“…This morning as I look in the bathroom closet to grab a tampon I notice there is only 2 left. At that time I think to myself that I will just go buy some more during my lunch break. Well lunch came and went and I did not have time. Then I meant to stop after work. Well work ended and I just jumped in my car and hurried to get the girls. I hate when they are in daycare for a second more than they need to be. So oops forgot to go to the store…again…”
I’m sure this is going to freak some of the hardcore “all women are golddigging, wannabe cuckholding with alpha males, while they betatrize their henpecked husbands” PUA MRA guys out there, but I actually like women. I know… I know… it’s scandalous and confusing. I failed Sodomy101 I guess. My bad.
I even have quite a few mommy bloggers in my feed reader and once you get past the emotional need to actually solve the problems they pose, they can be quite fun to read. Of course as a rule male commentors should not actually offer mommy bloggers advice by way of commenting on their blogs. This is for two reasons. Firstly, mommy bloggers are just blogging, they aren’t typically looking to solve their problems, they are just talking about their day. You can just listen and go “ah-huh” and nod and they like that. Also this can apply to your own wife. Sometimes you just have to listen to her day, it’s how most women decompress and feel socially bonded to people.
Secondly, I’m not having sex with the mommy bloggers. So I don’t actually care. If I see a woman struggling with a tire iron and a flat on the side of the road I’ll stop and help out provided I’m not listening to a good song on the radio. But I’m just not suffering through hearing how her day went without some sort of sex coming into the picture. I’d be like I’ll change the tire, but you need to get back in the car while I do it, or shut up a little. No really… I’d rather be lifting your body weight with a carjack if your clothes are staying on.
Thirdly, a man is not a man without a good set of jumper cables in the trunk. There is no relationship between that statement and mommy blogging. I just said I had two reasons and the third is just extra to prove I have so much good advice that it just leaks from me like pre-cum.
Like I say, I generally shut up on commenting…. but… then I read Real Men Buy Tampons For Their Wives! at This Mama Works It! and here’s a snippet, though I can assure you the entire post is like this.
If it was about dental floss it would be a Seinfeld script…. and as you can guess, hubby gets reeled into the task of shopping for tampons. And when you are doing not much else other than buying tampons in a store, you are not an Alpha Male by any stretch of the imagination. You are Menses Boy.
Don’t misunderstand. It’s not icky or gross to me. I’m a nurse remember, it’s just a little blood that gets mopped up by clean toiletries. No big deal. I’ve seen water break and childbirth. Code Brown Room 7. Shrug. I mean it doesn’t get much more dominant than being able to catheterize someone. But no question…. the wife is stepping out of line when you are providing emergency concierge service for tampons or menstrual pads. That’s her job. There’s a difference between a flat tire and just running out of gas.
Let’s see how that one flies with Mama…
Keep it light and funny, turn it back to sex, tease her. Don’t get embrassed, grumpy or annoyed. This is an easy test to pass.
And for the record. You buy the condoms because that makes you look studly and sexy, and her slutty and cheap. She buys the tampons because it’s in the Bible. I’m pretty sure. Somewhere.
Here’s a heart wrenching song about Sex Rank…
You’ve probably heard Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me”, but have a listen to it again. The cheerleader girlfriend is a 10. The guy in question is an 8. Being two ranks below cheerleader girl, she shits all over him in their relationship. He’s crazy about her, but it’s just painfully one sided.
Taylor’s character in the song is a 6, and just crazy about the guy who is an 8. She has about as much chance with him as he has with the cheerleader. Consequently he shits all over her by not even realizing she could have feelings for him, and uses her to prop his feelings up to sustain the emotional battering he gets from the cheerleader.
Come on, we’ve all had our turn in this barrell. I won’t say Sex Rank is a pretty dynamic, I’ll just say it’s true.
Of course all three of them have no way of knowing that High School Sex Rank doesn’t always equal real world Adult Sex Rank…
… but try telling teenagers that.
Kissing is so important. You know it is. Lets just make out for a bit. Like we used to before everything else came along. I need you. Let me show you how much I’m into you. Come here girl…. I’m going to make you understand what we have together. Feel the thump inside my chest against yours. Feel it. Kiss me like I know you want to. No secrets, no boundaries, no lies, no holding back. Lean into me. I have you…
Maybe it’s time to review one of the most basic everyday moves for the married gamer.
