Follow Up: Vasectomy Causing Loss Of Wife’s Sexual Interest?

I still don’t have any hard science with numbers to back up this wondering, but there have been a couple of comments on the original post that I find interesting….
Comment One: “I was one of those small percentages that suffers horribly, and I can attest that it does in fact ruin your life. If you had a vasectomy with no ill effects, just count yourself lucky, and move on. I would give everything I own, every cent, to go back in time and NOT do a vasectomy.”
Comment Two: “I’ve long wondered the same thing – but not in the sense that her body could ultimately sense the sterile semen. My intuition is that the knowledge (in her frontal lobe) of your sterility could creep into or influence her hindbrain and cause her attraction to switch off (i.e., her hindbrain would see you as substantially less alpha).”
Comment Three: “After mine I found a tremendous increase in sex drive. I don’t think it was entirely due to being able to raw dog; I think it also had to do with the overall chemistry occurring with the sperm staying in the body. Like the body wanted to do it more to make sure some got out. Disclaimer: I had a bit of ball pain with mine, but it only lasted a year or two. Disclaimer #2: I’m now divorced. I think the reversal after divorce is for obvious reasons: you want a child with the new partner. I’m too old for that (can’t stand younger women – they don’t get my jokes)”
Note his Disclaimer #2.
Comment Four: “I’m repulsed by my husbands vasectomy and not for fertility reasons he feels like less of a man to me incomplete etc.”
Comment Five: “My love button has been turned off since my husband’s vasectomy. Sex just isn’t what it used to be. I loved the way he would squirt all over me and now it just drops off the end. It’s like going to watch fireworks and awaiting the grand finale…but you get one of those little streamer kinds. It is disappointing. He no longer smells like he did either. He would walk by and I could get so turned on by his scent and now, it seems like it’s gone. I can’t even smell it on his clothes like I did when doing laundry. I used to get turned on doing his laundry! Since his vasectomy, things have gone downhill sexually and just between us. I vividly remember him coming through the door after his vasectomy procedure and he seemed different to me. In fact, I almost instantly started looking at and lusting for other men. How do you explain that?
You bet it’s biology. Now I’m disconnected and looking for answers. We have 3 kids and certainly don’t want more. Vasectomy is just so sad in the end. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Don’t do it. You will get more sex before the procedure!!!I’m loyal and I want to stay together but I also don’t want to stay in a relationship with sex that doesn’t turn me on.I can see why this could lead to divorce. I just want the man I couldn’t get enough of back.Vasectomy took him away. We’re together and all…It’s just different now.Hard to explain but living it”
Comment Six: “My Ex boyfriend got a vasectomy in the beginning of our relationship by his own choice before we decided to get serious. After it was done, he had lots of pain, and ultimately an infection in one of the tubes, that he had to take antibiotics for. After that, I completely lost interest in him sexually, consciencely knowing he didn’t produce any sperm. Forget marriage to a man I couldn’t have a family with either, hence him now being my EX boyfriend. I think it ruined it for me because in my mind, if he wasn’t fertile, he wasn’t worth it. I know it sounds terrible, But that’s honestly how I felt.”
So all I’m saying here is that it makes me wonder. Is there some sort of casual link that goes Vasectomy -> Loss Of Sexual Attraction -> Divorce. Whether that loss of wifely attraction comes from a biological or psychological basis doesn’t really matter, though it would be interesting to find out.
More importantly… why hasn’t this been studied?

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Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    my husband's mother left his father after he got vasectomy. she started sleeping around and married the new guy who got her pregnant. she became Catholic and staunchly against birth control. she had 4 kids with the 2nd husband. my father in law definitely feels like less of a man, especially when his wife started making babies with another man. he has never gotten over her either. I would never support my husband getting a vasectomy. I married a man and I want him to stay that way!

  2. Athol Kay says:

    Thanks for the comment Anon.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Very interesting. My hubby had a vasectomy 4-5 years ago – we BOTH discussed it extensively and both wanted it. Neither of us wanted children and birth control and I did not agree.

    Prior to the vasectomy we had sex minimum once per day, after vasectomy nothing has changed. Going on 8 years together and we get down and dirty minimum once per day if not more.

    He did not have any problems with his op (we had sex with in 24 hours) and have never looked back.

    I prefer the taste and smell of his seamen and have not noticed any difference in the amount either.

    One for the other side :)

  4. Athol Kay says:

    Oh I'm not saying vasectomy can't work out just fine, I just have the strong feeling that it's not as perfect as it's eplained to be.

    The "other side" basically says it's about as risky as getting your teeth cleaned…

  5. Anonymous says:

    Indeed … but then neither is the contraceptive pill … take one for the team, the woman's team that is ;)

    These women goin' on about their men not being men "after" obviously did not have men to begin with.

  6. Anonymous says:

    I think the issue should be studied, along with a host of other men's issues. It is equally likely that something changes in the minds of the men, changing their behavior and resulting in other changes.

