Cool blog. Athol, you seem to subscribe to the Cinderella model of male/female relationships i.e. man and woman can live happily ever after.Studies abound that show that brain chemistry, while wildly active and effective at first, loses nearly all potency in approximately three years. Again, on a chemical level, lust turns to love, then to like then to roommates and often it goes downhill from there.~55% of married men cheat and ~%45 married women cheat. Their combined efforts implicate an ~80% chance of infidelity affecting marriage.99% of all mammals are not monogamous. Are you still clinging to the Christian ideal? Just curious…-Bill
Archives for April 2010
Had a set of questions in a comment on The Dark Side of Game. This turned into a long and quite personal post. I’m quite naturally good at marriage, but that’s not the same as perfect. Read on.
Following on from the dreaded Betaization post… we covered Testosterone here, but what to do about the hormone oxytocin? It makes you love, trust, care and feel happy.
Actually oxytocin kinda rocks. The whole point of a LTR or marriage is to feel that sense of closeness, trust, love and happiness together. You aren’t meant to actually fight that off, it’s what makes being together so enjoyable.
Plus so much of having Beta Male Traits is in fact a big positive for a relationship. Betaization isn’t so much a shift from Alpha Male Traits to Beta Male Traits on a continuum, but a loss of the Alpha Male Traits while you just happen to gain in the Beta Department. It’s quite possible to have both sets of traits at the same time (Gamma Male), or fail to have both sets at the same time (Omega Male).
The solution to Betaization is to allow the Beta Traits to kick in, but ensure you don’t lose the Alpha ones. You can however unwittingly turn off attraction by being a little too sappy. Some things to watch for.
Don’t Cuddle Up To Her So Much – Don’t misunderstand, you can and should definitely cuddle and hold each other, but there’s a subtle dominance difference between her laying her head on your shoulder and snuggling in your arms, than you doing the same to her. There can be a slight “mother and son” vibe when you snuggle up into her. All you need to do is say “come here and cuddle” and bring her into you. Easy fix.
No Baby Talk – Baby talk is vitally important to use with babies. Don’t baby talk with her. If you’re going to do something with your voice with her, drop it an octave once in a while. Women tend to respond to deeper male voices better than higher pitched ones.
Don’t Knit – Seriously, just don’t take up knitting. You’ll look gender questionable if you do that. Plus you’ll just look like your still living with your Mom because she held you back at homeschooling if you wear knitted crap these days.
Crying Watching Chick Flicks – Look I know that scene in Sleepless in Seattle where they finally get together on the top of the Empire State Building and Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan (WTF happened to her face?!?) just look at each other and… one sec… no I’m not crying about that, I was thinking about Dale Earnheart in Turn 4 of Daytona blocking traffic for his boy. You heard me, just gets to me once in a while, I’ll be fine. (Men can of course cry, just make sure it’s over something that’s real and counts.)
Don’t Stop Doing Everything and Anything Involving Male Interests – Okay maybe you don’t need to watch as much sports et al as you have been, but you also shouldn’t turn 100% anyway from male interests that you enjoy just because you have a LTR or marriage happening. Maybe extreme motocross riding is pushing it a bit far unless that’s your day job, but no reason you can’t get the blood pressure up racing at the proper go-karts. “Honey It’s the Superbowl not Valentine’s Day… yes I am ignoring you.”
Do Use Nonsexual Touch – Continue to actively touch you wife in a nonsexual way. Anything works, the hand on the shoulder, holding hands, backrubs and so on. But do it for the enjoyment of touch rather than as a means towards a close for sex. Do it in passing. These are all ways of stimulating her own oxytocin reaction. You are much better off having her just as interested and bound to you as you are to her. Women rarely cheat on a partner to whom they feel a strong pair bond attachment. It’s touch and go, touch and go, not touch and stand around waiting for more touch or a chance at sex. Unless of course you’re really horny and you’re basically just hunting to wear her down… yeah conflicting advice there. Hmmm.
Ten Second Kiss – The point of this is the same as nonsexual touch, except with the added benefit that you’ll be also slipping her a little dab of testosterone in your saliva which will increase her sexual interest.
Do Active Caring – Listening and emoting are all fine and good, but don’t fall into a pattern of trying to mimic feminine caring style. Be a little less of a Hallmark Card giver and more of the guy that fixes the sink or something. When your friend is in hospital having his whatisit looked at, visit him once and then leave and mow his lawn. Take a beer from his fridge and tell his wife to tell him that means you and him are even. That’s how Man Law works. One act of kindess, one beer. It’s even.
