Breaking Down The Sexually Shy Wife

Mostly my focus here is on the assumption that the wife in the relationship has a normal sex drive. Once the the husband returns to showing a sexy profile and behavior, her normal sex drive for him kicks back in and the sex starts happening again. That’s an easy fix. You can get that turned around in a couple of months no problem.
However I’m pretty much assuming that readers have the common sense to rule out potential medical issues. There’s little hope of getting more sex from her from gaming her if her hormones are all out of whack for example. If the low sex issue stems from ovarian cancer for example… I think I see the problem. You have to go rule out medical issues first.
The other area I haven’t covered is the wife having a normal sexual desire, but a blockage in her related to anxiety, fear, lack of sex education, trauma, nervousness etc. Simply dialing up the Alpha isn’t going to make a “Shy Wife” become more sexual with you, in fact it may become too stimulating and simply drive her deeper into her anxiety. Ironically the behavior that can unpick her locks is actually adding in Beta comfort building. The comfort building decreases her anxiety and she can fully relax enough to enjoy everything.
Here’s an example… I’ve had some recent email from a reader with a very anxious skittish wife when it comes to sex. Go read the shower post first if you can’t remember it and zip back here.
“Very good stuff. I loved the shower pass post. She locks the door to shower, so I think I’m going to get a stick at the ready to pick the lock…probably in a couple weeks when she’s ovulating.”
See for a normal wife the playful Alpha invasion of her space in the shower and silly one liners is experienced as enjoyable attention. It turns her on. In fact the gaming of her comes from the way you don’t have sex with her. You’re teasing her!
But Very Shy Wife has the door locked to the shower. Specifically to keep her husband out. (And yes that is worrisome in and of itself that she is that wound up, but no “leave the bitch” comments please it doesn’t actually help towards a solution.)  So if he pops the lock and marches into the bathroom with a hard on, she will probably experience this the same way a normal wife would experience a SWAT team entering the bathroom. She’s going to scream in terror, try and cover herself with a hand bra, plus likely fall over and cry.
Not as hawt as intended.
The proper approach is to let her know the overall plan. Yes this takes away the element of surprise, but that’s the point. Then you break down the process into a number of smaller steps. The first change would be to have her shower with the door simply unlocked. That’s it. Maybe do that for a week or so. Then the next step is to have him come into the bathroom while she showers. Have a conversation in there, he can brush his teeth or something. Maybe a week of that. Then the next step is opening the shower door while he’s in there, a week of that. Then he can get in with her and wash her back.
Is this long and tedious? It sure is. But it also might work a lot better than popping the lock and rocking the cock at her. It does take a slow steady pressure to continue to advance through the steps though. Each level comes with a discomfort that needs to be politely presented and passed through. The Alpha doesn’t let her off the hook of development, the Beta praises and soothes. You must have both tools in the toolbox.
As each step is made there’s praise and positive attention. As long as progress is being made in the direction you want, you just stick with the process. You’re not going to go from Very Shy Wife to Trained Slutty Wife in a single day, or a week, or maybe even a year. But you can make constant progress towards that goal. It’s all vastly easier with her consent to have her limits purposely pushed, but you can make progress with rewarding the behavior you wish to see anyway, it’s just slower.
Back in the beginning Jennifer was extremely shy and from her upbringing was basically sexually naive. If you give a girl an orgasm when she doesn’t know what an orgasm even is, that’s about the best Display of High Value possible. I remember that much of the first month of sex she lay there stiff as a board and soundless. I considered adding a strobe light to the bedroom to make it look like she was moving.
We’ve always had a lot of sex, but early on it was fairly bad sex compared to now, though I was just so excited to be getting laid I thought it was awesome. But each time got a little better. And I gently pushed back her boundaries, I didn’t force her, just wore her down with expressions of enjoyment, pleasure for her, praise and thanking. It did take a while and we are still learning things together even now. Now she relishes doing things that once made her nervous. Now she’s positively slutty with me in the manner of my choosing. What’s not to love about that. (Though she does remain leery of the thing with the jumper cables and the butter.)
There was an understanding between us that we were going to push her boundaries together. She was comfortable in her discomfort. I didn’t yell, hit, threaten to leave, pout etc. Just a slow steady push to move in the direction of more sexy. There’s a world of difference between “suck it or get out” and “kissing me there is nice, lick me a little”. The Tortoise beats the Hare in the story you know.

