She’s Getting Bored, He’s Starting To Cling

Hey Athol, I am not married, but I am in a LTR.
Anyway, the sex has decreased in the past two months. We have been together about eight. About two months ago was the first anniversary of her father’s death. Her cat died, and she left her abusive boyfriend right before her dad died. So, I know this factor has a lot to do with it, but, I don’t know what else.
The death of her father might be weighing on her mind and throwing things off, but no way to be sure of that. The prior abusive boyfriend would seem to flag that she likes excitement and drama, just not as much as he was bringing to the table.
She says I am being too needy. But, I am only expecting to have sex as often as we used to. Now, it’s once or twice a week. She isn’t very attracted to me anymore, focusing on my physical flaws: moles, hairs, warts.. whatever. She used to talk about how she like my eyes, my cock, my stomach. Simultaneously, she doesn’t feel very sexy, anymore and I don’t know why. She is obsessed with working out. She has a very hot body, but always complains about her body, and says she’s fat. (Not at all.) I know she wants sex when she feels sexy, and doesn’t want sex when she doesn’t feel sexy.
She is decreasing in her interest in you. Her “feeling less sexy” is just feeling less sexually interested in you. Her calling you “needy” means in plain english that she finds you more interested in her than she is interested in you to the point it’s becoming an actual turn off in and of itself. It’s a DLV (Display of Low Value).
Another thing she said was I am at her house all the time (as a reason why we have sex less) So I asked her if we moved in together, would the sex decrease? She had no answer.
You’re at her house a lot and this annoys her. When you pose a solution of moving in together, this is you expressing even higher interest in her just as she’s trying to get you to give her more space.
I guess she is around a 9 or 10, and I am around an 8 or 9, so I need to work out more, get bigger which is really hard for me, even though I am in really good shape.
You saying she’s a 9-10 while you are 8-9 is another indication that you are acting like the weaker partner in the relationship. Actually the “bigger is better” thought for working out is good only so far. If you have a good overall body shape that’s better than sheer bulk for female sexual interest.
She seems to try to make me jealous a lot more recently. Maybe she wants me to do it, and I haven’t realized it. Every time after she gets jealous, we have good sex. I think she wants to see me being attractive to other women.
She reacts positively to you being generally attractive and making her jealous. Most likely because it is triggering her need for high stimulation.
Anyway, thanks for the blog, bro. A lot of good stuff in there.
Most welcome.  Now some adjustments to your approach…
She likes drama and jealousy, or put another way, she likes high stimulation. So stop reacting to her so much and start just doing shit to pull her attention on to you. Don’t ask her to do stuff, simply announce something interesting that you’re going to do and expect her to follow you. Make her react to you or she just misses out on whatever fun it was.
Stop hanging out in her apartment sniffing the air for sex. Get her over to your place a lot more, then follow the rule that she needs to either go back to her place or put out and stay the night by some sort of reasonable hour.
Complaints about her body if she is in good shape are best addressed by threats of spanking her. “There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re just being a brat and brats only learn by spanking”. Remember cocky, funny, light, playful with this sort of thing.
Get over the idea that she is better than you. She’s not. Old abusive boyfriend, father passed away. You really think she doesn’t crave a strong male figure in her life? I mean really crave it.
Why not you? You can do this.

Dominance And Submission… At Work

I’ve gotten a little meaner at work in recent years. Basically I try and be nice to folks but it doesn’t work if you’re only nice. On the other hand if you’re always mean, people start hating you and avoiding you, or worse set you up for a fall. You gotta mix up the nice and the mean a little.
All the chain of command is in essence is a long chain of social dominance and submission. You just play the role of your part in the chain.
I use a lot of email, so my nice / mean defaults to this handy little policy to deal with stuff that needs to get done as a performance issue, or me getting paid / job description issues. Brainstorming, announcements etc don’t really apply to this model.
To someone ranking below me.
1st message is generally nice in tone, but still direct.
Failed to respond to first request gets original email forwarded to them and copied to their supervisor. Repeat of request without the nice tone.
Should they fail to respond to that, I simply contact their supervisor. It’s not my actual job to get them to do their job. (Anyone directly reporting to me at a 3rd contact simply gets written up and I ensure the task completion.)
To peer rank.
1st message is nice in tone plus direct.
Failure to respond original email forwarded to them, and/or a call to find out what is going on.
If a third contact is needed it’s by email and a copy goes to my supervisor.
A fourth contact is to them, my supervisor (and their supervisor if we don’t share one). Usually by this point I can’t compete my task at all without the assistance and I state that if it is true and move on to a different task until the problem is fixed.
To someone ranking above me.
1st message is typically short and direct. Minimize time wasting.
If something was going to be done / promised and is taking a long time, I prompt later and offer assistance towards completion if I can.
Rarely do I reject an answer, but in those rare times that I go a layer up the chain of command above my supervisor, I tell them that I am particularly serious on an issue and request their permission to go above them. This seems weak, but they almost always agree to it or grant my original request anyway. If they don’t, well that becomes one for the shit hits the fan archives. Too many of these events and the relationship between us is starting to break down anyway. I start contingency planning.
As an aside, “sensitive issues” are always attempted to be dealt with verbally and/or in person as quickly as possible. Failing that I just bite the bullet and it’s a paper trail as usual. Even if I look bad.
So basically you start pleasant, but aren’t afraid to use authority either. It’s amazing how nice everyone is after you start sticking to this policy. You have to stick with it though.

