Hat Tip: Susan Walsh at Hooking Up Smart
Archives for March 2010
The world we live in is quite removed from The Time Before Writing. For the modern world learning and understanding appropriate dominance and submission are key life skills for both sexes. Whether you are male or female I suggest you submit to your work supervisors male or female, and be dominant towards your work subordinates male or female. With your work peers you will likely have an ebb and flow of dominance and submission.
However in the context of marriage I believe for most of us a pattern of male dominance and female submission has a basis in Body Agenda. Women respond sexually to dominant men and they can become quite aggressive towards men that seek sexual access that do not evoke feelings of submission in them. The Body Agenda literally thinks “if he can’t handle me, he can’t actually protect me from anything”. Often a woman will tear her husband apart over quite minor things seeking…
I’m a big believer in play. Playing with your wife, and playing with your kids. Life is getting so serious these days. Play is the antidote to too much serious. You don’t have to turn into a big immature kid to play, just add a helping of goofball and lose a little of the frown.
Both my wife and I work full time jobs, plus we have busy and social kids. We have to schedule pick ups and drop offs with school, and it’s getting to be a lucky dip how many kids you come home with when you go to pick them up from school. Sometime you get 2 kids, sometimes 4, others none. This is by no means a complaint, these are a great group of kids in our neighborhood and we love all of them.
All four of us have a shared cell phone plan, with unlimited text messaging between us. And as all good geeks should know… a cell phone is a de facto Star Trek Communicator. So… in recent months I’ve developed a text message game that ties the whole family together. I call it the Star Trek Text Game.
The first step is to define a few terms. Take your street name, add “The” or “USS” to the front of it, and then drop the street / road from it. So “Redstone Hill Street” becomes “The Redstone” or “USS Redstone Hill”. And bingo you have the starship name of your house.
The cars are more easily named affectionately. These are shuttlecraft and the owner / primary driver’s middle name is the name of the shuttle. That or simply refer to them as shuttles or runabouts.
Naturally I am the Captain with the rank of Captain. If you’re properly geekish and want me to pick an actual character, I’m Spock. Most particularly the middle aged Spock who is no longer purely logical, but more in touch with his emotions and even goes so far to talk of faith. He is quite illogically loyal and concerned for his friends.
Jennifer is the First Officer and rank of Commander. Geeks might enjoy thinking of her as Deanna Troi, but not so much the bimbo early few seasons Troi stating the obvious, (“you feel profoundly sad”) more the final season or two where she is a full bridge officer and uniformed and packing a phaser for away missions. She has a social fluidity, emotional balance and genuine charm that still astounds me to this day. Plus she has the bedroom thing down.
Daughter #1 is an Ensign. She is more fully my daughter than her mothers, but she interfaces with technology superbly, is always connected to something either computer, ipod, phone or all three together. There’s a struggle for individuality from the collective. So she is clearly 7 of 9 our resident Borg. As Ensign she is capable of performing away missions without direct supervision. Though shuttlecraft training is a few years off.
Daughter #2 is still a crewman. Ensign next school year. Like Mom she is socially adept, sensitive and hard working in the extreme. But she has a wide variety of skills and interests too. She’ll play fight like a Klingon one minute, love money like a Ferengi, then want to read for hours like a Vulcan. There’s a multitude of talents and skills. And in time possibly the wisest of us all. So she’s a Trill. But young, button cute and a little shy. So Ezri Dax.
So that’s the Ship and the Crew…
Neighboring kids houses are referred to by street name, but changing the word denoting street to that of “system”. So someone living on “Duke Street” becomes “The Duke System”.
Another option if the street name is horrible for usage, “ 22 Peach Road” for example is awful, then just ignore the street name, and use the house number and switch it up to “Starbase 22” or “Deep Space 22” or “DS22” for short.
So we text each other a lot. Pick ups, drop offs, where are you going to, when are you back. I’m on my way. Just start texting and playing. Here’s a list of playful terms and verbiage to kick start things.
Fleet operations complete: All kids are dropped off and we are home now.
Ensign away mission to Pine System: Daughter #1 is going to her friends house on Pine St.
Creating resupply manifest: I’m going to the store, you need anything?
10 Forward?: I really need a drink tonight, wanna hook up?
ETA The Redstone 10 minutes: I’ll be home in ten minutes
Call for extraction by 2100: I’ll come pick you up from your friends house when you text, but I’ll just show up at 9pm if you don’t call earlier than that.
Memorial delegation on board: I am up to my ass in 7th graders from Memorial Blvd School.
Report: Where are you? How is it going?
How was the diplomatic conference?: How did the meeting go?
Keep a channel open: Stay in touch.
Report Overdue [Rank]: If you shut your phone off or refuse to answer my texts I will ground you young lady. Don’t think I won’t do that just because I’m capable of being playful at times.
Life support critical: We are very very hungry, please bring something to eat home.
Yellow alert: I’m not feeling comfortable here. Please come get me right now.
Red [alert]: HELP NOW. Bring the police.
So that’s the basics, just play and have some fun with it. The kids love it and I’m the cool fun dad. But also one that’s in communication and paying attention. I’ve totally been training the kids that they can dial mom and dad and be automatically dragged out of any situation by their parents. And don’t forget that this entire thing of playful attention to wife and family works for my wife and builds her interest in me. Maybe Star Trek doesn’t work for you, it does for us. But then we’re a little geeky at times.
