I’ve read a number of places on game blogs about the idea of simply bypassing marrying an American women due to their sexual hang ups / sluttiness / gold digging / sense of entitlement and marry a foreign woman from a more traditional culture.
I’ve had some minor experience with this.
Back in the good old days of evangelical Christianity I did a short term mission stint in Fiji. Not the touristy Fijian island, but the more heavily populated with ethnically Indian island of Fiji. That’s as in Indian’s transported from India as workers/slaves courtesy of ye olde British Empire. Periodically the Indian group gets the short end of the stick from the more properly Fijian group and while I was there the stick was getting rattled loudly. A few months after I left the military coup went down and the stick came out properly.
Anyway… here’s how a typical attempt at me buying something in a store went…
Sometimes you just have to step in and order her to bed….
Jennifer is wore out lol. I even offered her a three day pass of getting off sex seeing she was working long hours all Friday, Saturday and Sunday, but she passed up all three days and we ended up having sex anyway. She put the moves on me more than I her. Perhaps the final session of sex before said three day pass was due to start had an effect. You are so welcome baby lol.
Plus as I framed the situation to her before it started… “you can’t hold out three days anyway”.
However tonight she passed out on the couch for about half the evening. There’s a lot to do before we go. I’ll offer her the same deal tonight and she really can say no. It’s not like I tantrum or anything, I just take a long time to fall asleep is all.
I’d offer a choice of go to bed or a light spanking, but that just makes it worse…
Firstly I don’t think I’ve ever misled readers into thinking I’m something I’m not. I’m on my real name and pretty much laying it all out in the open with my relationship and sexual history. Furthermore I’ve many times framed monogamy and marriage simply as a sexual/life strategy, which also implies that there are other strategies out there to pursue. In a general sense though I am advocating monogamy.
We are all captives to our choices. What we have done in the past affects our ability to make choices now. The choices we are making today affect our outcomes in the future. Marriage as I have made clear is a significant choice that carries with it enormous risks and benefits, if it all works it’s wonderful, if it all goes to hell it’s definitely not. However that doesn’t mean being single is without a similar risk/benefit outcome either.
The freedoms of being single are more easily understood than the risks. Having worked long term care I can assure you that those patients without children have a much worse endgame than those that have family. Both in terms of having regular visitors advocating for better care, and just the desire to perish from the sheer despair of realizing the limits of your circumstances. I found just working in long term care gruesomely awful, I cannot imagine having to live in it.
Likewise the longer you stay single the less your options to ever decide to change tracks and get married are. The game community hammers this point home on women who realize with horror at age 35 or so that with fading beauty and rancid eggs she has awful marriage value. The moment of horror comes later for men, but it does eventually come. Unless you’ve got assloads of cash a 40 year old man that’s never married and never fathered a child probably is getting close to being written off by women as just unable to form a serious partnership even if they wanted to. Definitely by 45.
If you’re single you are the only real safety net for you. Life is going to throw a curve ball or two at you and what can more easily be absorbed and deflected by a couple, may break a single. A job loss and a medical event can utterly destroy a single, as opposed to damaging a couple. This is part of the reason why gay people are fighting so hard to have gay marriage accepted and allowed. Marriage can be a mutual insurance plan. Sometime I help Jennifer, sometimes she helps me. Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose, but we win and lose as a team.
And yes I’m upbeat about things. I’m not going to go all Law of Attraction silly about things and Positive Thinking isn’t a magical spell that banishes everything hard from life, I just see no point in whimpering through life like prey. You shouldn’t step up to anything with the mindset that you’re going to have your ass handed to you.
We can’t really afford it, and it’s semi-bad timing, but we’re having a two week trip to New Zealand in about a week. Usually Jennifer has Obsessive Trip Planning Disorder (OTPD) that lasts for upwards of six months before a family vacation, this time everything has largely been accomplished in under six days. We did some of it together, but she just remembers so many little things I forget.
About a week ago we got the news that Dad’s up and down battle with cancer was no longer going to be something that could be won. How long is left is unknown, but we’re going to be heading out to see him while there’s still time.
Though I am not really ready for this at all. Of our four parents, Dad was the healthiest and the most energetic. He was still racing go-karts competitively until the cancer treatments started making him sit racing out in 2008. He’s 64. So WTF.
Life is difficult at times, and it’s easy to postpone your dreams, especially if the mundane things are starting to add up a tally against you. Your dreams and special desires are part of what animates you as a person though and makes you vital, alive and for a lack of a better word… sexy.
Almost always for anything that really matters, there’s never a perfect time. Sometimes when you wait for that perfect moment of readiness, it never comes and time and life passes you by. No one else will care that you missed out on doing something that you really wanted to do. You just have to go do it.
This post is aimed mostly at readers that are religious believers and as a caveat to everyone reading I just wish to be clear that I am not religious myself and whatever your religion is… your religion frightens and confuses me.
When you reach for a higher authority to justify that you should be leading a relationship, the implication is that you don’t actually have the innate authority to lead the relationship. So when she hears “God says in the Bible that you have to submit to me”, the message she actually hears between the lines is “I’m not actually very dominant and I need to reach for the Big Guy on this one” and it’s perceived as a terribly lame attempt to control her.
