The Basics Of Asking Someone Out

Overheard in the lunch room at the office a few of the women voicing complaints about generally okay guys asking them out to lunch / coffee / whatever, but trying to be polite and not get involved and ending up in a creepy lunch experience. Considering that most women do in fact like to eat lunch, I’m pretty much assuming the creepiness factor is the issue. I don’t really focus on pick up skills, I’m pretty much assuming being married you can ask your wife out to lunch without being weird about it, but anyway for the guys looking for dates out there here’s some solutions to being blown out on asking for lunch dates.
False Time Constraint: “I can’t stay for long though, I have a meeting / report due / call / thing I have to do in 30 minutes”. That means you aren’t going to stay locked in laser beam focus on them for an unknown length of time.
Deny Interest In Them: “Now if we have lunch, you have to promise not to hit on me,  I’m Married / Engaged / in a LTR / am trying to cut down to just one special girl right now”.
Don’t Offer To Pay For Lunch: That kicks in the ASD (Anti Slut Defense) where she feels leverage being used against her to buy sexual favors. Even if she agrees to let you pay she’ll be scanning the menu for something that says “handjob” rather than something she actually wants to eat. You won’t get that handjob either. (Incidentally for the women reading, Chicken Caesar Salad is the default handjob menu choice, Lobster means you have to go all the way. Everyone knows by now that Sushi = Oral Sex and Baby Back Ribs means you are a nasty nasty girl and I’m embarassed to be so aroused by you.)
That’s the basics for getting your foot in the door. Don’t be needy or creepy.
Incidentally I did ask Jennifer out for coffee today. In one of our rare days of both of us being at the main office, it got to be around 2pm and I did the standard MGHOW (Man Going His Own Way) invitation. “I’m going for coffee, want to come?” Then either way she answers, I go get coffee. It’s not “Would you like to go get coffee?” because then she has to make a decision to leave or not, whereas the MGHOW invitation is making her make a decision on whether or not to be left behind. And if you start turning your body away and start moving to the door you’re taking away something and people tend to latch on to things being taken away from them.
So anyway, she came with me. Of course it’s no big deal if she didn’t come, it’s just coffee.


  1. rosiewiklund says:

    excellent techniques. Chicken salad is my favorite food. I wonder what that says to my poor husband? :)

  2. quietearth says:

    The problem you're identifying is specific to social circle dating.. But there's really no need to go on dates with women who are already within your gravitational field; it's perfectly possible to seduce in a group environment and then bounce on your own to another location. Formalising things by putting the two of you in one location together is in my opinion generally a bad idea because it puts too much pressure on the woman – she can't explicitly reject you because of the social consequences and ends up feeling uncomfortable.

    I only go on 'dates' with girls I've met on the street (and occasionally in bars, although I focus on direct daygame). In this context, the girl has explicitly agreed to go on a date with me and is consciously putting herself in the position to be seduced. And there's really much less pressure for both of us because there's no unspoken sexual dynamic at play – it's all very much out in the open.

    But yes if you're going to do social circle dating, MGHOW is a good tactic.

  3. Jake P says:

    Within a week of two of meeting, my then-girlfriend-now-wife-of-16-years and I met for lunch. Can't remember who asked who or how, but I vividly remember it was an absolute freakin' disaster. Mercifully, we were already comfortable enough with each other to laugh about it, and say, "Wow, this totally sucks–let's not do this again!"

    Where the heck were you in 1993, AK? Why did none of my better-skilled buddies–or my dad, for that matter–teach me these things? Could've saved me a lot of head/heartaches…

  4. I did the MGHOW a few days ago, except I'm a woman. Anyway, it worked. The man of my interest did come out to lunch with me and couple of friends. :)

    What do you think about women asking men out?

  5. Athol Kay says:

    It's fine for a women to ask a man out, but it does somewhat kill the enjoyment of chase for many men.

  6. Stephen says:

    Nice piece of advice, I gave it to my son who is in college and struggles with finding a girl(they all seem to chase after the football types). Should help take the pressure of rejection off of him. Thanks you have a great blog here. I am surprised that women follow your blog, they seem to post about half the comments.

  7. Athol Kay says:

    I'm not surprised at all, I'm hot. The ladies love me. :-)

  8. lovelysexybeauty says:

    loll @ ladies love me comment. fun

    AK you have a great blog here, one comment though about dispelling the creepiness factor -

    The false time constraint and deny them can backfire. Just this week a friend and I were talking about how some guy came across as very strange when he asked about taking her to lunch "some time." He was confident enough but it just came across strange, she was saying, "Can you believe he said you better not fall him… haha. He doesn't have to worry about that… who does he think he is? So delusional… haha" I felt bad laughing but well…

    I really feel for the creepy guys, I do. Some are family members or friends of my fiance so are cool guys, but then I see with girls they like and it's like oh man… yikes. I think it goes deeper to some sort of vibe they give off. They could say almost anything and it may just not come across well. It's all about the subtext… "Who you are is screaming at me so loud that I can't hear the words you're saying!" sort of thing.

  9. Athol Kay says:

    Oh yeah you do have to keep that "don't fall for me" line very light and playful. It's meant to defuse things not creep them out more.

  10. Thucydides says:

    > excellent techniques. Chicken salad is my favorite food. I wonder what that says to my poor husband? :)

    I'd really only worry if you prefer the salad tossed.

  11. "Of course it's no big deal if she didn't come"

    As you say, it's not your responsibilty.

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