Vasectomy Causing Loss Of Wife’s Sexual Interest?

Reader Question;

“Does a vasectomy null the effects of the semen?”

This is a very interesting question that I have been trying to find the answers to for some time. Vasectomy could easily be a book length topic in and of itself. Based on my overall approach to Body Agenda I would think that there should be a way for the woman’s body to go “hmmm there’s no sperm in this semen”, and then react negatively to the man that is giving her sperm-free semen. If women can judge a mans genetic compatibility by sense of smell, you’d think sorting out vaginally his fertility would be a snap. But most of the literature states that women are all happy and excited about the vasectomy and sex improves afterwards… which would be an argument against my general theory. Though these are sales pieces often, so…. hmmm.

However I do strongly suspect vasectomy leads to divorce for some amount of men as the wife finds herself unconsciously unhappy with her husband after the vasectomy. Or he becomes unhappy with himself as a psychological cause. Most of the vasectomy reversals happen after a divorce it seems, so there is some indication that there is a link there.

Also with vasectomy there are serious immunology concerns, plus post vasectomy pain hits about 20-30% of patients. That pain can be quite permanent. That’s ball pain. Ball Pain. As in pain in your balls. Some small number of men are basically ruined by bad procedures on even more than just a sexual level as well. Though any and all surgeries can result in life threatening outcomes due to infection so it’s hard to say no to a vasectomy on simply that account. Ball pain. Owie owie.

My basic concern about vasectomy is that is that the testicles keep producing sperm and they have nowhere to go once the vasectomy is done. “It’s all just absorbed into the body” seems such a weak explanation for the long term effects. It’s basically akin to tying a knot in a fire hose and not turning the water off… you really wouldn’t expect that to play out well over the long term.

I’m still delving into this, I can’t find any hard numbers or data that even asks this question, but I definitely stand by the idea that crappy sperm and semen results in decreased sexual interest by the wife. Basic good male health is always going to get you more in the bedroom. If you have experiences (good or bad) with vasectomy, please comment.  You can also post at http://www.vasectomypainstories.org/

My other concern is less medical and more relational.  I know about freezing sperm and all that, but upon occasion a wife just goes nutty about having another baby. (Go go Body Agenda!)  They can do this even after deciding and stating that you having a vasectomy is the greatest idea in the world because they are 100% completely done with having kids. If they change their mind, I’d rather not be the guy shooting blanks…

…I’m just sayin’.

Comments

  1. Keoni Galt says:

    My basic concern about vasectomy is that is that the testicles keep producing sperm and they have nowhere to go once the vasectomy is done.Don't worry Athol, a man with a vasectomy just has to smoke some pot… :-)

  2. Athol Kay says:

    Well that would help with the pain I guess.

    Even so, I suspect we will hear from a few men displeased with the effects of the operation.

  3. Another reason why Marriage 2.0, that is marriage in America today, is indentured servitude for a man.

    Reason being, behind all these feverish desires of you to ultimately please your wife despite what she's told you, is the relative power she ultimately hold over you should she pull the plug.

    The divorce 2.0 plug. In America.

    You wise guru, didn't get a prenup that mimics living together upon divorce, did you?

    Don't get married until marriage 2.0 becomes a much more male friendly marriage 3.0.

  4. I would think that there should be a way for the woman's body to go "hmmm there's no sperm in this semen", and then react negatively to the man

    While this ought to make sense, I can't help but think about the reverse situation and of women on the pill or who've had their tubes tied. Does a man's body go "hmmmm… there's no egg swimming towards me (or no hormones indicating so)" and react negatively (once he's already had enough children with her)? Perhaps so. Maybe there's indeed something reptilian or autonomic about it all. However, it seems that men are more immediately motivated by the friction, the conquest, the relationship karma, or other bennys of sex. The idea that she's not presently fertile doesn't factor in negatively. (Though no doubt these benefits of sex developed in the first place as a reward for its procreative possibilities). Do women (not) react similarly to a man with a vasectomy?

    Instead, and rather than something immediately physical, I think there can definitely be a shift in the power dynamic once a man gets a vasectomy. And THIS is the route through which attraction can wane. I suspect that, for some women, it's psychologically empowering to know her man can't impregnate another woman. Granted, he could still play around. But even if he did, she and her offspring are still much more safe from the risk of having to share that man's resources in a pregnancy with another woman. …And once she's feeling a little too safe and secure in the wrong way, unless those feelings are countered, it could develop into an attraction turn-off. For some women, "safe and secure" (in the wrong way) is located right next to the word "boring" in the relationship dictionary. The vasectomy as a trigger to betaization.

    I myself nearly succumbed to the chorus and got a vasectomy. "Get one and the sex is awesome", said one buddy. "She's not at risk of getting pregnant and will be much more spontaneous," was the party line. But my spider sense kicked-in at the last minute and I bailed on the urologist appointment. Even before the word "LTR game" entered my vocabulary, I sensed there were better, more sure-fire ways to an improved sex life that didn't involve clipping one's sperm pipes. The promise of greater, long-term sex from one's wife entirely as a result of a vasectomy was quite likely an illusion.