The 10 Second Kiss You MUST do this routine. Daily.
Want another variation on kissing? Try Locking In Her Kiss.
Need something else to try? When you go in for a kiss, rather than you diving in towards her, smile playfully and reach out to her and gently hook a finger or two into the front of her shirt / cleavage. Gently pull her towards you for the kiss. Don’t rip the front of her shirt open or anything silly, just reel her into you for the smooch.
Lots of tongue… Dr Fisher’s orders.
Via email and comments I keep getting asked a variation on this question;
“How do I make my wife do (or be) XYZ?”
Also the questioners almost always want something that “works right away”.
Well the first step in troubleshooting a wife that isn’t working properly is to disconnect her from her power source and wait 30 seconds, then plug her back in and see if when she reboots if that solves the problem. Often that solves the issue with some of the earlier Stepford models. Otherwise open up the back and manually pull out and switch the Soap Opera Module and the Sex Drive Module into each others slots, then restart and clear the shoes and shopping cache and see if that frees up memory processing. If that fails call tech support and we never…
About five weeks ago I had a shocking bad day at work with high blood pressure and a lot of anger over something that had happened that day. I’m not usually an angry guy by any stretch of the imagination, but I was fuming that particular day.
On the way home I experienced acute pain in my left upper back directly behind my heart. Worrying about a cardiac issue I went to the ER and generally got a clean bill of health save for a diagnosis of anxiety related to stress and hey ho here’s an Ativan script. Oh really?
The follow up appointment with my primary doctor had her offering me Lexapro to manage my anxiety symptoms. If you’re paying attention I went to the ER to rule out a cardiac issue, and was given psychiatric treatment. Which is like going for a Xray to rule out a fracture and being given an enema. So anyway, about a week ago I had my annual physical / one month follow up to the ER visit. So I’m seeing my doctor and get an immediate…
“You look great, the Lexapro seems to be helping”.
“Thanks”, I said.
Then I handed her all the unopened sample boxes of Lexapro back.
Game – Set – Match.
So the rest of the physical was rather uneventful apart from my complete inability to relax my legs correctly so she could test my reflexes by tapping my knees with the rubber hammer.
“Stop helping the doctor please”.
“Can’t help it, it’s my job”.
Then we reviewed my labs. Well… she handed them to me and I looked at them and said I’d cut back on a few cheeseburgers while she documented my non-compliance with cholesterol medication without asking too hard. She’s really a very good doctor.
That being said. That’s all part of the trap that SSRI medication is. It’s advertised the hell out of and there’s very little awareness spread about the sexual side effects they cause. Even the doctors are force fed the hype and the side effects seem to be ignored. I’ve done a little more digging and discovered that even more dramatically, SSRI medications like Prozac, Lexapro, Luvox, Paxil etc can not only damage your sex drive, they can even damage your ability to experience and feel romantic love.
“It is well known that these medications can cause emotional blunting and dysfunction in sexual desire, arousal, and performance in upward of three of every four patients. But we are writing now to add that we believe these side effects have even more serious consequences than currently appreciated, due to their impact on several other related neural mechanisms….….Due to their impact on the sex drive, these medications can also jeopardize other brain/body mechanisms that govern mate assessment, mate choice, pair formation, and partner attachment. For example, female orgasm has many functions. Among them, it aids sperm retention and enables women to discriminate between self-centered as opposed to dedicated partners—partners who might be more likely to help them rear their young. Female orgasm may also help women choose men with better genes, as women are more orgasmic with men who are healthy and symmetrical, markers of good testosterone load. Female orgasm may also enhance feelings of attachment, because it stimulates the release of oxytocin and prolactin. As these drugs impair or eliminate female orgasm, they interfere with delicate biological mechanisms designed to aid mate choice and partner attachment. As these SSRI medications impair male orgasm, they also jeopardize a male’s ability to court, inseminate, and attach to a potential partner.”
Or put in plain English. If you’re on the damn pills you are chemically castrating yourself to some degree. And as I said in my prior post, that sexual damage may be long lasting even after you come off the medication.
