
Now imagine what actually knowing how to cook food does to your Sex Rank… you can provide food… not only will you not starve if left alone, but women very much respond to men capable of cooking. I’m not saying you get married and turn into Iron Chef, but pulling some of the cooking duties in the home is a huge plus. It’s a life skill, and any display of skill is a display of higher value.
Now to actually push mere cooking into “Food Game”, you’re going to need some absolutely “OMFG WHO MADE THIS?!” reaction inducing recipes.
Today we’re doing bread pudding. I spent literally 4-5 years making this about once every 3-4 weeks until I got the recipe perfect. The last 10 years it’s been unchanged. I can absolutely assure you that I have pulled rooms of women with this recipe. Once you have this recipe down you have one of the most potent pieces of dessert known to man. Women – as in “all” women love bread pudding. It’s warm, it’s sweet (but not too sweet), it’s soft and rich, it smells great and the first bite is as good as the last. Not everyone has tried bread pudding, but one spoonful nets a convert. It’s like that scene in the second Matrix movie where the French guy has that specially coded piece of chocolate cake and the blond in the red dress eats it and has to run to the bathroom orgasming. It’s probably best to… go check on her…
So… have your attention yet?
You will need.
1 Stick of Butter
3 Cups of Milk (not fat free!)
1 Cup Brown Sugar
3 Eggs
1 Tsp of Cinnamon
2 Shots of Kahlua
1 loaf of cinnamon raisin bread
Step 1
Turn the oven on to 350 F
If you can’t manage this step, ask your group home staff for assistance. They are here to help and they love you.
Step 2
Put the three cups of milk into a pot and place on a fairly low heat. Chop up the butter into smallish chunks and add to the milk. The idea here is just to melt the butter into the milk making a buttery milky mix. Don’t boil the milk or anything daft, just melt the butter into the mildly warm milk as you do the rest of the steps.
Step 3
Mix the eggs, brown sugar, cinnamon and Kahlua together in a big bowl. A teaspoon of cinnamon is by man measurement “a really big sprinkle”. Two shots of Kalua is really just one shot by Mark I Eyeball that screwed up into a “whoops a bit much”. You will end up with a dark brown gooey slime. It’s all good, just keep sarging and stack into the next step.
Step 4
Chop up the cinnamon raisin bread. I cut each slice into about 16 pieces. So that’s three cuts one way, then turn the bread and three cuts the other. Manly men usually just do four slices at a time and show off their knife skills to the ladies. So four slices at a time would make 64 little tiny cubes of cinnamon raisin bread. Which isn’t important to anyone but engineers, but I like to please everyone so included it.
Step 5
Seeing the average loaf of cinnamon raisin bread has 18 slices, add exactly 288 small cubes of cinnamon raisin bread to the dark brown gooey slime created in Step 3. Now using a spatula (not your hands… the use of tools is the original Alpha Male skill gentlemen) mix the bread and the goop together until the whole thing is evenly spread all over the bread. It’s a kind of dig down to the bottom of the bowl and roll motion. This is why a big bowl was important.
Step 6
By now the butter should be pretty melted into the milk. Pour about 2.5 cups worth of the milk over the bread and goop. Once the bread looks like it has soaked up the milk a bit, transfer the whole thing into a good sized casserole dish and use the spatula to even it out. You can add a little more milk to the casserole dish if you like. I find the best ratio is keep adding milk, but not so much that you see puddles forming on the surface.
Step 7
Bake at 350 F for 1 hour uncovered.
And that’s it. Let it cool off a bit. Start making friends. This is a perfect and I mean perfect big family gathering dessert. You can make it the day before and it’s even better the second day. I get mad preselection props as the women drool over this and me. My wife is like “three drinks agreeable” after a serving of this. It’s 10-15 minutes prep time to make, 1 hour to bake. So easy, so good. Make it good once and your wife will beg for it forever. Bring it out a few times a year. Relish in the adoration.
Warning: Bread Pudding May Cause Ovulation.
I did make a batch last night to take photos of for this post. Kids are off school this week and a gaggle of friends were invited over while I was at work. Apparently it’s a huge hit with frakking 5th and 7th grade girls as well. I’ll update next time I make it. Once the spatula is out of the dishwasher I’m going after the ringleader….
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Men who cook are hot. No denying!
Woo-hoo I'm hot!
/takes Iron Chef pose
Does Macaroni and Cheese, hot dogs, and Ramen Noodles count?
I thought the ovulating thing was a joke been trying for kids for the last two years one batch of this and wife is now pregnant.