Don’t Bump Back On Your Wife For Someone Else’s Shit Test

“It appears in your anger Lord Vader you killed her.”
It can take a lot longer to build something up than it takes to tear it down. At some point in the process of balancing out your Alpha and Beta traits and generally becoming a little more sexy and triggering her attraction better, you’re going to have a really shitty day at work.
How you transition from work to home on these days can make all the difference.
Talking about your day is all well and good, but for the most part your work aggro needs to be dealt with at work and not spill over into home. If you come home with a head of steam and tear your wife’s head off over a minor home issue, you can undo months of progression. Wives do not get gina tingles for being side swiped verbally over someone elses shit. They simply think you’re a jerk at best and a scary menace at worst. You lose points. The worse you are the more you lose.
Likewise if home is rough, you don’t go into work and start ranting like a bull that got pepper sprayed on it’s asshole. HR is usually not amused by that. Especially if your defense was that you only shook them a bit and never actually hit them.
Personally the method both Jennifer and I use with each other is to simply tell each other that we are having a bad day in advance of making further demands on each other. We’re both accommodating of each other on these days.
Anyway, I have to cut this post short. The air conditioners have been running all day with an open window in the girls bathroom and their sink is completely clogged. Been slowly clogging for weeks apparently…

Edit:  Fish Tank Rocks 34    Bathroom Sink 0      Home Frakking Depot here we come….

How To Fall Back In Love Together

Time to play a little game with the wife…
You each get two pieces of paper and a pen. At the top of one piece of paper write, “if I was really really crazy in love with you, I would…”  On the top of the other write, “if you were really really crazy in love with me, I’d like you to…”
Then go ahead and fill out at least ten things on each paper without peeking at what the other is writing. You can take ten minutes, or an hour, or a day or however long you want to.
Then you compare each others lists. Comparing your “if I was in love with you I would…” list against her “if you were in love with me I’d like you to…” list and vice a versa.
The lists would be interesting in and of themselves, but you’re also looking for the sweet spot where the same thing turns up on both lists. Meaning if your “if I was crazy in love with you” list had buying flowers for her and her “if he was crazy in love with me I’d like him to” list had he would buy flowers for me, well you giving her flowers is a sweet spot.
Obviously you do those sweet spot items. That’s a no brainer. When you perform behaviors expressing feelings it tends to intensify those feelings. So giving flowers say not only expresses love, but it strengthens the feelings of love in the giver.
But also don’t neglect to do some of the other items as well. If say he likes giving flowers, but she is somewhat unexcited about getting them, he should still give them once in a while. The behavior of expressing romantic love will reinforce his feelings for her. It may seem to be a little fake for her to happily accept flowers and make a little fuss about them, but she should do so knowing that he’s expressing himself for her and his feelings are intensifying towards her.
Likewise if giving flowers is a total zero for him, but she loves them, he should give them to her once in a while. Receiving them would be be reinforcing of her feelings for him. And yes it is a little fake of him to give them, but it’s also saying that in effect he knows what she likes and cares enough to woo her.
With enough repetition of in love behavior, it’s very possible to rekindled lost feelings of love together. Yes it does take some effort and seems a little fake at first, but it’s really no different that those first few weeks of heading back to the gym to try and get back into shape. Feels weird, some times it hurts a little, but you just have to plow it though and the positive feelings will return.
It works because you are both sending and receiving messages of love in the way you are expecting to give and receive them. Sometimes the love has been there the whole time, but it’s just like you’ve been talking in different languages and never been hearing each other.
And of course everything above about buying flowers applies exactly the same for blowjobs.  Just sayin’.

Female Body Language 101

I love what you can find on Google Image.

Sexy Move: Spider Killing Duty

Spider killing duty.
You’re up big guy.
That is all.
Seriously don’t dare flinch at the killing of small animal pests. Take basic precautions and then wade into the fray.