A little more from Dr Fisher (who has an impressive body of work and needs to be read and absorbed by the Game/PUA community)
And on a personal level. Things are a lot better now. I made a horrible decision I had been putting off a little, we’re through 3 of the 4 State inspections at work and passing well and they are hiring more nurses so my workload should settle down. Plus I figured out the chair I was sitting on that day plus a low med counter was giving me the back pain. So I’m fine. SSRI bullet dodged – but shudder to think what might have happened if I didn’t own a drug book / work as a psych nurse.
So spread the word please. These drugs have a great chance at destroying your sex life. If you truely need them, then you need them and should take them under psychiatric care (NOT a Primary MD) but I would make extremely sure that it was required to go that route.
Yesterday I mentioned I had a killer text game technique. It’s so simple and easy, and pretty hard to mess up. Married guys will game the wife, single guys can possibly game multiple women with this at the same time.
After a text or two generally opening the conversation, and making sure she has some privacy and ability to respond, you start the game with texting…
This clues her into that you are playing a game with her and unless she had some sort of bizarre childhood, she will know the game and be almost automatically driven to comply with demands from “Simon”.
“Simon Says, text that you are IN to playing Simon Says”.
If you get an “IN” reply, you’re in, and can just start issuing commands as you think she would comply and enjoy. Suggestions;
Simon says find a private area of the house
Simon says remove an article of clothing
Simon says take a photo of your boobs
Simon says take a photo of your Vajazzle
Simon says rub your nipples
Simon says take your panties off
Simon says turn the lights down low
Simon says finger yourself
Simon says agree to a booty call
Generally just start from simpler less daring requests and work up to more daring ones. Of course if you’re a single bad boy you can text Simon Says requests to multiple women at once as long as you can keep up with the texting speed.
Simon says leave a comment…
“Most married men I know complain about their wives propensity to find a million things to do right when it is time to head out the door. Maybe it’s the wife who decides she has to do her hair one more time before they leave, or maybe it’s one more outfit change because they are unhappy with how what they are wearing is fitting, who knows?
…So I’m curious. For those guys who are married, were married, or living with a woman. Have you experienced the last minute task, and how did you handle it? Maybe Athol Kay from Married Man Sex Life has some better ideas on how to handle the last minute mundane task delay.”
This is one of those really annoying things that my wife has never been guilty of in terms of going out to social events. We both tend to get enmeshed in work and have trouble leaving for home on time, but we both know the others situation so it doesn’t really bother either of us.
However… oh yeah I’ve seen this issue in many couples. 5-10 minutes late is fashionably late, no problem. 30+ minutes late is just increasingly rude and must be addressed. This really isn’t even a male / female thing, it’s just part of being an adult to show up at an appropriate time to social events. Though I do think it’s an easy way for a woman to test a man, so I’ll answer the question as such.
I guess for girlfriends one option for dealing with it is to simply dump her. Then high five yourself for not taking her shit. This is epic fail. You don’t pass a fitness test by finishing up not in a relationship with the woman, you know when you pass a fitness test by the woman stopping the testing behavior and wanting to have sex with you more than she did before. Yeah I know this was a wierd thing to have to explain, but apparently some guys need to be told.
If you’re getting tearful messages on your answering machine asking what happened and you’re giving yourself a “low five”, you could have probably handled things better. You may in fact be an asshole rather than a PUA.
Another option is to trick the wife into thinking the 730p social event actually starts at 7p to give yourself the extra 30 minutes to allow her to be late. This is just enabling the situation to continue into the future forever. Trust me she will figure this one out and eventually stretch things out to an hour. It’s also telling her that you cannot control her, and that she has the power in this situation.
Option three is just to accept that she owns you and to fume quietly and develop cancer somewhere on your body. This way is death. She will take control of the entire relationship eventually.
Option four is a sudden surprise where you just leave and she discovers that you are gone and so is your car. She’s messing with her hair and finally finishes and walks into the living room 35 minutes behind schedule and the house is empty. There’s a lot of shock value in this technique, but I worry that it’s too harsh. She may well comply in the future, but it’s going to cost attraction points.
My approach for this single issue is similar to my overall approach to increasing your sex life with your wife. You are not trying to control her, you are trying to control you and she will either respond to it, or she won’t.
Firstly ignore the fact that her behavior is “causing the lateness”. The issue should be framed as “I am late and that’s not acceptable to me“. Make no mention of her getting ready routine. If she complains or argues just broken record “I am late and that is not acceptable to me.”
