I had a reader question a few days back…
“How do you get your wife to dress more sexy?”
Easy. You dress more sexy.
I’ll pad out the post with my usual rhetoric about women calibrating themselves to their man, but I think you guys should be getting this by now. My entire approach is based on the idea that the only person in your relationship you can really control is you.
If your wife is a 6, you begging and pleading and demanding that she turn into a 7 is nothing but hot air at best and a Display of Low Value at worst. The solution is that you turn yourself from a 6 to a 7 and she’ll probably calibrate herself to a 7 shortly after you.
So you begging and pleading her to dress better is a waste of effort compared to you just pulling your own look together. Trust me on this, no woman wants to be tagging along after her man while he’s peacocking some threads and she looks like she’s shopping at Goodwill. She’s automatically going to up her game to keep pace with him. She knows in the pit of her stomach that if she doesn’t step it up, some other woman is going to take notice of the incongruence between the couple and possibly start moving in on her man. Or Mr. Peacock is going to take notice and accidentally just meet someone for completely harmless coffee sometime.
There’s usually a bit of a lag between you upping your Sex Rank and her doing the same, but if you keep at it long enough she will likely respond. Women tend to disbelieve their husbands actually improving themselves at first. And like I’ve said before if you keep upping your Sex Rank and she doesn’t respond, you’re in a better place to attract someone new into your life.
So anyway, Clothing 101…
Everything should be clean and smell fresh. If it needs to be ironed, make sure it’s ironed. If you can afford more expensive clothes go for it and get some nice things. A good quality watch. Your belt color should match your shoe color. Your socks should match the color of your pants. And a tie is a big colorful arrow pointing towards your cock.
Tomorrow I’ll weigh in on getting her to wear lingerie. The lingerie approach is a little different than regular clothing… you can’t just out peacock her with that stuff without the Cross Dressing charge being leveled against you. Avoid.
One of the weak spots on the human body is the neck. If someone has you by the throat it’s immediately bad, likewise a blow to the back of your exposed neck is life threatening.
There are dozens of cultures that have some combination of bowing and hats off (think “armored helmets off” as the early variant of what turns into the modern “hats off”) from the social inferior to the social superior. It’s a social submission signal to expose physical weakness.
Likewise in the animal kingdom there are readily observable submission signals where the weaker literally bows their head to the stronger. The message is clear “ok I get it, you’re in charge here and I’m better off aligning myself to you rather than trying to compete with you”. Humans are much the same, in a stand off building towards a potential fist fight between two guys, the first guy that drops his head to the other loses the stand off. The social signal of submission avoids the physical fight happening.
Likewise it is a dominance signal to touch someone else’s neck. Touching the front of the neck is of course extremely hostile and social status and potential legal pitfalls tend to be ignored in favor of establishing an airway by any means necessary. I’m more talking about touching the back of the neck. Anyone that touches the back of your neck is announcing very clearly that they are expecting your submission.
Ever noticed how much women like their necks kissed? Especially that sneak up behind them and wrap your arms around them and gently nuzzle on their neck. Bonus points for doing this when you kind of trap them up against the kitchen counter when they are making you a sandwich.
The other move is a very light hold on the back of the neck when you are kissing or making love. Note I said “very light hold” and not “crush her windpipe” or “shake her by the neck like a rag doll”. It’s just a social signal that implies physical dominance, the entire point is that you don’t actually have to prove that physical dominance by a physical confrontation.
So anyway… neck kissing… maybe some ladies out there just discovered they are more wired for submission than they first thought….
The Dr Helen Fisher summary. All peer reviewed, shoving people in MRIs to look at their brains, lab tests for hormone levels yada yada yada.
In love = Dopamine based excitement / OCD like mental obession on person of desire. (This is why SSRIs can kill off romance and interest in sex btw) The addition of Game understanding is that Alpha Traits compliment this process.
