Soulmates, Crushes and Staying Married Anyway

Soulmate (Wikipedia)
“A soulmate is somebody with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/or compatibility. A related concept is that of the twin flame or twin soul – which is thought to be the ultimate soulmate, the one and only other half of one’s soul, for which all souls are driven to find and join. However, not everyone who uses these terms intends them to carry such mystical connotations.”
Soulmate Card (Married Man Sex Life!)
“A tactic used by a straying spouse to trump any and all ethical responsibilities of action or honesty towards a legally married spouse. The cheat simply announces the Soulmate Card is in play and both the husband and wife are powerless to effect the relationship from that point. The Soulmate trumps all other cards in play and the marriage ends.”
There are two basic defenses to the Soulmate Card. The first is the other man/woman simply denying the Soulmate Card, by saying they don’t feel nearly so serious about the relationship and that this is only a fling WTF are you talking about. The other is by the cheat finding out that the other man/woman was in fact having sex with yet another unknown person the whole time of the affair. (I mean it’s one thing that he goes home to his wife and has sex with her, but finding out the bastard has ANOTHER girlfriend is a deal breaker.)

While Jennifer and I share a great deal of “affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/or compatibility”, I really don’t see her as my soulmate. She’s my wife. Which is a far more powerful and meaingful thing.

With a soulmate there is a sense of powerlessness that goes along with it. We just are soulmates, it just is magical, it’s so effortless together, we just know what the other is thinking, we just drawn to each other. It’s as if the relationship has a power of all it’s own and the couple involved are passengers in that relationship. Well kinda… it’s a neurochemical thing happening.

With a husband and wife, there is an active sense of empowerment that goes along with it. If there is magic we made that together, if we know what the other is thinking it is because we have listened to each other, if we have a special bond together it is because we have gone to each other and joined. We drive the relationship and direct it. It’s a rational neo-cortex thing happening here.

Being in a “soulmatey” experience is more typically at the start of a relationship and is a heady experience. Lets just call it what it is – it’s two people crushing on each other is all. It’s all hormones and biology. It’s totally awesome being in that experience and some people crave that like a drug… which… well is probably because it is a drug.

Being a husband or a wife is about creating a long term meaningful deep emotional pair bond. It’s less dramatic, less in your face, but it’s vitally important and smooth and deep in flavor.

Accept that crushes – for each other or even other people, are temporary and erratic. They can spring up from nothing, burst over you for a moment and then be gone. They can simmer quietly in the background for years. They can suddenly fizzle out. They can ebb and flow as mine does with Jennifer. Up and down and around and around. I still crush on her after all this time and then I don’t. And then I do. (Jennifer is the stable one in our relationship lol, I’m the more random one, true story.)

However, as long as you are being actively good to each other, the pair bond however will strengthen over time. Stronger and stronger. I can hardly remember life before Jennifer. It’s like she was always a part of me, like I halfway expect to go back to the photos of me before we met and still see her with me somehow.

One of the reasons I am so serious about couples having regular sex – even “below average” sex, is that sex is one of the most potent ways to strenghten and maintain the pair bond you have together. Half the reason long distance relationships fail is that you can’t have sex with each other and maintain the chemistry exchange program together.

If you keep the sex level up to a decent rate, and keep being good to each other, you will likely experience crushes on each other periodically. Crushes are a biochemical reaction happening up in your brain and are most likely simply a set of neurochemicals designed as a Mate Replacement Program holding over from The Time Before Writing.

Of course if your wife hasn’t just been eaten by beasties and she’s in fact holding down a job as a CPA or something, having a random crush on the girl that serves you coffee at Dunkin Donuts (her tits are frakking amazing btw) isn’t actually something that’s going to work to your long term advantage if you act on it.

So be very wary of announcements of not feeling in love, or soulmates, or the classic ILYBINILWY… I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You. These things can be very temporary and erratic. The same thing can happen with suddenly feeling your heart skip a beat over someone new you just met. This stuff happens, it’s normal. You’re designed this way. (Oh crap I mean evolved, evolved this way)

When all is said and done, the entire concept of a soulmate is just a mental rationalization to justify taking action that someones Body Agenda is suggesting.


