Most of what I’m saying on the blog is really only advice aimed at moving a somewhat below average sexual relationship into a better one. I’m talking about how to turn a mundane sex life of 1-2 times a week into something more into the 3-6 times a week zone. From “ok” sex to “woo-hoo!” I’m also assuming there are no particular medical issues creating interruptions or killing desire. If everything stopped right after she had a total hysterectomy or something… I think I see the problem.
However if you currently are in a sexless marriage of less than 10 times a year, that’s really a totally different situation to deal with. Working out and getting physically fit and gaming your wife isn’t really going to be enough to throw the switch on whatever is wrong from the OFF setting to the ON setting. You really need to seek professional help at this point and I suggest a full medical work up and marriage counseling. There’s more than likely something clinically wrong happening here. The wrong thing to do though is to do nothing and hope things change for the better – they won’t without some sort of intervention. Though often getting the sexually dead to seek treatment is harder than getting a toddler into a car seat when they would rather stay at the park just as the ice cream truck arrives. Also there may be no real solution that works, which is a whole different dilemma. Suffer through? Cheat? Divorce? Everything is a hard option.
Second random point.
If you’re in the middle of an affair, or your wife is in the middle of an affair, that’s a whole other issue to deal with. I might get to that sort of thing next year, I do have a viewpoint but it’s just going to be a distraction from my main focus – getting below average marriage sex into good marriage sex. The most basic points to dealing with affairs are to blow the lid off the hidden nature of the affair and bring it to light plus for the partner in the affair to break of all contact with the other man/woman. After that there is a lot of talking to each other about everything plus a long road ahead to healing. Marriage counseling for affairs just seems like being a guest on Jerry Springer but for middle class people. So anyway… some couples can move forward from affairs, some just can’t.
Third random point.
I try to make the blog as generally positive as I can, which means I tend to not focus on the less fun stuff. There maybe a few people thinking I have a Pollyanna viewpoint on life and marriage. That I basically hit the jackpot with Jennifer and all my good advice basically results from dumb luck in winning the marriage lottery. That all is easy and sweet in the Kay family.
Well yes and no. Jennifer is indeed fabulous, but we have a normal life together. Don’t forget the three years of long distance relationship at the start that we only just made it through. I had immigration issues and was nearly deported over crappy advice from the INS. There are braces for the kids because apparently Jennifer is half French-Canadian and half Chipmunk. I saw her baby photos after I handed over the ring which was a sloppy move on my part. My youngest just refers to her braces as “the money” and smiles at me tauntingly, she knows what she is doing too. There is job stress. There are scheduling conflicts. There’s been one good but badly timed pregnancy, one lost baby and one horrible pregnancy. Two shitty mammograms but two benign results on biopsy, but one biopsy resulted in 2-3 years of pain for Jennifer. I get addicted to computer gaming way too easily. Money always seems tight. There’s always a lot going on. Right now is a very good time, last year we struggled. It’s a life, but a life together. Some times our team wins, sometimes our team loses, but we win and lose as a team.
Neither one of us is perfect but we’re perfect for each other. It’s like that line from Rocky, “I got gaps, she got gaps, together we don’t got gaps”.
Listen – there are tens of thousands of blogs out there that are nothing more than people bitching about their day. Or post after post of “I read something somewhere else and it made me angry / sad / annoyed / can you believe this shit?” I’m just not interested in writing like that, I’d rather stay on focus and offer something approaching a helpful viewpoint. Just please take it at face value when I say I’m a normal guy and we have a pretty normal life together. We really do have a great sex life though. I just figure you guys don’t want to know about the cat we have that can throw up three times it’s own body weight over the course of a week. I mean can a cat be allergic to cat food or something? I mean seriously WTF.
Fourth random thought.
I’ve been off work all this week (kids are off school) and I had planned to really pull the book layout / plan together this week but I’ve been also somewhat sick with a sinus/allergy/chest cold thing and lazy, plus the nature of my work is that in never really stops and I’ve had calls every day this week and a couple of things happening in my absence that I’ve had to be contacted on. Suffice to say, I played http://www.leagueoflegends.com/ the whole time. Plus the first pile of my 19 books on sexuality I ordered with my birthday money arrived today, so I might have started reading just a little.
So anyway, some of you guys have read the whole blog, what am I missing that should be covered? And thank you to loyal readers, very much appreciated. Feel free to comment or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you’re terrified that someone you know might read your comment.