Pair Bond = Oxytocin / Vasopressin based emotional bonding and closeness. The addition of Game understanding is…
“I’m a big fan of your site. I just discovered it a month ago, but I’ve already read about half of the archives. Well written.
I have a small quibble with your sex rank explanation, though. My marriage recently ended because in my wife’s eyes, my sex rank plunged. (It had definitely fallen. I’d say I dropped 1-2 points. She’d tell you I dropped 3-4 points.) And you nailed it with “I love you but I’m not in love with you.”
The problem with your theory is this: my ex-wife’s sex rank plunged as well. Granted, she left me for an ex-boyfriend — but she had left the same ex-boyfriend before. But when she left, she was 15 pounds heavier (5’3″ frame), hated her job, and was generally anti-social and un-fun.
So my question is this: does the sex rank theory require some calibrating, or is there already a sex rank addendum to explain what happened to me?
PS – it is possible that my sex rank really did plunge on a subjective basis. I didn’t gain weight like she did, and I have a high-paying job. But my betatude was off the charts. Hmm.”
Well Sex Rank is by and large best viewed as a metaphor, so it’s hard to nail down exactly what a 6 is vs a 7 for example. I mean I could possibly come up with a chart and points for everything to map out what exactly makes up every level of Sex Rank, but then we’d all just get into a big fight about the chart disagreeing over the fine points. Some people find different things sexier than others. Anyway there’s a few points that might help.
Firstly female Sex Rank seems to be fairly fluid compared to male Sex Rank. Guys tend to have a particular number and then have to work extremely hard or totally slack off to change their number. For example a guy might go from a 7 to an 9 by becoming a doctor, a woman might do the same simply by wearing better make up and a tight dress often. Simple tricks like that for women sounds unfair in comparison to effort a man has to make, but the downside is that so much is dependant on physical appearance for a woman.
Likewise women’s sexual activity can increase or decrease based on their attraction to a male. So the same woman “with a low sex drive” with her low Sex Rank husband might suddenly discover “her sex drive just increased somehow” if George Clooney started asking to screw her. A woman with low sexual interest loses Sex Rank, and a woman with a high interest gains Sex Rank.
So some of your wife’s drop in Sex Rank might have been just a drop to match some of your decrease in Sex Rank. Women tend to calibrate to their man’s Sex Rank.
Secondly, Sex Rank is kind of a competition. If you were a 7 and the ex-boyfriend was a 6, advantage you. If you fall to a 5 and the boyfriend stays a 6, advantage ex-boyfriend. Even if she falls from a 7 to a 5 with you, she probably perks it up a bit with the ex-boyfriend straight back to a 6. I’m not saying it’s an automatic packing of her bags as soon as you drop lower than him, it’s just an influence on behavior.
Thirdly ex-boyfriends and especially ex-boyfriends that have had sex with your wife, are always going to have a much higher risk of influencing your wife against your interest in her. At some point he managed to trigger her attraction enough to get her seriously interested in him. No matter how badly the relationship ended, he can still probably flip at least some of her switches still.
I obviously don’t know all the details in your case, but I can guess there was some sort of ongoing relationship that reignited that you kinda sorta knew about at first that didn’t seem so bad, but then it was purposely hidden from you until it was all getting too late to do anything.
Moving to more general advice… ex-boyfriends, specially ones that were at all “alpha / dangerous / bad / edgy” can lodge in a woman’s mind forever. And of course men being men, if he’s still attempting contact with her… it’s because he still wants to see her stripped naked and doing that thing she does.
Though the other thing to watch out for is you obsessing about her ex-boyfriends. That communicates fear and weakness and is a Display of Low Value. High status males don’t need to worry about their females wandering off to find someone better. So basically ignore the entire topic unless one shows up on her radar again. Then watch carefully and be mildly annoyingly present as required…. by which I mean cock block.
Some fabulous reader mail…
Hello! Be not surprised that I have written to you.
Simply I to search for serious relations and I liked your profile.
I long thought and have decided to write you the letter.
