What To Do When Your Wife, Girlfriend Or Date Is A Total Cock Tease

One of the more dramatic tests a women can try on a man is where she knows she is arousing him, is taking some kind of deliberate action to arouse him, sticking around in very close proximity, but then denies him sexual release with her.
Usually this sort of thing happens before a dating relationship turns fully sexual. The standard variant is the “lets get into bed and just cuddle” routine with her in some state of undress. Obviously the male isn’t very much going to want to JUST CUDDLE. She 100% knows this and is doing it purposely to mess with him. Yet the guy thinking it’s some sort of stepping stone to her pussy will like a chump get into the bed and cuddle and talk and touch her hoping she’ll change her mind. She might, but she probably won’t. The whole thing is a test is to see if you’ll overcome her defenses. Just leaking pre-cum onto her lower back is a failing grade.
The solution is fairly simple. You state that she’s testing you and you give her two choices – get out or put out. Note that there’s no pressure on her with your tone of voice, this is all just a simple statement of facts. You’re a grown ass man, not some high schooler, you’re either going to have sex, or get some sleep so you can go about your day feeling good tomorrow. Staying up half the night hoping for sex isn’t going to happen. If she leaves and goes home, that’s fine, you’ll make sure she’ll get home if need be, you’re just not interested in being toyed with. Not sleeping with you that night isn’t a relationship ender either. Despite cutting off the opportunity for sex that night, over the longer term this will actually make you seem a little more edgy and sexually potent to her. You actually turned her down, not the other way around. Also it pays to give her a little time to make her decision and while she does so, you should make some moderate physical space between you both. As in seperate rooms in the house.
What happens to a woman in your bed is natural consequences, not threats. A woman sleeping in your bed is going to get fucked and fucked well as a requirement for sleeping next to you.
Of course if you’re married and you get some bizarre event where she purposely gets you hard and then switches off on you without some obvious screw up on your part, you’ll need to address that. This is called being a cock tease. Now just to be clear I’m not saying you’re gonna get laid every night, but if something was clearly started, like she’s done things to your penis or you’ve made her come and she suddenly declares the whole thing over and you’re still throbbing with hardness and dripping pre-cum, that’s what I’m talking about. An obvious screw up on your part would be saying her sister’s name passionately, or accidentally elbowing her in the eye as you try and switch positions for example. (We’ve done the eye thing a few times lol.)
Now naturally you can’t offer her the “put out or get out” choice like you can a girlfriend / booty call because you can’t order her out of the house because she lives there. What you must do though is make it clear that it is unacceptable and you’re pissed off. At this point a “discussion” is probably pointless, she’s probably just going to be able to out talk you and half your blood volume is between your legs and there’s not much left up top to formulate a sentence anyway.
What needs to be done is a display of the potential of physical dominance of an adult male over an adult female. Now that sounds like an ass whooping, but that sort of thing gets you jailed, so we can’t do that. My variation is a dramatic display of power, but also pretty safe as well.
What you do is get out of the bed, pick up your side of it and lift it up slowly to about a 45 degree angle and gently threaten to slide her ass out of the bed onto the floor. If you do it right, fast enough to surprise her, but slow enough that she can think to scrabble to stay in the bed as you tip it, you can make demands that she finish what she started. If you get a “yes” you lower the bed and get it on.
If she’s totally non-compliant, she does need to end up on the floor. Don’t hurt her, just deposit her on the floor. It’s like play fighting with a kid, the idea is to be dramatic but strong enough that despite the appearance of violence it’s safe. It’s actually a stronger display of male power to not have the kid injured than to have them injured. Likewise if you just go “HULK SMASH!” and the bed literally flips end over end and she thumps against the wall and breaks her arm, that’s really bad. I said gently lift up the bed and deposit her on the floor. There is a difference between flexing your muscles and Smack Your Bitch Up.
Then in the most even, measured tone of voice possible say, “If you change your mind I’ll be in the Living Room, if not, goodnight”. Direct eye contact the whole time. Then walk out chin held high. There is absolutely NO “discussion”. The conversation simply ends, the more you talk the worse it gets. Once out in the Living Room get comfortable, don’t jerk off (you might need that), just settle in for the night. Under NO circumstances return to the bedroom if you hear her crying. She’ll either come out to you, or she won’t.
If she comes out to you, no matter how late in the night, how tired you feel, you need to have sex with her. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t. (Shit I don’t know, what to do about that. If she doesn’t come out after all that, that seems pretty bad. Maybe start floating marriage counseling as an idea, she hates you.)
For the record, I’ve never had to even think about doing this with Jennifer. It’s all untested, so be advised, but I just can’t possibly see how just sucking this sort of thing up is going to benefit the relationship over the long term. The key attitude to not ever needing to think about using this tactic is to stay firmly on point with the idea that you understand a yes and a no, but cock tease is going to get you very worked up. Touch the penis, make the penis happy, that’s the rule. If she doesn’t respect you in the bedroom, she won’t respect you anywhere else. Ultimately this really is about respect, not sex.
Either way, she’ll probably never purposely cock tease you again. And again – know the difference between flirting and playing as extended through the day foreplay, and everything was getting started up and she just turned it all off on you. Oh and don’t flip the bed because baby needed an early feeding or a kid wanted a glass of water or something. Kids crying in the next room can shut her juices off faster than you being broke.

Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    It seems to me that if you are this close, she is doing it not to hurt you but to game a certain outcome- either she wants you to sweep away her objections and fuck her, or she wants you to turn down the tease. She is angling for you to display dominance in some way. The problem is men usually don't understand womens' game-playing enough to win at it, even if she wants you to win. Unfortunately as far as I can tell women are addicted to this.

  2. Athol Kay says:

    Agree. Hence the dominance display of lifting the bed to threaten to toss her out.

  3. As a woman I have to say I was horrified reading this. I can picture someone taking this advice and misusing it awfully and potentialy fatally to the realtationship. I think this is going a step too far and disrespecting the woman. If someone did this to me I would absolutely not comply. I have my pride.

    There is one exception. If it was done playfully and as a joke then maybe.

  4. Athol Kay says:

    @ Anni – so what do you think a man should do if a his woman teases him in this way?

    I do get that there are risks, hence my very careful advice that physical safety is important.

    My point is that the woman is completely disrespecting her man when she does this sort of thing to him. He's just bumping back a little on the disrespect.

  5. What in my opinion is wrong with the above cenario is that he makes it impossible for her to say "yes" to sex with him on that occasion and at the same time retain her self-respect. It also sets a precedent to her that it is not OK to do whatever she did to excite him and then not follow through on her promising behaviour. Women get excited slowly and when she starts a sexual behaviour she may not be sure where she wants it to end up. So whenever she feels slightly interested but is not sure whether she will want to follow through, she is less likely to indicate her interest in fear of being given an ultimatum. Now, when the man wants sex, normally he would just go for it. However, on this occasion the woman is saying "no".

    The term "cock tease" implies that she is teasing him on puropse. That may not be the case at all. If it's a new relationship she may not be sure if she is ready. Sex involves all sorts of risks for the woman. If he then gives her an ultimatum, it is likely to confirm her fears that he is just interested in the sex and not her. I agree that the man should not cuddle and talk all night in hopes that she'll change her mind. But I think after she said "no" to you, a simple statement that in that case you're going to sleep and a good-night kiss will be enough. If after you've stated your plan to go to sleep, she is still trying to tease you, then it's probably better to go sleep in another room, only because it's practical, not as a punishment to her. I don't think women should be punished for not having sex with their men. Sex should only be done when both partners want it, not in fear of a punishment.

    If she is saying "no" with words and is smiling and saying "yes" with her body language, then she is indeed consciously teasing the man. If it's a new relationship it is best to take her "no" at face value just to be on the safe side. However, if it is a long term relationship or even marriage, and you have established a safe word then I'd say just do it anyway.

    What do you think?

  6. Athol Kay says:

    "It also sets a precedent to her that it is not OK to do whatever she did to excite him and then not follow through on her promising behaviour."

    But this is exactly the message to send. It's not ok. How neutered does a man have to be to just politely accept his wife doing this to him?

    I completely understand a "yes" and completely understand a "no". But half a blowjob is going to really piss a man off.

    In terms of dating / being single, I really don't think you understand just how torturing it is to male to have a half naked girl in your bed and not have sex. Her intentions of teasing or not teasing are meaningless to a young male – he's completely and utterly teased. There is no falling asleep lol. Just endless agony of desire until the sun comes up. At least that's how it worked for me.

    Besides the way you peak a girls sexual interest in you is by displaying higher value by backing off her. By NOT forcing the issue. "Ok well I'm all worked up here, I either need to have sex, or you need to go home tonight. No pressure either way, you just need to choose".