  7. CH says:

    SciAm says:

    "As the authors predicted, the number of sperm in the girlfriends’ flowbacks increased significantly the longer it had been since the boyfriend’s last masturbation — even after the researchers controlled for the relative volume of seminal fluid emission as a function of time since last ejaculation (the longer it had been, the more ejaculate was present)."

    The researchers hypothesized that was "because adult human males manufacture a whopping 3 million sperm per day, [so] masturbation is an evolved strategy for shedding old sperm while making room for new, fitter sperm."

  8. Matt says:

    It could be that women who have already lost interest in their husbands pressure them to get a vasectomy because they want to make sure they do not have children with the men they are no longer interested in. It might be that a wife asking you to get a vasectomy is often a sign that she doesn't want to have sex with you anymore and not a cause.

    BTW – I enjoy your blog even though I'm not married I want to be happily so some day.

  9. Anonymous says:

    It would seem women who think their other half is "less of a man" did not think too deeply of them to begin with. Most likely to be looking to other men, if not already having an affair.

    If a man takes the responsibility of having a vasectomy for the reason of being able to support his family. That makes the man "more of a man" So what does that make her?

  10. Anonymous says:

    Women losing their sexual drive is most likely caused by being on facebook all day

  11. Anonymous says:

    My wife asked me to have a vasectomy after the birth of our second child. Her reason was that she did not want the risk of having her tubes tied (I never asked for this). That was 22 years ago. We haven't had sex since because of her refusals. For 18 years I didn't look at another woman partly because my sexual self esteem sank too low but also because I believe in marriage. I was a virgin at marriage, by choice but I was also relieved to get married. Boarding school, Engineering and business degrees with apprenticeships in manufacturing towns 200 miles from home don't make for a woman rich environment. My wife was a former world travelling hippy who probably had over 10 partners. She became a nightmare of passive aggressive attacks and made a nightmare out of bringing up our children who both have mental problems. However, divorce was not on my list. I was there to protect my children, somewhat.

    After I came home from hospital with a diagnosis of glaucoma and she had never accompanied me to hospital or even asked me a single question during the 9 months that it was developing, I divorced her inside my head. I went mad for two years and slept with over 20 prostitutes. I travel on business; I have money. Treat such women with respect and they give it back 5 times over. I had always gone running ut never lost weight. I went to the gym. I lost 16 kgs. 6 kg came back as muscle. My testosterone and self confidence grew massively. My business prospered as never before (losses ceased). It became so that it felt that I could simply point and any woman over 25ish would pay attention to me. I now have a girlfriend 25 years younger than I am and easily an 8. Of course she is divorced with a child. (But I am probably an 8 too; my wife was a 6). I rather regret the other women in between now. We haven't had sex. We have known each other for 4 years but she was so much younger than me that she was not my target at the time. I also suspect that she is very inhibited with men because of trust issues after being dumped by her husband and only previous lover (according to her sister).

    But I still have the fucking vasectomy and at 59 I am sure it isn't reversible. What is the real success rate of reversals of long standing vasectomies? Less than 1% I believe. I have this fear that my girlfriend will just switch off if I can't make her pregnant. NEVER have a vasectomy.

  12. Athol Kay says:

    Great comment Anon.

    The next step is to see a urologist that specializes in vasectomy reversals and see what the chances actually are. Then you can make a decision with a few more facts. But really do shop around for a specialist in reversals.

    Also some of this may be in your head too. Your girlfriend may not be as keen to have a kid as you think. Also you've already starting thinking about kids / surgical proceedures / life together with a woman you both haven't had sex with and you believe is very sexually inhibited.

    So sounds like you have a little Oneitis / are in love / baby fever… and there's a few red flags as well. I'm not saying dump her by any means, just be a little cautious with yourself.

    Otherwise it sounds as you've got your stuff really together. Love does seek to make fools of us all.

  13. MindSpeak76 says:

    A lot of good comments here.

    So my wife and i have 4 kids, and 7 years married. I'm an Alpha/Beta mix male with our interactions. I brought up a little while back, that i thought we should not have any more children. I could see the stress and "wear" on my stay at home wife, and frankly it worried me for her sake, the kids sake, and mine.

    So, i offered to have a vasectomy done. Wow, i was really surprised by her response. She doesn't want me to do it in any way shape or form! She claimed it was because she felt we should have another child, but could it be possible she also recognised that i might be stripping away Alpha features? I think so. Even if subconsciously. Instead she offered to use an IUD, which would leave better options if we want another child.

    Who knows if it's mental or physical, but either way it seems like there is a definite difference when it happens. For both parties. After reading this, i'm keeping my equipment intact.

    Thanks again for a great post.

  14. Athol Kay says:

    That's an interesting reaction MindSpeak76. Like I do keep saying, all I have is a hunch that many men/couples suffer because of it. It's just pretty permanent if you go that route though.

