10 Tips: How To Avoid Being Betaized In Your Marriage Or LTR

Following on from the dreaded Betaization post… we covered Testosterone here, but what to do about the hormone oxytocin? It makes you love, trust, care and feel happy.
Actually oxytocin kinda rocks. The whole point of a LTR or marriage is to feel that sense of closeness, trust, love and happiness together. You aren’t meant to actually fight that off, it’s what makes being together so enjoyable.
Plus so much of having Beta Male Traits is in fact a big positive for a relationship. Betaization isn’t so much a shift from Alpha Male Traits to Beta Male Traits on a continuum, but a loss of the Alpha Male Traits while you just happen to gain in the Beta Department. It’s quite possible to have both sets of traits at the same time (Gamma Male), or fail to have both sets at the same time (Omega Male).
The solution to Betaization is to allow the Beta Traits to kick in, but ensure you don’t lose the Alpha ones. You can however unwittingly turn off attraction by being a little too sappy. Some things to watch for.
Don’t Cuddle Up To Her So Much – Don’t misunderstand, you can and should definitely cuddle and hold each other, but there’s a subtle dominance difference between her laying her head on your shoulder and snuggling in your arms, than you doing the same to her. There can be a slight “mother and son” vibe when you snuggle up into her. All you need to do is say “come here and cuddle” and bring her into you. Easy fix.
No Baby Talk – Baby talk is vitally important to use with babies. Don’t baby talk with her. If you’re going to do something with your voice with her, drop it an octave once in a while. Women tend to respond to deeper male voices better than higher pitched ones.
Don’t Knit – Seriously, just don’t take up knitting. You’ll look gender questionable if you do that. Plus you’ll just look like your still living with your Mom because she held you back at homeschooling if you wear knitted crap these days.
Crying Watching Chick Flicks – Look I know that scene in Sleepless in Seattle where they finally get together on the top of the Empire State Building and Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan (WTF happened to her face?!?) just look at each other and… one sec… no I’m not crying about that, I was thinking about Dale Earnheart in Turn 4 of Daytona blocking traffic for his boy. You heard me, just gets to me once in a while, I’ll be fine. (Men can of course cry, just make sure it’s over something that’s real and counts.)
Don’t Stop Doing Everything and Anything Involving Male Interests – Okay maybe you don’t need to watch as much sports et al as you have been, but you also shouldn’t turn 100% anyway from male interests that you enjoy just because you have a LTR or marriage happening. Maybe extreme motocross riding is pushing it a bit far unless that’s your day job, but no reason you can’t get the blood pressure up racing at the proper go-karts. “Honey It’s the Superbowl not Valentine’s Day… yes I am ignoring you.”
Do Use Nonsexual Touch – Continue to actively touch you wife in a nonsexual way. Anything works, the hand on the shoulder, holding hands, backrubs and so on. But do it for the enjoyment of touch rather than as a means towards a close for sex. Do it in passing. These are all ways of stimulating her own oxytocin reaction. You are much better off having her just as interested and bound to you as you are to her. Women rarely cheat on a partner to whom they feel a strong pair bond attachment. It’s touch and go, touch and go, not touch and stand around waiting for more touch or a chance at sex. Unless of course you’re really horny and you’re basically just hunting to wear her down… yeah conflicting advice there. Hmmm.
Ten Second Kiss The point of this is the same as nonsexual touch, except with the added benefit that you’ll be also slipping her a little dab of testosterone in your saliva which will increase her sexual interest.
Do Active Caring – Listening and emoting are all fine and good, but don’t fall into a pattern of trying to mimic feminine caring style. Be a little less of a Hallmark Card giver and more of the guy that fixes the sink or something. When your friend is in hospital having his whatisit looked at, visit him once and then leave and mow his lawn. Take a beer from his fridge and tell his wife to tell him that means you and him are even. That’s how Man Law works. One act of kindess, one beer. It’s even.
Get a Dog – If you’re not going to have kids and you’ve got all that sense of caring and love with no place to go, rather than displacing your baby craving attention onto her 24/7 and smothering her, get a good pet and you can more safely spend it on them. Having a dog is always a more guy thing than having something like a cat. Don’t get an exotic pet that can kill you like a snake either. Having a snake is creepy and it looks stupid when you walk them. Though admittedly you are pretty safe from getting mugged if you have a snake with you, so I’m not completely shutting the door on snakes.
Bump Back – It’s a good thing to be caring, to be sweet, and to be attentive… but if you catch a hint of disrespect, or being taken for granted, of disdain, of mocking laugher or frowning, you need to stop what you are doing for her and address it. You don’t need to yell, scream or hit or anything stupid like that, but you do need to make it clear that you are not going to be taken advantage of or continue being pleasant to her in the same manner. Importantly, marriageable guys are in short supply, you’re rarer than she is.
So there you go, 10 tips to avoid wandering into the land of the lame. You can very much care for and love your wife without turning into a sappy wimp.
Oh and when you sex her up, make sure you put your back into it.


