What’s The Wife’s Role In All This?

I’m loving commenter questions. Here’s one from Wicked Shaun.
“So, here is what I am missing, the wife’s roll in this equation. She is the lifeless, thoughtless, desireless body just lounging around the house with no innate sex drive until you display your alpha traits?? WTH? Don’t get me wrong, I am just asking. Fortunately I can’t think of a single man I have ever been with who didn’t naturally display equal parts alpha and beta traits, but I also have way too much sex drive to just sit around and wait for some guy to make the “right” moves. You lay in bed for 10 seconds too long thinking over your plan, I am already going to be on top. Just sayin. But, I am following, fascinated by the drive behind this blog. ;)”
Well firstly… I’m writing a sex blog. I’ll let you have three guesses what my wife’s role is in my equation… I’ve been on occassion accused of having a one track mind. I say I hope this train comes through a tunnel. Giggity.You are so welcome baby.
So anyway… do I see the wife (and no doubt women in general) as lifeless, thoughtless, desireless and just lounging around the house with no innate sex drive until they get a display of alpha traits? There’s a mixture of personality traits in there – that’s the lifeless and thoughtless bits – which I can quite happily say “no of course I don’t think that about women”. I actually find women quite fascinating and interesting. I love women and really enjoy their company. As a nurse I’m generally surrounded by women all day and supervise them, are peers with them, and are supervised by them. Part of the attraction to nursing was working with women all day. (Fox in the hen house, alright.) So trust me when I say that if I had any issues with thinking poorly of women in general it would have been smashed out of me several times over by now. And then smashed again just for good measure. Nursing is like that.
Now the “desireless and no innate sex drive” part is a little trickier. That part is a little more “yes and no”. Of course women have a sex drive, just as men do, but what tends to trigger attraction into arousal is a display of Alpha Male Traits. Coming at it from the other direction, men have an innate sexual interest that is always present, but actually put a man in a room with a woman taking her clothes off in front of him, and that will more than likely trigger arousal in the man. That sexual arousal can happen regardless of his liking the woman stripping as a person, he’s just programmed to respond to the stimuli. Women do of course like the eye candy, but much of their biological programming is primed to trigger for those Alpha displays of social dominance.
Now in a long term relationship or marriage, I believe that a man must display both Alpha and Beta Traits consistently. In this I am generally at odds with the majority of the Game community who argue for the Alpha Traits more strongly and despise the Beta Traits as weakness. On this point I believe Wicked Shaun and I are in agreement.
As to the sexual drive Wicked Shaun has, I believe it to be generally higher and more impulsive compared to most women. That was not meant to sound like anything other than an observation, I really don’t know her well enough to say if it was a bad thing or a good thing though I get the feeling she would be a lot of fun and require… stamina.
The truth is that most women have a more passive / receptive orientation to sexuality, whereas men tend to have a more active / approach orientation to sexuality. I say this in exactly the same sense that I can say “men are taller than women”. Obviously some women are very tall, and some men are very short, I’m painting with a wide brush but in general it’s a correct observation.
Now it’s an all too common cry from husbands that their wife never initiates sex, never wears lingerie, never has sex enough and just doesn’t seem interested. In short these sort of marriages are my target audience. Many times in these situations the husband is doing something wrong that is killing his wife’s interest in him. Either by action or inaction. What I’m doing here on the blog is throwing out a bunch of tools and thoughts for the men to try and see if it works in their marriage. I’m betting it does.
So to the most key question – “What’s the wife’s role in this equation?”
My answer is simple – I don’t care. That’s her problem to work out. And lets face it, trying to get her to solve that problem just pisses her off more. Never force a woman to think about the reasons why she doesn’t feel like having sex with you… she might decide on a definite answer. That answer will be The Mother of All Cockblocks.
The “official problem” I’m trying to solve is that from the husband’s point of view the wife is failing her part of the marriage agreement by failing to participate in enough of a sex life in the marriage. The husband feels terribly cheated in these arrangements, and it is very easy to frame everything as being her fault in this area and she is the one that must change for the marriage to be happy or even to continue. The trouble with that approach is that it gives all the power to change and improve the situation to her, and she may have no interest in change. That’s what “low sexual interest” means. And lets face it… many men have tried asking for more or better sex until they are blue in the face, they have tried jumping through all the hoops she gives them, and they have still not seen the changes they hope for. So it’s time for a different strategy.
My approach is that husbands need to find out how to become sexier in the eyes of their wives, and that being sexier is going to trigger greater sexual interest in them. So rather than trying to ask her for change, he’s going to change for the better and she will either respond or she won’t. If she responds to him the way he wants, then great that’s a big win. If she won’t respond he is in a better place to find another partner that will treat him with the interest he seeks. Lets be serious – there’s a real shortage of worthwhile men willing to commit to a marriage compared to women, finding new partners is not terribly hard. And don’t even get me started on Preselection…
And yes of course the dearest hope is that the wife does respond rather than he is forced to leave the relationship to find a sex life. I’m just not going to lie and say that this plan is a 100% lock on that front. If you turn yourself from a 6 to an 8, there’s a great chance your wife is going to drool over you and love every minute of you inside her and be lots happier in the marriage. But there’s always a chance she flips out on you and says you’re just getting ready to cheat on her, or the relationship fails anyway.
I actually suspect that one of the most common ways men are going to find this blog is through their wives suggesting they read it. Or maybe just leaving it open on the computer for him to find it. (OMG subtle girlfriend! High Five!) Women always want better partners… and you know they just love to think they are changing us for the better.


