The Social Nuclear Bomb: What To Do When You Catch Your Wife Cheating

So… assuming you’re following along the first and second post about what to do if another man is gaining traction on your wife, we’re up to the part where you’ve unveiled that you know what is going on and you have some sort of documented proof that she’s up to no good and you’ve sprung it on her.
The thing to know is that they will almost always agree in the moment you say you know about it all to break it all off and return to you. This is typically a very genuine reaction in the moment. She’s not trying to lie. What happens is The Time Before Writing “Oh SHIT!” software routine gets run and she immediately becomes docile and submissive to avoid being killed by an jealously enraged mate. However as I have pointed out before she is still emotionally hooked into the whole experience with the other man and riding the Dopamine roller coaster.
So she’s possibly going to try and wiggle out and go back and somehow keep seeing him. Also remember that the other man is doing the same Dopamine roller coaster thing as well and is going to want to try and keep seeing her. Plus your darling wife probably painted you as some sort of monster / asshole / total loser to him, so he’s possibly got it in his mind that he needs to rescue your wife from you on some level. Which is all based on her lies and his delusions of course. So you need to keep both of them apart.
At this point your surveillance is going to need to intensify on a direct face to face manner and you’re going to have to step up things on a sort of “supervise the prisoner” sort of level. She will have to be completely open about where she is, who she is with, what she is doing and on a case by case basis you may have to alter some of her commitments. If this all happened via a gym membership, she needs to find a new gym. Via church group, gotta find a new group. Via online group, she can’t go back. Via job, well this can be tricky… but if possible a new job or transfer can be very helpful. You’re dealing with an addict and she still can’t be trusted.
Ideally this sort of additional control is a short term thing until her feelings subside. This may be a few months and generally I advise additional professional help with this. You tend to be getting emotionally involved and it’s hard to maintain perspective without help. Also at some point you will need to relax this level of control as eventually the control itself will become a sticking point and cause problems. Once the in love feelings subside and the wife sees her prior love interest in the cold light of day she can often experience acute embarrassment and even revulsion for him. (I’m sure you’ve all experienced something similar for someone you’ve fallen out of love with at some point in your life).
Now if this isn’t working and she continues to have contact with him, you simply step it up to the next level. Which means that everyone that has an influence over her gets to see the documentation of the inappropriate behavior along with your request to ask them to talk sense into her. And by everyone I mean; her parents, her siblings, her friends… basically anyone with influence. The important thing is that this isn’t framed as “your daughter is a frakking whore and here’s proof of your little whore whoring”, but as “I’m willing to go to counseling and work on things, but she has refused to stop seeing him or work on this with me, I don’t want to divorce her, but obviously this just can’t continue. I want to save our marriage and life together, but she isn’t listening to me, can you please talk to her.”
And naturally if the other man has a wife or girlfriend, you inform her of everything as well. No point letting him sleep easily Seriously, fuck him over as well as you can with proof. No hitting though… which is a pity, but there we go.
So anyway, telling everyone brings it all out into the open and the light. If that doesn’t break her cheating then nothing will and I firmly advise you to just get STD tested yourself and divorce her without flinching. Do be careful about telling your family about her cheating though, for some reason even after you have moved on and forgiven and healed your marriage, your family will hate her for all eternity and that may cause longer term problems.

Comments

  1. Hughman says:

    Or alternatively dumb the cheating whore, child custody issues aside?

  2. Athol Kay says:

    Yeah I kinda covered the obvious option of dumping in the second post. The choice to just say "all done sorry" or try and salvage things is pretty personal and so case specific I don't really have advice.

    I'm not going to give the "for the children" speech or anything like that. If a one time incident is your tipping point, then fine, I get it, just get a good lawyer. But by the same token some marriages recover from long affairs as well. So my advice is for those willing to have a crack at it.

    Also emotional affairs are far more hopeful to repair than physical ones, but the tactics to recover from them are basically the same.

  3. Ms Lacrymosa says:

    Supervise the prisoner??? Dump the whore? You're dealing with an addict? The choice of expressions to describe these women in this blog and its comments is disturbing this evening!

    What if the male in the frame is some sort of monster/ asshole/ total loser anyway?

    They are out there- and married to women staying for the children or similar reasons. If he was capable of that level of genuine interest and control in the first place, the female partner wouldn't likely be inclined to seek out other company for emotional or physical affairs. Stable door and horse bolted comes to mind.

    I get the fact that these blogs have been about dopamine and pleasure seeking.Some guys are just not capable of a level of control or interest in their partners to elicit that reaction- they're the ones who would gain most from the rest of the MMSL blog, I guess ;)

  4. Athol Kay says:

    The male could very well be awful I agree, however the complete rescripting of the relationship is an extremely common tactic used by cheaters.

    I realize much of what I'm talking about is brutal in nature, but this is the nature of cheating at it's heart. The cheater doesn't have to cheat, they can just leave.

    I've already said earlier in this series of posts the male has probably screwed up in his approach to his wife if she is out looking.

    For what it's worth I've spent an hour or today so defending myself on another blog for even suggesting that trying to save a marriage is worth the effort. The consensus being there that a cheating woman should come home to her bags on the front porch and the locks changed.

    If cheating and associated drama were all daisys and charm I'd write about it that way.

  5. R. Stanton Scott says:

    I agree that the discourse here is disturbing, mostly because the techniques (e.g., spying, "supervise the prisoner") you suggest indicate an objectification of women–that is, that wives belong to their husband in some way as a piece of property.

  6. Athol Kay says:

    What's disturbing is that the cheating partner will lie, lie some more, and then lie more heavily again to get to see the other man / other woman, despite having said they would break it off.

    You absolutely need them to be openly accountable for their whereabouts and activities while they are breaking free of the emotional hold of the lover. It's kind of a limited time probation period.

    Seriously the level of deceit a cheating spouse can get into is so unbelievably extreme you will be driven towards this sort of thing as distasteful as it seems.

  7. The cheating parties never see this coming, and if they do, they dont give it much thought until its too late, if there are children involved, in marrige, one partner(the cheater) is always going to be looked at in some kind of negative way)by the children, with a possible reputation, around town of being a home wrecker .Whats going to be hurting for the cheather is the children will be calling another man or woman mom or dad, they will be out of the picture, when in fact it is them who should be the only mom or dad. After the dust settles and the cheater loses everything they thought was dear to them, you have but one question asked to them,” Was your fries on the side worth your family?” Now they are left with the thought of “what was”,” what could of been”,” what isnt”. And they have only them selves to blame.

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