I’m a regular reader. Great blog. Here’s my question: When spooning, what is the dominant or alpha position, the “outside”, holding her in a protective embrace, or the “inside”, with her clinging to you like the bun on a hot dog? I used to think the outside was dominant, but now I’m not so sure. Sometimes it makes me feel like a hanger-on, like I’m behind her and she’s leading the way, so to speak.
It can kind of get into a second guessing sort of thing, so try not to over think it. It’s not so much the position of your bodies together, but which side of the bed you’re on / who announced the cuddling. If you cuddle up to her, you’re implying that she is dominant. If she cuddles up to you, you are more dominant.
However you can also be dominant by telling her to come to you, or telling her you’re coming over to her side of the bed. There’s some obvious dominance in sliding over to her side of the bed and simply saying “spoons” and prompting her to roll over by gently pushing on her hip.
The only one I’d really watch for is her laying on her back and you laying your head on her shoulder. That’s kind of “little boy needs his mom” weak to me. We do like the opposite where she lays her head on my shoulder though. She just fits into me so well with my arm around her. If you caught a hint of a double standard there, that’s because there is one. I’d apologize but I’m obnoxious.
Taking this further – I quite like the woman on top sexual positions, it’s easy to last a while and I get to relax in it and touch Jennifer anywhere I want to. However it objectively appears to be a dominant position for the woman. The differences being that (1) I usually tell her to get on top of me and she complies and (2) I can bench press her.
As I’ve moved into more Alpha behavior I have tended to finish on top of her far more frequently though and increased the roughness to levels of pounding rated “this is consensual right?” Bonus points for making the bed squeak and a slapping sound as our bodies come together. She’s cuddly after those sort of sessions to the point of almost being clingy. At least I think she might be, I usually just get that Oxytocin / Vasopressin surge right afterwards and take a short nap. I guess I really have no clue what she does after I’m finished with her.
So anyway, don’t over think it. Just make a move / direct her to make a move on you. Personally I’m terrible at spooning onto Jennifer anyway – I always end up hard and then I can’t sleep until we fix the problem.
Jennifer and I work for the same employer, though different departments. There’s basically no overlap but once in a while we run into each other at work… as we did today.
Truthfully this was not some grand sweeping off the feet passionate moment, but we did publicly kiss and make a little small talk with each other. There were several playful “break that up”, “no kissing” and “ewww” comments from the female peanut gallery.
So I kissed her again and lightly gamed her with very gentle teasing. After all the real issue isn’t a tasteful PDA, it’s that they are jealous, so I underlined that.
After all there’s nothing like making other women jealous to strengthen the Preselection effect.
Thirteen hour day so defaulting to a great success story email.
My wife and I are in our early 40s, for what it’s worth…
I was lucky enough (or unlucky enough) to marry up – my wife’s natural sex rank is at least a point higher than mine. This meant that when things were going well I was the luckiest guy in the world, but more often than not it meant sex was a cause of friction. Fortunately we’re both fiercely loyal people, so cheating has never been a concern, but we’ve had cyclical stints in our 14 year marriage where sex became very infrequent (once a month or less) and would cause enough friction to discuss the D word.
The last couple of years had been the worst we’ve seen. My wife decided to get back into shape after a decade of frustration over her post-kids body. At the same time, my income cratered in the Great Recession. I was working longer hours than ever, making less money, and somewhere along the line had stopped working out. I didn’t realize it, but she was growing more frustrated by the day. This caused her to act ever more “high maintenance”, and I continued to back off. Knowing that my actions would be wrong (whatever they were), I stopped taking action. By Christmas 2009 we had achieved the ultimate unhealthy relationship.
Sex-wise, my wife had become hotter than ever. I wanted sex, and asked for it, almost every night but she rarely complied; most nights I could hardly sleep due to my raging desire and blue-balls! But the thought of not seeing my kids was unbearable, so I decided to stay put as long as she would let me. Then, suddenly and completely by accident, things changed.
One day in January I got mad enough at myself for being such a wimp in such a bad situation. I vowed not to ask for sex anymore. My bedtime routine became a beer, a benadryl, and my tight-fitting workout boxer briefs. It seemed lame, but I was able to stop pawing at her and get some sleep! I also forced myself to stop caring whether or not she approved of my actions, especially regarding the kids. I became a better dad and a little more alpha in our relationship – not by strategy but by truly not caring anymore.
