Some Random Points Of Clarification

First random point.
Most of what I’m saying on the blog is really only advice aimed at moving a somewhat below average sexual relationship into a better one. I’m talking about how to turn a mundane sex life of 1-2 times a week into something more into the 3-6 times a week zone. From “ok” sex to “woo-hoo!” I’m also assuming there are no particular medical issues creating interruptions or killing desire. If everything stopped right after she had a total hysterectomy or something… I think I see the problem.
However if you currently are in a sexless marriage of less than 10 times a year, that’s really a totally different situation to deal with. Working out and getting physically fit and gaming your wife isn’t really going to be enough to throw the switch on whatever is wrong from the OFF setting to the ON setting. You really need to seek professional help at this point and I suggest a full medical work up and marriage counseling. There’s more than likely something clinically wrong happening here. The wrong thing to do though is to do nothing and hope things change for the better – they won’t without some sort of intervention. Though often getting the sexually dead to seek treatment is harder than getting a toddler into a car seat when they would rather stay at the park just as the ice cream truck arrives. Also there may be no real solution that works, which is a whole different dilemma. Suffer through? Cheat? Divorce? Everything is a hard option.
Second random point.
If you’re in the middle of an affair, or your wife is in the middle of an affair, that’s a whole other issue to deal with. I might get to that sort of thing next year, I do have a viewpoint but it’s just going to be a distraction from my main focus – getting below average marriage sex into good marriage sex. The most basic points to dealing with affairs are to blow the lid off the hidden nature of the affair and bring it to light plus for the partner in the affair to break of all contact with the other man/woman. After that there is a lot of talking to each other about everything plus a long road ahead to healing. Marriage counseling for affairs just seems like being a guest on Jerry Springer but for middle class people. So anyway… some couples can move forward from affairs, some just can’t.
Third random point.
I try to make the blog as generally positive as I can, which means I tend to not focus on the less fun stuff. There maybe a few people thinking I have a Pollyanna viewpoint on life and marriage. That I basically hit the jackpot with Jennifer and all my good advice basically results from dumb luck in winning the marriage lottery. That all is easy and sweet in the Kay family.
Well yes and no. Jennifer is indeed fabulous, but we have a normal life together. Don’t forget the three years of long distance relationship at the start that we only just made it through. I had immigration issues and was nearly deported over crappy advice from the INS. There are braces for the kids because apparently Jennifer is half French-Canadian and half Chipmunk. I saw her baby photos after I handed over the ring which was a sloppy move on my part. My youngest just refers to her braces as “the money” and smiles at me tauntingly, she knows what she is doing too. There is job stress. There are scheduling conflicts. There’s been one good but badly timed pregnancy, one lost baby and one horrible pregnancy. Two shitty mammograms but two benign results on biopsy, but one biopsy resulted in 2-3 years of pain for Jennifer. I get addicted to computer gaming way too easily. Money always seems tight. There’s always a lot going on. Right now is a very good time, last year we struggled. It’s a life, but a life together. Some times our team wins, sometimes our team loses, but we win and lose as a team.
Neither one of us is perfect but we’re perfect for each other. It’s like that line from Rocky, “I got gaps, she got gaps, together we don’t got gaps”.
Listen – there are tens of thousands of blogs out there that are nothing more than people bitching about their day. Or post after post of “I read something somewhere else and it made me angry / sad / annoyed / can you believe this shit?” I’m just not interested in writing like that, I’d rather stay on focus and offer something approaching a helpful viewpoint. Just please take it at face value when I say I’m a normal guy and we have a pretty normal life together. We really do have a great sex life though. I just figure you guys don’t want to know about the cat we have that can throw up three times it’s own body weight over the course of a week. I mean can a cat be allergic to cat food or something? I mean seriously WTF.
Fourth random thought.
I’ve been off work all this week (kids are off school) and I had planned to really pull the book layout / plan together this week but I’ve been also somewhat sick with a sinus/allergy/chest cold thing and lazy, plus the nature of my work is that in never really stops and I’ve had calls every day this week and a couple of things happening in my absence that I’ve had to be contacted on. Suffice to say, I played http://www.leagueoflegends.com/ the whole time. Plus the first pile of my 19 books on sexuality I ordered with my birthday money arrived today, so I might have started reading just a little.
So anyway, some of you guys have read the whole blog, what am I missing that should be covered? And thank you to loyal readers, very much appreciated. Feel free to comment or email me at athol.kay@gmail.com if you’re terrified that someone you know might read your comment.

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Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    Weight. How do you get your wife to go back to the weight where she looks hot if she's systematically 3-4 kilos over (which is quite a lot for a petite woman)?

  2. Anonymous says:

    "So anyway, some of you guys have read the whole blog"

    I am one of them. You rock.

    "what am I missing that should be covered?"

    How and when to teach game to your own children? I know you have two daughters, so this may not be your forte. But for those of us married man out there, using your game advice to improve our marriage, and who happen to have spawned boys, this is a key question.

    Is the right age 13, when their hormones start to rage, and they have some brain space available for caring about how girls function?

    Should we start by giving them "Game" by Neil Strauss or "The Mystery Method"? That may be a little bit too hardcore… I don't know?

  3. Michael says:

    "what am I missing that should be covered?"

    More, much more HOW-TO.

    There's been lots of philosophy about the part-beta-part-alpha. Ok, got it, I need to be both, check. But /how/ do I do that?

