The Shrek, Donkey and Princess Fiona Relationship Game

I love the Shrek movies and with a new one coming out very soon, Shrek will probably be coming a little more to the forefront of many peoples minds. (I’m just gonna assume you’ve seen the movies and know what the hell I’m talking about with the three main characters.) Upon occasion I’ve used this little game to figure out what is what with the ladies. It all hinges on a simple question.
“So if I was Shrek, would you be Donkey or Princess Fiona?”
Pretty much as soon as you ask that they know exactly the question you are really asking, namely “are you ready to have sex / seriously romantically interested?”
If the answer is “Princess Fiona”, then you follow up with, “Well you know that Shrek and Fiona like totally do it right?” This will be fine because they are quite interested in you. You should get a positive laugh reaction from that. Continue gaming her, this one is in the bag.
If the answer is “Donkey”, then you follow up with, “Oh great, I need a beast of burden” and then you ask them to perform whatever trivial task you can think of. Nothing insulting, just small. Most women will want to resist calling themselves the non-princess option, so it really is a fairly clear not ready / not interested signal from them.
The beauty of this is you can keep it going for months into the future as kind of a small running gag. Princess Fiona’s get one kind of treatment from you and Donkey’s get another. You just stop wasting over much time on the Donkey’s and you spend time and effort on the Princess Fiona’s. You don’t have to treat Donkey’s badly, you keep them friend boxed and don’t get suckered into their attempts to chump you into doing something for them.
So this…
Hot Girl Out Of Reach: “Can you come over and help me move all these heavy boxes in my basement?”
Chump: “I’ll be right over!”
Chump moves all the heavy boxes for two hours.
Hot Girl Out Of Reach: “Thanks! You’re a great friend.”
Chump goes home and masturbates.
Turns into…
Donkey: “Can you come over and help me move all these heavy boxes in my basement?”
Shrek: “Well I’d love to, but that sort of thing is really on the Princess Fiona plan.”
Donkey: “But these boxes are so heavy and I really need your help”.
Shrek: “Well you really need your man to help you… hang on hang on… were you just asking me to be your man?”
Then you try and close for a date of some kind, before attempting the task she is looking for.
Also having got a Princess Fiona…
Princess Fiona: “Can you come over and help me move all these heavy boxes in my basement?”
Shrek: “Sure I’ll come over you in the basement.”
Princess Fiona: “Shrek!”
Shrek: “(heh heh heh) I’ll take that as a later baby… so what boxes?”
If you really want to have fun with it…
Shrek: “Hey Donkey I need your help. I want to take Princess Fiona somewhere really nice for dinner, what’s your favorite place that’s romantic?”
Donkey: “Well if it’s romantic I love the Enchanted Grotto.”
Shrek: “Of course! The Enchanted Grotto! You’re such a good friend”.
Donkey: (WTF I should have said Princess Fiona when he asked…)
Of course if you’re married you have a default setting for who Princess Fiona is, namely your wife. Which means you get to do all the things her man needs do to for her, and she does all the things that your woman needs to do for you. It’s how the Princess Fiona plan works. So if she is demanding to be treated like your Princess Fiona, but only offering Donkey treatment in return, that’s something that needs to be addressed.
Also it can be very clarifying to think of all the other women in your life as Donkey’s…

Sexy Move: Using Basic Physics (Plus It’s Always Nice To Say Please)