Get a Dog – If you’re not going to have kids and you’ve got all that sense of caring and love with no place to go, rather than displacing your baby craving attention onto her 24/7 and smothering her, get a good pet and you can more safely spend it on them. Having a dog is always a more guy thing than having something like a cat. Don’t get an exotic pet that can kill you like a snake either. Having a snake is creepy and it looks stupid when you walk them. Though admittedly you are pretty safe from getting mugged if you have a snake with you, so I’m not completely shutting the door on snakes.
Bump Back – It’s a good thing to be caring, to be sweet, and to be attentive… but if you catch a hint of disrespect, or being taken for granted, of disdain, of mocking laugher or frowning, you need to stop what you are doing for her and address it. You don’t need to yell, scream or hit or anything stupid like that, but you do need to make it clear that you are not going to be taken advantage of or continue being pleasant to her in the same manner. Importantly, marriageable guys are in short supply, you’re rarer than she is.
So there you go, 10 tips to avoid wandering into the land of the lame. You can very much care for and love your wife without turning into a sappy wimp.
Oh and when you sex her up, make sure you put your back into it.
Richard is lacking in Alpha… enjoy this classic New Zealand ad.
Part of the terrifying Betaization Syndrome is caused by a reduction in testosterone, so fairly logically a method of combating it is to take steps to increase your testosterone level. Here’s a few easy and simple methods to do that.
Eat Better – Having a balanced diet with fruits and vegetables has a positive affect on testosterone production. Plus the proteins in eggs and whey allow the adrenal glands to keep testosterone levels even.
Decrease Body Fat – Fat contains an enzyme that actually converts testosterone to estrogen. Obviously men do need some amount of estrogen, but getting obese is going to cause a shift in the balance of power from testosterone to estrogen. Perhaps you’d like a purse to go with your spare tire.
Eat Meat – Don’t go vegetarian, that’s really for chicks. Meat helps increase testosterone levels. Also nuts can increase it as well. Have some peanut butter. Though there is also evidence that going to a high-protein low carb diet will actually hurt testosterone production. Balanced diet, hear me? Balanced diet.
Lift Weights – You knew we were coming here, and here we are. Do exercise and lift weights. Don’t work yourself into complete exhaustion and over train, just keep up a steady level of exercise and your testosterone levels will increase, though weight training is particularly good for testosterone levels.
Limit Alcohol Intake – While your body is working over time to get the alcohol out of your system, it isn’t working to create testosterone. Overall this is a basic good health idea anyway. And again I’m just saying limit intake, you didn’t hear me say you had to join AA or the Salvation Army here. Three drinks basically shuts production off completely until the alcohol is cleared.
Sleep Better – Well duh. Everything goes better with sleep.
Get Sexually Turned On – Get hard my friends. Being turned on and physically erect leads to increases in overall testosterone levels. No reason why a little porn can’t be helpful. (I generally advise cumming inside your wife as much as possible though, it actually delivers testosterone to her that gets absorbed through the vaginal walls and makes her sex drive increase!)
Omega-3 Fatty Acids – Seriously try this. It’s costs like $6 for a three month supply from any supermarket. What do you have to lose?
Engage in Competition – do something competitive once in a while. You increase testosterone from this, especially if you win!
Dominate Someone – Just like winning a competitive game can increase your testosterone, taking a leadership position in social situations can increase testosterone levels. Give a playful spanking to your First Officer…
So there you go, have at it and don’t give up on the fact that it’s a process. As I’ve said before much of Alpha Male Traits stem from basic good physical health, so do not underestimate the benefits of feeling in your best physical shape.
Tomorrow I’ll see what can be done about Oxytocin…
Clicks on flashlight and points upwards into face…
Betaization – The Alpha lone wolf naturally studly male meets girl. Mr. Alpha likes girl, seduces girl. Alpha and girl move in together and have lots of hot sex together. Girl pouts. Marriage happens. Sex decreases and girl starts bossing the male around. Pretty soon he’s her bitch and for all intents and purposes may as well be locked into a CB3000 The transformation from Alpha to Beta Male is complete.
The full ghost story version then progresses to whatever mixture of terror the individual story teller most identifies with; cuckolding, divorce, child support, alimony or how discovering her shrieking in pleasure under her lover both devastated him and turned him on.