  5. Athol, you've quickly become one of my favorite blogs (I read Roissy for entertainment, but I'm way too old and married to pull off any of that stuff), and with this post you've identified one of the questions I wanted to ask. I got snipped a few years ago and I don't *think* that it affected us adversely, but sometimes in darker moments I wonder. mnl's final paragraph immediately above me is on the money–shooting blanks certainly hasn't turned my wife into a raging sexpot.

    If you're really brave and up for a challenge, do you mind delving into menopause? It's looming in my future.

  6. Anonymous says:

    I got snipped about 7 years ago, and at least in my case, the promise of a much greater sex life was an illusion. But maybe we're missing the point. I already have 2 kids, and at the rate we were going I would have at least 5 more kids by now without some form of birth control. Having more kids definitely would not improve my sex life!

    At the time, my wife and I reviewed all the birth control options (other than condoms), and it seemed like in each case the options for her were more invasive and prone to bad side effects than the vasectomy would be for me (I haven't has any.) My wife had previously been on the pill, with some troubles. I wonder if there's a way to position getting snipped as a part of beta male game. And like Athol says, a little beta is needed in an LTR.

    As far as MNL's comment about changing the power dynamic, I think it's at least as arguable that this could be a favorable shift, since there are plenty of women who want sex without being knocked up, and they would view the snipped male as more attractive, etc.

    Of course, there's nothing I can do about it now . . . reversal is a much more complicated procedure.

  7. LovemyWife says:

    Athol, as I've commented before I love the blog. This post, however, hits on something that's been nagging me more and more as I read your posts on semen and its relationship to body agenda. The question I don't want to ask but can't escape is this: would not any form of birth control cause the woman's body agenda to lose interest in sex?

    I have a coworker in his late fifties who laments but has long accepted the relative scarcity of sex in his marriage. His theory is that once a woman has decided she does not want more children that its pretty much the end of her interest in sex. I don't believe this theory but it does scare the hell out of me. Especially because my wife has decided, and I agree, that she does not want more children, two is enough. I think what scares me is that the theory does seem to fit with what you've written about body agenda. What's your take?

    I'm just trying to put it all together and get the big picture. From another of your posts you say "Blocking the flow of semen into the woman by the use of condoms during sex is particularly bad." Another post of yours on ovulation and accompanying addendum implies that you were targeting couples where the woman is not on a birth control pill. And now in this post you are theorizing that a vasectomy is bad news. At the risk of getting too personal what birth control method do you and Jennifer use? (feel free to tell to mind my own business here) Is there a family planning method that does not conflict with a woman's body agenda? There seems to be an inherent conflict between not wanting more children and our body agenda. Am I reading to much into the whole thing?

  8. Anonymous says:

    I had it done about 15 years ago (been married for 27 years). To say I was hesitant would be an understatement. I didn't have any complications and don't think it changed our sex life one way or the other. She was obviously relieved to not have to take the pill anymore. I'm not sure I'd do it again, only because if I was in the market as a younger person now, I'm not sure I would get married at all due to the laws and all.
    I agree with the poster above re: Roissy et. al. The alpha/beta mix you discuss is the right path for most. Great blog!

  9. To those who are already snipped or who did so purely motivated by birth control and without the illusion it would overhaul your sex life… I don't think that getting a vasectomy need PERMANENTLY shift the power dynamic, nor shift it for EVERY man. (I re-read what I wrote and got the sense it might communicate hopelessness). Rather, I think it just means you need to be a tad more on your toes game-wise in your LTR. And simply being aware of the vasectomy's potential for impact is half the battle.

    @Jake… great suggestion: a topic on menopause. I would jump into that discussion fray as my wife has recently gone through early menopause herself. (I've been married a little over 20 years). As it relates to the present discussion… similar to the vasectomy's impact on male-female dynamics, IMO, menopause can subtly shift the power dynamic again as well.

  10. Anonymous says:

    My husband's vasectomy had a transient, ( 1-2 week) positive effect on my libido, but no long term effect. I did, however, very much appreciate his actions.

  11. I could spend a long time talking about my vasectomies, but I feel mostly satisfied with my operations. Because I had to do it twice I had extra scar tissue that has caused some ball pain. It took me a while to figure out the solution was lots of ejaculations. If I take care to ejaculate every two or three days (with a partner or without) the scar tissue doesn't have a chance to build up. If I wait a week between ejaculations, they can be rather painful (although it isn't the ejaculation as much as the build up to one).

    The vasectomy didn't have a positive or negative effect on our sex life, but when we found out the first vasectomy was ineffective that completely killed the mood for a while. A big part of the vasectomy was to avoid any additional miscarriages. The surprise pregnancy ended in another miscarriage (our third) which certainly killed the romance for a few months.

    I also think the vasectomy question has something to do with age. A guy under thirty has no business getting a vasectomy. Once a man's wife reaches forty, it isn't such a bad idea. Having kids after the age forty is not for the faint of heart. That means you're fighting teenagers at age 60 and paying for college when you should be retiring.