Give her a first warning shot that “I am late and that is not acceptable to me” during an episode of lateness. Firm tone of voice and eye contact.
Give her a second warning shot that “I am late and that is not acceptable to me. If this happens again I will ensure I arrive on time with or without you”.
A third and final warning during an episode of lateness that “I am late and that is not acceptable to me. As I told you before I’m just going to make sure I arrive on time regardless of whether you are ready or not.”
Then in the future give her a reasonable heads up of when you are leaving, i.e. at 5pm say we’re leaving at 7pm. Then just leave at that time with or without her. Try not to make it over something truly dramatic like a family vacation, but out to dinner or a movie or whatever is fine.
Realize that the relationship may end over this. Leaving her behind may turn into the unforgivable sin and she may well scream her nut off at you over this. In that moment you have to realize that her behavior is rude and she is blaming you for not supporting her rudeness. Also she may well arrive 40 minutes late and mad as a snake at you and rip you up verbally in public for leaving her behind. That’s a whole other level of socially inappropriate behavior towards you. Perhaps in those moments, you’ll realize exactly what you married… and want to have a serious think about things and the direction of your life. If this is a wife perhaps you might suggest “taking some space”. I’d just dump a girlfriend chewing me up in public on the spot.
So like I said earlier – the basic issue is that you are allowing her to control you with the lateness. So you control you as the solution. And remember 5-10 minutes isn’t too serious. Not everything is a fitness test.
And of course remember the Golden Rule of Sex Rank. Never force an ultimatum on your wife if she is hotter than you.
I am addicted to texting. Being an old guy I hadn’t really done it until about a year ago when it just became a convenient way to update my primary co-worker of things. Somehow most of our work sites have crappy cell reception and yet texts get through. So Jen and I figured out that we could adjust our phone plan for unlimited texting between each other (and the girls too).
I have become a texting fiend. I have no clue how we lived without it before this year.
Obviously there’s generally updating each other during the day of whatever that’s nice. My work schedule is very flexible, but also demanding in that if something comes up last minute I really can’t walk out the door. Also I tend to be somewhat distractable. So when I am doing kid pick up or coming home, I text Jen. She’s not keeping tabs on me, she just worries and a 2 second “OMW” relaxes her.
But I’ve done a few more creative things as well….
Upon occasion I have snuck access to her phone and reprogrammed my name in her contact list to; “Big Daddy”, “Cockzilla”, “Sex Toy” or “Lord and Master”. It shows the callers name on the outside of her phone, so I try to avoid this for important business meetings lol, but it always gets a reaction.
If the night before was particularly good, I’ll often mention that. “You were wonderful”.
At random I’ll just ask her what color panties she is wearing. It’s fun, it’s flirty and fairly quick.
Picking days when she has a little more privacy and opportunity, I can usually wrangle a few photos out of her. Oh yeah. Hey why not me getting this sort of attention. Women love to be treated like sex objects if they are into the man. Women do this sort of thing for their Facebook lovers all the time. Show me a photo of your tits baby. Woo-hoo!
When you ask for panty color or photos, just ask and then wait. Don’t fold and apologize for asking. Just ask and wait. It will come.
Tomorrow I’ll teach you a text game that 100% works, and could work for single guys on multiple women at the same time at getting T and A photos, but for now I’ll show you one that I tried today that mostly worked but has a most excellent potential.
Jen speaks reasonably good French. So using Babelfish, I sent her a few texts today in French…
“Je tiens a la livre a votre chat ce soir”
(I want to read a sturdy book to your cat tonight)
Ok that just blew. I was trying to make a joke about pounding her “cat” tonight, but I have no frakking clue what Google did there. Try again…
“Vous etes tres beautiful dans la cuisine quand nu”
(You are very beautiful in the kitchen when you are naked)
Then she was driving for 90 minutes and I got busy, so no more experimentation today. That being said, it’s a fun little puzzle to give the ladies, and French is always romantic. I’m laughing over my most appalling French and get asked by a female co-worker what’s so funny and I explain. She laughs and proceeds to play with her hair… I shit you not. Apparently even Google Translate French is a DHV. Wowza.
