How To Get Your Wife To Wear Lingerie Part 2: Do You Understand The Words That Are Coming Out Of My Mouth?

Lingerie = You Gift Wrapped
In yesterday’s post about How To Get Your Wife To Wear Lingerie, I laid out a low key behavioral plan to slowly but surely nudge your lady love towards wearing filmy lacey things. But left it with the cliff hanger that it didn’t actually work for me.
So just recapping… I was trying my plan of generally paying attention to all her underwear, shopping online together, bargain hunting a few everyday more exciting things, sexing her up good when she did comply, not over focusing on the lingerie itself during sex yada yada yada.
What actually worked was expressing how angry I had become over the issue. That may not sound overly dramatic, but I don’t know if I’ve genuinely snapped at Jennifer ten times in our marriage. We are both easy going people by nature and we both rub each other the right way, so me actually raising my voice at her is a less than once a year experience. I don’t yell, I don’t hit, just the voice comes up 20% but there’s this tone of displeasure that shreds her. She really does like to please me.
I think I really did the anger thing three times in as many months. Plus a couple of aftershock sort of things as well. There’s was no “game” intent to it, no part of a behavior modification plan, no pretending to be angry, no idea what would happen. I was just angry because I was angry, and angry because I had been driven to anger when by nature I’m not an angry guy. I tend to anger very slowly but once angry have a hard time shaking it off.
So let me explain… and this is probably more for the ladies reading than the men, but I’ll break form and use the pink microphone instead of the blue one for a little bit…
When a man gives a woman lingerie, it is an Indicator of Interest of the highest order, probably second only to the offering of an engagement ring. A man trying to give a woman lingerie is basically saying “I am so totally into you baby, I find you so freaking sexy“. When the lingerie gets slammed away in the Lingerie Vault, it’s a pretty firm “I don’t like that sort of attention from you”. OMG that’s ouch. It’s like the Walk of Shame back across the dance floor, except you just get to lie there in bed next to Mrs As If.
I’m sure if a man gave you flowers and you just took them and fed them through a shredder in front of him, you’d think that was pretty nasty business. Now imagine you kept all the shredded flowers in a special drawer. That’s what the damn Lingerie Vault feels like to a man.
Men tend to experience love through sex. Men have far more testosterone and basic horniness than women, but the experience of sex with a woman is one of the primary bonding mechanisms for a man. Women tend to wait until they feel love before moving ahead into a sexual relationship. Men tend to need to have sex before fully engaging in feelings of love. This natural conflict is much of the traditional mating dance.
I’ll say it again – lingerie is a male Indicator of Interest of the highest order.
I love you baby. I’m so into you.
Now at this point many women will complain that they feel; too fat, not a supermodel, that one doesn’t fit me right, I have stretch marks, I don’t feel sexy, yada yada yada. All men hear when woman spout those sort of lines off is, “I don’t like that sort of attention from you, and you have poor taste in women”. Which is called adding insult to injury.
After a while it really stops being about the lingerie.
A woman can do an awful lot of things for a man because she loves him and likes him, but not much of it counts in his book of love compared to acting like you want to pull his sexual attention.
When men complain “why doesn’t she initiate sex?”, they may as well also be asking “why doesn’t she really love me?”  Oh she may very well love him to death, just the love doesn’t come in the language of love he speaks so he never hears her say it right. The road to divorce court is paved with miscommunication.
See to the mind of a man, giving a woman lingerie is like handing her a big red button marked “Easy”. All she has to do is push the button and it makes him feel loved, excited and happy. It’s incomprehensible to him when she just looks at the big red button and says, “the big red button makes me feel uncomfortable”. Then she throws it in the discard pile with the other big red buttons.
Now it’s really not about the lingerie at all.
It’s not even about sex anymore.
It starts being about everything that is wrong in the relationship.
Plus for me it started being about The Test.
So anyway… darker times. In the end my anger was pretty focused on the message “I want this from you“. We cycled through me being angry and her being apologetic a few times. The test faded away to background noise. I’m getting far more of what I want… no, what I need from her. Usually I ask, but sometimes she just does it on her own. It’s really not all that frequent we do lingerie night either. About once every 2-3 weeks which is fine. It’s a spice not the meal.
Monogamy isn’t always an easy road to travel. So help me, help you. It’s not about you being or not being a supermodel. Lingerie is just a non-verbal “come hither”.
Things have changed for the better between us since all this happened. We have always had a lot of sex, but the handful of more seductive nights tossed in satisfy me better. I just feel some how calmer and more in love with her.
Plus for her part, she’s actually starting to like wearing the stuff. Talk about your Green Eggs and Frakking Ham.


  1. Anonymous says:

    Uh, oh…I got a couple lingerie gifts from the husband in the past. Never wore them and they eventually ended in the trash. Bad bitchy thing? You can tell me straight.

    Actually, I've never worn lingerie in my entire life; strictly an underwear person. Maybe I should just surprise him some day – he would go into shock. Whatcha think?