  12. Anonymous says:

    I'm just over 50, married nearly 25 years and had a vasectomy about 7 years ago. The operation went very well and I have not noticed any physical side effects.

    'It's basically akin to tying a knot in a fire hose and not turning the water off… you really wouldn't expect that to play out well over the long term.'

    I am not sure if this is the norm but my case the knot was tied and cauterised on the other side of the cut. If you think of a slow running garden hose that is cut, my knot was tied on the nozzle side. The sperm is free to run out but no chance of it getting to the other side of the hose and out the nozzle. Hence no pressure build up.

    As far as sex is concerned, that is more complicated. There was an immediate improvement because my wife went off the pill years before and we were using condoms. I hate condoms. However the improvement was in the context of a gradual decline in satisfaction with my marriage. Frequency of sex had never really been an issue with me but my wife's lack of desire to try anything new led to growing dissatisfaction and boredom on my part at least. My wife always said she was interested in some things but when it came to actually doing them it was never the right time. I sort of resigned myself to this but it was also coupled with a gradual increase in ridiculous arguments and nagging from my wife. This reached a real low point about 6 months ago where I was seriously considering seeking sex outside our marriage and damn the consequences. A fairly typical marriage!

    However I am happy to report that I somehow discovered 'Relationship Game' – probably through Roissy, Hawaiian Libertarian, the Spearhead and of course yourself. I had fortuitously also lost around 10 pounds the same time. Despite my initial feeble attempts, the turn around has been quite remarkable and we are now doing stuff I never in my wildest dreams thought would ever happen. If the truth be known, I am still a bit in awe of the change – and there is a lot more to come. My wife has basically said that she is now game for anything :-)

    In short, I think it is plausible that having a vasectomy could have a negative effect, however I think this would be totally overwhelmed by the dynamics of the relationship.

    Thanks for your blog – it has helped me immensely!

  13. haleyshalo says:

    Anonymous, I love hearing success stories about marriages that flourished after getting good advice from people like Athol and Roissy. A saved, rejuvenated marriage is good for everyone. :)

  14. toddthewetsprocket says:

    I was one of those small percentages that suffers horribly, and I can attest that it does in fact ruin your life. If you had a vasectomy with no ill effects, just count yourself lucky, and move on. I would give everything I own, every cent, to go back in time and NOT do a vasectomy.

  15. Athol Kay says:
  16. Anonymous says:

    I've long wondered the same thing – but not in the sense that her body could ultimately sense the sterile semen. My intuition is that the knowledge (in her frontal lobe) of your sterility could creep into or influence her hindbrain and cause her attraction to switch off (i.e., her hindbrain would see you as substantially less alpha).

    As to why men don't suffer this same loss of attraction when women are on the pill? Men will eff anything that moves.

  17. Athol Kay says:

    Men will have sex with a warm bagel.

    I think that the question of "will you neuter yourself for me" pretty much sums it up on a psychology level. Possibly it's just a shit test.

  18. After carrying the full burden of birth control for over a decade, then infertility treatments, carrying and birthing two kids, I was *done*. I hated the pill, was tired of the diaphragm and was not going to volunteer for any more invasive procedures. I was open to another child, he was not. So I said without any rancor, "If you don't want more children, then it's your responsibility to prevent them now." We used condoms twice before he booked the appointment.

  19. Anonymous says:

    After mine I found a tremendous increase in sex drive. I don't think it was entirely due to being able to raw dog; I think it also had to do with the overall chemistry occurring with the sperm staying in the body. Like the body wanted to do it more to make sure some got out. Disclaimer: I had a bit of ball pain with mine, but it only lasted a year or two. Disclaimer #2: I'm now divorced. I think the reversal after divorce is for obvious reasons: you want a child with the new partner. I'm too old for that (can't stand younger women – they don't get my jokes).

  20. Athol Kay says:

    Male increase in sex drive after vasectomy is unusual. It's the divorce thing that interests me. Does vasectomy increase divorce chances?

  21. Anonymous says:

    I'm repulsed by my husbands vasectomy and not for fertility reasons he feels like less of a man to me incomplete etc

  22. Athol Kay says:

    Thanks for the feedback Anon.

  23. Anonymous says:

    I'm looking at vasecomy now. You have to use some form of birth control after you've had a few kids. Nothing kills the mood like 10 kids. Every method is going to have a downside. I'm not too worried about the vaginal chemistry set picking up on the lack of swimmers but the thought of permanent ball pain has kept me from making the appointment so far.

  24. Anonymous says:

    My love button has been turned off since my husband's vasectomy. Sex just isn't what it used to be. I loved the way he would squirt all over me and now it just drops off the end. It's like going to watch fireworks and awaiting the grand finale…but you get one of those little streamer kinds. It is disappointing. He no longer smells like he did either. He would walk by and I could get so turned on by his scent and now, it seems like it's gone. I can't even smell it on his clothes like I did when doing laundry. I used to get turned on doing his laundry! Since his vasectomy, things have gone downhill sexually and just between us. I vividly remember him coming through the door after his vasectomy procedure and he seemed different to me. In fact, I almost instantly started looking at and lusting for other men. How do you explain that?
    You bet it's biology. Now I'm disconnected and looking for answers. We have 3 kids and certainly don't want more. Vasectomy is just so sad in the end. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Don't do it. You will get more sex before the procedure!!!I'm loyal and I want to stay together but I also don't want to stay in a relationship with sex that doesn't turn me on.I can see why this could lead to divorce. I just want the man I couldn't get enough of back.Vasectomy took him away. We're together and all…It's just different now.Hard to explain but living it.