I think we can all tolerate a little French every now and then… I have no clue what this girl is saying. But I am interested in hearing more…
… go hunt up a few good phrases on and save them to templates or outgoing messages, then you have them on a whim during the day. Just launch a couple at her during the day. Make sure she knows about Babelfish. Little puzzles of compliments and/or sexual requests. She’ll eat it up.
Incidentally Jen prefered the translations from Babelfish better than Google Translate. I tried…
“Je veux avoir le sexe chaud de singe avec vous ce soir”
(I want to have hot monkey sex with you tonight)
…and it retranslated “Je veux avoir le sexe chaud de singe avec vous ce soir” back into English as “I want to have the hot sex of monkey with you this evening” and we both shit ourselves laughing.
Let me know how you do.
A few thank you’s are in order.
Ulysses at Hidden Leaves has added me to his weekly linkbait posts several times and give explicit mention in The Importance of Giving Firmness
Ferdinand Bardamu at In Mala Fide has very kindly linked to me several times in his weekly linkbait posts.
All very much appreciated. I’ve had some nice readership increases over the last week or so, and I think some of you guys are to blame.
Wicked Shawn is one of my more frequent commentors and she’s always thought inducing when she does so.
Thank you to to everyone that does comment, and those many people that delurked and sent me emails over the last week. Writing is very fun to me, but also it requires effort, this has been an extremely encouraging week with all the contact and communication.
Back in The Time Before Writing there were two males squaring off over a female. The older larger alpha Sal and the younger smaller Throgg. The female knew that the Sal was going to beat the smaller Throgg and like it or not she would be mated with Sal.
Then something very unusual happened. Throgg invented Pick Up…
In a smooth fluid motion Throgg picked up a four foot long solid piece of wood from the ground and pounded Sal like a rented punching bag until he learned to exhibit approach anxiety. Armed with his club Throgg felt confident and sexy and he naturally got the girl. Brains plus some brawn beat pure brawn.
Throgg became famous and taught classes to aspiring males about his amazing Pick Up technique. Pretty soon if a male didn’t know about Pick Up they didn’t have a chance with the ladies. All the females started paying more attention to the males that could hold a club. After a while when a female wanted to get laid she’d just tell all her friends she was going out clubbing.
After a few hundred generations of sexual selection for males good with clubs, everyone was starting to get good with clubs. But also cool stuff like axes, knifes, hammers, spears, bows and slings had been invented too. Turns out that the males that were good with one tool usually turned out to be pretty good with all of them. They could fight and they could build a better home as well. The females loved the newer predator safe villages and homes the tool using men could create. In fact after a while all the females started insisting on well built homes to keep critters and predators away from crying babies in the middle of the night.
A man’s use of tools is sexy. It is the original alpha male skill.
So when your wife asks you to repair something around the house… it’s a requirement programmed into her DNA where she’s driven to live in a nest safe for children to be born into. She’s going to see it as your job to repair the nest. Failing to do repair work and general nest maintenance is going to flip her sexual attraction switches for you off.
I’m not saying you have to be able to build a house from scratch, but at least a minimal level of ability with basic tools and home repair tasks is going to make your wife feel safe and comfortable. In modern terms it’s really a Beta Male Trait.
Know the difference between a bathroom remodel that you can’t afford – that’s a shit test – and making sure the things in your home are functional and safe. Just make a list and start fixing.
Unleash your inner Throgg.
As an aside, do a few Tim The Tool Man Talyor grunts as you repair and present your finished repair job to your wife. It’s always funny and sets up an expectation that you deserve a little extra attention for your efforts. Plus if you actually frak the repair up you have an automatic lead into humorous “oh no” grunting and a second attempt at repair.
The use of nearly every word associated with repairs lends itself to purposely comically bad pick up lines.
“Is there anything else that needs to be nailed?”
“Mind if I work on your plumbing?”
“This tool is strong and quite hard”.
“My techinque is just to pound it hard”.
“I’m looking for the perfect screw”.
“If anything else is dripping, I’ll take a look at that too”.
“If you stand any closer baby, you’ll need protection”.
“I can’t stop and have sex now, doing you is 7th on the list and I’m only at #5″.
“I’m done with the sink. So how long until your husband is back….?”
P.S. Don’t frak with electricity. Get you brother-in-law to help with that.