Of course astute readers will notice that I ranked myself higher than my wife in the command structure. That’s an entire whole other post to come tomorrow.
I have a reader question….
“I’ve been re-reading some older posts, and it occurred to me, that I have no idea what my sex rank is compared to my husband’s. I can’t really ask him what he thinks it is, because (I assume) he loves me, and his judgment is not going to be impartial. Also, men seem to think that they are a lot “hotter” than they are. A self-assessment guide (for both genders, or just males) might make for a thought provoking reevaluation for some, and for those that lack confidence, it might be a bit of a booster.
Just a thought…”
I’ve considered that issue very carefully and decided to leave that as open for now. It may simply work best as a metaphor.
The trouble is that it’s kinda easy to just slap a number on a female seeing they are more heavily weighted towards physical beauty than everything else, and men are the opposite. There are so many factors making up the Sex Rank number that it’s very hard to quantify. Yet I’m sure as soon as you meet someone you can probably mentally peg them as a number, or at least “less hot than me”, “as hot as me”, “more hot than me”, which is ultimately the point.
Also there are going to be a lot of hurt feelings out there if I do that. Plus trying to sync up exactly a female 7 to a male 7 is going to be very tricky.
In addition female Sex Rank is extremely fluid. A woman can probably swing herself +/- an entire point just by wearing sexy/ugly clothes and make up/no make up. Plus the same easily for how often she has sex with her husband can be +/- a point for “all the time” / “as if”. So a female 6 can probably turn herself into a 4 just by dressing badly and holding out on sex, and turn herself into an 8 by sexing it up with her dressing and being playful good fun in the sack frequently. This is fairly easy for a woman to pull off.
My hunch is that the woman tends to default to calibrating herself to the man’s Sex Rank. So a female 6 with a male 8 will “turn it on” and spruce up to her best. Stick her with a 4, and she’ll “turn it off”. All this is quite unconscious of course.
A man on the other hand has sexiness based off far harder factors harder to develop and maintain, so there is more effort involved. They are far more external and social status based. Men get Sex Rank points for stuff like becoming a doctor, or earning $100,000 a year etc. Whereas if a woman puts on a red dress and says she wants to be ridden hard she gets lots of male attention instantly. To be sure in recent years the physical appearance of men has become a little more of a factor and the wealth and status of women has become more of a factor in sex appeal, but overall the stereotypes still hold true.
Also on a *very* positive note, it’s exactly right that your husband is not going to be impartial. Just pulling a number from the air – lets assume you are a 7. A perfectly objective 7 that 99% of the male population agrees on. But your husbands DNA and your DNA match up just right, so when he sees you he doesn’t see just a 7 like everyone else, but instead his Body Agenda sees a 9. The reason being that your DNA matches up well for having healthy babies. Your husband probably experiences this reaction as…. falling in love. Aka Oneitis.
My wife for example is very pretty, but short. And I as a rule don’t like short women. In fact I would put shortness as being on my list of things to avoid. I really strongly prefer say 5’7″ to 5’9″. Jen is 5’0″. (Step stools are a sex toy at our place… true story) She is also brunette and I have a strong preference for blondes. (She lied about her hair color before marriage by dying it blonde when I had met her. Bitch!) So anyway, Jen is probably a natural 8. However to me she’s a freaking 10 as I moved halfway around the world to be with her and can not stop having sex with her. Seriously… I can’t “just cuddle”. I can try and “just cuddle”, and I really do mean to just cuddle and we start off just cuddling… but I’m pretty soon doing the “rearrangement dance” and then I’m poking her in the small of her back with my cock and she starts giggling and yada yada yada you are welcome baby. You are welcome.
I can’t help it with her. She just smells so damn good.
Also while I don’t exactly see myself as Beastly in appearance in a Beauty and the Beast equation, Jennifer definitely responds to me as if I had a higher Sex Rank than I objectively deserve. So she tends to calibrate her sexual response higher to me than she should “objectively”. Sexual chemistry is that important. So we sex it up lots and have just adorable healthy children. This is how nature works. Science can be very comforting sometimes.
So just take Sex Rank as a metaphor for now. Maybe I’ll come up with a chart and a formula. Either way though the exciting hope is that you find someone that you can both experience a good case of Oneitis with each other. Again… I’m not exactly telling the same story as a PUA guru here. They will tell you to ignore Oneitis and just keep moving on to the next girl. So I guess I did that all wrong. My bad.
Actually I feel a little depressed about flunking Oneitis101. I need a cuddle….
I suppose even worse than being a Menses Boy is this guy…
“…According to the Florida Highway Patrol, a two-car crash on Cudjoe Key was caused by a 37-year-old woman who was shaving her bikini area while in the driver’s seat. Her ex-husband was steering from the passenger seat.
Trooper Gary Dunick explained, “She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit.”
If you’re an ex-husband assisting your prior wife shaving her vajay up for her boyfriend, you are in a bad bad place. $100 says this started off as some sort of Hotwife experience that played out to it’s natural conclusion. How the hell does this guy ever live this one down? LMAO It was in the New Zealand newspapers. Global news!
Maybe a court ordered vajazzle would have stopped this safety risk.