There’s something about the rattle of a rattlesnake that immediately brings your attention in sharp focus. It’s a warning that bad things are about to happen if you don’t stop whatever it is that you are doing and change course. Wives also have a rattle, it goes something like this…
On the surface that doesn’t really get many guys attention, mainly because guys tend to solve their own problems of boredom so easily.
As an aside… be very careful about you being overly emotional while she is less emotional than you are. You can out cry her if your family member dies (parents and siblings), but everything and everyone else she will expect to trump you on emotionally. You can flag yourself as pathetically weak in her eyes otherwise. Big boys do cry, just not very often in front of someone they ever want to fuck again. Harsh but true. Women tend to want you to be their rock during the tough moments.
I think the look of disgust pretty much says it all don’t you.
Most Fitness Tests (aka Shit Tests) your wife will toss at you come in a few standard variations that are seemingly easily spotted, but they also come very close to things that aren’t Fitness Test at all. So the trouble is figuring out which is which. You can mess up just as fast by failing a Fitness Test as by bumping back on her on something that wasn’t one in the first place.
Importantly most times the woman isn’t even aware of the testing nature of what she is doing, so there’s no easy way to just ask her what’s up either. If you happen to get tangled up with a woman that is consciously testing you and gaining some kind of pleasure from it all, it’s about the worst red flag there is. Stick around in that sort of relationship long enough and you’ll end up listening to her having sex. Avoid.
So anyway, some basic Fitness Test variations, coupled with things that aren’t tests…
The Small Request Test – “Hold my drink / bag / place in line”. You just complied and became her help. So it’s a step down in your social value in her eyes. You’re waiting on her. Plus you look like a chump holding her bag and a Cosmo. She’s not back yet huh… I think she was talking to that guy over there…
The Small Request Non Test – A request to perform a small task that you have natural advantages over her on. For example Jennifer is very short and I am very tall, so when she asks me to put away something in the kitchen that goes away very high in the cabinets, it just makes sense that I do it rather than her. Periodically Jennifer is injured by attempts to put away heavy items high up that fall back down on her. I actually get testy at her for not asking for help sometimes.
The I’m A Cute Girl Test – A request to comply with something simply because she has asked for it in a coy seductive manner and being a boy you are powerless before potential pussy. There’s usually some sort of inflection of voice that tips this off. The request is usually an attempt to get out of doing something or avoid consequences. Usually it’s best not to comply and find a way to get her to do it if she is perfectly capable of it.
The I’m A Cute Girl Non Test – This is a reasonable request, but comes with a quite purposefully aware display of sexiness. She’s purposely using the request as an excuse to be sexually playful with you and display her interest in you. The question / request is just a cover for it. Jennifer tends to have an almost comic approach with this and sometimes loads up a Small Request Non Test with a dose of CFM coyness.
The I’m Getting Emotional About This Test – As soon as a woman finds out her tears are your Kryptonite you’re in deep dodo. Don’t respond to her drama and hysteria over minor things. Sometimes this is tied into her menstrual cycle, but typically the women that reach for this tool use it an awful lot. After a while the entire relationship gets run based on her minute to minute mood. She is unhappy about X so you must do something about X right now. Now she’s unhappy about Y, why can’t you fix Y? Z also displeases her. The more you cater to her the worse it gets until eventually she becomes the unhappiest woman in the world and you are near death from exhaustion.
The I’m Getting Emotional About This Non Test – This is when something really does happen that isn’t trivial or minor and she’s upset. Everyone has a crappy day once in a while, as long as she’s not making a lifestyle of it, you should be standing in, standing up, or standing with her during these moments. The key here is not to try and bail her out of a bad situation and solve her problem for her, but to be present and available to her to aid in solving it herself. Sometimes you just gotta let them cry it out for a bit.
The Badly Inconveniencing You Request Test – This is where she asks you to do something that would cost her little of her time, but costs you a lot of yours. So “can you pick up the girls from school today” when school is five minutes round trip from home on a work from home day for her, while you have to leave work early to get to the school on time. That’s a big test. Just say no.
The Badly Inconveniencing You Request Non Test – This is when yes indeed this is going to screw your day, but if you don’t help out she is going to be royally screwed. So today the kid is sick so someone has to stay home, but today she has that presentation thing and that meeting with her boss. So you save her with your best smile.
The Sexual Denial Test – You can’t have any sex from me because… [insert statement of accusation of what you did or did not do]. This is just cruel and really eats away at the relationship. Personally I’d just reflect that verbally back to her and say that it’s dirty tactics. The other version is simply saying they don’t feel in a sexual mood, it’s not you… just that they don’t feel sexy or sexual anymore. At this point you start talking about visiting doctors.
The Sexual Denial Non Test – She is feeling acutely ill, or having her period, or cramping, or is just physically exhausted. Basically her body is not going to be terribly cooperative with a bouncy bouncy session today. As long as this is a usually temporary issue that does resolve in a day or two, it’s not testing behavior. It starts going on and on, then it’s doctor time.
The Not Responding To Your Calls Test – You’re calling and texting her and she’s basically blowing you off. Can’t find my phone. I’m kinda busy. I’m dancing to my favorite song. I can’t text with a drink in my hand. I’m just dancing. The whole Lady Gaga “Telephone” BS. Slap this shit down asap.
The Not Responding To Your Calls Non Test – She’s in a meeting. She’s driving and there’s a cop behind her. She’s been kidnapped by pirates. Once Jennifer accidentally blocked my cell phone number on her phone in the middle of an very positive and happy week in our marriage… I was very close to a slap that shit down approach to that one before we figured it out.
