We’re brushing our teeth before bed last night (that’s all part of the foreplay process) and I said to Jennifer, “I’m going to have to prove I can flip the bed up and slide you out of the bed tonight aren’t I”. (In reference to this post that I had just published). I got a distinct nod of the head as she brushed that I would indeed need to prove that it was possible.
Now our bed is a pretty solidly built, heavy King Size bed. So I can understand her sense of disbelief. So I patiently waited until she climbed into her side and then acting like it was no big deal, just walked over to my side of the bed, reached down and started lifting it up.
Much squealing ensued.
I only needed to get it up to about the 10-15 degree angle before a stream of “DUDE! DUDE! DUDE! DUDE!” erupted and she started clutching at the bedding. So I put her down and she was extremely accomodating after that. Actually a quite remarkably good session even for us.
So anyway I can imagine some of you are thinking, “yeah but isn’t your wife a tiny little thing? My wife is a little more… um… fat solid portly there’s a lot to love voluptuous, I think I would throw my back out if I tried that.”
Well yes and no. The actual weight of the bed is the majority of the effort here. So you can test that out ahead of time and see if you can or cannot lift the bed with nothing in it. Just like I tested it out before I wrote that post. Our bed really is pretty solid and I knew I would probably have to back it up with action, so I really did test it out first.
Once she’s in the bed and you’re lifting it up, what happens is the entire bed become a lever with the fulcrum being the base of the legs of the bed on her side. Most beds have the legs recessed under the bed somewhat, so usually part of her bodyweight is going to be on either side of the fulcrum. So say she weighs 200lbs and the legs of the bed are under her body so that 150lbs of her is on one side of the fulcrum and 50lbs on the other, it’s like she only weighs 100lbs. Then you have the rest of the bed acting like a 5-7 foot long lever to lift just a 100lbs. Which is about as hard as lifting the bed without her in it, but with a 5 pound weight on your side of the bed.
The thing you have to watch out for is after a certain point her weight shifts enough over the fulcrum as you lift the bed that you actually have to exert force to stop the bed tipping up even more. You’ll have to hold the bed down.
Of course as you’re doing the actual lifting of the bed, 99.999% of women are not going to be thinking about elementary school physics and being fairly unimpressed by the whole thing. The surprise value of an “immovable object” they are lying on suddenly moving and instinctual fear of falling will usually over ride logic in the moment. It’s an impressive looking male display, but not actually violent. It’s way easier than picking her up and trying to carry her somewhere.
And of course it doesn’t hurt to smile and say please. A slight variant on my theme, but manners are always appropriate and there’s no reason to use a harsh tone with your wife when a simple “please” will suffice.
Also if the bed breaks, it’s not my problem. I’m not buying anyone any new beds. Be warned.