It’s like you’re lobbing a softball at her to be batted out of the park as a Fitness Test. You’re actually Displaying Low Value the same way a little brother does to an older sister when he says “if you do that I’m gonna tell Mom“. She might comply for a while but the hating your guts part lasts longer.
So in general I advise avoiding focusing on those particular areas of scripture and just focus on learning to lead the relationship more. Don’t worry about forcing submission – it’s marriage not an MMA match – just start leading and trying to make things happen more frequently. If she is naturally less dominant than you she will start following along anyway. Just give it time and don’t reach for the shortcut as it tends to backfire on you.
If you want to do Bible Study together or something…. fine, go ahead, it’s a big book, just don’t ram the submission stuff down her throat. If she’s been in the church for more than a year she’ll absolutely know about those particular scriptures anyway. It’s all a red herring to try and get her to publicly agree with them to you. She doesn’t actually need to verbalize that she is submissive to be submissive and enjoy it. Plenty of wives broadly assert that they are not submissive at all, but if you give them a playful swat on the ass and tell them it’s bedtime they giggle and follow you in anyway. It’s often just a lot of talk.
And obviously if you are leading the relationship and having a more dominant / submissive interaction with each other, then there’s no need to tell her to do what she is already doing via scripture quotes.
And just for the record, I don’t think wives should submit to their husbands as a requirement. I just think for most women they want to be in a relationship with a man that evokes that desire to submit in them. That’s what all that talk about wanting “a strong man” is about. You know… all those billions of romance novels they wolf down every year. It’s really pretty obvious isn’t it.
Via Hidden Leaves…
“I didn’t even know that your wife had a career. So it really piqued my interest to read about your debate about leadership in your marriage. I face a similar struggle myself. Our marriage is often too equal and therefore a perpetual power struggle. I would be very interested in your experiences in this realm. Other bloggers like Athol seem to be gifted enough to be married to completely submissive women and there is no one talking about how to maintain a successful marriage to a (feminist influenced) woman who rationally thinks she wants equality even though that’s not how things play out all the time in the relationship.”
Well yes and no. Jennifer is submissive, but…
Nothing like a little family conflict and drama to reduce your home life to a shambles. The official rank order of which role you play with the greatest concern and attention is…
6+ Anything Else
Screw that order of priority up and that might be the only thing you get to screw. There is no greater cockblock than siding with your mother against your wife.
Also it’s completely vital to frame that as “I am a husband first” rather than “What my wife wants/needs is most important”. Being a husband is a choice you are making for you and gives you the locus of being in self-control, marriage isn’t something that is happening to you, it is something that you are making happen.
Which is not to say that you won’t help somebody lower on the list, just that on balance you’ll stick to it.
I’ve read a few blogs recently that have stated little passing snippets that “most women are bad in bed”. I hadn’t thought much of it until I realized that I was seeing it here, there and everywhere.
The answer is yes it’s true, most women are bad in bed. As are most men.
One of the great things about being married is you have enough time to make a few mistakes and still correct things. Sometimes you just have a conversation about what is working or not working in the relationship and most particularly in the bedroom.
Jennifer and I have always had a good relationship, but it’s really been a series of long plateaus followed by leaps upwards in understanding. Especially in the bedroom it can take years to learn each others buttons and hot spots.
Sometimes you even change physiologically over the years as well. I remember back in my twenties my balls were too sensitive to touch during sex and I’d just tense up from it. Everything about touching them just resulted in a sensation of weird discomfort. At some point around age 30 they started feeling deliciously good from being played with. We had to talk about that seeing I had made it expressly clear in a couple of short sharp directives to Jennifer that they weren’t to be trifled with.
“I thought you hated that”.
“I thought I did too, it’s just different now somehow”.
“Well ok, I can do that”.
See. How complicated of a technique is that. Talking. Try it.
Now watch the video. Go on, it’s part of the flow of the post. Oh and while it isn’t freaky weird it’s probably NSFW either so be advised.
Many women like being tossed around the bedroom a bit. But you do have to have a conversation about it before you really roll the dice on this one. In this day and age it actually takes a lot more trust from the man than it does from the woman to engage in what amounts to basically vigorous vanilla sex.
So yeah if she happens to like the faux rape fantasy thing there are going to be a few times where it isn’t all that rapey and far more faux. But give it some time and six months later you both may have the move down and not be nearly as awkward. A reasonable minority of women like this sort of thing, a majority of women like “rough” sex. Pretty much all of them like it at least vigorous once in a while.
So you talk and you try new things – only about 30% of the things we have tried have really worked for us, but we have tried an awful lot of things. Sex is a team sport unless it’s masturbation. This is how you both get good with each other. I’m by no means a bad lay myself. But I do Jennifer much better than I would somebody I was having a first time with.
So yeah, most women are bad in bed… at first. But as long as they are into you and willing to learn, the sky is the limit. You just have to set that intention into your marriage.