I think that to us will be interesting to communicate and we will find much in common.
I can tell about myself that I formed and sociable the woman. To me of 28 years.
I the lonely woman which search for love.
Very much I hope for your answer to me.
That you could see who to you writes, I send you the photo.
I think that it is pleasant to you. Here my address on which
I can receive your letter ***************@yahoo.com
With impatience I look forward to hearing from you.
Hello good day to you. I am indeed delighted at your letter coming to me this fine morning. I have keep it with me in my thoughts today as I go about my business. I have many cars and boats and things, but getting your letter I realize that I too am lonely. I have a large house but empty without someone to share it with.
You photo was indeed pleasing. You are beautiful and natural, a lost gem no doubt. However I do confess that I am also recieving many similar letter these days as word of my exceptional good fortune has spread.
I have tried a love like this before and been sadly disappointed this last year. I have flying to meet with a beautiful angel like yourself, but she was too shy with me. Naturally I had to return home with diamond ring and heavy heart. But your letter has renewed my vigor!
So here I sit with many photos of dazzling women around me. You are a favorite though!!! I would like to attend to this matter and decide quickly. Please send me many more photo of you so that I may know you are not shy.
Good thoughts of you.
And for the record…. damn that was a nice photo of her… or of someone anyway.
Show me a man’s friends and I’ll show you the man.
Who you hang out with and even the friends of the people you hang out with can have a real effect on you. It’s not just a hunch, but there’s been some interesting studies recently that have mapped out the socially contagious effects of depression, obesity and divorce.
In plain English, if your friends, or even your friends of friends, are fat, unhappy and divorced, it increases your chances of also becoming fat, unhappy and divorced. And yes there is an element of “like wanting to hang out with like” at work here, but even adjusted for that effect there is still a causal effect at work by the social contagion.
Being most interested in divorce rather than depression or obesity, here’s a few quotes;
“Fowler’s research on divorce contagion didn’t examine whether the decision of parents to break up affects their children’s relationships. But his study did analyze the effect of divorce on siblings. People with a divorced sibling are 22 percent more likely to get divorced than people who don’t have divorced siblings.
Friends have even more influence than siblings when it comes to divorce, according to Fowler’s study. People who had a divorced friend were 147 percent more likely to be divorced than people whose friends’ marriages were intact, the study said.
The study also revealed a divorced co-worker can increase the likelihood of another employee divorcing by 55 percent compared to an employee who works with non-divorced employees.
Marriage therapist Gerry Lane in Georgia said he agrees divorce can be contagious. He said his clients’ friends have triggered their desires for a divorce — even among previously happily married couples.”
So to take away…. anytime you or your wife have friends, coworkers or family divorcing, that’s also a critical point for your relationship to negotiate safely past. Her best friend divorcing is particularly serious. Same if it’s your best friend. I’d take the time to at least have a conversation about “do you think that will happen to us?”
The answer to that question being…
“Well we have our ups and downs, but I can’t really imagine us divorcing ever. Well… not as long as you keep putting out for me anyway.”
And the naughty boy sly smile… always with the smile. Then pull her in and kiss her like I taught you.
Do NOT let the idea of divorce roll around in her head unopposed. Deal with that while it is still a small little passing thought or worry rather than letting it go full blown. It seems far too simple a tactic, but sometimes all a man has to do is just gruffly state that he is committed to the marriage and the wife’s feathers all settle down.
“What are you talking about? We’re good together, always have been, always will be. You get like this when we go too long between spankings I think”.
Anyway, I’m not particularly worried about divorce. If Jennifer wants to downgrade to just being a booty call she can. It just seems like an awfully large effort to have sex with me less.
It’s Father’s Day, so obviously I’m meant to dredge up some sort of platitude about fatherhood that makes everyone feel all warm and fuzzy about fatherhood.
Nah. Sex Rank and the Body Agenda is too brutal for that.
