Where To Find A Submissive Woman?

Hi Athol,
I stumbled across your blog today and liked your article on domination and submission within marriage. I’m only 21 and have never been married. But I do like the idea of dominating a woman, and I’ve heard there are lots of women that like to be dominated. So I guess my question for you is how to find these women? Is there a good way to screen for them? Do submissive women hang out at certain venues?
Thank you!
I think you might be missing the point just a little. As I said earlier the very large majority of women tend to desire an element of submission to a male partner. So submissive women don’t really hang out anywhere in particular, they are basically everywhere. If you want a rough guide, probably 4 out of every 5 women is going to enjoy submitting to the right guy. So you can really find them everywhere.
And again – broken record time – when I say most men are dominant and most women are submissive, I say this in the same way I say men tend to be taller than women. Yes you can find submissive or short men and yes you can find dominant or tall women. But in general the observation holds true.
Also I’m saying in the context of a sexual relationship this element comes to light. It’s not an all men dominate all women statement. It’s one man with one woman.
The way you find your particular sweetheart is not by seeking a submissive woman. It’s by being an assertive alpha, and creating attraction that draws a woman to you. Actually walking around asking women if they are submissive is going to creep 99% of women out on the spot. You have to carefully frame it as that you “like to make things happen” or something like that. “I’m not interested in being a bully, but I like to take the lead”.
In the end, submission is not something you can take from a woman. It’s something they give you. So become the sort of man that entices them to give it.
Another possible key is the way a girls parents interact and the way she in particular views that relationship.
And don’t forget that a submissive wife isn’t a doormat or bimbo. Well they can be I guess, just personally I’d tire of them very quickly. You should be hunting for a First Officer. Upon occassion you are really going to want her to be able to step up for you and your family.
For those those alert to the images of Mulan in this post… yes I put them there on purpose. Maybe worth another viewing from a dominance and submission viewpoint.
“Girl like that doesn’t show up every dynasty”

Sexy Move: Be From New Zealand (Or Go Somewhere Else Far Away)