Beware Of Asking For Marriage Advice From Close Friends

All marriages have rough spots where things aren’t working as well as they could. For the most part this is pretty normal to have ups and downs. It’s also not usual to talk about things with an outside person to gain perspective on what’s going on in the relationship.
However in the downs be careful about who you confide in about your marriage. If you share things with a female friend, that can turn into a bridge towards an emotional entanglement that diverts energy away from the marriage. Odds are you’re not actually going to share this stuff with an unattractive female friend that you have no passing interest in, right…
…yeah I thought so.
Repeat after me… “I never meant for this to happen, we just started talking to..
Buy Me!

Being The Alpha Male Of The Family Group

It’s important to understand that being a husband usually comes with a dual role of fatherhood. The close relative of the Alpha Male traits is being the Alpha Male of the Group (AMOG). In other words leadership of your wife has also got to be leadership of the children as well. If a kid is running the show you aren’t the AMOG, they are. Which is really really bad on so many levels.

So if the kids are running about uncontrolled you’re screwing up the whole thing and look increasingly Beta at best and Omega at worst. You’re responsible for the raising of the kids, more responsible for them than your wife is. As I’ve said before you’re the Captain and she’s the First Officer. Oh sure the mom can step up and kick ass and take names if need be, but for the really nasty stuff she feels like G.I. Jane when she’d probably rather be Barbie. Ideally a Barbie hooking up with a G.I. Joe. (I mean seriously, we all knew Ken was nervous about G.I. Joe right?)

Anyway… we just had an icky moment in the family where eldest daughter had to be disappointed on something she wanted to do due to us not feeling comfortable about it. Bear in mind that this is a very good kid who gives us minimal trouble if any. She’s saved up cash and dreamed about X coming around again ever since she did X last year. We were cool with X. X was approved. But last week Y was tacked onto X. And her friends were doing Y. Y was going to be very cool.

Ummm… I’m not sure I’d let Jennifer do Y lol.

So Y was not going to be approved.

But there may be a complete meltdown.

I get to be the bad guy.

So anyway, grab my calendar and we all sit down together and I pull the trigger on Y explaining why and move into problem solving to get her X together. Jennifer backing me up. By the time we’re done Y seems like more of a fantasy idea and we’ve maximized the X. Everything goes very very smoothly. Phew. Like I said she’s a great kid, but this is like “the thing” that she reaaaaaaaally wants.

Plus we also authorize eldest to use “over controlling parents” as an excuse to justify her lack of ability to Y. She looks a little relived to be given a way out of Y to be honest.

The important point in terms of husband-wife relationship though is this; if I hadn’t put a stop to it, Jennifer would have anyway. But she would have lost a little respect for me. After all if I can’t stand up to a 90lb 8th Grader, an actual adult female would mop the floor with me.  That’s fail.

Discipline sounds like a harsh word, but often it really isn’t in practice… These are the limits, these are the consequences of the limits being broken. This is me not enabling you to break the limits. I can easily not drive you in the car all day long. You made a huge scene when we left there, so I’m not taking you back for a week. You are screaming at me like an asshole, so this conversation stops until you can express yourself appropriately. You are having a tantrum in public, so we are leaving public now. Yes I understand that we left a shopping cart full of food behind, we can make cheese sandwiches at home. Thank you for being good, let’s get ice cream. You were both well behaved then, thank you. Yada yada yada.

When you discipline one kid, you actually discipline them all. Daughter #2 isn’t getting to do Y either should Y come up and should it be offered to her she’ll just say “my parents won’t let me do that”. The kids are a social unit and they expect discipline to apply to all. (and you’re screwed if you don’t lol) Likewise when you discipline your kids, you’re actually disciplining your wife as well, and vice a versa. This is how we treat each other in this family.

Positive touch, kind words, humor, playfulness are likewise tools in the discipline tool chest as well. Playfully grabbing your wife and kissing her in front of the kids, or cuddling on the couch together, might make the kids groan in mock horror, but they do find it enormously comforting. Mom and Dad still love each other, which implies they still love me. Together you can set a tone for the whole family’s interactions together.

But mostly the person you’re disciplining is you.