    The man risks rape charges if anything happens without a clear consent granting. At some point they either need to consent to sex or not consent. If they don't consent it's much safer for the man if they get out of this apartment.

  7. Alright, maybe I misread into your post a sense of entitlement and using the ultimatum and a display of force as a way to pressure her. If you lovingly explain to her the situation then it's a different matter.

  8. I think I got the impression from you saying that if she doesn't have sex with you then you should lift up the bed so that she falls out, then go sleep in living room and leave her to cry. I don't think any woman would feel loved when subjected to such treatment, especially when used as a punishment for not having sex with him.

  9. Athol Kay says:

    Opening paragraph was… "One of the more dramatic tests a women can try on a man is where she knows she is arousing him, is taking some kind of deliberate action to arouse him, sticking around in very close proximity, but then denies him sexual release with her."

    If it's not a purposeful test, she's completely ignorant of men.

    I think you're questions have helped make my viewpoint more clearly explained though. Thanks Anni.

  10. wonkawilly says:

    "The solution is fairly simple. You state that she’s testing you and you give her two choices – get out or put out. Note that there’s no pressure on her with your tone of voice, this is all just a simple statement of facts. You’re a grown ass man, not some high schooler, you’re either going to have sex, or get some sleep so you can go about your day feeling good tomorrow. Staying up half the night hoping for sex isn’t going to happen. If she leaves and goes home, that’s fine, you’ll make sure she’ll get home if need be, you’re just not interested in being toyed with. Not sleeping with you that night isn’t a relationship ender either. Despite cutting off the opportunity for sex that night, over the longer term this will actually make you seem a little more edgy and sexually potent to her. You actually turned her down, not the other way around. Also it pays to give her a little time to make her decision and while she does so, you should make some moderate physical space between you both."

    This is where I messed up with my crush. Letting her sleep topless in my bed while I have blue balls. Smh. Never again though. If we get to that point again and she doesn't put out, she's going home. No more spending the night and we're not doing the deed. I shouldn't have let it happen twice already… Thanks for the advice.

  11. Athol Kay says:

    Yeah I was kinda thinking of you when I wrote it. I hope things improve on your end.

  12. I think dumping her out of bed is a bit try hard. I mean, you have a reason to be pissed off, but reacting like that is… overreacting. Just react naturally. Some time ago my wife turned off suddenly just as it was getting hot (maybe she just had something on her mind? dunno) and though she wanted to keep cuddling, I said no and gently pushed/rolled her off as I turned onto my side with my back to her. I suppose I probably acted pretty coldly the next morning as well. She tried to call me 3 times at work, and texted me a sad face thingy. I didn't mean to make her sad, but hey, I guess I just acted the way I felt, and she made the effort to come back in a way that showed me she loves me, and then she flirted with me, making it clear that she wanted to reschedule her tire rotation appointment in my next available open time slot.

  13. wonkawilly says:

    Lol. Not surprising. It's basically exactly my situation. I like the "put out or get out" line, I'm going to use that next time she's over.

  14. Susan Walsh says:

    Women LIKE to be called out on their shit tests! This is extremely sound advice, and if I may say so, HOT.

  15. Athol Kay says:

    I'm glad it works for someone Susan. :-)

  16. Anonymous says:

    I like touching my partner all the time, but it does not necessarily arouse me the way it arouses him. I get aroused by watching romantic movies with hot male actors while eating chocolate cake (makes him fall asleep) Which means that I end up aroused while my man is asleep, bummer! Meanwhile I love to cuddle up with my man on the couch and touching his body while we are watching a movie. To me it’s relaxing and comforting, not necessarily sexual, but it is to him. I was always wondering why my partner initiates sex while we are still busy watching a movie. It sounds silly, but it is so easy to forget that different people get aroused in different ways. I suppose I have been teasing my partner A LOT without me being aware of it. I would never "test" him though because I am never able to resist my sexy man. He knows that all too well! Within five minutes we would end up having sex, haha!
    So please guys, be easy on your woman. She might really not realise how sexy she is, and how aroused she makes you feel!
    It really sounds very strange to me that a woman would be manipulative to the extend that she "tests" her partner. That sounds like a big power struggle to me. That must be a very unpleasant experience.
    Maybe I am a bit naive.

  17. Athol Kay says:

    Hi Anon – I was pretty much talking about something more intense than cuddling on the couch, I was talking about time when she's purposely arousing him and being sexual and THEN cuts him off.

