So… assuming you’re following along the first and second post about what to do if another man is gaining traction on your wife, we’re up to the part where you’ve unveiled that you know what is going on and you have some sort of documented proof that she’s up to no good and you’ve sprung it on her.
The thing to know is that they will almost always agree in the moment you say you know about it all to break it all off and return to you. This is typically a very genuine reaction in the moment. She’s not trying to lie. What happens is The Time Before Writing “Oh SHIT!” software routine gets run and she immediately becomes docile and submissive to avoid being killed by an jealously enraged mate. However as I have pointed out before she is still emotionally hooked into the whole experience with the other man and riding the Dopamine roller coaster.
So she’s possibly going to try and wiggle out and go back and somehow keep seeing him. Also remember that the other man is doing the same Dopamine roller coaster thing as well and is going to want to try and keep seeing her. Plus your darling wife probably painted you as some sort of monster / asshole / total loser to him, so he’s possibly got it in his mind that he needs to rescue your wife from you on some level. Which is all based on her lies and his delusions of course. So you need to keep both of them apart.
At this point your surveillance is going to need to intensify on a direct face to face manner and you’re going to have to step up things on a sort of “supervise the prisoner” sort of level. She will have to be completely open about where she is, who she is with, what she is doing and on a case by case basis you may have to alter some of her commitments. If this all happened via a gym membership, she needs to find a new gym. Via church group, gotta find a new group. Via online group, she can’t go back. Via job, well this can be tricky… but if possible a new job or transfer can be very helpful. You’re dealing with an addict and she still can’t be trusted.
Ideally this sort of additional control is a short term thing until her feelings subside. This may be a few months and generally I advise additional professional help with this. You tend to be getting emotionally involved and it’s hard to maintain perspective without help. Also at some point you will need to relax this level of control as eventually the control itself will become a sticking point and cause problems. Once the in love feelings subside and the wife sees her prior love interest in the cold light of day she can often experience acute embarrassment and even revulsion for him. (I’m sure you’ve all experienced something similar for someone you’ve fallen out of love with at some point in your life).
Now if this isn’t working and she continues to have contact with him, you simply step it up to the next level. Which means that everyone that has an influence over her gets to see the documentation of the inappropriate behavior along with your request to ask them to talk sense into her. And by everyone I mean; her parents, her siblings, her friends… basically anyone with influence. The important thing is that this isn’t framed as “your daughter is a frakking whore and here’s proof of your little whore whoring”, but as “I’m willing to go to counseling and work on things, but she has refused to stop seeing him or work on this with me, I don’t want to divorce her, but obviously this just can’t continue. I want to save our marriage and life together, but she isn’t listening to me, can you please talk to her.”
And naturally if the other man has a wife or girlfriend, you inform her of everything as well. No point letting him sleep easily Seriously, fuck him over as well as you can with proof. No hitting though… which is a pity, but there we go.
So anyway, telling everyone brings it all out into the open and the light. If that doesn’t break her cheating then nothing will and I firmly advise you to just get STD tested yourself and divorce her without flinching. Do be careful about telling your family about her cheating though, for some reason even after you have moved on and forgiven and healed your marriage, your family will hate her for all eternity and that may cause longer term problems.