  1. Anonymous says:

    My wife loves to cuddle, but I always make sure she cuddles under my arm, and I often tell her forcefully to move down so that her head is well below mine. Sometimes I lift her nightie a bit to make it more amusing for me.

    No equality in symbolism, ever.


  2. Athol Kay says:
  3. Anonymous says:

    "Marriageable guys are in short supply, you're rare than she is."

    Best sentence of the whole writeup to me. Men need to realize this plain truth and start respecting themselves. There are plenty of players out there but not many guys who are bona fide marriage material. Let the tramps chase the players, that's a road to nowhere.

    We have something substantive to offer, if we choose to offer it. And we should behave like the rare commodity that we are.

  4. Phoenixism says:

    I wonder if true loners (those by choice) are merely lacking in the ability to secrete or physiologically utilize normal amounts of oxytocin?

  5. Anonymous says:

    Yes, Athol, I read that piece on your model for dominance and submission, and I thought it was one of the better analogies.

    I have been writing a lot over at Alte's blog: "Butterfly Squash". I have learned a lot about women from her too.

    I posted something else here but it got lost. I have always been quite good on the symbolism aspects of maintaining dominance in a marriage but backing it up with conscious "game" has helped a lot lately.

    The ideal is to get to the point where you literally do not fear anything about her: her threats, her moods. I suspect all women give their husbands a hard time. Women really can be quite feral and you must "tame" them for a chance of happiness.

    I also said a few things at Playing the Devil's Advocate. I am more positive about women than him, having a fairly happy long term relationship. It is still fairly hard work though.


  6. Anonymous says:

    I suspect that husbands and wives have all sorts of little erotic things that they do, which they think they invented and nobody else does, but they are actually pretty standard. Sometimes these little fetishes leak out into the popular culture, even into advertisements, and one realises that one is not the only one with some particular little kink.

    BTW, on the testosterone thing below, doing well at work can make a man much more horny. I had some work success a few years ago and I was banging my wife (quickies) many mornings. Of course, one can't always create success. Although even in that case, my giving up drinking alcohol probably helped.


  7. Anonymous says:

    My last comment really related to that "panty check" thing that came up at "Playing the Devil's Advocate".

    At an absolute minimum, I would insist on the following traditional behaviours from a wife: takes your surname; seats you and serves you meals with you at the head of the table; irons your shirts; refers to you as her "husband" (not "partner" or some such nonsense).

    If you are not getting at least that, you don't have a wife, you have a sparring partner.


  8. Athol Kay says:

    @ Phoenixism – yes that is more than likely true. There is also research in the use of oxytocin for autism that shows promise in ability to empathize with others.

    @ David – thanks for the kind words. I do agree that a wife needs to take her husbands name. Sitting at the head of the table is also a good point. Who makes the dinner and irons the clothes are less important to me, I see those as basic life skills. I tend to prefer to wear my wife out in bed rather than in domestic chores lol. But then again, that's my decision on how we do things at my place.

  9. Anonymous says:

    I work my wife hard in bed and in the kitchen.

    Watching your wife ironing your shirts barefoot on a hot evening. There is nothing like it.


  10. Anonymous says:

    Cool list, Athol!

    Jennifer 6

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