So lets compare two guys to each other. The first is a “lowly Beta” with not much going for him other than a rather dull 4 wife. He’s only ever had sex with her and together they have a couple of funny looking kids. The second is a master of Game and…
Let’s see, you’re doing Alpha stuff, you’re doing Beta stuff, she’s smiling at you, you’re getting more sex and all is well. Well except for that little slightly uncomfortable scuffle thing that happens when you put your hand on the back of her head and try and direct it downwards. There’s a pulling back and twisting out thing she does with her head and a “not tonight”.
“Not tonight” of course implies that at some future “tonight” a blowjob will indeed be forth coming, but that night doesn’t seem to happen. There’s no excited “hey tonight” that she spontaneously voices in lip quivering breathless passion.
Let me tell you what the problem likely is….
… you gotta stand closer to the soap.
See you may think you smell just fine, but in the words of Fat Bastard “everybody loves their own aroma”. See her vagina doesn’t have a sense of smell, so as long as you don’t smell terrible all over she can lie back and think about shoe sales for the 2 minutes it takes for you to be done. (Yeah yeah I know, you only need two minutes because you’re “so intense”.)
But her nose does have a sense of smell and when its nuzzling into your crotch she’s going to get a heady whiff of whatever the hell has been happening down there. So two day old underwear with urine stains aren’t going to cut it. If you’re spent half the day getting hard over the busty chick in the cubical next to you and there’s something approaching a pint of drying pre-cum swill in your pants that’s going to be bad too. If you have sweaty balls from either a very hot day, recent exercise or just bizarre genetic defect, that’s going to be bad too. Women have sensitive noses, far more sensitive than those of men. Faced with smells like these she’s just going to uncontrollably gag as soon as something goes in her mouth. They hate that.
Even if the last person you had sex with was her, if that’s not cleaned off with soap and water and is just left el naturale, within 24 hours your cock is going to smell like you have a fetish for barebacking cheap zombie hookers.
So there it is guys. Wash. Your. Cock.
Back in the Time Before Writing relationships and dating were probably nasty, brutal and short. Alpha Male was a status that was defended and debated by spear tip. You probably kept your relationship with a woman as long as you stayed able bodied. To the victor the spoils and females more than likely just submitted to whoever won a male on male fight. You tend not to Fitness Test a male freshly covered in your prior partners blood.
At some point along the way though, the males in a tribe must have figured out that they spent so much time and effort killing or avoiding being killed by each other, that the tribe was actually weakened against outside tribes. So the men of one particular tribe made an agreement with each other. Once a man took a woman, she belonged to him and no other man would try and take her from him. Oh sure there could be intense rivalry to determine who got to have her, but once it was decided, it was decided. And if anyone broke the rules everyone would get spear practice free play on the asshole just to keep their skills up.
The men decided that the relationships between the men, were more important than a woman coming between them. This pact was called Bro’s Before Hoes… I mean Patriarchy and Marriage.
This turned out to be such a successful plan that eventually every social group was forced to either adopt Bro’s Before Hoes… I mean Patriarchy and Marriage, or get wiped out by another social group that had adopted it. See, if two neighboring tribes both had a 100 males, and one tribe had a fierce internal competition for the women and 50 of those men ended up somehow disabled or killed because of it, that only leaves 50 able bodied men to square off against 100 able bodied men in the Bro’s Before Ho’s tribe. Plus that meant a whole tribe of extra women to share out.
Let me explain… say the 50 men in the tribe that fought over women were killed by the Bro’s Before Hoes group of 100 men, for the loss of say 35, that would leave 65 men from the Bro’s Before Hoes tribe still alive. The 100 original women from the Bro’s Before Hoes tribe would still be there, plus about about 100 new women from the defeated tribe would be 200 women between 65 men. So that comes to 3 women per man, plus the chief ends up with 8 women because a few were leftover and no one had invented decimals yet. All from a single combat experience. See this is how men got so good at math.