It’s an old joke between us that I’ve corrupted her and am “a very bad man”. I always say that’s why she likes me so much. She always nuzzles into me after I say that. She’s actually thankful I’ve made her like some of this stuff.


  1. Good post. I have to say that I am a woman who enjoys being sexual with somebody I love. I have showered with my love often. But I could NEVER, in a milion years, live under the same roof as a person who would pick the lock that I'd decided to lock. That would be a violation along the lines of "asshole" not "alpha".

    (Besides, not everything that happens in a bathroom is all that sexy. . . )

    Keep in mind that a segment sexually shy women may have experienced some kind of trauma in their past. It's okay to talk about what you would like from her. It's okay to explain how important sexual behaviour is to you. It's NOT okay to imply that you're going to get what you want, whether she consents or not, even if all you want is simply a shower together. It may not seem like a big deal when you've already seen her naked so many times. However, the SYMBOLISM of making sure that you get explicit consent for an action can be a big deal to some women. If you're not sure whether your wife is one of those women, you should find out through honest communication.

    To be clear, I'm not saying you need to ask permission each time you kiss or touch your wife. There is some implied consent in long term relationships. However, a locked door indicates a desire for privacy. If you want to enter the private, asking permission will get a better response than completely ignoring her desire for privacy.

  2. Athol Kay says:

    In that particular case I had asked the reader if there was abuse prior to him becoming involved with his wife. I haven't had a response. Which worries me somewhat.

  3. Anonymous says:

    These wives don't know how good they have it. I'm thin, young, and good-looking and my husband won't touch me with a ten foot pole unless its been a week. Usually more. An no, not cheating or gay, just tired of the usual. Some wives are lucky :(

  4. Confidunce says:

    Anyone who would cry "ditch the bitch, I'm alpha!" has missed the whole point of PUA, especially of PUA in LTRs. Subtlety and escalation are the keys. If you're in a LTR, then you have the time and privilege of playing the long game.

    Good post.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Anon@11:19: Ditto on that sentiment! I've been married a LONG time, my husband is older than me anyway, and in that cruel-joke-of-the-universe way, my libido seems to be going into overdrive (last gasp?). Always have been blessed (or cursed) with high libido. This is a great blog, but when I read these accounts of extreme sexual timidity/reluctance in some women, I feel like I'm reading about a strange subculture.

    Athol, know of anything I can slip into husband's morning coffee to get things perking?

  6. Anonymous says:

    Hi Anon 1:27.

    Sucks, doesn't it? I have a fairly high libido too, but mostly I have a very low tolerance for rejection. I do not like to feel unwanted or undesired, especially when I make an effort to look good. Not being approached for sex is the ultimate rejection. No matter how many times my husband says I have a great body or a beautiful face (which he does often) it is completely devoid of meaning.

    I remember watching a scene from the movie "Far From Heaven" where all the housewives complain about their husbands insatiable sexual appetites and the lead actress (who ain't getting shit!) just kind of smile sadly. Bah. Humbug.

  7. Nice post about the limitations of the alpha approach. It is worth mentioning that it takes more than a week in each stage. Women have natural cycles and the ovulation cycle is the time to cover new ground, while the rest of the month you just hold position.

    The questions of past sexual history (as well as medical history) are important ones to ask. That all has a huge impact on us.

    Sympathies for the anonymous women complaining about their husbands' sex drives. It's always something.

  8. Violettapearl says:

    Anon – ok you are thin and young BUT that is not all a man needs for a hard on. Your man might like a little cushion. Or it could be a matter of attitude. Too often sex with a certain woman feels like work instead of the pleasure it could be…Make him your hero and see how he reacts.

  9. What if she refuses to participate at all, under any circumstances? She won't shower with the door unlocked even, never mind go to another stage? Then what?

  10. Anon 3:42 – I'm pretty much imagining that all sex is shut down then. Follow The MAP and see if she will change.

  11. Anonymous says:

    Some women don't actually WANT to be broken down. Bet you never thought of that…

  12. Athol Kay says:

    Some women don't actually WANT to be broken down. Bet you never thought of that…

    And that's fine if they don't want to be. They just shouldn't entrap a man in a marriage when he wants a good sex life. That would be quite cruel don't you think?

  13. Anonymous says:


    Two things I thought of when reading this that I thought may help.

