To Spoon Or Not To Spoon

I’m a regular reader. Great blog. Here’s my question: When spooning, what is the dominant or alpha position, the “outside”, holding her in a protective embrace, or the “inside”, with her clinging to you like the bun on a hot dog? I used to think the outside was dominant, but now I’m not so sure. Sometimes it makes me feel like a hanger-on, like I’m behind her and she’s leading the way, so to speak.
It can kind of get into a second guessing sort of thing, so try not to over think it. It’s not so much the position of your bodies together, but which side of the bed you’re on / who announced the cuddling. If you cuddle up to her, you’re implying that she is dominant. If she cuddles up to you, you are more dominant.
However you can also be dominant by telling her to come to you, or telling her you’re coming over to her side of the bed. There’s some obvious dominance in sliding over to her side of the bed and simply saying “spoons” and prompting her to roll over by gently pushing on her hip.
The only one I’d really watch for is her laying on her back and you laying your head on her shoulder. That’s kind of “little boy needs his mom” weak to me. We do like the opposite where she lays her head on my shoulder though. She just fits into me so well with my arm around her. If you caught a hint of a double standard there, that’s because there is one. I’d apologize but I’m obnoxious.
Taking this further – I quite like the woman on top sexual positions, it’s easy to last a while and I get to relax in it and touch Jennifer anywhere I want to. However it objectively appears to be a dominant position for the woman. The differences being that (1) I usually tell her to get on top of me and she complies and (2) I can bench press her.
As I’ve moved into more Alpha behavior I have tended to finish on top of her far more frequently though and increased the roughness to levels of pounding rated “this is consensual right?”  Bonus points for making the bed squeak and a slapping sound as our bodies come together. She’s cuddly after those sort of sessions to the point of almost being clingy. At least I think she might be, I usually just get that Oxytocin / Vasopressin surge right afterwards and take a short nap. I guess I really have no clue what she does after I’m finished with her.
So anyway, don’t over think it. Just make a move / direct her to make a move on you. Personally I’m terrible at spooning onto Jennifer anyway – I always end up hard and then I can’t sleep until we fix the problem.

Public Displays Of Affection Can Fuel Preselection

Jennifer and I work for the same employer, though different departments. There’s basically no overlap but once in a while we run into each other at work… as we did today.
Truthfully this was not some grand sweeping off the feet passionate moment, but we did publicly kiss and make a little small talk with each other. There were several playful “break that up”, “no kissing” and “ewww” comments from the female peanut gallery.
So I kissed her again and lightly gamed her with very gentle teasing. After all the real issue isn’t a tasteful PDA, it’s that they are jealous, so I underlined that.
After all there’s nothing like making other women jealous to strengthen the Preselection effect.

Reader Story: Back To Basics

Thirteen hour day so defaulting to a great success story email.
My wife and I are in our early 40s, for what it’s worth…
I was lucky enough (or unlucky enough) to marry up – my wife’s natural sex rank is at least a point higher than mine. This meant that when things were going well I was the luckiest guy in the world, but more often than not it meant sex was a cause of friction. Fortunately we’re both fiercely loyal people, so cheating has never been a concern, but we’ve had cyclical stints in our 14 year marriage where sex became very infrequent (once a month or less) and would cause enough friction to discuss the D word.
The last couple of years had been the worst we’ve seen. My wife decided to get back into shape after a decade of frustration over her post-kids body. At the same time, my income cratered in the Great Recession. I was working longer hours than ever, making less money, and somewhere along the line had stopped working out. I didn’t realize it, but she was growing more frustrated by the day. This caused her to act ever more “high maintenance”, and I continued to back off. Knowing that my actions would be wrong (whatever they were), I stopped taking action. By Christmas 2009 we had achieved the ultimate unhealthy relationship.
Sex-wise, my wife had become hotter than ever. I wanted sex, and asked for it, almost every night but she rarely complied; most nights I could hardly sleep due to my raging desire and blue-balls! But the thought of not seeing my kids was unbearable, so I decided to stay put as long as she would let me. Then, suddenly and completely by accident, things changed.
One day in January I got mad enough at myself for being such a wimp in such a bad situation. I vowed not to ask for sex anymore. My bedtime routine became a beer, a benadryl, and my tight-fitting workout boxer briefs. It seemed lame, but I was able to stop pawing at her and get some sleep! I also forced myself to stop caring whether or not she approved of my actions, especially regarding the kids. I became a better dad and a little more alpha in our relationship – not by strategy but by truly not caring anymore.
The next month I started working out again. Not for any sex or alpha or relationship reason, but just as a way to get back into shape and to relieve some stress.
It didn’t take long for our relationship to change. We started having sex again, and then having it more frequently. It became less of an ‘event’ and instead a more natural evolution of what we were feeling.
Later in the spring somebody introduced me to your blog, and I started trying different ideas ‘on purpose’ instead of by accident. One night I declared that pajama pants are no longer allowed in our bed – a nightie or t-shirt with a thong would be sufficient. I’m not sure what I expected, and I didn’t have a backup plan in place for when she said no, but she complied. ;-)  Occasionally, while we were cleaning up after dinner, I would let her know what she could expect later that night.. Those nice always ended perfectly! My boldest demand came on a night when she was in bed before me and comfortably snuggled up reading her book. I told her if she wants to continue reading her book, she would have to read it standing up and bent over the bed, resting on her elbows. Believe me, that scene, with her wearing a cami and thong… let’s just say we’ll have to repeat that one!
Anyway – we’re now a very happy and healthy couple. We have sex a couple times a week, sometimes more, and the sex is better than it’s been in years. We have more fun together outside the bedroom too – more friendship, more respect, more enjoyment. Life is good. (and so is your advice!) Thank you!
Things were heading towards the right direction before he came across the blog, but he was doing the same principles I suggest so it’s another win for the theory. There is no instant fix, but these basic ideas are straightforward and simple. As long as you don’t leave it too long, getting your stride back is very possible.
Great job, keep it up!