I walked up to a girl recently and very calmly and politely said to her…
“I’d like a McDouble, a small fries and a medium coffee with cream and sugar.”
That may not sound like much of an opening line, but she did the open mouth thing and briefly pushed her hair back a little. I just smiled at her, repeated my order and raised my brows a little and the blush was spectacular. You see it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. The trick is quite simple to the delivery of such an everyday line creating such instant gina tingle…
…I have a New Zealand accent.
It’s so good it should be illegal.
(come see the majestic fjords)
If you’re a long time reader you’ll know that I was born and lived in New Zealand for the first 24 years of my life before moving to the United States to be married to Jennifer. I’ve been living here fore 15 years now. For those playing the home game and not math challenged, I am easily worked out to be 39. My accent has definitely softened over the years, I used to have trouble ordering in restaurants etc (the solution was to order in an American accent) but now speak smoothly enough that I rarely have trouble with that.
But the Kiwi accent remains as a firm undertone to the way I talk. Jennifer naturally just doesn’t hear it anymore unless I purposely turn the Kiwi up and concentrate on it.
(ride the cable car in the beautiful capital city)
But to other American women it’s like catnip. Since I started being really aware of it and how women react to it, it’s actually started being amusing watching the gina tingle just kick in with basic conversations. I’m not even trying to hit on someone and I get the hips turning towards me, the hair twirls and easy laughter. I seriously cannot shut the damn thing off.
(come see the lovely sheep)
A couple examples…
At one of my kids parent teacher nights, the young married teacher basically completely ignored me and talked quite directly to my wife as I sat quietly and let the conversation go between them. Then I opened my mouth and asked a question (I forget what it was) and it was like a switch was thrown and Mrs. Teach’s face lit up like a Christmas Tree. After that my wife was all but ignored for the rest of the meeting and I got a full hair taken down display from Mrs. Teach, easy laughter, a sudden jump up and sashay across the room to get some random piece my kid had done and a sashay back. All with my wife sitting next to me the whole time.
(see the worlds biggest syringe and bungee jump off it)
It’s really helpful as a male nurse getting a little extra help from female doctors once in a while. Especially if they only get to talk to me on the phone. I’m not ugly by any means, but I know I sound sexier than I look. I’ve rarely gotten the magical hotlines to male doctors, but get the secret extension to female ones far more frequently. “Oh Athol call me for anything”. Funny, all I heard was a subtle invitation to a game of Doctors and Nurses. But maybe that’s just me and my overconfidence with women kicking in, baby.
(enjoy the fine sports events)
My favorite female co-worker playfully told me off today that “I have too many women in my life”, and right after that I got a call from a hospital discharge planner who just dove into the “that’s an amazing accent where are you from…” and we had a mildly flirty conversation while I held up a piece of paper saying “Too many women LOL” for my co-worker to read. And yes I admit I was doing that on purpose to frak with her a little too.
Now I know this all sounds like I’m full of myself, but I understand this effect really isn’t because I’m extra special, I’m just foreign. I’ve seen exactly the same thing happen with Americans going to New Zealand. They may look like they are blending in, but as soon as they open their mouths, opposite sex heads start swiveling en mass and focusing on the source of the accent. It’s the ultimate in verbal peacocking.
(a typical Kiwi girl)
My hunch is that something keys us into a foreign accent denoting that you are in fact a walking meat sack of non-local DNA, and a great source of new DNA to be mixed into the local gene pool. This makes you seem sexier than you in fact “really are”. In New Zealand I might be a pretty decent 7 or 8, over here I’m 8 pushing 9. Again, it’s not something I am trying to do, I’m just non-local. And non-local is sexy.
I’ve been in America for 15 years and not once, seriously, not even a single time has a male said to me “wow I like your accent”. On meeting a new female though, roughly one in three women will very obviously express “oh I love your accent..where are you from?” with a very obvious display of interest.
(also prostitution is legal in New Zealand, so everyone goes home a winner)
So it may seem like a drastic step if you’re struggling to find dates, but maybe a little travel might be in order… Talk about a Sexy Move…

Sexy Moves: How To Say I Love You To A Woman

At some point in a LTR and definitely in a marriage you are going to have to say the “L word” and make some sort of declaration of love. You really should be saying this frequently anyway, specially if this is something she clearly responds to.
However the first time you say it can accelerate things or turn her off. Plus every relationship can do with an “I Love You” that leaves her reeling and giddy once in a while just to shake things up a little.
The key is to establish that you are saying something from an emotional state, rather than a rational one. If you’re communicating from a rational / logical state, you’re actually unwittingly communicating that you don’t in fact love her, but that it’s just a good idea to love her. If she’s a math professor, a CPA or a lawyer or otherwise inflicted with a male typed brain it’s ok to give her an Excel spreadsheet of why you love her, but not otherwise. They want to feel that you feel in love with them emotionally.
So here we go…
Step 1 – Call her over to you and say “we need to talk a moment”. It’s an Alpha move. Helps with everything that follows.
Step 2 – Run off a short list of some of her very best and lovable qualities and say that you could say you love her because of these things, but these are in fact just a list of her good qualities.
“I’ve been trying to decide why I love you.   (pause!)    I could tell you I love you because you’re smart. I could tell you that I love you because you’re so caring and kind. I could tell you I love you because you’re such a genuine person and so grounded. But these are all simply a list of your good qualities and not why I love you.”
See how that compliments logically, but you disarm it emotionally?
Step 3 – Go for complete emotion with an irrational statement.
“The fact is, I don’t know why I love you. I just do.”
There’s no possible way she can deflect that statements emotional impact. It’s not trying to be logical argument for love, so all she can do is either accept that it is the truth or deny it. Very little middle ground.
Step 4 – Make it seem even more real and solid. Tell her when you realized you just loved her. You can blow up a quite trivial incident into a maelstrom of flooded emotions here. (Hopefully it’s true and you’re not just a lying sack of shit here lol)
“What I can do though, is tell you when I realized that I loved you. We were riding the big rollercoaster at Knoebels together and about halfway around the track I realize I’m not even paying attention to the fact I’m on a rollercoaster. I’m just watching you and your hair flying in the wind. And you looked over at me and smiled and that was it. I just knew.”
At this point she should be glassy eyed and all melty inside. Now is a good time to hear she loves you and go for a long slow kiss close.
Of course this is all very vulnerable and Beta to gush all this emotion and wear your heart on your sleeve like this, so you can always bring everything back down to reality by redoing the entire routine (with a very naughty boy smile and twinkle in your eye) but instead of “why I love you”, do it as “why I want to have sex with you”…
“I also need to tell you why I want to have sex with you”
“I could tell you about your fantastic boobs, the boom in your booty, your slutty lower back tattoo. The fact is, these are just a list of your sexy qualities. I don’t know why I want to have sex with you, I just do.”
“What I can tell you though, is the moment I realized I wanted to have sex with you. You were at the bar and you deep throated a beer bottle and I just knew I wanted to have sex with you. I just knew.”
This should get you a lot of laughter and it’s a subtle neg in that you’ve obviously been gaming her with the “I love you” version if both that and the sex version have basically the same script format.
Then gently pull her to you and say that you love her. 100% earnestly and sincere. No games. Just heart, all heart. Then spank her ass a little as you break the kiss and separate. Just because you can.
*** Dershowitz and Feinstein Legal Disclaimer. Jennifer does not have a slutty back tattoo. She cannot deep throat a beer bottle.