The next month I started working out again. Not for any sex or alpha or relationship reason, but just as a way to get back into shape and to relieve some stress.
It didn’t take long for our relationship to change. We started having sex again, and then having it more frequently. It became less of an ‘event’ and instead a more natural evolution of what we were feeling.
Later in the spring somebody introduced me to your blog, and I started trying different ideas ‘on purpose’ instead of by accident. One night I declared that pajama pants are no longer allowed in our bed – a nightie or t-shirt with a thong would be sufficient. I’m not sure what I expected, and I didn’t have a backup plan in place for when she said no, but she complied. Occasionally, while we were cleaning up after dinner, I would let her know what she could expect later that night.. Those nice always ended perfectly! My boldest demand came on a night when she was in bed before me and comfortably snuggled up reading her book. I told her if she wants to continue reading her book, she would have to read it standing up and bent over the bed, resting on her elbows. Believe me, that scene, with her wearing a cami and thong… let’s just say we’ll have to repeat that one!
Anyway – we’re now a very happy and healthy couple. We have sex a couple times a week, sometimes more, and the sex is better than it’s been in years. We have more fun together outside the bedroom too – more friendship, more respect, more enjoyment. Life is good. (and so is your advice!) Thank you!
Things were heading towards the right direction before he came across the blog, but he was doing the same principles I suggest so it’s another win for the theory. There is no instant fix, but these basic ideas are straightforward and simple. As long as you don’t leave it too long, getting your stride back is very possible.
Great job, keep it up!
“So … are you writing the book I’m looking for? PUA techniques for the monogamous?
I can’t remember the damn name or author of the PUA book I read, but I have you to thank for turning me onto such material. It all seems so very easy to dismiss as ignorant trash. It’s the relationship equivalent of Amway … yet, if you actually do it, it works. Results are hard to argue with.
Love the blog. Consider a webcast. I’m assuming that I don’t have to remind you that there is no lack of interest, and your target audience will certainly be available as they are not in bed with their wives or girlfriends.
Best of luck Athol.”
Yes indeed I am writing it.
I’ve had a number of things come together in my real life that are basically forcing me to get it written over the next month. Work may or may not get rough in about a months time and if it does get rough I may not have mental energy to really get it done this year. I’ve also been not working extra hours so much this year, and while we aren’t going under we aren’t going up either. So I just have to plow ahead on it.
In a sense I’ve been writing it from the beginning of the year anyway, so right now I’m basically doing a huge cut and paste job from the blog into something more structured as a first draft. After that it’s a few runs of editing and polishing from that. To be honest there won’t be very much “new” in the book, just vastly more coherent and understandable with the action plan better defined. The blog is fun, but leaps around topics a little much. A book is a different format. I’m hoping to be done with the writing phase by the end of August.
After that it seems to be about another month to get it published. I’m leaning towards self-publishing via CreateSpace the Amazon.com owned print on demand outfit. So all things going to plan I’m hoping for October 1st publication. Maybe I’m an old fuddy duddy but I need to hold an actual book in my hand rather than simply eBook and I love Amazon.
Also my target audience is as much female as male. I have slightly more female readers than male on the blog as it is. Wives are going to buy it for their husbands to use on them anyway. Women want to be seduced.
I’ll probably branch to webcasts eventually. For now I have to get the book done as without a marketable product it’s all just a fun hobby but not a Display of Higher Value to Jennifer. As far as I can work the numbers, about 1000 sales would be break even point, and 2000 would be quite happy. I’ll not lie and say that I haven’t done the fantasy estate planning for royalties though. And while I do thrill to saved marriages I am in it for the money. But a book is only 1/20000th the cost of a divorce and if I get you laid even a couple times more then it plays out on the Hooker Math front as well. So it’s win-win.
What would be helpful though is a few more reader stories. I want to have a chapter of “reports from the field” describing things that worked. I also find reader questions extremely helpful as well, they often seem to trigger a post. I’m at firstname.lastname@example.org. And please don’t keep me a secret!
