In I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You I said…
“Plus for my female readers, the core of this post “in love” vs pair bond works exactly the same way for men too. Be advised to show cleavage and leave no question in his mind that you’re good in the sack. At the heart of things, this is what men want from marriage and how they experience love and pair bond to you. The rest is just details.”
To which Susan asked…
“Oh, I would love to hear you expand on this. What men really want – and how women can offer enough value to get men to commit, even if they don’t have to.”
I was thinking about an answer when commenter Slwerner left a fabulous comment that shouldn’t be missed out on. I’m just reprinting it in full, have no clue who he is and no blog to link back to. So here it is….
I’ve been reading your blog for some time without commenting. But, let me start out by saying that I, and my marriage, are living proof of much of what you have been saying. About 20 years ago, I found my marriage under attack by a would be interloper who was targeting my wife. I had fallen into the typical beta patterns after 5 years of marriage and 2 kids, setting the stage for the prototypical cad to try to step in. (bear with me, because I am getting around to Susan’s question – sort of)
Having fortunately found the place where I’m been storing my testicles in time to ward off an impending martial disaster, I can now look back over 20 subsequent years of rather happy marriage and sustained 400+ sex/yr, and I can ponder what it is that she has since given me that has made all the difference.
Well, in addition to lots of great passionate sex, the thing that pops out to me is the loyalty and the way she has learned to “telegraph” her continued loyalty to me. I don’t think men always realize how much they actually value loyalty until it’s lost; but, given that women’s infidelity can lead to her bearing another man’s child, I believe that female loyalty has been highly prized by men since well before recorded history began.
I don’t know how women might best indicate to men that they are interested in that they will be loyal in the long-term, but, I sure no how woman show that they may well not be.
The way they most show there lack of (potential) loyalty is the way many women will “disengage” from their own man when another (of higher alpha-ness, typically) man approaches (been there).
I see it occurring all the time in social settings. a woman is obviously with one man (holding hands, his arm around her, or hers around his waist, etc.). But then the other man comes near, and not only does the woman move away from her man, she will often step between her man and the approaching man, facing that incoming man, with her back to her man. (observe some social settings and see if I’m not right about the frequency with which this occurs). Could it be any more obvious a signal that she’s willing to consider “other offers”?
Having had open and frank communication with my wife, in such situations, she will routinely seek to reassure me of her loyalty to me by slipping her arm around me and giving me a little squeeze. Even though I’ve developed a good deal of what is often termed “LTR Game”, and feel I can “keep” my wife by being the confident man, I can tell you (and women like Susan) that it’s still a welcome reassurance that she is thinking of me when other men are around.
And I’m back… I think the loyalty observation is key here. Men want a highly sexual woman as a partner, but we also want a loyal one. I think we often get stuck with a viewpoint that either a woman is low sex and loyal, or high sex and disloyal. There’s an element of truth in there, but it’s not always the whole story.
Many thanks Slwerner.