Dealing With Wifely Indecision And Failing To Please Her

“It is no end of frustration for a husband to have a wife who does not know what she wants. As a man you are left guessing. Advocates of the ‘alpha male’ philosophy will say that this woman wants to be told what she wants, and will enjoy having these decisions made for her, and that may work for some women. My wife tends to react defensively when she is told what to do. Instead, she is left frustrated at her inability to decide and at the same time her inability to accept the decisions of others.”
I think this misunderstands the alpha approach slightly. It’s not so much that you tell her what she wants, but that you say what you want and give her the option of either complying with that or missing out on something enjoyable.
The whole indecision thing and not knowing what she wants is just a tool to frustrate you and have her remain in control in the relationship. Plus its an all purpose play for attention.
If you stop feeding in to these things where she just spirals in her little indecision psychodrama and just say “well you don’t even know what you want so there’s no point me trying to make you happy because either way you’ll decide I’ll be wrong, so I’m just going to make myself happy and I want X” and then you go do X. She will likely have a little temper tantrum over the loss of control over you. You ignore that little spat completely and do what you want. You will find that she finds you more attractive in the aftermath of that interaction.
In a similar vein of thought… Alkibiades from Seasons of Tumult and Discord.
“As such my father believes deeply that it is the man’s responsibility to provide for his wife and to ‘keep her happy.’ Only by doing so can a man be truly happy.
My father trotted this pretty lie out once again over the weekend. I laughed when I heard it for the countless time. I deadpanned back to him that keeping a woman happy is impossible. She will be happy if she chooses to be such, or she will be unhappy and make her significant other miserable if she chooses. The problem is we’ve created a whole generation of men and women with unrealistic expectations. When the impossibility of meeting those expectations is confronted, they tend to get angry and look for someone to blame. Often it is the man who is blamed. It is the man who is confronted almost daily and told constantly that the failure is his and his alone. Too many men still accept the blame.”
Basically if you live your life with your happiness dependant on someone else’s happiness, you are nothing but a slave to the shifts in their mood. And if that’s the case you better hope that Cleopatra is in the mood for sex.


  1. I like your blog I think I'll become a regular commentator. I am the author of the "right track" comment. I am here by known as "mid west married man" or "MWMM".

    Ok, you don't have to make all the decisions just be ready to make them when necessary. He's a classic;

    Old me: "Where do you want to eat tonight?
    Her: "I don't know, what do you want"
    Old me: " I dont' know, what do you want"

    New me" Let's go to Joe's for dinner. Sound good?"
    Her; "ok"

    Simple, no?

  2. Athol Kay says:

    Oh yeah, we've had that coversation about a thousand times in the old days. :-)

  3. Real life: After one bottle of wine while relaxing and listening to music (she's reading):

    Her: Want another?
    me: Are you going to do me?
    Her: Hmmm, maybe?
    me: Then get the wine
    her: You going to get it?
    me: No, you get it.

    She get's the wine.

  4. Confidunce says:

    A.K. nailed it. My ex (Barbara) would do this to me all the time. Out of our countless pre-divorce arguments, one of the most furious started when I told her:

    Either take care of yourself or let me take care of you.

    The argument arose like this: she had been on a ten-minute tirade, which was triggered by her being hot and thirsty on a shopping trip. "I'm tired" turned into "I'm not having fun" turned into "this sucks" turned into "this neighborhood sucks" turned into "this town sucks" turned into "I hate my life." I started suggesting places to go sit down and grab a snack and cool off, and she shot down each and every one of them. And then I uttered the sentence above.

    Whoops. This turned out to be the WRONG DAMN THING to say to a woman who (mysteriously) prided herself on her self-sufficiency and indendence. It also set my alphatude in direct competition with hers. The lesson is that the so-called "alpha" approach of TELLING a woman what to do will only work if your woman is a natural follower, or if it was your job to make the plan in the first place.

    The second approach (make yourself happy and invite her to share in the happiness) is far superior for a lot of reasons, three of which spring to mind now.

    1. It does not put your alphatude in direct competition with her independence. She can CHOOSE to come with you or CHOOSE not to.

    2. But you still maintain the role of Provider by being the one to take care of a situation.

    3. Once you practice it a couple of times, you'll get over your pre-argument anxiety (and the internal rage born of the futility of trying to talk reason to someone who will grow angry no matter what). You will learn to remain calm and unflappable. (Side note: there is a reason that natural alphas are described as "cool." It's because they are both leaders and zen buddhists at the same time.)

    Sorry to steal the soapbox. Nice critique, A.

  5. Athol Kay says:

    Good summary and thoughts Confidunce.

  6. So if women love bikers for their alpha attitude, and they love buddhists for their emotional self control, then it stands to reason that a zen buddhist biker should get laid every time he pulls off the road.

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