Hey Athol, I am not married, but I am in a LTR.
Anyway, the sex has decreased in the past two months. We have been together about eight. About two months ago was the first anniversary of her father’s death. Her cat died, and she left her abusive boyfriend right before her dad died. So, I know this factor has a lot to do with it, but, I don’t know what else.
The death of her father might be weighing on her mind and throwing things off, but no way to be sure of that. The prior abusive boyfriend would seem to flag that she likes excitement and drama, just not as much as he was bringing to the table.
She says I am being too needy. But, I am only expecting to have sex as often as we used to. Now, it’s once or twice a week. She isn’t very attracted to me anymore, focusing on my physical flaws: moles, hairs, warts.. whatever. She used to talk about how she like my eyes, my cock, my stomach. Simultaneously, she doesn’t feel very sexy, anymore and I don’t know why. She is obsessed with working out. She has a very hot body, but always complains about her body, and says she’s fat. (Not at all.) I know she wants sex when she feels sexy, and doesn’t want sex when she doesn’t feel sexy.
She is decreasing in her interest in you. Her “feeling less sexy” is just feeling less sexually interested in you. Her calling you “needy” means in plain english that she finds you more interested in her than she is interested in you to the point it’s becoming an actual turn off in and of itself. It’s a DLV (Display of Low Value).
Another thing she said was I am at her house all the time (as a reason why we have sex less) So I asked her if we moved in together, would the sex decrease? She had no answer.
You’re at her house a lot and this annoys her. When you pose a solution of moving in together, this is you expressing even higher interest in her just as she’s trying to get you to give her more space.
I guess she is around a 9 or 10, and I am around an 8 or 9, so I need to work out more, get bigger which is really hard for me, even though I am in really good shape.
You saying she’s a 9-10 while you are 8-9 is another indication that you are acting like the weaker partner in the relationship. Actually the “bigger is better” thought for working out is good only so far. If you have a good overall body shape that’s better than sheer bulk for female sexual interest.
She seems to try to make me jealous a lot more recently. Maybe she wants me to do it, and I haven’t realized it. Every time after she gets jealous, we have good sex. I think she wants to see me being attractive to other women.
She reacts positively to you being generally attractive and making her jealous. Most likely because it is triggering her need for high stimulation.
Anyway, thanks for the blog, bro. A lot of good stuff in there.
Most welcome. Now some adjustments to your approach…
She likes drama and jealousy, or put another way, she likes high stimulation. So stop reacting to her so much and start just doing shit to pull her attention on to you. Don’t ask her to do stuff, simply announce something interesting that you’re going to do and expect her to follow you. Make her react to you or she just misses out on whatever fun it was.
Stop hanging out in her apartment sniffing the air for sex. Get her over to your place a lot more, then follow the rule that she needs to either go back to her place or put out and stay the night by some sort of reasonable hour.
Complaints about her body if she is in good shape are best addressed by threats of spanking her. “There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re just being a brat and brats only learn by spanking”. Remember cocky, funny, light, playful with this sort of thing.
Get over the idea that she is better than you. She’s not. Old abusive boyfriend, father passed away. You really think she doesn’t crave a strong male figure in her life? I mean really crave it.
Why not you? You can do this.
Anonymous says
Sounds like this was a hot n' heavy thing that's just finally burning out…sex is good fun and all that, but you can't base a relationship on it. I learned that myself, back in the day! The body obsession and gym mania indicates she's aware it's time to get back on the market and she has to look her best. Also, the anniversary of her father's death may just be compelling her to take a more serious look at her life overall; the relationship is being evaluated and found lacking.
Hate to sound so pessimistic about this guy's chances, but trying to lure a bored girlfriend over to your place and even worse, giving her an evening curfew / "put out or get out" ultimatum would probably give the death blow to the relationship. Maybe time to just call it a day?
Ulysses says
Anon – It's all in the execution. If he phrases it as a desperate curfew, i.e. feigns having an upper hand without having the upper hand, the results will be as you predict. If he phrases it as being her choice, to lose or to gain, and also conveys that it matters not one whit to him, then it could be a catalyst to a better relationship instead of a death blow.
Ferdinand Bardamu says
I can't help but laugh at the fact that the ad displayed below this post in my Google Reader was "End Vaginal Dryness Naturally".
Anonymous says
Well put. The general advice: DPAP. She's already got one.
Athol Kay says
DPAP? I googled and got thirty possiblties of the acronym, but no joy…
@ Ferdinand – Google Adwords hates me, but it's the only thing that's paying me so far.
Athol Kay says
Anon, Ulysses has it right, it's all in the execution. If she's there at 11pm on a week night it's a simple, "I've got work in the morning, coming to bed or going home?"
11pm is the make sexy time. Very nice.
Krapulax says
Well, it's obvious her attraction for him is fading away.
Attraction being alpha territory I'd suggest "manning up" – no shaming here, I mean it in a positive sense
(I experienced these ups-and-downs in my latest LTR to a lesser degree, and I "used my own advice" with success so I recommend it heartily.)
Be more dominant, command respect, etc.
Also you might artificially raise your attractiveness by using some "tricks"; make her jealous by indirectly(!) showing her other women are interested in you, etc.
If you don't know how it's done, read some PUA material.
Relationships with these problems are not yet doomed. You can save things if you act quickly and decisively. It's no time to whine or hesitate.
As I said it here a few times before: there are times when better beta skills are needed but in this case no amount of beta can help. Be more alpha.
Pol Mordreth says
Krapulax,
You are exactly right. Sounds like this guy has the beta traits all in place. Just have to raise the alpha and DHV.
Semi OT, Athol, I have to thank you. Since I have been reading and applying game related knowledge in my marriage, fights are down, sex is up, and everyone is happier. I was the natural alpha during the dating phase, but the natural beta once married and we started having kids. Reinserting the alpha techniques was counterintuitive based on how I was raised and what women claim to want, including my wife, but revealed preference is greater than stated preference.
Regards,
Pol
Athol Kay says
Krapulax – excellent comment, we're all chanting the same thought here.
Pol – Praising me is never off topic lol.
But yes this is all I've been saying all along. And yup they sure do say the opposite of what works don't they.
Anonymous says
I would say instead of trying to really salvage this relationship, take the lessons learned and get out to apply them to a less dramatic more flexible women. Jealousy is a natural emotion we have in order to protect our relationships but if she needs that much maintenance, you first have to answer the question that is it worth it to your psyche to be with this girl, if not copy and paste the above answers and apply it to a relationship with the next one.
Anonymous says
She sounds like a bitch. Why doesn't he just let her walk away if she is going to have such a crappy attitude?