  1. hiddenleaves says:

    I don't know any successful LTRs or marriages in which people talk about finding their soulmate. It's akin to "meant to be." Nah. If timing hadn't been right for Penelope and me, I wouldn't be a monk right now.

    Reality is so much more satisfying.

  2. Athol Kay says:

    I hear ya.

  3. Demonspawn says:

    Well since this post got ate and isn't going to be reused:

    I don't believe in soulmates. If my wife did, I wouldn't have married her.

    Why? For a successful relationship, you need to be a whole person in a relationship with a whole person. Someone who believes in and is looking for a soulmate is not a whole person. They are a half-person looking for another half-person to match up with and live in the wonderful hell of mutual co-dependency.

    Don't do it. Be a whole person. And if you have kids, for Gods' sake don't raise them to believe in soulmates.

  4. Athol Kay says:

    Thanks Demonspawn, much appreciated.

    I agree that once you hear "soulmate" out of a dates mouth you need to immediately check up on progress towards the altar lol.

  5. I can't translate the first five paragraphs of this post into English.

    What IS the soulmate card? What words does a person use when playing it, and who does he or she say them to?

    OK, say I'm cheating, and I "play the soulmate card": Does that mean I tell my wife that she and I are soulmates and then leave? That I tell her the other woman is my soulmate, and leave? Or am I telling my mistress that my wife is my soulmate, or that my she, the mistress, is?

    When I go combinatoric on it and exhaustively enumerate the permutations, it starts to look like I must be telling my wife that my mistress is my soulmate, because the other possibilities are obviously nonsensical. But if I wanted to have to put that kind of effort into reading something, I've got a copy of Finnegan's Wake at home.

    Then you say that a defense is "the other man/woman simply denying the Soulmate Card": WHICH other man/woman? There's a total of three men/women in play here. Does it mean my wife's defense against the soulmate card is for my mistress to tell me it's just a fling? The "other woman" is usually the mistress, right? Or is it my wife telling me my affair is just a fling, or that our marriage is? (If the latter, and I'm cheating, she may be right.) Or is it the mistress who's defending herself against the soulmate card? But if the purpose of the soulmate card is to rationalize mistreating my wife, why would my mistress need a defense?

    That one is worse, because all of the permutations are nonsensical.

    It's a mess of ambiguous antecedents and missing context.

    You clearly know exactly what's in your head during those first five paragraphs, but you didn't include enough of it in the post for the reader to follow along — unless he already knows what you mean. I've read and greatly enjoyed a bunch of your stuff without ever encountering this problem, but this one really threw me for a loop.

  6. Athol Kay says:

    The straying spouse is the one "Playing the Soulmate Card". They will literally explain and defend their cheating to their spouse on the basis that the Other Man/Woman is "their soulmate".

    The Other Man/Woman is the third wheel that the cheating partner is cheating with.

    Basically the only way the viewpoint that the affair partner is the cheaters soulmate is by the affair partner smashing the illusion that they are the soulmate.

    The nature of the cheater claiming that the spouse isn't the soulmate and the Other Woman/Man is their soulmate, negates any possiblity of the spouse requesting reconcillation effectively.

    Or put another way… say your wife is cheating on you and she tells you that your entire marriage history is trivial in importance compared to her relationship with her lover and that relationship is all important, you have no hope of breaking them up and having her return to you. Unless of course he dumps her.

  7. Thanks! Much more clear now.

  8. Steve Witham says:

    Oh thanks I had buzzed thru combinations and come up with the wrong reading too. ("Read over your compositions, and wherever you meet with a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out." –Boswell quoting Samuel Johnson)

    Anyway, puts interesting light on some long term crushes of mine. I mean I had figured out my attitude was and tendency still is nuts but interesting different perspective reinforcement of the lesson.

  9. white mallow says:

    Thank you for saying its normal to have crushes on random people.. I feel so guilty sometimes! but I can't help it! & I have NO intention of acting on the crushes..sometimes they last a minute..others longer.. but I believe a famous casanova type character once said something to the effect of "do not think of one lover while with another"..mind you that guy was polyamorous.. if only I could remember his name.. anyway..Thank you!

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