Also today I passed the 100,000 visitor mark, and I’m poised to beat the 250,000 page view mark in a few hours. I’m by no means a big blog as yet, but it’s an exciting beginning for just seven months. I am very grateful for the amount of visitors that have swung by.
With much love.
You can read the whole tale at Talk About Marriage, but I couldn’t help laughing at the cluelessness of the husband on this one.
“I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 2. We broke up after 4 years for 1 year, when he started making me less of a priority, so I left. We hardly have sex anymore maybe once every 3 months. I cant get him to do a thing of “man-like duties” around the house. Example for the past 6 months the outlet I use to charge my cell phone every night has become loose and the cord falls out of the outlet and I wake up to a dead cell phone, also the under cabinet lighting he installed (That he NEEDED) and been falling for over 3 years, I asked him to fix these things and he will either refuse, tell me I should figure out how to do myself because he is not my personal handyman, or tells me I better hire an electrician (HE IS AN ELECTRICIAN!!!..WE HAVE THE PARTS IN THE GARAGE!!) He is never romantic I will ask him what he loves about me, because honestly after 9 years i don’t know why. He tells me he loves my unconditional love for him…which is a nice way to say I put up with his crap”
I’ll stop the story there, but you can easily guess the rest of it – she works with this guy and… so what should I do? I love my husband but I’m not in love with him. Yada yada yada.
I’ve posted in the past about fixing up things around the house. However a professional electrician that can’t fix the wiring in their own house may well be just too developmentally delayed to salvage.
Fixing unsafe electrical wiring is a Reasonable Request and he’s bumping back on it like it’s a Fitness Test. Consequence: He’s a total jerk. Outlook: Attorneys and Masturbation.
And yes, she’s probably nagging him like a sore tooth. But this is all a cautionary tale about how a First Officer will mutiny on a bad Captain. She’s turned into the de facto Captain and he’s defaulting to a crappy crewman. Plus all this acts as a counterpoint to much of what is being written on Game, he’s going to get the boot not simply because he isn’t Alpha enough – but because he also isn’t Beta enough.
Seriously. Fix an outlet cover, get laid and stay married. What’s so hard?
I did a quick shopping run this morning for hash browns, sausage and waffles. I do love a cooked breakfast. Before I left I told Jennifer where I was going and what I was buying and asked if she wanted coffee as well (Medium Hazelnut Light and Sweet – know your woman’s preferences) and I got the gooey eyed look from her. But then it’s early morning and she needed to wash her face properly before I could get a heart-all-fuzzy look.
Then I made my move… I pawed at her leg like a puppy wanting something. She laughed and said she’d cook.
“Yay! Being playful gets me what I want! Plus you need to get up anyway.”
A reader question…
“I stumbled across your blog a few months ago, and I’ve really appreciated your advice. I’m sure you get plenty of blog post ideas, but I thought of a question that I don’t think I’ve seen you cover before. How do you handle occasional nagging? Even more tricky, how do you handle a reasonable request that’s delivered in a nagging way.
My wife doesn’t nag very much; it’s one of the things I love about her. But occasionally she will, and I usually get blindsided by it. It’s easier to respond to a ridiculous request by making a joke of it (and not complying). The hard ones are when the request is probably something I should be doing ( rinsing off dinner plates, carrying stuff upstairs, etc), but it’s given in a very naggy way, as if I’m a child.
I suppose the first thing to do is make sure I am pulling my weight around the house, especially with the man’s chores. But we all slip up now and then. Any advice on how to respond, possibly comply with the request, and still show some Alpha traits?”
Ah this is a tricky one. She’s “right” in that they are reasonable requests, but “wrong” with the tone and demeaning attitude. So even if you comply you lose, and you lose if you don’t do it. She loses as well because she has to nag you to get it done, or if she doesn’t it doesn’t happen.
So you have to reframe the whole situation.
Firstly I’d just draw her attention to the fact that (1) you understand and agree something needs to be done, and (2) that nagging happened and now you’re both getting trapped in the dynamic of nagging that is lose-lose.