  1. Loved the article!! It is definitely one solution to sexual gridlock. And if we shared a computer, I'd leave it open on his . . .

    As the current low interest partner, I've been working on change the meaning of sex to a more connection seeking action than a reactive attraction action. I'm also keenly aware that sex, to some degree is more important for a mans mental health, in part because it meets the need of feeling wanted in a very clear and specific way– and while I have a low sex drive, I have a high interest in the mental well being of my partner. Of course sometimes I'm just not into letting someone into my body.

    Fortunately for me, he has an interest in my well being too and is willing to experiment on what works in terms of influencing me to feel more open.

  2. Sounds like you are making some good choices and understand your husbands needs and are trying to meet them.

    However I sure you know that a very deep need for him, is you to be totally into him (if only once in a while). That might not happen without him getting hotter in your eyes.

    My advice is to send him the link to the post "Do These Pants Make My Ass Look Fat" (it's in the top ten posts on the top left of the blog) then just let him wander around in here :-)

  3. Steve Witham says:

    Hi, another term for the Definitions page: "Preselection." My only clue is what I'm picking up from context here. Like I said in my comment a minute ago, say what preselection has to do with this blog.

    I know you said "don't get me started," and I know you really haven't got that much happening on that Definitions page so far. Just go there and put in stubs with no definitions, or grumbles about how "this topic pisses me off and I don't have time for it." PUA, Game, Preselection.

    What I forgot to say before is I'm about ten posts into this blog and liking it a lot.

    About the question that started this post, also the comment above, both from women: the q is what way of thinking about women are you proposing men use to orient their own behavior, plans, development? I do this and possibly she will respond how? It's not true that "I don't care" is the picture you are proposing men have in mind. More like, I have to decide my own course and I can't control hers, but there are some plausible ideas about what might go on with her.

    Also I don't think you need too specific a model of female psychology. Statistically more passive? Maybe, but that's not so essential to understand attraction to alpha stuff. Even guys like guys who go and confidently do stuff, know what they think, etc., more than we like coworkers, friends, etc. who are schlubs. Plus, the appropriate alpha traits you talk about are things I would be glad to have just for myself. I liked your line about the "big hole in the air" after a truck on the highway.

    Also, what people want is complicated and individual people are always still working it out, one way to find out about what's going on with someone you care about is just hearing clues that come out of their mouths (or keyboards), neither denying what you're hearing, fearing it's the last word, or submerging the direction you're coming from. (Finding that natural is probably an alpha trait.)

  4. How is this for subtlety points?

    I told my husband that I was recommending this website on behalf of a friend who complains his wife is frigid.

    Ever since I learned about indirectness I am just having so much fun!

  5. Anonymous says:

    Good article. Just thought you might mention that while improving himself is improtant maybe he should take a look at improving his technique. That maybe slowing down and taking her needs into consideration might help getting her to want more sex. Is she having orgasms regularly? Is his aproach to getting her in the mood a kiss a grab then "diving right in" ?Cuz, if the sexual satisfaction is centered only around him (which does tend to happen in many long term relationships) eventually her drive is going to drop and she is not going to want sex… Just a thought. ;0)

  6. Suzy Stauffer says:

    LOVE THIS! A sexy wife wants a sexy husband! How come there are not more men that take this serious and do what it takes to have their wife turn her head?

  7. I totally agree with Suzy! Probably I am one of these women who has higher sex drive than the average. Unfortunately I am finding myself in quite sad situation – my husband seems to have the sex drive of an average woman (I guess I would be able to see if there would be someone else, hopefully, which I don't see). It just destroys me mentally, getting all these questions in my head like am I really so disgusting then or what am I doing wrong or why is this happening. There's just a shadow left of that sexy woman I used to be, could never even imagine that its possible. Really hope there will be lots of men learning how to keep their wife's desires going.

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