Hi Athol,I stumbled across your blog today and liked your article on domination and submission within marriage. I’m only 21 and have never been married. But I do like the idea of dominating a woman, and I’ve heard there are lots of women that like to be dominated. So I guess my question for you is how to find these women? Is there a good way to screen for them? Do submissive women hang out at certain venues?Thank you!
I think you might be missing the point just a little. As I said earlier the very large majority of women tend to desire an element of submission to a male partner. So submissive women don’t really hang out anywhere in particular, they are basically everywhere. If you want a rough guide, probably 4 out of every 5 women is going to enjoy submitting to the right guy. So you can really find them everywhere.
And again – broken record time – when I say most men are dominant and most women are submissive, I say this in the same way I say men tend to be taller than women. Yes you can find submissive or short men and yes you can find dominant or tall women. But in general the observation holds true.
Also I’m saying in the context of a sexual relationship this element comes to light. It’s not an all men dominate all women statement. It’s one man with one woman.
The way you find your particular sweetheart is not by seeking a submissive woman. It’s by being an assertive alpha, and creating attraction that draws a woman to you. Actually walking around asking women if they are submissive is going to creep 99% of women out on the spot. You have to carefully frame it as that you “like to make things happen” or something like that. “I’m not interested in being a bully, but I like to take the lead”.
In the end, submission is not something you can take from a woman. It’s something they give you. So become the sort of man that entices them to give it.Another possible key is the way a girls parents interact and the way she in particular views that relationship.
And don’t forget that a submissive wife isn’t a doormat or bimbo. Well they can be I guess, just personally I’d tire of them very quickly. You should be hunting for a First Officer. Upon occassion you are really going to want her to be able to step up for you and your family.
For those those alert to the images of Mulan in this post… yes I put them there on purpose. Maybe worth another viewing from a dominance and submission viewpoint.
“Girl like that doesn’t show up every dynasty”
John says
Wow I didn't know they were that common. Thanks for answering Athol!
Athol Kay says
Welcome
Stephanie says
You make a key point here: "In the end, submission is not something you can take from a woman. It’s something they give you. So become the sort of man that entices them to give it." Well said!
mnl says
"The way you find your particular sweetheart is not by seeking a submissive woman. It’s by being an assertive alpha, and creating attraction that draws a woman to you."
So well put.
This is consistent with a philosophy I've got that one can't, as a man, wander around life searching for the "perfect woman". That pursuit is fruitless–on a couple of levels.
Not only does such a woman, were she to exist, fail to wear a tag on her head that announces her with such status. Evaluating a mate or LTR-worthy woman is not like reading the ingredient label on a grocery store item. But more deeply, such an attitude omits your role, as a man, from the process. It defines the perfect woman as someone "out there" and independent of what you, as a man, bring to the table. In reality, it's your manliness, your frame & game, your personality, your right balance of alpha vs. beta traits that BRINGS OUT the perfect woman from among any number of would-be candidates. Just as your display of proper dominance helps her to be free in expressing her submissiveness, so your alpha-ness actively helps CREATE the right woman overall. The perfect woman may be all around you, waiting for you, as THE MAN, to help develop her as such. You're a fundamental part of the process.
piterburg says
Well said MNL!
Candice says
I'd expect there also to be an element of self-screening. A lady that could match with your personality will no doubt be drawn to you, as long as you express your true self. Good luck in your search! C
Anonymous says
Also, you can be assertive and have a woman submit out of love WITHOUT dominating her, or never submitting yourself. And btw, the best husbands (Christians) have wives that submit to them, but are NOT out to dominate. Based on your gleeful exclamation of that, you almost deserve a dominator in turn.
Jennifer
Athol Kay says
Anon – many women, including Christian women, actively enjoy being dominated by the right man. Their sexual response is usually fairly obvious if they are into it.
Anonymous says
Yes, if they are. My general agreement with game is that men need to be dominators of their own lives; dominators of women is something different, though some define it rather loosely, as simply being the male center of her world and "ruling" her desire. You seem to have a good balance of give/take and what level works perfectly for you and Jennifer.
Anonymous says
You mentioned that a guy should look at the girl's parents to see how they interact. I wonder if this is true for guys as well? Say a guy has a submissive father and a dominant mother… is that going to be what he expects from his wife/marriage as well?
You may be able to guess; my MIL is the dominant one, and my FIL is passive/submissive to her. My husband and I are stuck in the "What do you want to do? I dunno, what do you want to do?" circle. I noticed when I try to get him to make a simple decision (such as what he wants for dinner), he gets angry with me and refuses to say anything. After several days of vacationing with his parents, I realized this may come from his mother always making the decisions and his dad just going along with it. I'm horribly frustrated because I just want him to make a fucking decision once in a while! He DOES know what he wants, he just refuses to say it.
Athol Kay says
Anon – I believe it's true for men too.
Anonymous says
Best book on Christian women submitting to their husbands just may be Debi Pearl's "Created To Be His Helpmeet". I suggest reading it.
Anonymous says
This has been said, but the key is related to this:
"In reality, it's your manliness, your frame & game, your personality, your right balance of alpha vs. beta traits that BRINGS OUT the perfect woman from among any number of would-be candidates."
It's less about "finding" a submissive woman (although there are plenty of boards that will tell you how to go look in Asia) and much more about *earning* the respect of a worthwhile woman.
Anonymous says
Hon, the next time he gives you a b.s. answer about dinner, just pour yourself a bowl of cereal. The kids too, if this is an issue.
–Jaz71
grey_whiskers says
Q. Where do you find a submissive woman?
A. Usually under an alpha male!
Alpha_GA says
First consider that we live in a digital realm. Your actions are not easily registered in gender form. I agree that Alpha male behavior attracts women, however I think most women are submissive in one form or another to a man they desire anyway. But how submissive and how do you attract them via the internet?
Me personally, I like a very supportive and highly submissive woman and I like that she admit this openly to me and fully understand the relationship between us without question. I do not like this to be unspoken or assumed because to me it important that my woman yield. For this reason in the past I have bluntly posted what I want clearly in a dating website and I never appear to make things seem optional, vague or to seem asking permission. I clearly state what I seek and openly use the word submissive to attract a woman who has full understanding of her own desires. I do not speak to the general public but rather speak directly to her as if she is my only audience. This approach is powerful and seems to draw a submissive woman our of her shell, however it also draws attention from the feminist crowd so beware. Consider very carefully exactly the type woman you seek. Envision yourself in her position to read your words, and then structure your words carefully to speak to her. Show strength and conviction in your words and let her feel that you are stable and do not waiver. Above all things, she MUST respect and trust you because submission is a gift. Do not abuse such a precious gift!