    Some of us college-educated types can be pretty dense; can you reduce it to something resembling babytalk language? :-)

  4. Athol Kay says:

    The thought of 13 years armed with The Mystery Method is alarming lol. I think both girls and boys can benefit from general awareness of both boy and girl game both as a defense and an offense.

    You get your wife to lose weight by you going on a diet and exercise kick and asking for her help in your progress. If she's just 3-4kg (6-9lbs) over weight you don't make too much of a fuss about it, just pay more attention to what you're both eating for dinner and become more active. Go grocery shopping together.

    @ Michael – yes the How To stuff is important. I'll try to focus more on that stuff. The framework is vital though.

  5. Dick says:

    I really appreciate the positivity and humor in your blog entries, it is a position I try to take myself in both my adult and family oriented blogs. Ranting blogs fail to keep my attention or interest, MMSL has much more to offer.

    We hear your perspective very clearly, and your approach appears to work very well for you. What I'd like to read are some perspectives from the other side. I'd like to hear from a very specific guest blogger… Jennifer.

  6. Athol Kay says:

    Hi Dick – Jen is shy. What are your questions for her?

  7. Dick says:

    I don't have any specific questions for Jen, but a point counterpoint exchange could be a riot.

    You are very specific and confident in your calculated approach to improving your married sex life… how does Jen feel about being on the receiving end of your measured strategies?

    Or perhaps she'd share a story about one of your attempts to game her that only served to make her laugh!

    You see where I'm going with this? I think it could serve to underscore the effectiveness of your philosophies to hear the other side. And maybe we'd get a few chuckles in the process.

  8. mnl says:

    @Athol…
    However if you currently are in a sexless marriage of less than 10 times a year, that’s really a totally different situation to deal with. Working out and getting physically fit and gaming your wife isn’t really going to be enough to throw the switch on whatever is wrong from the OFF setting to the ON setting.

    Good random points. Two comments in return on this particular one: First, learning LTR game, while possibly not the entire solution to a heroically dysfunctional relationship can… A) help you tremendously during or after you move the relationship along coupled with other tools, and B) improve your market value following a break-up should the dysfunction prove unsolvable (which, when your wife sees your improved hand, in turn assists point A again). LTR game (including getting in shape, etc.) is, therefore, a complete no-brainer. Sort of like Pascal's Wager, you're better off learning and practicing LTR game regardless of the likely outcome of the dysfunction.

    @Anonymous…
    How and when to teach game to your own children? I know you have two daughters, so this may not be your forte. But for those of us married man out there, using your game advice to improve our marriage, and who happen to have spawned boys, this is a key question.

    What a great topic idea. I'm reminded of the time I taught my son and a few friends some simple openers to use at one of their first high school dances. They loved it! It put them at ease and took the edge off the whole event. Mind you, I'm not talking about creepy stuff or trying to escalate to C3 with their 15-year old classmates! (Hey, I've got daughters too!) Rather, just enough to make the whole event fun, to keep things in perspective, to make it more fun than the stressful event that it often is for some boys.

  9. LuvmyWife says:

    I'd like to see a post going more into DHV, especially contrasting DHV in marriage game with DHV in PUA game. The PUA approach to DHV seems to emphasize the "display" part of DHV. In marriage there has to be a much greater emphasis on truely acheiving higher value as its harder to fake out your spouse than it is a girl in a club. But from some of your other posts it seems like you're not opposed to some playful display either.

    Everyone knows and understand DHV even if they've never heard the acronym. Think of how many times we make fools of ourselves trying to impress others. Many guys do damage to their sex rank as soon as they open their mouths with unsuccessful attempts at DHV. So another interesting contrast would be "Successful DHV vs. Being a douchebag who puts people off"

  10. Anonymous says:

    While your advice may not be enough to completely help a sexless marriage when there are deeper issues involved, don't sell yourself short. I don't think it was a coincidence that once I began trying techniques that you talk about here, my wife was finally motivated to address her medical issues that were holding her back.

  11. Meg at Demanding Joy says:

    I really appreciate that you write about marriage not only from a man's perspective but also in a positive light. There are so many tiresome 'men are pigs/women are bitches/marriage is a life sentence' blogs out there. Yours is really well-done.

    Also, thanks a lot for the link. I've added you to my site as well.

  12. Athol Kay says:

    @ MNL – yes I've covered the way learning LTR game helps whether or not the wife responds to it or not. Basically she either does and you both travel through life happier together, or she doesn't and a marriage that was loveless or otherwise doomed fails anyway and the man moves on better ready for the aftermath and dating. It's kinda pragmatic, but there we go.

    @ Anon whose wife is now seeking help – thank you so much for that. I'm so happy to hear that I'm helping with what I'm doing here.

    @ LuvMyWife – I think that is the primary difference between PUA Game and LTR Game. PUA is basically a "talk", LTR is a "walk".

  13. Anonymous says:

    You wrote: "I’m also assuming there are no particular medical issues creating interruptions or killing desire. If everything stopped right after she had a total hysterectomy or something… I think I see the problem."
    - Well, what about those of us whose wives did have to have a total hysterectomy? Any ideas for us?? The doctors are no help. When my wife complained to her gynecologist that did her hysterectomy that she had no sex feelings at all he just shrugged and said, 'that happens sometimes'. Any advice???

  14. Athol Kay says:

    Anon 7:01 – hormone replacement therapy may be effective. A hysterectomy essentially removes a part of her sexual anatomy, so loss of sexual function is quite possible.

    Talk to her primary doctor first looking for a possible endocrine follow up.

    Also start researching online yourselves.

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