So then you ask her to repeat the request to you pleasantly. One option for this is starting with a 10 second kiss, or hugging etc. This usually calms you both down and takes the nag / venom out of the reasonable request. If she asks nice you go do it. If she refuses to ask pleasantly, you don’t complete the task, or get to it when you have time. Nagging is rude and why would you provide good service to rude people.
The other option for her asking you to complete reasonable requests is to have her cup her breasts and to lift them up and lightly smoosh them together as she asks her request. Studies have shown that for fully covered females this is 57% more effective than female on male nagging for task completion, and tasks are completed on average 37 days earlier. For for revealing tops this increases to 87% more effective and averages 93 days earlier. Unfortunately the data for topless females is incomplete as the research was halted to start a multitude of landscaping and remodeling projects.
Escalation is escalation of physical touch on a woman, or as better known in PUA lingo as Kino Escalation. In pick ups the idea is you start small and work up towards more intimate areas of her body. So a touch on the forearm builds comfort, a gentle tap on the knee, a quick brush with your hand on her back, picking off fake lint are all easy and inoffensive. After that you can bridge with longer touches, hand holding, arm around her waist, kissing, yada yada yada until you inch towards the inside of her wet panties.
Except in a marriage there’s really no worry that you can’t get to do all that as you’ve probably done the touchdown dance hundreds, thousands or even tens of thousands of times already. So sometimes you forget to do it completely. Oops.
The other way you can ramp things up is verbal Instigation. In a pick up this is more of a foreshadowing tactic. When you are chatting some one up, if you then mention in passing that you’re going to hit on them shortly, this creates both an expectation that you will hit on them, plus it creates compliance by making them active rather than passive in that they don’t walk away.
After you hit on them, you mention you both should get together some time. Later in the conversation you ask her out. Or say that your think her breasts are amazing and you don’t know if you can last five minutes without trying to touch them. If she stands there and keeps talking to you for another five minutes…
“You know when we have sex together, it’s going to be amazing, I can just tell.” See there’s nothing she has to do now, you’re not actually dropping your pants and lunging the bayonet in her direction. You’re just setting an expectation and making it clear what you want. If she sticks around she’s interested at least partially.
Except in a marriage there’s really no worry that you can’t get to do all that as you’ve probably done the touchdown dance hundreds, thousands or even tens of thousands of times already. So sometimes you forget to do it completely. Oops again.
So back to basics….
Talk to her.
But here’s the trick, you need to Isolate her, pull her out from the herd a little. “Wanna take a walk?” As long as you’re isolated together so she isn’t more public than she feels comfortable, you can pretty much do anything you want with a wife. She’s been to the show so to speak, season tickets so to speak. Isolation is important as if you’re more public than she feels comfortable with, whether that’s in front of the kids, or parents, or at the mall, or the beach, if you grab at her or say something suggestive it will kick in her Anti-Slut Defense and it will all take a step backwards. Welcome to the look that says “die in a fire”. (You know the one!)
The other half of the trick is to Escalate and Instigate randomly and “en passant”. As soon as you have an opportunity to lightly spank her butt, or nuzzle a neck, or kiss, or flirt, or tease, or oogle or simply drool a messy “ooooooooooh” at her, you do it. No hesitation, just do it, if you wait too long the moment is gone and you look silly trying to regain the moment. And then you don’t stick around too long. Kiss her deep and good and then grin and walk off to whatever it was you were doing.
The attempt to close for sex on her comes when you meet all three elements together in the same moment. You’re alone together, touching her in a sexual / intimate way and you’re saying that it’s the sexy time now. Until then you’re just playing with her and not attempting to have sex.
I did NOT have this album by Tiffany. Never happened. No no no no no.
Good day to you sir.
I said GOOD DAY.
Edit: Changed the video to a more recent live version of Tiffany singing on a British Show. I like the MILF thing lol.
It’s abundantly clear from a pure biological standpoint that humans are not designed to be purely monogamous. A reading of any of the basic evolutionary psych primers will get you to that understanding. A cheat sheet version of Sperm Competition and Concealed Ovulation is a reasonable starting point at Wikipedia.
From a biological perspective both men and women appear to to be built for a primary hormonally pair bonded relationship plus opportunistic sex outside that relationship.
Monogamy is a social adaption that…