We’re brushing our teeth before bed last night (that’s all part of the foreplay process) and I said to Jennifer, “I’m going to have to prove I can flip the bed up and slide you out of the bed tonight aren’t I”. (In reference to this post that I had just published). I got a distinct nod of the head as she brushed that I would indeed need to prove that it was possible.
Now our bed is a pretty solidly built, heavy King Size bed. So I can understand her sense of disbelief. So I patiently waited until she climbed into her side and then acting like it was no big deal, just walked over to my side of the bed, reached down and started lifting it up.
Much squealing ensued.
I only needed to get it up to about the 10-15 degree angle before a stream of “DUDE! DUDE! DUDE! DUDE!” erupted and she started clutching at the bedding. So I put her down and she was extremely accomodating after that. Actually a quite remarkably good session even for us.
So anyway I can imagine some of you are thinking, “yeah but isn’t your wife a tiny little thing? My wife is a little more… um… fat solid portly there’s a lot to love voluptuous, I think I would throw my back out if I tried that.”
Well yes and no. The actual weight of the bed is the majority of the effort here. So you can test that out ahead of time and see if you can or cannot lift the bed with nothing in it. Just like I tested it out before I wrote that post. Our bed really is pretty solid and I knew I would probably have to back it up with action, so I really did test it out first.
Once she’s in the bed and you’re lifting it up, what happens is the entire bed become a lever with the fulcrum being the base of the legs of the bed on her side. Most beds have the legs recessed under the bed somewhat, so usually part of her bodyweight is going to be on either side of the fulcrum. So say she weighs 200lbs and the legs of the bed are under her body so that 150lbs of her is on one side of the fulcrum and 50lbs on the other, it’s like she only weighs 100lbs. Then you have the rest of the bed acting like a 5-7 foot long lever to lift just a 100lbs. Which is about as hard as lifting the bed without her in it, but with a 5 pound weight on your side of the bed.
The thing you have to watch out for is after a certain point her weight shifts enough over the fulcrum as you lift the bed that you actually have to exert force to stop the bed tipping up even more. You’ll have to hold the bed down.
Of course as you’re doing the actual lifting of the bed, 99.999% of women are not going to be thinking about elementary school physics and being fairly unimpressed by the whole thing. The surprise value of an “immovable object” they are lying on suddenly moving and instinctual fear of falling will usually over ride logic in the moment. It’s an impressive looking male display, but not actually violent. It’s way easier than picking her up and trying to carry her somewhere.


And of course it doesn’t hurt to smile and say please. A slight variant on my theme, but manners are always appropriate and there’s no reason to use a harsh tone with your wife when a simple “please” will suffice.


Also if the bed breaks, it’s not my problem. I’m not buying anyone any new beds. Be warned.