Game Theory: Marriage, Dating, The Manosphere As Prisoner’s Dilemma

I’m going to explain both marriage outcomes and the entire volume of Internet posting on sexual relationships in a single post. Seriously. I’m that good.
I’ll need Internet Access, a light snack and PUNNETT SQUARES.
Being married is like a game of Prisoner’s Dilemma. This is one of the original Game Theory social puzzles and required reading for all budding social scientist types. If you haven’t read this before, I really recommend you click the link and read up on it. I’ll be right here when you get back.
Ah screw it, I know I know… you’re all short attention span types. Here’s a picutre of the orginal Prisoners Dilemma….


Marriage framed as a game of Prisoner’s Dilemma, and I’d argue that it’s really a fairly continuous game of Iterated Prisoner’s Dilemma with say each month or whatever counting as a round of the game. The game breaks down like this… (you can click on it to make it bigger and harder…)


So assuming each month is a round of the game, obviously the top left quadrant is the better option for both Husband and Wife to aim for. But cheating on the commitment can become tempting, specially if you can get away with doing it and simply dupe the other spouse. So tossing in a cheating episode here and there can be a huge “win”. At least until you get caught.
What tends to happen is once caught the trust is forever broken in some way. And the other partner starts being more willing to break their commitment to you. “WTF you cheated on me, I’ll show you” is the basic thought here. Cheating can be either sex with another person, sexual denial to the spouse, refusal to work either in the home or out of it, or whatever. Basically it’s refusing to be a good spouse in the marriage.
So after a couple rounds of “Frak me, NO FRAK YOU” the relationship can break down as both parties firmly entrench in the refusal to be nice to each other ever again. This is how divorce almost always gets nasty.
Now if you want to apply the same sort of approach to say an opening few dates with a new partner, it looks like this…
I think my readers are smart enough to figure out the above table.
Now in terms of everything that is written in the Manosphere about Game, Sex and Relationships et al, it looks like this…

So what according to Game Theory should you do in order to maximize outcomes for yourself?  The summary below are the key points from the Wikipedia Link…

Nice:  The most important condition is that the strategy must be “nice”, that is, it will not defect before its opponent does (this is sometimes referred to as an “optimistic” algorithm). Almost all of the top-scoring strategies were nice; therefore a purely selfish strategy will not “cheat” on its opponent, for purely utilitarian reasons first.