So When Is The Book You Keep Talking About Getting Done?

“So … are you writing the book I’m looking for? PUA techniques for the monogamous?
I can’t remember the damn name or author of the PUA book I read, but I have you to thank for turning me onto such material. It all seems so very easy to dismiss as ignorant trash. It’s the relationship equivalent of Amway … yet, if you actually do it, it works. Results are hard to argue with.
Love the blog. Consider a webcast. I’m assuming that I don’t have to remind you that there is no lack of interest, and your target audience will certainly be available as they are not in bed with their wives or girlfriends.
Best of luck Athol.”
Yes indeed I am writing it.
I’ve had a number of things come together in my real life that are basically forcing me to get it written over the next month. Work may or may not get rough in about a months time and if it does get rough I may not have mental energy to really get it done this year. I’ve also been not working extra hours so much this year, and while we aren’t going under we aren’t going up either. So I just have to plow ahead on it.
In a sense I’ve been writing it from the beginning of the year anyway, so right now I’m basically doing a huge cut and paste job from the blog into something more structured as a first draft. After that it’s a few runs of editing and polishing from that. To be honest there won’t be very much “new” in the book, just vastly more coherent and understandable with the action plan better defined. The blog is fun, but leaps around topics a little much. A book is a different format. I’m hoping to be done with the writing phase by the end of August.
After that it seems to be about another month to get it published. I’m leaning towards self-publishing via CreateSpace the Amazon.com owned print on demand outfit. So all things going to plan I’m hoping for October 1st publication. Maybe I’m an old fuddy duddy but I need to hold an actual book in my hand rather than simply eBook and I love Amazon.
Also my target audience is as much female as male. I have slightly more female readers than male on the blog as it is. Wives are going to buy it for their husbands to use on them anyway. Women want to be seduced.
I’ll probably branch to webcasts eventually. For now I have to get the book done as without a marketable product it’s all just a fun hobby but not a Display of Higher Value to Jennifer. As far as I can work the numbers, about 1000 sales would be break even point, and 2000 would be quite happy. I’ll not lie and say that I haven’t done the fantasy estate planning for royalties though. And while I do thrill to saved marriages I am in it for the money. But a book is only 1/20000th the cost of a divorce and if I get you laid even a couple times more then it plays out on the Hooker Math front as well. So it’s win-win.
What would be helpful though is a few more reader stories. I want to have a chapter of “reports from the field” describing things that worked. I also find reader questions extremely helpful as well, they often seem to trigger a post. I’m at  athol.kay@gmail.com.  And please don’t keep me a secret!
Also today I passed the 100,000 visitor mark, and I’m poised to beat the 250,000 page view mark in a few hours. I’m by no means a big blog as yet, but it’s an exciting beginning for just seven months. I am very grateful for the amount of visitors that have swung by.
With much love.
Athol