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The Virginity Thing Revisited
May 12, 2010 By 26 Comments
Oy the virginity thing. A couple months back I posted on 10 Critical Things In How To Choose A Wife where point six related to the idea that if you were young and wanted to pursue an early marriage route that virginity was a good thing in a wife. This post is both an expansion on that theme, but also will probably be viewed as a modification on that theme towards a more practical approach as well.
Honestly I was a little surprised at the reaction to this point. I thought I was going to get reamed out for automatically discounting any woman with a cigarette in her hand, or suggesting that B Cup breasts was the ideal long term plan before getting the virgin thing tossed back at me.
Generally I’m standing by much of my explanation of why I thought that in my original post. Jennifer and I are each others first, and that really has had a huge upside and a decent part of the “why” of our happiness now. There’s no disease issues, no funky ex lovers lurking in the shadows, no awful experiences with others to work through. We’re each others highest and best. Our relationship is eroticised in part because of what we are to each other.
Jennifer’s “erotic kink” that turns her on is marriage / monogamy / me. That sounds all very vanilla, but vanilla is still an actual flavor rather than the absence of flavor. My kink is a little wider in scope and I admit I bore easily and like high stimulation experiences, so I’m the one that brings a bunch of different sauces to the table. We go well together. All I’m saying is that if you become her special erotic kink, you are all set with that woman sexually forever.
However the practical reality is that young men are absolutely biologically programmed to seek opportunities to have sex with any available female that is willing. You can talk all day long about this stuff and most are going to express understanding on an intellectual level that I might have something on this point and then they are going to see cleavage, hear the click of high heels passing in the hall, or catch a little whiff of perfume and the blood is going to drain downwards and chase mode is going active.
Giving a young man a choice between a woman that is willing to have sex with him now, or sex with him (much) later, most young men simply are incapable of waiting. The ones that can wait for ages are to be honest slightly questionable in other ways. There’s a fine line between impressive willpower and emotional pathology. And don’t misunderstand, I’m not saying men are bad guys for wanting sex, it’s completely normal and healthy to have a sex drive. Also remember I’m not even saying marriage and monogamy is a moral requirement, it’s a sexual strategy, as is promiscuity. I’m just saying that played well it’s a great strategy that benefits men sexually as much as women.
However considering the number of young men that are interested in ever forming a marriage or LTR are probably smaller than the number of young women interested in the same, the men generally hold the cards in the level of sex that happens. If there are four truly datable young men for every every five datable women, and the fifth woman is a virginal hold out, she’ll not get a relationship with a decent man.
The practical reality for the young woman is that if you do happen to meet a keeper willing to form a meaningful relationship with you, it’s probably best to lay him like tile. I really do not advocate cheating of any kind, (including tolerating cheating boyfriends), or random hook ups. That stuff really does damage your long term worth.The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Guys – if she was ever a cheat especially one that involved you getting cheated on or with, this is as red as red flags get about not marrying her.
If your boyfriend / girlfriend you’re sleeping with turns into a fiance and then a husband / wife, it doesn’t really matter the road you took to get there if they are still your first. It’s the first thing that’s more important than waiting for a wedding day. Of course the number count may be higher than one by the time marriage comes up, but it’s a good history to be able to say “I was with partner #1 for two years and caught them cheating so I left, partner #2 for three years but they refused to marry me so we broke up and then I meet you”. At least it’s much better than saying “I don’t really know, college was wild, I haven’t had many breakouts either, that’s all under control now” and then running out of fingers trying to count them all.
Plus after a while of staying virginal, it changes from being a positive reflection on you and slowly starts being a negative one. Virgin at 20 is sweet and like fresh snow – everyone wants to be the first on that trail. Virgin at 25 is kinda odd and starting to be concerning. Virgin at 30 is some sort of broken vagina that probably has teeth.