Scared? Well you both should and shouldn’t be. There is an element of ghost story in there, but also an element of truth as well. Accepting that that dynamic seems to generally happen to some degree, the real question is why it happens.
My feeling is that multiple factors are at work here, and that Betaization is a cluster of symptoms rather than one simple factor.
Testosterone Decrease – In married men testosterone decreases 20% compared to single men, and then decreases even further to 50% once a baby enters the picture. Testosterone is the dangerous edgy risk taking Alpha Male hormone. It actually makes a lot of sense for testosterone to decrease in married men. Much of young male risk taking behavior is an effort to actually attract a willing female partner. I mean lets be honest here, we’ve all done a few extremely dangerous and/or stupid things to attract female attention at some point in our life. (Those of you currently in arm slings don’t have to raise your hand.)
Having actually achieved a willing female partner the need to continue risking life and limb is no longer in our best interests. From a Time Before Writing point of view, there’s no point dying or getting seriously injured and not being able to pump your willing female full of semen. So we take it down a notch. When baby comes along we’re even further into the reproduction game and we can reduce risk taking further as the sexual strategy is paying off. Plus aggressive daddies are slightly dangerous to baby, and being a little safer with baby is generally good. (Even so, fathers play much rougher with kids than mothers do and that is probably both social and biologically based)
So a good deal of that aggressive, physical, Alpha based aspect to personality actually switches off to some degree because of the males own Body Agenda – not because of something the female is doing to the male.
Oxytocin Increase – Welcome to Pair Bonding 101. Touch and especially sexual touch and very extra especially orgasm results in oxytocin increases in your system. Oxytocin is the hormone that just gives you the cuddly-wuddlies. (Cuddly-Wuddlies is the technical term.)
Women have naturally higher levels of oxytocin hence their generally more nurturing outlook, plus it has a multitude of other effects on women include lactation and uterine contractions for childbirth and it’s closely related to the ability to have an orgasm (in both sexes). For men though it gives us the Cuddly-Wuddlies and huge spikes of it (orgasm!) makes us want to either “take a nap” or “flee the scene”. Seriously, it can do both. This explains 99% of male post-coital behavior. Isn’t science fun.
Oxytocin is a strange little drug. Most drugs require ever increasing doses to get the same initial effect. Oxytocin seems to become magically more sensitive the more you get of it. From
“Binghamton University psychology professor Diane Witt says that since the release of oxytocin can be classically conditioned, after repeatedly having sex with the same partner, just seeing that partner could release more oxytocin, making you want to be with that person all the more.”
So this is where the pair bond comes from. Incidentally, oxytocin is the reason physical touch escalation is so effective in PUA Gaming. Constant touching releases oxytocin in the person touched and enough of a oxytocin spike can result in… a testosterone surge kick starting the sex drive.
And again it has to be noted, the whole oxytocin thing is because of the male’s own Body Agenda – not because of something the female is doing to the male. These effects are what naturally happens when you repeatedly have sex with the same woman. There is on a biological level no such thing as casual sex.
The third factor in Betaization is pregnancy and child birth. Now imagine you actually have a new born and or a few other kids. That less risk taking Daddy is going to continue to provide for the young into the future much better than a dare devil crazy Daddy will. And all those Cuddly-Wuddlies are going to be just great for child raising and attention. It’s still typically a more physically playful interaction, but women just love seeing men playing with kids and get serious gina tingle from watching it.
Now toss some modern birth control into the picture… You’ve been with Miss Sweet Young Thing for a couple of years now and “you’re just not ready for kids”… except no one told your Body Agenda… and your testosterone has stepped down a little and you’ve got the Cuddly-Wuddlies…
… so you naturally Cuddly-Wuddly on her. She doesn’t hate it, but it doesn’t turn her on.
And that’s how you get Betaized by your own frakking body. The woman does very little to cause it, but she does change in how she reacts to you because you have changed. When you stop the more Alpha Traits and simply exchange them for Beta ones you net a loss of attraction in exchange for a gain in comfort. A heartless pure Alpha that has no ability to bond with the woman loses her because he can’t create comfort. Switching into a pure Beta Male role you lose her because you can’t create attraction. Remember you need BOTH Alpha and Beta skills in a LTR. Seriously read that linked post, it’s key.
Tomorrow – What to do about it.