  25. Athol Kay says:

    Thank you Anon, thanks a heartbreaking story and very much along the lines I was thinking of. Perhaps you guys should really think of a reversal.

    It's cheaper than a divorce.

  26. Anonymous says:

    You're so right! I wonder though if that would restore everything back to normal.And then, what about birth control? Actually, anything has got to be better than what we're living. I don't know that he would do it either.Then again, he also knows that things are different now. Depends on his wants.It's his body after all. Our relationship is the sacrifice.

  27. Athol Kay says:

    I think you should float the idea to him Anon. The whole tiny dribble of semen is a serious issue for the relationship.

  28. Anonymous says:

    My husband had a vasectomy over 30 years ago. I don't think it affected either one of us sexually. However, he has been on medications for blood pressure since he was in his thirties and that seems to have taken its toll. He developed ED and his libido started to crash in his 50s and now he has no interest in sex at all. It's frustrating and heart-breaking for me but doesn't bother him. He just finds it strange since he had such a strong sex drive until then. He says it has nothing to do with me. He feels no attraction to any women anymore. I wish something could be done, for my sake.
    We had a good time for at least 15 years after the vasectomy, so I doubt that it had anything to do with the problems later.

  29. Athol Kay says:

    Has he been on anti-depressants?

    I'd get his testosterone levels drawn as well.

  30. Anonymous says:

    No, he hasn't been on anti-depressants. I will try to find out more about testosterone and see if I can get him to get his levels checked.

    The lack of sex drive doesn't bother him at all so he's not very motivated to do anything about it.

  31. Athol Kay says:

    Well you need to make how you feel more clear to him then don't you…

    http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/2010/04/natural-consequences-of-sexless.html

    …kinda spells out the situation.

    And of course the blood pressure medication itself can cause the ED, so that needs to be looked into as well. Though you knew that already.

    Basically… "are you going to the doctor or am I dating?"

  32. Anonymous says:

    My Ex boyfriend got a vasectomy in the beginning of our relationship by his own choice before we decided to get serious. After it was done, he had lots of pain, and ultimately an infection in one of the tubes, that he had to take antibiotics for. After that, I completely lost interest in him sexually, consciencely knowing he didn't produce any sperm. Forget marriage to a man I couldn't have a family with either, hence him now being my EX boyfriend. I think it ruined it for me because in my mind, if he wasn't fertle, he wasn't worth it. I know it sounds terrible, But that's honestly how I felt.

  33. Athol Kay says:

    Thanks Anon – it doesn't sound terrible just realistic. Thanks for the input, much apreciated.

  34. Anonymous says:

    Married my husband a year ago. He just turned 35. I'm 31 with one child from a previous relationship. He had 3 with his ex wife. I'm really bitter and I just recently realized it. I don't really LOOK at his children. I wondered what my problem was. Now I know. I can't make a baby with my husband whom I love very much, but he has 3. I eant another baby. We've decided to do a reversal. I'm afraid if it doesn't work, I'll be extremely unhappy and resentful. Can I live with that? I love this man and he's wonderful. Is it worth sacrificing? What happens if he cannot give me a baby?

  35. Athol Kay says:

    It's a very common desire for a couple to want to have a baby after a remarriage. I can't tell you what you can or cannot tolerate, those choices are yours. Desire for a baby is just an influence on your behavior, not a destiny.

    Peace may also be found in acceptance of your husbands prior children. Though I don't mean that to sound easy to do.

  36. Like any other surgical procedure, practice is key to proficiency.

    If you're going to get a vasectomy, make certain to find a urologist who does a lot of them. If he can't tell you his success rate (no sperm and no problems) find somebody else.

  37. Athol Kay says:

    BobW – yes very much agree on that. I'm generally against vasectomy, but if you do it, go with a total pro.

  38. I had a vasectomy after our second child. Two years later I had a testicular cyst which basically made it irreversible (plumbing is removed).

    The two major advantages:
    - my wife is no longer on birth control.
    - I feel sexually uninhibited. No thought about condoms or more kids.

    Did it change our sex life? I'm not sure. It happened while she was recovering from her pregnancy so I can't really gauge her change in interest.

    But it didn't change my ability to perform or my interest in adult activities.

  39. Don't EVER even think about this procedure.You don't know the future. What if a few years later you and your partner split, you meet another woman and you both want a child? Vasectomy reversal is NOT gauranteed. Don't do it. I did it to please my ex-wife and now it is the biggest regret of my life. I'm saving for a reversal but it's more expense and more surgery with no certainty of success. DO.NOT.DO.IT

  40. Anonymous says:

    Had a vasectomy 2 weeks ago. Orgasms not nearly as strong and wife is showing signs of disinterest. Ejaculation is about 1/4 what it used to be. Balls hang way lower than they ever did. Worst part is hearing the excuses of why she doesn't want to have sex. Things like.. "did you hear something" and "I'm Soo tired". Was never like this until immediately after the procedure. I am getting really depressed and scared about all of it.