  2. Ms Lacrymosa says:

    More seductive nights sounds good. The lingerie vault is such a sad notion- saving the good looking outfits for the right moment, which never materialises. Carpe diem :)

  3. Athol Kay says:

    @ Anon – It's not a bitchy thing, it's a clueless thing.

    You should wear some for him once in a while, he'll probably love it and love you for it. Though I caution you to make the arrival of lingerie and the wearing of it for him a direct line. Should he find lingerie he's never seen before in your possession, he will likely assume you are cheating on him.

    If you really want to playfully mess with him, buy from some place online that's obviously sexual in nature and have the box addressed to you and let him find it. i.e. a box from Playboy for Mrs. Anon.

    Also he may have some residual negative emotions about your earlier lingerie smackdown. The other option is just to apologize that you weren't listening to what he was trying to say. Then go shop together. It's really about love.

  4. Stephen says:

    Now AK you have to control the anger. You might feel slighted when your gift gets pitched in the vault. But look at it from their perspective. They don't just go buy some random outfit and throw it on and expect some sex. They might spend hrs. finding the look they want, a good fit, the color will have to match their skin tone, hair color or who knows maybe even the colors in the bedroom. Then they'll spend another hr. or so with their lotions and potions and what ever else they do in the bathroom. All so we tell them hey baby can't wait till this ballgames over so I can tear that off of you. It always makes me wonder why they put up with us at all.

  5. Athol Kay says:

    @ Stephen – Actually I am pretty much known for not having a temper to my own detriment.

    I had opportunties to get this particular desire met elsewhere, which I declined in favor of continuing to struggle to mutual understanding with Jennifer.

    This really wasn't just a "slighting". Like I said, it really stopped being about lingerie and started being about a few other more serious things. We went through several months of quite painful discussions for both of us. We did not discuss divorce as an option, but I thought about it.

    And again – Jennifer edits all my posts. We talked over a lot of those issues again. This was a hard post for us.

  6. hambydammit says:

    I appreciate your candor in discussing this difficult subject. (And kudos to Jennifer for letting you air her dirty lingerie.)

    I've taken a lot of flack for saying this, but it's true. Sex is to men as flowers, romance, listening to the day's problems, and foot rubs are to women. Women who hold out sex from a man are doing exactly the same thing as a man who never buys flowers, never takes his wife out to nice dinners, never says "I love you." Give ten guys the option of getting more sex in exchange for hearing "I love you" less often, and nine will take more sex. (The other one's a chump.)

    But you've highlighted another aspect of this. It's not just about the old in-and-out. In the same way that women want to feel like a man has gone out of his way to romance her and make her feel cherished, men want women to go out of their way to make the sex… well… more sexy.

    Here's an example… One of the girls I've dated was NOT a morning person. By any stretch. She hated morning. Unfortunately, I LOVE morning sex. It's one of my favorite things. There were very few things she did that made for a happy hambydammit day more than when she woke me up for a quickie before she went to work. I knew she was doing it because I liked it so much, not because she was horny. It was like relationship capital in the bank. Whatever she asked me for next, I was 90% likely to say yes. And she got plenty of all those things that make women feel loved because… gee… I felt loved.

    It's like magic.

  7. Athol Kay says:

    Thanks Hamby, you get it.

  8. I found this old post today. I do not recall seeing this part in your book.

    I would think the occasional anger is actually an alpha behavior. Is this wrong?

    I am much like you in not easily getting mad. I am now thinking this combined with my great tolerance and patience and nice guy tendencies, can be a hindrance. Any thoughts on this?

  9. Anonymous says:

    I select and set out lingerie for my dear Wife to wear to bed. We have a good assortment of tasteful, beautiful, respectful and sensual lingerie. We like to get together in the mornings and we get up early to take the time to enjoy one another. We do this almost every single morning other than when we have our period and she does not feel comfortable to have marital relations. Now we enjoy each other more than when we were first married over twenty years ago and we feel we finally have it right.

  10. Anonymous says:

    Since you refer to your period, and a wife, and are still having regular sex, I applaud your avoidance of lesbian bed death.

    I know we are not to take the advice of women on dating and relationships, but I wonder if some aspects of successful lesbian Game can help some of us understand women better. This actually concerns me directly as my wife left me for a woman and I know it is because her girlfriend out-betaed me. Please continue sharing!

  11. Anonymous says:

    My “temper tantrum” over the lingerie vault wasn’t near as manly. I still had no balls to stand up to my wife, so I decided that if we bought them SOMEONE was going to wear them. So I put them on and masturbated. Didn’t feel so great before, during nor after. But it was a tantrum.

  12. Frustrated says:

    I have a lingerie vault but I purchased everything myself but apparently it’s wasted on my husband. He’d notice, then tell me he’d be right there while returning to his computer game. Meanwhile I’d fall asleep while waiting for “be right there” to arrive. And he wonders why I “never initiate”.

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