Fast forward to today and yes indeed things are more complicated, I don’t see women as chattel or whores by default yada yada yada, but a great deal of civilization rides along on the foundation stones of Bro’s Before Hoes… I mean Patriarchy and Marriage. Without this agreement between men - you have to understand that the idea and rule of marriage came into being before women had any say in the matter – life will eventually return to being nasty, brutal and short. For everyone, but especially men.
It is extremely counter-intuitive, but I’ve said before that most men do sexually better from monogamy than not. And societies clearly do.
A couple months back I wrote a post where I wondered aloud if there was a link between a man getting a vasectomy and the reduction in sexual interest of his wife.
I still don’t have any hard science with numbers to back up this wondering, but there have been a couple of comments on the original post that I find interesting….
Comment One: “I was one of those small percentages that suffers horribly, and I can attest that it does in fact ruin your life. If you had a vasectomy with no ill effects, just count yourself lucky, and move on. I would give everything I own, every cent, to go back in time and NOT do a vasectomy.”
Comment Two: “I’ve long wondered the same thing – but not in the sense that her body could ultimately sense the sterile semen. My intuition is that the knowledge (in her frontal lobe) of your sterility could creep into or influence her hindbrain and cause her attraction to switch off (i.e., her hindbrain would see you as substantially less alpha).”
Comment Three: “After mine I found a tremendous increase in sex drive. I don’t think it was entirely due to being able to raw dog; I think it also had to do with the overall chemistry occurring with the sperm staying in the body. Like the body wanted to do it more to make sure some got out. Disclaimer: I had a bit of ball pain with mine, but it only lasted a year or two. Disclaimer #2: I’m now divorced. I think the reversal after divorce is for obvious reasons: you want a child with the new partner. I’m too old for that (can’t stand younger women – they don’t get my jokes)”
Note his Disclaimer #2.
Comment Four: “I’m repulsed by my husbands vasectomy and not for fertility reasons he feels like less of a man to me incomplete etc.”
Comment Five: “My love button has been turned off since my husband’s vasectomy. Sex just isn’t what it used to be. I loved the way he would squirt all over me and now it just drops off the end. It’s like going to watch fireworks and awaiting the grand finale…but you get one of those little streamer kinds. It is disappointing. He no longer smells like he did either. He would walk by and I could get so turned on by his scent and now, it seems like it’s gone. I can’t even smell it on his clothes like I did when doing laundry. I used to get turned on doing his laundry! Since his vasectomy, things have gone downhill sexually and just between us. I vividly remember him coming through the door after his vasectomy procedure and he seemed different to me. In fact, I almost instantly started looking at and lusting for other men. How do you explain that?
You bet it’s biology. Now I’m disconnected and looking for answers. We have 3 kids and certainly don’t want more. Vasectomy is just so sad in the end. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Don’t do it. You will get more sex before the procedure!!!I’m loyal and I want to stay together but I also don’t want to stay in a relationship with sex that doesn’t turn me on.I can see why this could lead to divorce. I just want the man I couldn’t get enough of back.Vasectomy took him away. We’re together and all…It’s just different now.Hard to explain but living it”
Comment Six: “My Ex boyfriend got a vasectomy in the beginning of our relationship by his own choice before we decided to get serious. After it was done, he had lots of pain, and ultimately an infection in one of the tubes, that he had to take antibiotics for. After that, I completely lost interest in him sexually, consciencely knowing he didn’t produce any sperm. Forget marriage to a man I couldn’t have a family with either, hence him now being my EX boyfriend. I think it ruined it for me because in my mind, if he wasn’t fertile, he wasn’t worth it. I know it sounds terrible, But that’s honestly how I felt.”
So all I’m saying here is that it makes me wonder. Is there some sort of casual link that goes Vasectomy -> Loss Of Sexual Attraction -> Divorce. Whether that loss of wifely attraction comes from a biological or psychological basis doesn’t really matter, though it would be interesting to find out.
More importantly… why hasn’t this been studied?