One thing to be very careful of doing with your wife is to positively reward the sexual behavior you seek from her, and to negatively reward the sexual behavior you don’t wish to see. This sounds simple, but it’s very possible to totally screw the whole thing up accidentally if you are not being somewhat mindful of this basic point.
Here’s an example…
Mike has long complained that Cindy never initiates sex. Cindy says she wants sex and is happy to have sex when Mike suggests it, but “just doesn’t think of it”. Every so often the issue comes up and is rehashed and no progress is made. Occasionally Mike freezes Cindy out and waits for her to get horny and initiate, but after a couple weeks he folds and initiates anyway. Cindy knows Mike is angry after these freeze out periods and cries either during or right after the sex that breaks the freeze.
During a Saturday afternoon when their son is at a friends house, Cindy gets the thought in her head to actually have sex with Mike. Happy and proud of herself she seeks him out and makes a attempt to remove his belt and unbuckle his pants. Mike just says “what are you doing?” and brings his arm up defensively and fends her back off him. Cindy is badly hurt by this. Seven months later when Mike complains about her lack of initiating sex, Cindy just explodes on Mike and the D word is mentioned in her ranting.
So here’s the deal…
If you’re asking for something in particular sexually and you get it, make sure you accept it and acknowledge that you got it.
That being said, the best form of positive reward you can give, is not usually your spoken praise – that can sound awfully silted and can draw attention to the fact that you are actively trying to positively reward her. The best reward is simply you obviously enjoying what it is she is doing. You don’t have to turn into a screamer, but you certainly should at least turn into a moaner and groaner. Try a heart felt “mmmmmm” or two. “That’s so fucking good”, “I want this to last forever”, “you’re amazing”.
Basically when she is acting sexy the way you want her to be, don’t withdraw from her, lean into it and let her know you’re turned on and follow through on the impulse. The correct way to frame it is not that you like that she is doing what you have asked, but that she is inherently sexy and you are turned on. You want her to feel sexy and if she doesn’t have the self-image of being a sexy woman (if only with you), you very much want that to develop.
The right time to follow up with “verbalized praise” is the next day. Remember in the act itself, you were so into the moment of her you could hardly think, the next day you can think. Text her something “you were amazing last night”, “I can’t stop thinking about you”, “Ok I give up where did you learn XYZ I’m hard again thinking about it”.
In terms of negatively rewarding sexual behavior you don’t want, (i.e. not getting any) the best response is again obviously not reacting overtly negative towards her. Don’t become angry, frustrated, insulting, bad tempered, grumpy, sullen or otherwise freeze her out. All that drama can be quite reinforcing in that you are proving to her that she has power over you to affect you. If she declines sex and you have a temper tantrum, not only is it childish, but you turn her into someone that can make you have a tantrum. The best approach is simply to minimize attention to what you don’t want, and to continue on with your day.
Again, be careful not to frame it as “Please pay attention to the way I am minimizing attention to what I didn’t want to see”, but simply that you weren’t going to do XYZ with her, so you were just going to go ahead and do ABC. If she wants to tag along with ABC she can, but you intend to do it regardless. It’s just a natural consequence of her not wanting to be with you.
So if she declines sex to you, it’s no big deal to you. Maybe you’ll just go to sleep, maybe you’ll ask her to cuddle with you as you masturbate, maybe you’ll just stay up and play computer games, or watch a little porn and masturbate. On a case by case basis, it’s all no biggie.
Over the long term though, constant denial does very much become a biggie. So outside of the bedroom it can be something that is mentioned once in a while. Again, work hard to not frame it in anger or that she is trying to do something wrong, frustration and disappointment is a better angle. Long term though, (as in over months and years) you gain the most leverage by self-improvement rather that complaint. What you do is vastly more powerful than anything you say.
It’s one thing to be in a low sex marriage and complain about it and argue why you need more sex and how you are frustrated by it and slam a few doors. It’s entirely another matter to be in a low sex marriage and say “you understand this is something I need right” and just start pumping iron, dressing better and go get your teeth whitened.
And for goodness sake… if she ever comes looking for you wearing lingerie… THAT’S HER INITATING SEX DUMBASS. Sorry for yelling, just I know some guys need to be told