    1. Some women were raised that they needed to have a little mystery and hide some things from their Husband.

    My Mother often told me how frustrated she was the first year of marriage because she had been raised by my old world Grandmother that her Husband was to never see her with her hair not done, without makeup on or doing any personal grooming. You can imagine the lengths she attempted to go to LOL.

    I think letting your wife know ahead of time (usually, not always) that you are going to jump her in the shower or tub is a good thing. We do alot of grooming in there. If I know my Hunny wants to come in I ask him to give me a head start so I can take care of what I need to and am more relaxed.

    Sometimes it isn't a shut down. Some times a girl wants to exfoliate or shave something for goodness sakes :)

    A Husband may want to see if there is something to this first. And also if there is some unfortunate abuse or anything in her background. I LOVE how you give guidence on winning her over instead of leaving. Would a wounded or tentative man want a women who runs out on him for a work failure or slow start on a business?

    Threatening to leave or bullying in those cases will make SURE an insecure women will never trust you and trust is what makes the best sex.

    2. Many medical issues affect this and I just wanted to add something that may help someone. I recently found that I had some serious vitamin deficiency. I started taking B vitamins (sub-lingual), calcium/zinc/magnesium and vitamin D WITH large doses of vitamin C (at the same time or it doesn't work).

    Apparently I have never actually had an orgasim before. What a difference a little maganesium makes!

    If your wife is kind of shy, take some epsom salt baths together for a week and see if that helps LOL.

    Sorry if that is OT, just found talking to girlfriends that after having and nursing babies this has been the case for a lot of the uninterest in sex and it can EASILY be fixed.

    Love your writing.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Have you tried an after work cocktail? Wine with dinner? Beer with burgers?

    A coconut oil massage after work for the hard working man…with a happy ending?

    A hot bath with candles?

    If you have children plug in the dvd and put them to bed early this one time and go cuddle and watch a movie.

    Some men, when under stress, lose interest. Lessen the stress or ASSOCIATE yourself with LESS STRESS and things will perk right up.


    Just fun fun fun!

    Enjoy the treasure hunt and find something to make that lion roar!


  15. Anonymous says:

    What do you mean by this?

    If a women is not willing do do her half of the sexual relationship in marriage she should take herself out of the market.

    Marriage equals sex.

    If she likes a different approach or has an aversion to water sex, I am sure most Husbands are willing to try something else.

    Just "no sex" is off the table.

    And he isn't breaking her down in a bad way, but in a good.

    He is being KIND!


  16. Halo..I’m newly married..but I’m very husband likes sex haha like any other man..but I am sooo shy to do other sex styles..and things..what can I do?

  17. Kennedy says:

    God built women to be fragile and men powerful and sexually energized. Their only form of protection for women against men is their reservation towards sex and inherent shyness. It is the role of the man to pursue a woman, to gain her trust and win her heart. She will then open up and give unconditionally to the man once she trusts him. God is fair. Man are powerful but need to be gentle and patient to win a woman over. The world would be full of wars had it not been for this fact – that God built a man such that he has to be kind and patient to gain the trust of women in order to have sex with her. What goes round comes round. If a man is not patient enough to gradually gain the trust of a woman, he is the one on the losing end – he may be able to get sex but unpleasurable sex without any fondness and affection. Sex without love is spiritless and mundane. So guys, woo the woman over!

  18. I have a problem with being too shy myself. My man and I have a 6 month old boy but this has been goin on a lot longer than that. Our sex life is boring. I have a fairly high sex drive and so does he. We haven’t found much time lately for it but that’s our fault and that one I know how to fix. My problem is that its the same thing over and over again and it gets boring. I’m very adventurous and can be quite kinky but I’m too shy to initiate. I’m only ever like that when the man can tell me what he likes or wants me to do to/for him. My man knows I’m incredibly shy about taking the lead but he doesn’t like taking the lead either so were at an impasse. I was thinking of starting slow with something small like maybe add in some flavoured lube to the bedroom but I’m not sure and I’m so terrified of rejection which if he’s just not in the mood iis something I will unfortunately perceive as rejection. He’s never rejected me yet but I’m still scared. Its driving me crazy. Any suggestions?

  19. OMG, if my husband picked the lock to a bathroom I had purposely locked, I would throw a screeching harpy-fit that lasted a week. And I’m a nice, tolerant wife who gets in a fight with my husband like once every 2 years at most.