  41. Athol Kay says:

    Seek medical attention asap.

  42. CDing Mama says:

    I’m a mom of 5. My husband is supposed to get snipped on May 7th, but just the thought of him doing it causes me to lose any sort of desire to do anything sexual. I wanted one more, he doesn’t want anymore, so we are at odds there. He has decided he wants to do this and go through it (I can’t do birth controls, they do very bad things to me physically). I can already feel this is going to be a problem. As soon as I think about a vasectomy I just lose total interest and feel so sick to my stomach. I have been searching the internet to see if anyone else felt like I do or if I was just an oddball, but I don’t feel so odd after finding this.

  43. I got together with a woman 5 years older than me with two kids (8 and 11) and we got engaged. I hadn’t had any kids, but Carol said she was getting to old for kids. I thought being a step dad to her kids would be enough. I said i might as well have a vacectomy then. I did, but then i got major swelling in my right testicle and had to stay in the hospital for days until they decided that they had a remove it. In addition to this the other was very painful. I got depressed and had trouble sexually performing. My moods affected the kids… And to make a long story short, Carol left me and we never married. To add salt to the wound she met a guy and i just found out last month that she is pregnant. I wish i never had a vacectomy…

  44. Stories like yours need to be told.

  45. Angeline says:

    My ex had a vasectomy because he didn’t want more children. I really did want more, and was depreesed about that for a few months, and could not bring myself to “help” with the getting rid of the remaining sperm after the procedure. I burst into tears one time – total mood killer. He was actually very understanding about it, saying it was like instant menopause, but also reminded me of the lack of worry about getting pregnant by accident. My family history precludes chemical birth control, as well as completely shutting of my sex drive, so we didn’t even consider that once we’d had our kids. We both hated condoms – I think I might have a mild allergy, because condoms and toys made of latex start to sting after a few minutes. He had a fair amount of swelling and pain (he said it felt like he’d been hit by a 2×4), and a spermatocele about 2 years later (the repair caused some pain but he said nothing like the initial surgery), and had a little knot of scar tissue on his testicles (but no pain from that). I did ask him where the sperm was supposed to go if the hose was clamped shut, and he’d been told the “absorbed into the body” thing. Which obviously is crap, else how did the spermatocele happen? After I settled down, we did have a good 10 years or so of carefree, fun sex. Your theory on the biology of sperm is an interesting one, but I think I was the higher sex drive person, so once I adjusted to the loss of the idea of more babies, I certainly enjoyed the lack of worry about getting pregnant if he breathed on me, and I know he did. I didn’t notice a difference in taste or smell, and I am very affected by the smell of a person.

  46. My husband had a vasectomy yesterday eventhough we both thought it was a good idea leading up to it, I get pregnant very easily even on birth control, I told him on the phone I had huge worries about how I would feel afterwards. He had it done and now I’m beside myself with upset. I don’t think I feel the same about him anymore, he says I’m being cruel but I can’t help how I feel. I had a gut feeling I would feel like this and I was right. I don’t know how I’m going to get over it all I want to do is cry. The thing I don’t understand though is I don’t want anymore children I have 5. Please think hard before you decide to have it done because its life changing emotionally for both parties.

  47. It’s the mans body, it’s his choice.

  48. I’ve often wondered if this is why I have no desire. My husband had a vasectomy 7 years ago after our last child was born. I’ve had no desire since. Everyone said it was my hormones due to giving birth and to give it time. Time didn’t help.I thought it was psychological but maybe there is something biological to it. Either way, its sad. I wish for the days when I enjoyed having sex with my husband.

  49. im in my forties and i have had about 5 different partners, from my early 20′s until recently that have had a vascectomy. SEX IS MASSIVELY DIFFERENT with a man who has had a vascectomy and i would never be in a long term relationship with anyone with one for that simple reason. It doesnt matter how gorgeous he is, how aching the chemisty is between us, or how deeply the feelings of emotional love run between us. hands down, my vagaina feels an absence of spark, of ferel-ness, of hit-that-mark urgency from him that is all part of the delicate dance of banging with an undercurretnt to get pregnant while not actually wanting to get pregnant. its a game of sorts and the more virile the man is–meaning he has sperm and can get you pregnnat–the more hot the componants are between us for sex. take away that driving force, that risk even subconsciously and you have little more than an animated dildo attached to a man. i dont care how many people will bash me for this but i honestly thought it was me with my first partner. we had an amazing sex life and he was the love of my life [in my twenties]. we actually chose to go and get a vascectomy together because our sex life was deep and he was afraid of pregnancy. the love was deeper as we went on but the feeling, the intensity of sex greatly diminished. we had other issues so i attributed this to those other areas. my next partner was someone i had dated a few years earlier and we were very hot. in the years since i had seen him, he had gotten a vascectomy. again, a noticable lack of the spark that once pulled us together. it would be years later when i would have another partner who had one, i was in my thirties then and again, assumed i didnt know what i was talking about. the same thing, the sex just wasnt the same as it was with someone who didnt have a vascectomy. i too, was excited at the prospect of limitless sex without worry of pregnnacy until it became noticable that i actually wasnt drawn to have limitless sex with my partner. it just wasnt the same. now, im in my 40′s and in the last 5 years have dated several men who had vascectomies and had not told me. i could tell right away. its a shame really and i think that any man should seriously consider this elemant before diving off the deep end and cutting out the cro magnon drive we’re all wired with to have sex to begin with. as for me, i persoanlly am not willing to give up my primal love of a man who is intact and with the driving force of sperm and the risk. my body knows the difference between the two and ive made my choice.