    I can point you to a few blog entries about the internet where the woman comes to orgasm and then rolls over and bids the man goodnight. That's the sort of thing I'm talking about.

  18. Anonymous says:

    Eh, I dono about dumping her on the ground (I am about twice the mass of my girl… Looking like I've lost control makes her /very/ uncomfortable, for good reason.) but I think leaving the bed myself is a perfectly reasonable course of action. I mean, it's not like I'm getting any sleep at that point anyhow, right?

    Now, uh, personally, when I have left, I have felt a little bit childish. (I mean, the line between 'teasing' and 'cuddling' is open to interpretation, but if it's been two weeks, you can bet I'm a little on edge.) On the other hand, it seems to be very effective at, ah, ending dry spells. Not that it's an optimal way to end dry spells, but it seems like at that point the relationship is in some trouble anyhow.

  19. Athol Kay says:

    Well the intent is a gentle plopping on the floor, not smashing her to the ground.

    The point is to make her a little uncomfortable.

    If you get in a cycle of having to be dramatic to get sex, that's a bad thing. Maybe bring up the need for marriage counseling with her.

  20. Interesting advice. Just make sure that your *first* course of action is to communicate with your partner to find out what her intentions were.

    There are many women who can happily have foreplay for hours and then go to sleep feeling that they have had sex. As far as they are concerened they HAVE had sex. So remember to first try a low-key "honey, I'd like to cum tonight. would you like to (insert activity)?" If a simple request doesn't work then, yes, she is teasing on purpose.

  21. If she comes then cuts you off, I don't think it's appropriate that you are the one sleeping on the couch. You need to slide her out of bed, hop back in yourself and say "the couch is that way, come back when you're ready to finish what you started…darling".

  22. Anonymous says:

    It's never gotten dramatic enough for "gravitational mattress manipulation" at my house, but I did distill the essence of this post. She got out of bed at "the critical moment". I grabbed her and pulled her back into bed. I told her, "women who act like that in MY bed get fucked". I have never seen her be so receptive in 20 years. Ankles went straight for the ceiling. Now, the week before that had involved a HUGE bump-back on a shit test that I had been failing for about 10 years and me owning a very bad withdrawal behavior in connection with it. (alpha bumping back, beta not withdrawing from family conflict) The relationship started to improve with the bump, the sex started to improve when I pulled her back into bed.

  23. Athol Kay says:

    Anon 1/28/11 – That may be an even better solution than the one I posed.

  24. I agree with Anni. Usually I’ve enjoyed Athol’s posts, but this one has got it wrong. It would potentially make me scared to initiate anything again. Very misguided post.

  25. And leaving her to cry after you have a) not stopped to talk (the post said it was pointless) b) rolled her out from her own bed in the middle of the night and c) flounced out of the room to sleep on the couch… sounds like the recipe for a break-up with a normal woman, not a way to get her to run through and make love to you on the couch, unless she has psychological problems. I’m not surprised you say you haven’t tested this Athol as I really don’t think it would work well in real life. Most men are much stronger than women and women know this already.

  26. JCclimber says:

    And once again we see proven the adage “Don’t take advice from women on how women want to be treated”.

    Every woman I know, normal and non-normal, responds well to this type of treatment. Especially the feminists.

  27. Let me preface this by saying I’m not a tease and my husband and I have plenty of sex (3-5 times weekly.) But what feels like foreplay to him isn’t always what feels like foreplay to me. Half the time I crawl in bed and he gets turned on just lying next to me when I’ve done nothing at all! Or we really are JUST cuddling without any sexual invitation/expectation. At that point, I have no obligation to follow through.

    If he ever did anything like this, I wouldn’t speak to him for weeks and I certainly wouldn’t go back to him on the couch. This has the potential to seriously hurt a woman and I think that potential is enough to make it a really bad idea. My husband is a strong guy (firefighter) and the last thing I need to be afraid of him hurting me and a display like this would do that.

  28. I say just get the women back that do that by teasing them with extremely romantic ideas and not following through. This is yet another reason I tell women from day one I wont give up porn or stop masturbating: because they play b.s. games with sex. Games that would be frowned upon in every woman’s magazine if men were doing it.

  29. I love this article and I think it’s spot on! I total agree with what the first commenter says too! If my ex’s had showed a bit more dominance then perhaps they wouldn’t be ex’s! Nothing worse than getting your own way all the time.

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