Retaliating:  However, Axelrod contended, the successful strategy must not be a blind optimist. It must sometimes retaliate. An example of a non-retaliating strategy is Always Cooperate. This is a very bad choice, as “nasty” strategies will ruthlessly exploit such players.

Forgiving:   Successful strategies must also be forgiving. Though players will retaliate, they will once again fall back to cooperating if the opponent does not continue to defect. This stops long runs of revenge and counter-revenge, maximizing points.

Non-envious:    The last quality is being non-envious, that is not striving to score more than the opponent (impossible for a ‘nice’ strategy, i.e., a ‘nice’ strategy can never score more than the opponent).

So there we go. Life the Manosphere and Everything in one handy dandy post. A little superficial I know. But what you gonna do about it….

…. well be nice of course. For purely utilitarian reasons.

The Dark Side of Game

Let me tell you a tale about how I have some concerns about the dark side of Game…
We all know the story about the chick that has an abusive boyfriend. First she loves loves loves him, this guy is so special, he’s so perfect, he’s so different. She will not shut the frak up about this guy.
And we all hate listening to her because we all know what is coming.
It starts as a raised voice. Then there’s a push…
Buy Me!

It’s Not Rocket Science…

NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018 

Hat Tip:  Susan Walsh at Hooking Up Smart

Dominance and Submission in Marriage: The Captain and First Officer Model

The world we live in is quite removed from The Time Before Writing. For the modern world learning and understanding appropriate dominance and submission are key life skills for both sexes. Whether you are male or female I suggest you submit to your work supervisors male or female, and be dominant towards your work subordinates male or female. With your work peers you will likely have an ebb and flow of dominance and submission.
However in the context of marriage I believe for most of us a pattern of male dominance and female submission has a basis in Body Agenda. Women respond sexually to dominant men and they can become quite aggressive towards men that seek sexual access that do not evoke feelings of submission in them. The Body Agenda literally thinks “if he can’t handle me, he can’t actually protect me from anything”. Often a woman will tear her husband apart over quite minor things seeking…
Buy Me!