  50. a good analogy is to ask if a female cat is interested in the neutured male. she isnt. its not personal, he just isnt going to arouse her deeper primal nature like a unneutured male is. sex is [for me] at best ‘okay’ with a partner who has had a vascectomy–and yes, this is even while im in love with him. it doesnt compare tho to the bring me to my knees sexual prowess i feel with someone who doesnt have a vascectomy. and unfortunatly how we have sex and how it affects us is often directly tied to how in love we feel with somone. if the realtionship is workable that in love feeling can transcend to deeper love and long term commitment. but without the hotness of that sexual componant, you dont stand a chance of glueing the relationship togehter on semen only sex. she will never feel satisfied and she may even stop getting wet all togehter. in all my relaitonships with partners who have had a vascectomy, i ended up not wanting sex, dreading my partner wanting sex and not even able to get excited to have sex with them. this caused immesuable problems in the relationship as a whole and in honestly, i was more willing to walk away from these partenrs more quickly than i ever have been with men who im involved with who are intact. i would urge a man not to get a vascectomy because it changes everything.

  51. If this were the case, wouldn’t hormonal birth control make women not want to have sex as well, since they wouldn’t be ovulating (the week of “sugar pills” that causes a fake period doesn’t actually lead to ovulation, it’s just a way to help women think that they have a “normal cycle”.

    Honestly? I think it’s a ladybrain thing.

    Science has been fairly conclusive about how one’s mood is highly tied to one’s perceptions (ie: the Placebo effect). In fact, the Placebo effect has a sister problem called the “Nocebo” effect (in which you convince your body that you feel like shit for an imagined reason). This is actually such a well-documented phenomenon that people on blind medication trials often report improvements or side effects simply from being told that they are taking the medication.

    And sex is the same way.

    I personally have a huge impregnation/unprotected sex fetish. Why do I say this? I get turned off a lot whenever I think that a condom or barrier method is in place. BUT. I found out that if my partner puts on a condom and then “pretends” to take it off and tells me he wants to go at it bareback (and I can’t see based on the angle of the position), I enjoy the sex IMMEASURABLY MORE even if the condom is not actually removed. It’s simple psychology.

    I must also say that having unprotected sex works a lot like a shot of anti-depressant. When I had my first child, I got the IUD because we didn’t want to spend a ton of money in condoms (which I am mildly allergic to). Constant unprotected sex, even with the IUD, was amazing, even though logically I knew that I had less than a .0001% chance of getting pregnant (and any pregnancies while IUD is properly placed are basically life threatening and can lead to death in the woman, which is why she has to check the “strings” monthly). The one drawback to the IUD for the guy is that if the strings hang down out of the cervix and he penetrates just the wrong angle, the strings (which are more like fishing wire- ow), can poke him in the urethral opening, and that sucks.

    My husband and I are considering vasectomy as an option after I give birth to our second child (any day now, ugh, being pregnant this long suuuucks), but I told him that I’m not really in a hurry because I’m going to take care of myself and get another IUD so he can make the choice based off what he thinks is best.

    The thing is, I think my husband must be VERY virile because I have severe fertility problems, yet he knocked me up within months of us going at it unprotected. That’s pretty amazing, if you ask me, and it makes me go all goo-goo eyed at him every time we both have an opportunity to have sex (and yes, you get creative when you have a kid to juggle and a huge libido like we both do, lol). It also makes me pretty protective of him, as I know that if he were to blow his load into some other woman, her chance of getting pregnant the first time is probably WAY higher than average.

    I don’t know if I really want to have more children (we don’t really have the finances, space, etc, and my fertility issues get worse with age, so that is why we decided to complete our family before we both turned 30), but my husband’s entire reproductive self is quite alluring to me, and I would be devastated if it went away forever.

    Anyway, I’m wondering if having sex with someone with a vasectomy might actually become less “unpleasant” if someone were to engage in some active “Muahaha I could get you pregnant (but not really)” roleplay? It would be interesting to actually test this because I am fairly certain that it’s largely tied to the scenario that pushes buttons in the woman’s head and not necessarily the guy’s spermless load.

    But then again, most of this is hearsay and conjecture, so I cannot be sure.