What To Do When Your Wife, Girlfriend Or Date Is A Total Cock Tease

One of the more dramatic tests a women can try on a man is where she knows she is arousing him, is taking some kind of deliberate action to arouse him, sticking around in very close proximity, but then denies him sexual release with her.
Usually this sort of thing happens before a dating relationship turns fully sexual. The standard variant is the “lets get into bed and just cuddle” routine with her in some state of undress. Obviously the male isn’t very much going to want to JUST CUDDLE. She 100% knows this and is doing it purposely to mess with him. Yet the guy thinking it’s some sort of stepping stone to her pussy will like a chump get into the bed and cuddle and talk and touch her hoping she’ll change her mind. She might, but she probably won’t. The whole thing is a test is to see if you’ll overcome her defenses. Just leaking pre-cum onto her lower back is a failing grade.
The solution is fairly simple. You state that she’s testing you and you give her two choices – get out or put out. Note that there’s no pressure on her with your tone of voice, this is all just a simple statement of facts. You’re a grown ass man, not some high schooler, you’re either going to have sex, or get some sleep so you can go about your day feeling good tomorrow. Staying up half the night hoping for sex isn’t going to happen. If she leaves and goes home, that’s fine, you’ll make sure she’ll get home if need be, you’re just not interested in being toyed with. Not sleeping with you that night isn’t a relationship ender either. Despite cutting off the opportunity for sex that night, over the longer term this will actually make you seem a little more edgy and sexually potent to her. You actually turned her down, not the other way around. Also it pays to give her a little time to make her decision and while she does so, you should make some moderate physical space between you both. As in seperate rooms in the house.
What happens to a woman in your bed is natural consequences, not threats. A woman sleeping in your bed is going to get fucked and fucked well as a requirement for sleeping next to you.
Of course if you’re married and you get some bizarre event where she purposely gets you hard and then switches off on you without some obvious screw up on your part, you’ll need to address that. This is called being a cock tease. Now just to be clear I’m not saying you’re gonna get laid every night, but if something was clearly started, like she’s done things to your penis or you’ve made her come and she suddenly declares the whole thing over and you’re still throbbing with hardness and dripping pre-cum, that’s what I’m talking about. An obvious screw up on your part would be saying her sister’s name passionately, or accidentally elbowing her in the eye as you try and switch positions for example. (We’ve done the eye thing a few times lol.)
Now naturally you can’t offer her the “put out or get out” choice like you can a girlfriend / booty call because you can’t order her out of the house because she lives there. What you must do though is make it clear that it is unacceptable and you’re pissed off. At this point a “discussion” is probably pointless, she’s probably just going to be able to out talk you and half your blood volume is between your legs and there’s not much left up top to formulate a sentence anyway.
What needs to be done is a display of the potential of physical dominance of an adult male over an adult female. Now that sounds like an ass whooping, but that sort of thing gets you jailed, so we can’t do that. My variation is a dramatic display of power, but also pretty safe as well.
What you do is get out of the bed, pick up your side of it and lift it up slowly to about a 45 degree angle and gently threaten to slide her ass out of the bed onto the floor. If you do it right, fast enough to surprise her, but slow enough that she can think to scrabble to stay in the bed as you tip it, you can make demands that she finish what she started. If you get a “yes” you lower the bed and get it on.
If she’s totally non-compliant, she does need to end up on the floor. Don’t hurt her, just deposit her on the floor. It’s like play fighting with a kid, the idea is to be dramatic but strong enough that despite the appearance of violence it’s safe. It’s actually a stronger display of male power to not have the kid injured than to have them injured. Likewise if you just go “HULK SMASH!” and the bed literally flips end over end and she thumps against the wall and breaks her arm, that’s really bad. I said gently lift up the bed and deposit her on the floor. There is a difference between flexing your muscles and Smack Your Bitch Up.
Then in the most even, measured tone of voice possible say, “If you change your mind I’ll be in the Living Room, if not, goodnight”. Direct eye contact the whole time. Then walk out chin held high. There is absolutely NO “discussion”. The conversation simply ends, the more you talk the worse it gets. Once out in the Living Room get comfortable, don’t jerk off (you might need that), just settle in for the night. Under NO circumstances return to the bedroom if you hear her crying. She’ll either come out to you, or she won’t.
If she comes out to you, no matter how late in the night, how tired you feel, you need to have sex with her. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t. (Shit I don’t know, what to do about that. If she doesn’t come out after all that, that seems pretty bad. Maybe start floating marriage counseling as an idea, she hates you.)
For the record, I’ve never had to even think about doing this with Jennifer. It’s all untested, so be advised, but I just can’t possibly see how just sucking this sort of thing up is going to benefit the relationship over the long term. The key attitude to not ever needing to think about using this tactic is to stay firmly on point with the idea that you understand a yes and a no, but cock tease is going to get you very worked up. Touch the penis, make the penis happy, that’s the rule. If she doesn’t respect you in the bedroom, she won’t respect you anywhere else. Ultimately this really is about respect, not sex.
Either way, she’ll probably never purposely cock tease you again. And again – know the difference between flirting and playing as extended through the day foreplay, and everything was getting started up and she just turned it all off on you. Oh and don’t flip the bed because baby needed an early feeding or a kid wanted a glass of water or something. Kids crying in the next room can shut her juices off faster than you being broke.

Long Distance Relationship = Emotional Marathon

Have had a couple of questions about how Jennifer and I stayed together before we married. For those following we had a three year three month courtship, during which we were actually in the same country physically together for a total of three months.
The short answer is I have no clue, I was out of my mind.
The long answer is;
1. Meet girl
2. Fly back to New Zealand
Buy Me!

Sexy Move: Missionary Position

The Missionary Position is as vanilla as it gets, but like I have said before, vanilla is an actual flavor rather than the absence of flavor. Most women quite like the feeling of her man on top of her. It’s a naturally dominant position for him. In fact her obviously liking the Missionary Position is probably a good indicator that she gets enjoyment from being submissive in general.


If you want to change it up a little though, try a pillow under her butt. See how that feels. It can very much alter the tilt of her pelvis and change the sensation for you both.