Playing With The Whole Family: Star Trek Text Game

I’m a big believer in play. Playing with your wife, and playing with your kids. Life is getting so serious these days. Play is the antidote to too much serious. You don’t have to turn into a big immature kid to play, just add a helping of goofball and lose a little of the frown.
Both my wife and I work full time jobs, plus we have busy and social kids. We have to schedule pick ups and drop offs with school, and it’s getting to be a lucky dip how many kids you come home with when you go to pick them up from school. Sometime you get 2 kids, sometimes 4, others none. This is by no means a complaint, these are a great group of kids in our neighborhood and we love all of them.
All four of us have a shared cell phone plan, with unlimited text messaging between us. And as all good geeks should know… a cell phone is a de facto Star Trek Communicator. So… in recent months I’ve developed a text message game that ties the whole family together. I call it the Star Trek Text Game.
The first step is to define a few terms. Take your street name, add “The” or “USS” to the front of it, and then drop the street / road from it. So “Redstone Hill Street” becomes “The Redstone” or “USS Redstone Hill”. And bingo you have the starship name of your house.
The cars are more easily named affectionately. These are shuttlecraft and the owner / primary driver’s middle name is the name of the shuttle. That or simply refer to them as shuttles or runabouts.
Naturally I am the Captain with the rank of Captain. If you’re properly geekish and want me to pick an actual character, I’m Spock. Most particularly the middle aged Spock who is no longer purely logical, but more in touch with his emotions and even goes so far to talk of faith. He is quite illogically loyal and concerned for his friends.
Jennifer is the First Officer and rank of Commander. Geeks might enjoy thinking of her as Deanna Troi, but not so much the bimbo early few seasons Troi stating the obvious, (“you feel profoundly sad”) more the final season or two where she is a full bridge officer and uniformed and packing a phaser for away missions. She has a social fluidity, emotional balance and genuine charm that still astounds me to this day. Plus she has the bedroom thing down.
Daughter #1 is an Ensign. She is more fully my daughter than her mothers, but she interfaces with technology superbly, is always connected to something either computer, ipod, phone or all three together. There’s a struggle for individuality from the collective. So she is clearly 7 of 9 our resident Borg. As Ensign she is capable of performing away missions without direct supervision. Though shuttlecraft training is a few years off.
Daughter #2 is still a crewman. Ensign next school year. Like Mom she is  socially adept, sensitive and hard working in the extreme. But she has a wide variety of skills and interests too. She’ll play fight like a Klingon one minute, love money like a Ferengi, then want to read for hours like a Vulcan. There’s a multitude of talents and skills. And in time possibly the wisest of us all. So she’s a Trill. But young, button cute and a little shy. So Ezri Dax.
So that’s the Ship and the Crew…
Neighboring kids houses are referred to by street name, but changing the word denoting street to that of “system”. So someone living on “Duke Street” becomes “The Duke System”.
Another option if the street name is horrible for usage, “ 22 Peach Road” for example is awful, then just ignore the street name, and use the house number and switch it up to “Starbase 22” or “Deep Space 22” or “DS22” for short.
So we text each other a lot. Pick ups, drop offs, where are you going to, when are you back. I’m on my way. Just start texting and playing. Here’s a list of playful terms and verbiage to kick start things.
Fleet operations complete: All kids are dropped off and we are home now.
Understood: Ok
Ensign away mission to Pine System: Daughter #1 is going to her friends house on Pine St.
Creating resupply manifest: I’m going to the store, you need anything?
10 Forward?: I really need a drink tonight, wanna hook up?
ETA The Redstone 10 minutes: I’ll be home in ten minutes
Call for extraction by 2100: I’ll come pick you up from your friends house when you text, but I’ll just show up at 9pm if you don’t call earlier than that.
Memorial delegation on board: I am up to my ass in 7th graders from Memorial Blvd School.
Report: Where are you? How is it going?
How was the diplomatic conference?: How did the meeting go?
Keep a channel open: Stay in touch.
Report Overdue [Rank]: If you shut your phone off or refuse to answer my texts I will ground you young lady. Don’t think I won’t do that just because I’m capable of being playful at times.
Life support critical: We are very very hungry, please bring something to eat home.
Yellow alert: I’m not feeling comfortable here. Please come get me right now.
Red [alert]: HELP NOW. Bring the police.
So that’s the basics, just play and have some fun with it. The kids love it and I’m the cool fun dad. But also one that’s in communication and paying attention. I’ve totally been training the kids that they can dial mom and dad and be automatically dragged out of any situation by their parents. And don’t forget that this entire thing of playful attention to wife and family works for my wife and builds her interest in me. Maybe Star Trek doesn’t work for you, it does for us. But then we’re a little geeky at times.
Of course astute readers will notice that I ranked myself higher than my wife in the command structure. That’s an entire whole other post to come tomorrow.

Oneitis, Female Sex Rank Calibration And Why I Can’t Cuddle.