  52. I enjoy sex.. after 10 years i still want sex every day more than once. After 4 kids my husband choose to have a vasectomy. I still love sex! I have noticed that when im ovulating i fantasiz about sex with other men.

    I know before his vasectomy i couldnt get enough of him. I dont know if it was psychological or physical… just though i would

  53. I’ve had a Vasectomy about a year ago after our second child, and although I’ve not had any medical problems due to the procedure I have had a loss in arousal during sex. My wife is incredibly attractive and I find her so desirable but once sex starts (with foreplay) the feeling will all of a sudden disappear. There is no medical reason why and all the answers seem to be the same “it’s all in my head” but it’s not because I’m happy to have unprotected sex and please my wife so I don’t know whats really in my head than lol. Since the operation my wife has become more sexual, so your statement about the woman not wanted sex after may hold true with some but mine it’s not now she can have an orgasm and feel great without the worry of pregnancy.

  54. why do you have problems with a man that had a vasectomy but no problems using “marital aids”?

  55. My husband had a vasectomy 5 months after our third child was born. Almost 3 years later he is still complaining about my “lack of desire” for him. I feel robbed of his manhood and don’t know how to move beyond it. I think he is really attractive and I enjoy sex with him some of the time, but like some previous posters said, it’s lacking. The raw possibility that I could be filled with a child by his semen is gone. My body doesn’t crave his fluids at all. I worry our relationship will continue to suffer because of this. He is sad because I don’t desire him and I am sad because he is not the fertile man I married.
    Vasectomies can ruin intimacy. It’s ruined ours.

  56. I know two men who had it done in their 40s, who are now in their late 50s. For both, I am sure I have detected a major “softening up” in both their attitudes and physical demeanour. Both were divorced by their wives within 5 years, and in each case their wife has more or less told me it was due to their man becoming more “weak”. I’m no scientist but I’d bet good money that a man post-vasectomy (a) carries quite a lot less testosterone in his blood, (b) is more prone to weight gain and (c) is more prone to muscle loss. I suspect a psychological change too as aforesaid.

    Just a bar-room opinion, but one must live by one’s beliefs.

  57. In our highly artificial world – from abnormal sleep cycles developed since artificial lights, to artificial hormones levels in young women on birth control pills – I think we aren’t aware anymore of our natural, primal urges. That doesn’t mean those primal drives aren’t still there. Females in the animal kingdom choose their mates based on perceived strength and virility. Surely some human females still do, too. I’m certainly one of them. I like a man with some chest hair and morning beard stubble, even though smooth skin feels better, because those things connote raw masculinity to me. I think there’s something very sexy and powerful about knowing a man is spilling his seed into you, even when you’re using other methods to prevent pregnancy. Not long ago I started dating a man who has had a vasectomy. He’s very attractive, we’re compatible, and the foreplay is great, yet I don’t have that can’t-keep-my-hands-off-him feeling I usually do in the early stages of dating. I’m making him wait under the auspices of getting to know one another better first, and I really like him and could otherwise see myself with him long-term, but truly I don’t think I’ll ever want him sexually the way I would if he were still a fully-functioning man. I find it just sad and wrong that a man would have his genitals chopped and undo the beauty of what thousands of years of evolutionary biology created. If you’re a man at all on the fence, please don’t have this procedure.

  58. I had the surgery about 4 years ago after 3 kids and me and my wife decided that was it. I did and every once in a while still do have pains, mostly if I go more than a week or so without sex. That Sucks. The surgery is a blessing for me because I know for damn sure I am not having anymore kids, I have my 3 and I’m done. As for losing testosterone and becoming weak, that’s just silly. Nothing has changed hormonally, testosterone is produced in the testicles and that is why you can’t be casterated, they just snip the tubes for the sperm but not for the testosterone. As for my sex life, it has gotten better, we are more spontaneous and adventurious but there is a reason I googled this question. You can call me an asshole if you want, but I started a fling with an old friend and she was really interested in me, we had sex the first time and everything was good but I she got a bit nervous since we didn’t use a condom. I assured her it was ok since I have a vasectomy, and she was relieved at first since she is also married. We planned for another meetup but thingskeep falling through on her part. It is weird, she is still interested but it seems she lost that primal drive I had seen at first. Now I’m not hurt about it but it did raise some curiosity about the situation, I think there is some truth in the loss of drive in women even if they don’t realize it.

  59. missing sperm says:

    My husband had a vasectomy 9 weeks ago and it was an instant regret for me. I wish I had done more research before because I would have definitely just gone back on the pill. I have a sperm obsession now. I can’t stop thinking about this. I am almost 43 so my fertile days are waning, but I will have to go the rest of my life without sperm. It was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I have been terribly depressed since the operation and fear I will never get over it without some kind of therapy. It’s hurting our relationship, as he has spent many a night on the couch. I don’t want to throw away our 20 year marriage, but I just don’t get the same “euphoria” after sex. I do have a sex drive now that I am not on the pill and want sex frequently now, but it’s just not the same. I feel like his volume is down and sometime he doesn’t seem quite as hard. Maybe it’s cause we are having more sex than before, but I would definitely rather not want sex but enjoy it when I have it than want sex and find it lacking. I know it is probably psychological, but I miss my virile husband.

