Thirteen hour day so defaulting to a great success story email.
My wife and I are in our early 40s, for what it’s worth…
I was lucky enough (or unlucky enough) to marry up – my wife’s natural sex rank is at least a point higher than mine. This meant that when things were going well I was the luckiest guy in the world, but more often than not it meant sex was a cause of friction. Fortunately we’re both fiercely loyal people, so cheating has never been a concern, but we’ve had cyclical stints in our 14 year marriage where sex became very infrequent (once a month or less) and would cause enough friction to discuss the D word.
The last couple of years had been the worst we’ve seen. My wife decided to get back into shape after a decade of frustration over her post-kids body. At the same time, my income cratered in the Great Recession. I was working longer hours than ever, making less money, and somewhere along the line had stopped working out. I didn’t realize it, but she was growing more frustrated by the day. This caused her to act ever more “high maintenance”, and I continued to back off. Knowing that my actions would be wrong (whatever they were), I stopped taking action. By Christmas 2009 we had achieved the ultimate unhealthy relationship.
Sex-wise, my wife had become hotter than ever. I wanted sex, and asked for it, almost every night but she rarely complied; most nights I could hardly sleep due to my raging desire and blue-balls! But the thought of not seeing my kids was unbearable, so I decided to stay put as long as she would let me. Then, suddenly and completely by accident, things changed.
One day in January I got mad enough at myself for being such a wimp in such a bad situation. I vowed not to ask for sex anymore. My bedtime routine became a beer, a benadryl, and my tight-fitting workout boxer briefs. It seemed lame, but I was able to stop pawing at her and get some sleep! I also forced myself to stop caring whether or not she approved of my actions, especially regarding the kids. I became a better dad and a little more alpha in our relationship – not by strategy but by truly not caring anymore.
The next month I started working out again. Not for any sex or alpha or relationship reason, but just as a way to get back into shape and to relieve some stress.
It didn’t take long for our relationship to change. We started having sex again, and then having it more frequently. It became less of an ‘event’ and instead a more natural evolution of what we were feeling.
Later in the spring somebody introduced me to your blog, and I started trying different ideas ‘on purpose’ instead of by accident. One night I declared that pajama pants are no longer allowed in our bed – a nightie or t-shirt with a thong would be sufficient. I’m not sure what I expected, and I didn’t have a backup plan in place for when she said no, but she complied. Occasionally, while we were cleaning up after dinner, I would let her know what she could expect later that night.. Those nice always ended perfectly! My boldest demand came on a night when she was in bed before me and comfortably snuggled up reading her book. I told her if she wants to continue reading her book, she would have to read it standing up and bent over the bed, resting on her elbows. Believe me, that scene, with her wearing a cami and thong… let’s just say we’ll have to repeat that one!
Anyway – we’re now a very happy and healthy couple. We have sex a couple times a week, sometimes more, and the sex is better than it’s been in years. We have more fun together outside the bedroom too – more friendship, more respect, more enjoyment. Life is good. (and so is your advice!) Thank you!
Things were heading towards the right direction before he came across the blog, but he was doing the same principles I suggest so it’s another win for the theory. There is no instant fix, but these basic ideas are straightforward and simple. As long as you don’t leave it too long, getting your stride back is very possible.