One of my favorite performers is Dame Edna. She gets unleashed on The View and out ladies the ladies. Two small segements here, both are funny, but in the second one she demolishes Jennifer Love Hewitt over vajazzling…
I think the theme for the week is going to be Fitness Tests and Displays of Higher Value…
Periodically women Fitness Test (aka Shit Test) men. This can be quite purposeful and conscious testing, or it can be extremely unconscious testing that just springs up from nowhere. Suddenly she just feels something negative and the man must do something to alter the way she feels to positive. Typically these tests start fairly small, but over time they can grow larger and more demanding. The obvious intervention here is for the man to jump up and comply with her request and that does appease her… at first.
The problem lies in that Fitness Testing is the social equivalent of a sonar ping to determine social status. In general those of lower social status defer to those of higher social status. Women are hypergamous in their sexual attraction, so they…
Jennifer on the other hand gets to indulge in that favorite female fantasy of making her man over to look better. Maybe it’s some sort of primate grooming thing on her end too. Plus she gets to tend to the magnificence of me. (I don’t believe it’s possible to be too confident).
So anyway, we both have no clue why this works for us. Somehow it’s very intimate.
So anyway, when you ask her to do this for you, I suggest you frame it this way…
“Honey, I’ve decided that there’s something I want to do and I really want to be able to do it with you. But if you don’t want to do it, I’ll understand and still love you, just understand that I’ve decided I’ll have to see someone else and have them do it. I do love you and aren’t looking for a relationship with anyone else or anything like that. I’ll probably just find someone willing to be paid to do it and not get involved.”
Remember to be smiling a very naughty boy smile as you do this, be playful NOT serious in tone. If you think you’re going to blow it, at least hold the clippers in your hand or be in the store looking at the box or something as a defense prop. So anyway, then you spring that you are in fact looking for a haircut rather than some sort of kinky sex act.
The closing joke line is…
“I mean I could do it myself, but it’s just not the same”.
Attention young ladies in various states of undress…
If you are taking photos of yourself with an iPhone and uploading them to the Internet, please go read this (vanilla nudity pics NSFW) and then get the explanation of how it all happens here. There’s an awful lot of information in the picture files that isn’t just the photo… like the date and time of the photo… and your GPS coordinates.
As an aside, there is probably very little that Devil’s Advocate and I agree on, but I thought this was extremely valuable. Thanks.
And for the record, I really don’t have a problem with naked photos, just I think you need to be aware of just how far out there you are putting yourself.
It’s a simple little thing to do, but makes everything go so much smoother in bed together…. trim your nails.
NO sharp edges.
NO dirty fingernails.
NO tiny little sticky up bits.
NO nail polish unless you’re a drag queen.
Trust me, you don’t want to be heading to bed doing your Wolverine impression in the nail department. Typically if she wants her vagina scraped she wants the full deal with medical insurance, trained professionals and that specially chilled KY Jelly being involved.
Your wife probably has an emery board stashed away in the the bathroom somewhere, just file everything nice and smooth and wash your hands. Oh…. emery board… um…. it’s like a little strip of 600 grit sandpaper. Filing = sanding. See it’s really a male task after all. Nothing metrosexual about having properly sanded smooth nails.
Push comes to shove you can use actual sand paper. I tend to recommend not using a belt sander though. (That’s for toenails.)