  15. buy viagra says:

    After vasectomy, the most common condition that men report is an inability to become aroused. Apart from that, once an erection is finally achieved, it often fades away prior to ejaculation.

  16. Anonymous says:

    My husband is talking about having a vasectomy after our second baby is born. I'm trying to discourage it, but he hasn't really asked my opinion. I won't deny that I want the door open to have a third baby later on, but that's not something I intend to force on him, just an option I want to keep open. There is something very unsexy about the idea of a guy destroying his fertility on purpose. I've been reading your blog from beginning to end these last couple of weeks, and like you said, Athol… what is good for making and raising babies is sexy. Destroying your fertility for any reasons that are not directly medically/health related (say, testicular cancer) is not sexy. A large part of my brain fails to see the point of sex if there isn't a risk of getting pregnant. Yes, it feels good and is great for keeping the relationship strong, but my biological clock insists that, ultimately, sex is for procreation. If there's no chance at procreating, or if I didn't want any more babies, the logical thing to do is abstain from having sex, not neuter yourself for the cause. Its like saying, "I'm tired of nursing babies, I'm going to have my breasts removed because I don't want to risk having to breast feed another one." It just doesn't make sense.

    Our marriage is not in the best of places anyway, and I am terrified that if he goes through with a vasectomy, I am going to find myself not only not-turned-on by him, but completely repulsed. I'm glad you've posted these things about vasectomies in here, because he is under the illusion that it is a tiny procedure that will take five minutes and absolutely never has any complications. I will be definitely encouraging him to do a little research on the topic before he goes through with it, so if he does decide to take the plunge, at least its a fully informed decision.

    As a side note – I love your blog. I am not generally a blog-reader, but you've provided answers to a lot of questions I've had in the past several years about what doesn't feel "right" in my marriage. I was beginning to give up hope and think that divorce or a miserable married life were the only two options, and now I am starting to regain hope that we can fuck like rabbits again, and just be generally happy like we used to be. When I finally catch up, this blog will be on my daily check-list of things I do on the internet. :)

  17. Anonymous says:

    An amend to the comment I just posted…
    *If I don't want any more babies, the logical thing to do is to abstain from collecting a sperm deposit during my fertile days each month. I am not a big believer in birth control pills or medications, but I guess really, something that just interrupts your fertility is much, much better than destroying it. After this baby, my birth control options are going to be thoroughly researched, if my husband doesn't get cut.

  18. Athol Kay says:

    Talk to him about it anon.

  19. Anonymous says:

    Reading all these answers I have to say it's different for everybody. I got one, had no problems, minimal pain that was gone in a week, as horny as ever, ejaculate the same volume etc, like nothing changed! I was, however, careful to find the best damn doctor in the area for it!

  20. Anonymous says:

    I'm in what what the 9/1/11 Anonymous said…

    My volume is the same, my orgasms are just as intense. No pain, no problems. Everything works fine.

  21. Anon says:

    My husband had a vasectomy after baby 2, though I was against it. Rather, I understood it intellectually. It made sense for money. But I wanted kids. I wanted more kids. I still do. And I am very sad. I can’t lie. There has been a drop in my attraction to him. And depression on my end. And I probably can’t ever have another baby in this situation. I am so sad. I am so sad about this, and the sex is still there. I don’t know really what to do, how to feel about this…
    That said, your site is amazing and right on the ball. Reading some of the posts gets me happy/hot/hopeful.

  22. Forgotten love says:

    Prior to getting married, my wife and I agreed on 1 to maybe 2 kids at most. We were blessed with two wonderful saughters before the age of thirty. After our second, my wife talked me into the vasectomy after her OBGYN disclaimed the risk of getting her tubes tied. The decision was not tough for me as I looked forward to raising two wonderful kids and then enjoying some of the material things in life we missed from having our first child months after graduation from college. I make plenty of money now and see an end to the debt we racked up living pay check to pay check from living expenses, medical bills, etc… My wife on the other hand, changed her mind day of the procedure and I ignored her wishes since my mind was made up. The procedure was successful and easier than expected outside of the mental angst prior and there have been no complications post surgery. The emotions felt by my wife have been another story all together. She has been in baby mode ever since, with many close friends now having their first or second child. She has almost lost her sex drive completely and is repulsed by the fact that I am no longer fertile. In front of the kids we put on a show and deep down we love each other, but I can not live the rest of my life with someone who can not reciprocate passion. We now have rare moments where sparks fly reminiscent of our past, but they end all too soon as she is inundated with Facebook photos, tv shows, magazines, books, and friends all reminding her of the finality of “my” decision as she slips back into her depression. It has been almost two years since the procedure and I do not know the answer. As much as I love her, I do not want to have any more children. Sometimes I feel that if we didn’t already have kids she would have left and I would have made little effort to change her mind. The hardest part for me, I feel the same as when we were dating, got married and had kids. Through unexpected challenges we made it through together until now. If she can not be happy now with our two girls and comfortable life, why does getting a reversal and having another child make any sense?

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