    I appreciate the emphasis on taking it easy and slow with a shy wife. I was a shy virgin when I married, but now, 8 years later, I am still a bit shy occasionally but much more open and able to be pretty sexy. I needed him to affirm me, tell me over and over that I was gorgeous and sexy and wonderful and was doing a good job and how much he enjoyed X and Y and Z. Over time that whittled down my worries.

    If anything he could put a *tiny* bit more pressure on me. There are things he asked for years ago that I said no to, where if he asked now I’d say yes, but he never asked again. I think it’d be okay if he asked once, and asked again a year later, and asked again 2 years later, you know? But overall it has been way more beneficial that he has been careful not to put pressure on me, so I didn’t develop any anxieties or bitterness or hang-ups. Since I didn’t feel pressured, I never did anything that made me uncomfortable or unhappy, which helps me feel safe and positive and open about sex and about him. He gave me the space for my sexuality to develop naturally and for me to relax.

  20. Ashton – Just got for it. I realize this is like being told to leap off a cliff……..but somebody has to make the first move. If neither of you are prone to initiating sex, then you’ll spend the rest of your life laying on your pillow next to a man you love and want to be intimate with, wondering why it isn’t happening.

    Not all men are sexual predators – some of us like a woman to take the lead, or at least let us know that you’re up for it. We don’t like being rejected, either….coming to bed with some lingerie on is a nice way to drop a huge hint – you don’t have to DO anything except walk into the bedroom with a teddy on, and we’ll get the message and take it from there.

    As for kinky stuff…….just like women, some guys are into it and some aren’t. But most guys won’t decide you’re a total creep just because you suggest something that’s a bit off the reservation. Women, on the other hand, will end relationships simply because a guy made himself vulnerable and expressed some hidden, inner desires that she wasn’t into.

    Go for what YOU want – I’d bet my next paycheck he will respond positively, and after that HE will be more likely to initiate things.

  21. All great stuff – UNLESS your wife is basically done with anything fun or interesting in the bedroom. I worked very carefully to ask for something other than missionary – worked up to it gently and carefully – could she, just once, try sitting on top of me… She sat, without getting into final position, getting (as she said) warmed up. Within two minutes couldn’t do it any more. Why? Shyness. It’s too flagrant she said. Said her dead mother might be watching. Said she felt that in her last life she had been a Muslim woman who wore a burka and she just can’t cope with being so open and exposed as to be naked, sitting on top of her husband… SIGH!

    I should add that lots of fun sexual behaviors were evident while we were courting (and during first year of marriage) and are now gone, gone, gone. Missionary or nothing — usually while she’s half asleep… She refuses to even take a shower with me – (Yuck!) although she sleeps without clothing… She told me about 6 months back, when I initiated conversations about this that no, she never felt sexy about me – but during our courtship and first year of marriage she was “being nice” because she know my first marriage had been sexless… OMG!

    She says she’s sorry of course, but nothing I say (and I have been very, VERY gentle) can coax any interest in change and the suggestion of therapy has been directly refused. We have 4 kids (yes, I’m stupidly loyal — this has been going on for close to 18 years) and a divorce would ruin both of us financially. Also, she does NOT have a normal level of sex drive – it’s very hormonal – desire occurs (if I’m lucky) for one day a month. She will “let me have some” when I ask for it – but she will never initiate. Sex is usually slightly more interesting than making love to one of those blow-up-dolls.

    Just saying that some things can’t be fixed – especially when one party is absolutely sure their “problem” is bone-deep and unchangeable and so no effort is worthwhile because nothing can change… If I tried the “alpha” thing on her she’d just run away. As for breaking a lock – she’d have felt so betrayed in trust that it would have seriously damaged the relationship.

    I’m 99.999999999 percent sure there was no sexual abuse – of course, obviously, her family of origin didn’t do much for her self-esteem or confidence…

    My diagnosis is: Crushing, acute shyness (social anxiety) especially in regard to body image combined with an absolute belief that this is unchangeable for her and therefore it’s a waste of time to do therapy of any kind. Therefore, any sexual behavior that allows a partner to actually look at her body is out. (She frequently comments on the ugliness of her genitals and the overall asymmetry of her body – she’s actually very attractive)

Speak Your Mind