The Remodel The House Test – The house is actually fine and isn’t broken. But she somehow needs something torn out and rebuilt and more expensive and fancy. Doesn’t add much value if any.
The Fix The House Non Test – Something in the house is broken. Usually best to just fix it. Upgrade if it’s a good idea and adds value.
So anyway, those are some starters. Mostly it’s all about knowing what is appropriate “playing as a team” and what is simply seeking to use you. It’s your job to sort that out. It’s okay to make a few mistakes along the way, you just can’t get into a losing streak where she endlessly wins over you.
“Monday night, I told Penelope about a married man I know and related some of the stories he tells. They start with phrases like, “This is going to sound really gay,” and include phrases like, “Friend and I were at the mall buying eye cream.” I told Penelope that I wasn’t so sure how real the wife was at this point in man’s life. She said, “I’d love it if you went and bought eye cream for me.” I told her that she absolutely would not like that. She maintained that she would. I replied with a hypothetical choice. “Would you prefer for me to come home and say, ‘I was just at the mall with X and found this wonderful eye cream for you. You’re going to love it!’ or would you rather I say, ‘X and I went to the strip club. I got a lap dance.’ Which statement would give you more concern?”
She grabbed her purse and started rummaging through her wallet. She handed me a stack of singles.”
One of my favorite performers is Dame Edna. She gets unleashed on The View and out ladies the ladies. Two small segements here, both are funny, but in the second one she demolishes Jennifer Love Hewitt over vajazzling…
I think the theme for the week is going to be Fitness Tests and Displays of Higher Value…
Periodically women Fitness Test (aka Shit Test) men. This can be quite purposeful and conscious testing, or it can be extremely unconscious testing that just springs up from nowhere. Suddenly she just feels something negative and the man must do something to alter the way she feels to positive. Typically these tests start fairly small, but over time they can grow larger and more demanding. The obvious intervention here is for the man to jump up and comply with her request and that does appease her… at first.
The problem lies in that Fitness Testing is the social equivalent of a sonar ping to determine social status. In general those of lower social status defer to those of higher social status. Women are hypergamous in their sexual attraction, so they…
One of my favorite nights is Sunday night when Jennifer cuts my hair. Admittedly there’s not a lot of it left – at least not on my head anyway, now that I’m a little older… I… I have to do things that I don’t want to talk about. So anyway rather than do some stupid comb over deal, we just clipper it all off very short each week. She was nervous at first about it, but it’s basically impossible to screw it up. Clippers, my head, neeeerrrroooowwww….
I don’t know exactly why it’s so nice. Maybe it’s some sort of grooming hold over from well before even The Time Before Writing and it’s some sort of primate thing happening. Maybe it’s just nice to be pampered a little. Maybe it’s because she’s serving me. Maybe it’s just the physical sensation and touch. Maybe it’s because I just like to look better. Maybe it’s because from when I was 14 to 17 I had a young cute and very busty hairdresser who used to take a very long time to cut my hair and always ended up somehow rubbing her boobs on my shoulders and upper back as she cut my hair. Seriously I have no clue.
Jennifer on the other hand gets to indulge in that favorite female fantasy of making her man over to look better. Maybe it’s some sort of primate grooming thing on her end too. Plus she gets to tend to the magnificence of me. (I don’t believe it’s possible to be too confident).
So anyway, we both have no clue why this works for us. Somehow it’s very intimate.
So anyway, when you ask her to do this for you, I suggest you frame it this way…
“Honey, I’ve decided that there’s something I want to do and I really want to be able to do it with you. But if you don’t want to do it, I’ll understand and still love you, just understand that I’ve decided I’ll have to see someone else and have them do it. I do love you and aren’t looking for a relationship with anyone else or anything like that. I’ll probably just find someone willing to be paid to do it and not get involved.”
Remember to be smiling a very naughty boy smile as you do this, be playful NOT serious in tone. If you think you’re going to blow it, at least hold the clippers in your hand or be in the store looking at the box or something as a defense prop. So anyway, then you spring that you are in fact looking for a haircut rather than some sort of kinky sex act.
The closing joke line is…
“I mean I could do it myself, but it’s just not the same”.
Attention young ladies in various states of undress…
If you are taking photos of yourself with an iPhone and uploading them to the Internet, please go read this (vanilla nudity pics NSFW) and then get the explanation of how it all happens here. There’s an awful lot of information in the picture files that isn’t just the photo… like the date and time of the photo… and your GPS coordinates.
As an aside, there is probably very little that Devil’s Advocate and I agree on, but I thought this was extremely valuable. Thanks.
And for the record, I really don’t have a problem with naked photos, just I think you need to be aware of just how far out there you are putting yourself.
It’s a simple little thing to do, but makes everything go so much smoother in bed together…. trim your nails.
NO sharp edges.
NO dirty fingernails.
NO tiny little sticky up bits.
NO nail polish unless you’re a drag queen.
Trust me, you don’t want to be heading to bed doing your Wolverine impression in the nail department. Typically if she wants her vagina scraped she wants the full deal with medical insurance, trained professionals and that specially chilled KY Jelly being involved.
Your wife probably has an emery board stashed away in the the bathroom somewhere, just file everything nice and smooth and wash your hands. Oh…. emery board… um…. it’s like a little strip of 600 grit sandpaper. Filing = sanding. See it’s really a male task after all. Nothing metrosexual about having properly sanded smooth nails.
Push comes to shove you can use actual sand paper. I tend to recommend not using a belt sander though. (That’s for toenails.)