I have a reader question….
“I’ve been re-reading some older posts, and it occurred to me, that I have no idea what my sex rank is compared to my husband’s. I can’t really ask him what he thinks it is, because (I assume) he loves me, and his judgment is not going to be impartial. Also, men seem to think that they are a lot “hotter” than they are. A self-assessment guide (for both genders, or just males) might make for a thought provoking reevaluation for some, and for those that lack confidence, it might be a bit of a booster.
Just a thought…”
I’ve considered that issue very carefully and decided to leave that as open for now. It may simply work best as a metaphor.
The trouble is that it’s kinda easy to just slap a number on a female seeing they are more heavily weighted towards physical beauty than everything else, and men are the opposite. There are so many factors making up the Sex Rank number that it’s very hard to quantify. Yet I’m sure as soon as you meet someone you can probably mentally peg them as a number, or at least “less hot than me”, “as hot as me”, “more hot than me”, which is ultimately the point.
Also there are going to be a lot of hurt feelings out there if I do that. Plus trying to sync up exactly a female 7 to a male 7 is going to be very tricky.
In addition female Sex Rank is extremely fluid. A woman can probably swing herself +/- an entire point just by wearing sexy/ugly clothes and make up/no make up. Plus the same easily for how often she has sex with her husband can be +/- a point for “all the time” / “as if”. So a female 6 can probably turn herself into a 4 just by dressing badly and holding out on sex, and turn herself into an 8 by sexing it up with her dressing and being playful good fun in the sack frequently. This is fairly easy for a woman to pull off.
My hunch is that the woman tends to default to calibrating herself to the man’s Sex Rank. So a female 6 with a male 8 will “turn it on” and spruce up to her best. Stick her with a 4, and she’ll “turn it off”. All this is quite unconscious of course.
A man on the other hand has sexiness based off far harder factors harder to develop and maintain, so there is more effort involved. They are far more external and social status based. Men get Sex Rank points for stuff like becoming a doctor, or earning $100,000 a year etc. Whereas if a woman puts on a red dress and says she wants to be ridden hard she gets lots of male attention instantly. To be sure in recent years the physical appearance of men has become a little more of a factor and the wealth and status of women has become more of a factor in sex appeal, but overall the stereotypes still hold true.
Also on a *very* positive note, it’s exactly right that your husband is not going to be impartial. Just pulling a number from the air – lets assume you are a 7. A perfectly objective 7 that 99% of the male population agrees on. But your husbands DNA and your DNA match up just right, so when he sees you he doesn’t see just a 7 like everyone else, but instead his Body Agenda sees a 9. The reason being that your DNA matches up well for having healthy babies. Your husband probably experiences this reaction as…. falling in love. Aka Oneitis.
My wife for example is very pretty, but short. And I as a rule don’t like short women. In fact I would put shortness as being on my list of things to avoid. I really strongly prefer say 5’7″ to 5’9″. Jen is 5’0″. (Step stools are a sex toy at our place… true story) She is also brunette and I have a strong preference for blondes. (She lied about her hair color before marriage by dying it blonde when I had met her. Bitch!) So anyway, Jen is probably a natural 8. However to me she’s a freaking 10 as I moved halfway around the world to be with her and can not stop having sex with her. Seriously… I can’t “just cuddle”. I can try and “just cuddle”, and I really do mean to just cuddle and we start off just cuddling… but I’m pretty soon doing the “rearrangement dance” and then I’m poking her in the small of her back with my cock and she starts giggling and yada yada yada you are welcome baby. You are welcome.
I can’t help it with her. She just smells so damn good.
Also while I don’t exactly see myself as Beastly in appearance in a Beauty and the Beast equation, Jennifer definitely responds to me as if I had a higher Sex Rank than I objectively deserve. So she tends to calibrate her sexual response higher to me than she should “objectively”. Sexual chemistry is that important. So we sex it up lots and have just adorable healthy children. This is how nature works. Science can be very comforting sometimes.
So just take Sex Rank as a metaphor for now. Maybe I’ll come up with a chart and a formula. Either way though the exciting hope is that you find someone that you can both experience a good case of Oneitis with each other. Again… I’m not exactly telling the same story as a PUA guru here. They will tell you to ignore Oneitis and just keep moving on to the next girl. So I guess I did that all wrong. My bad.
Actually I feel a little depressed about flunking Oneitis101. I need a cuddle….

Lame Duck Beta Male Becomes Global News

I suppose even worse than being a Menses Boy is this guy…
“…According to the Florida Highway Patrol, a two-car crash on Cudjoe Key was caused by a 37-year-old woman who was shaving her bikini area while in the driver’s seat. Her ex-husband was steering from the passenger seat.
Trooper Gary Dunick explained, “She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit.”
If you’re an ex-husband assisting your prior wife shaving her vajay up for her boyfriend, you are in a bad bad place. $100 says this started off as some sort of Hotwife experience that played out to it’s natural conclusion. How the hell does this guy ever live this one down? LMAO It was in the New Zealand newspapers. Global news!
Maybe a court ordered vajazzle would have stopped this safety risk.