Sext Move: Toasted Marshmallows… Spluck Her Good

Sometimes all you have to do to impress a woman is to do one little thing that surprises and delights her. Ideally that thing you do involves a skill rather than simply giving her something. Chocolates please her for about one tenth of a second, what I can show you here is going to give her a memorable moment.
So anyway… toasting marshmallows. At some point you’re going to end up by a fire and everyone is going to be toasting marshmallows. Here’s how you blow her mind with the humble marshmallow.
Now all the Omegas are just going to shove a marshmallow on a stick and then hold it way too close to the fire and brown the outside of the marshmallow before eating it. Or worse they will simply set the damn thing on fire and blow it out and consider that a job well done. No son, that’s a burnt piece of crap, your woman will not be pleased.
The trick is simple. You stay away from the leaping flames and find a good spot of glowing embers giving off a decent heat. Then while you hold the marshmallow over the embers you slowly keep it turning on the stick. Think rotisserie marshmallow. Just turn, turn, turn, turn. If you do it just right you can cook the marshmallow so that while the outside doesn’t burn, the inside of the marshmallow heats up enough to turn into a gooey liquid.
You know that the inside of the marshmallow has turned into a gooey liquid when the marshmallow stops turning on the stick. You can turn the stick and it just kind of stays in place. If you continue on cooking the marshmallow much beyond this point it just falls off the stick into the fire. (Oh and it’s not terribly hot either. Marshmallows liquefy at a fairly moderate temperature. Try one yourself first and see.)
Now confidently stride up to your mark and present your marshmallow. Importantly she needs to take the whole thing into her mouth. The marshmallow will have a little mini explosion when she pushes it against the roof of her mouth with her tongue. The technical term for this is “Splucking”. Toasted marshmallows should spluck. Anyway if she bites into half of it, half of the gooey white stuff will end up dripping off her lips and chin. Which is a good look, but you really want to train her to swallow the whole thing.
You should get a look of genuine surprise and delight from anyone that hasn’t been previously splucked. Just maintain eye contact and smile a crooked naughty grin…
… “now imagine what I could do to you”.

Female Loyalty Is A Selling Point

“Plus for my female readers, the core of this post “in love” vs pair bond works exactly the same way for men too. Be advised to show cleavage and leave no question in his mind that you’re good in the sack. At the heart of things, this is what men want from marriage and how they experience love and pair bond to you. The rest is just details.”
To which Susan asked…
“Oh, I would love to hear you expand on this. What men really want – and how women can offer enough value to get men to commit, even if they don’t have to.”
I was thinking about an answer when commenter Slwerner left a fabulous comment that shouldn’t be missed out on. I’m just reprinting it in full, have no clue who he is and no blog to link back to. So here it is….
/Athol OFF
Athol,
I’ve been reading your blog for some time without commenting. But, let me start out by saying that I, and my marriage, are living proof of much of what you have been saying. About 20 years ago, I found my marriage under attack by a would be interloper who was targeting my wife. I had fallen into the typical beta patterns after 5 years of marriage and 2 kids, setting the stage for the prototypical cad to try to step in. (bear with me, because I am getting around to Susan’s question – sort of)
Having fortunately found the place where I’m been storing my testicles in time to ward off an impending martial disaster, I can now look back over 20 subsequent years of rather happy marriage and sustained 400+ sex/yr, and I can ponder what it is that she has since given me that has made all the difference.
Well, in addition to lots of great passionate sex, the thing that pops out to me is the loyalty and the way she has learned to “telegraph” her continued loyalty to me. I don’t think men always realize how much they actually value loyalty until it’s lost; but, given that women’s infidelity can lead to her bearing another man’s child, I believe that female loyalty has been highly prized by men since well before recorded history began.
I don’t know how women might best indicate to men that they are interested in that they will be loyal in the long-term, but, I sure no how woman show that they may well not be.
The way they most show there lack of (potential) loyalty is the way many women will “disengage” from their own man when another (of higher alpha-ness, typically) man approaches (been there).
I see it occurring all the time in social settings. a woman is obviously with one man (holding hands, his arm around her, or hers around his waist, etc.). But then the other man comes near, and not only does the woman move away from her man, she will often step between her man and the approaching man, facing that incoming man, with her back to her man. (observe some social settings and see if I’m not right about the frequency with which this occurs). Could it be any more obvious a signal that she’s willing to consider “other offers”?
Having had open and frank communication with my wife, in such situations, she will routinely seek to reassure me of her loyalty to me by slipping her arm around me and giving me a little squeeze. Even though I’ve developed a good deal of what is often termed “LTR Game”, and feel I can “keep” my wife by being the confident man, I can tell you (and women like Susan) that it’s still a welcome reassurance that she is thinking of me when other men are around.
/Athol ON
And I’m back…   I think the loyalty observation is key here. Men want a highly sexual woman as a partner, but we also want a loyal one. I think we often get stuck with a viewpoint that either a woman is low sex and loyal, or high sex and disloyal. There’s an element of truth in there, but it’s not always the whole story.
Many thanks Slwerner.