  60. Male 38 here,
    It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve done the operation. We have 2 kids and don’t want more.

    Obviously I did it for the bad reason; opposed to me, my girlsfriend never had big interst for Sex after kids. And we think that when she’ll remove her sterilet (intrauterine) her mood will come back because that thing plays with her hormones…. (according to her). That’s the vasectomy reason. I did a big sacrifice for our futur sex life, our familly, for her after all. All this based on a lack of sex issue. Crappy reason righ from the start because I’m not even sure if we’ll be together in X years.

    Operation was a joke, 10 minutes, 1-2 days of soreness, then back to normal. All I can say is the 2 first week the orgasms I have are stronger, deeper and longer. It’s different from prior op and scares me a bit.

    I’ll write more later, in a few month when she’ll be free of her sterilet…
    After reading all this I definitivly regret the move. Already considering reversal operation in 1-2 years, even if I don’t want kids anymore…

    – Poor man –

  61. My husband and I just had our 4th child 6 weeks ago.
    After two high risk pregnancies and delivering preemies he decided to get a vasectomy even though I begged him not too.
    He kept saying it was due to me wanting more children, but that is not the case at all. I was done after baby #3 was born.
    I honestly view men who have vasectomies as a turn off. I knew I would loose any respect and attraction I had for my husband if he went through with the procedure and told him this.
    Even with 4 children (one being a newborn)we had sex 4/5 times a week.
    When he walked out of the procedure room and I saw him all of my attraction to him was gone.
    I craved my husband sexually daily, I could never get enough of him and sex before the procedure. We could have sex daily and it wouldn’t be enough to satisfy me completely as I always wanted more of him. The sexual attraction was high and my drive was always way higher than his. His biggest complaint about me was I wanted sex more than he did.

    Now just looking at him makes me sick to my stomach.
    He may as well just turned himself into a woman because I no longer view him as being a complete man.
    I asked for a divorce today. I just cannot see myself being in a sexless marriage and I won’t have sex with him.
    His vasectomy literally killed our marriage. I warned him that this would happen based on my views on vasectomys.
    I even told the surgeon during the consult my views and he assured me that a wife doesn’t ever loose attraction but usually it increases afterwards. I wish I would have asked about the divorce rate post vasectomy before now.
    I love my husband, I really do, we have been married for close to 10 years, but I just cannot continue with the marriage now. I want to be with him, but I cannot even bring myself to kiss him. He smells different. He looks different. I don’t like it, it’s not something I can get used to, accept, and get over.
    I no longer think of him as a man but as a coward. He is not a real man. He is artificial, fake and incomplete.
    I don’t want to feel repulsed by my husband and I wish it would stop.
    I am filing for divorce this week, and it is all due to the vasectomy.

    Like I mentioned previously it has nothing to do with having more children as I do not want anymore. Even had he of banked his sperm I would feel the same way. The attraction is gone. My respect for him is gone.

  62. Update 2 months later;
    On my side, the sex is not different from prior the operation. Not better not worst. I had maybe the 1st month where I was anxius. Not too sure if my “toy” would be different from the past. It’s clearly not. My body convinced me that it’s not. I can’t tell the semen quantity, color, viscosity. Same nocturnal erections…

    My girl friend, she’s not turned off by this. In fact sex whit her is a bit better now. If she is affected, unconsciously or not, I don’t feel it at all.

    When I read crazy womens posts on panic mode like the above I think that it’s simply too much. We don’t talk about castration here, all the body “parts” are still there. A vasctomized man don’t stop producing sperm. After the operation it’s in the blood, everywhere in the body instead of in testicules only…

    Before destroying your marriage and hurt your kids, just replug the thing guys.
    It’s called a vasovasectomy read about it…

  63. Glad I read this. I felt all kinds of bitch for finding my hubby less attractive, sexually than before his vasectomy. I have zero interest in sex with him and I cant tell him that, I mean how cruel! So, instead I’ll just suck it up and think positive thoughts (it does help) I dont think of him as a ‘man’ and that is just awfull but it is subconcious, I cant help it. I used to find his smell so sexy. I am so sad about it. We have enough kids, it is something more basic than wanting children, it is subconcious and I hate it. It started before he had the vasectomy, we discussed it, I didnt like the idea, but it is his body and I do not believe in telling people what they can do with thier body. I do wish I had sometimes. It has not changed my feelings of love and admiration and appreciation of him I just dont want to jump his bones anymore. It is amental thing so I will just change my thought process and I hope it works…

  64. My boyfriend and I lasted 2 years. He’d a previous vasectomy. He made me tired.
    I would get into to bed and almost instantly I was just exhausted and only want to
    Immediately sleep. He has little semen, and I could feel the scar in his testicles.

    I didn’t even realize my reaction was due to his vasectomy until reading comments
    In this forum.

    Also, after sex, I could smell semen on his breath. Yes, the semen is absorbed , obviously.
    It was a turn off to know every single time he had jacked off.

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