I always love a good success story. Often they have little nuggets of excellence advice in them too. Here’s Louie’s story…
A couple of months ago I was at wits end with my wife. Our relationship was generally pretty good, but she was shooting down the majority of my sexual approaches. Sex had become a once every two months kind of thing. I tried confronting her about it, but this seemed to accomplish nothing. I briefly considered an ultimatum, but I knew deep down that I was not prepared to actually follow through on it. I love my wife and kids too much to ever blow their world apart like that. You should only give ultimatums when you really mean it.
Since I did not have any better plans, I decided to try an experiment. I knew that my lack of sexual success was probably caused by a lack of sexual value. I have always been a Beta type of guy. I decided to try acting like I was an Alpha for a while and see what happened.
I would walk up to my wife, grab her belt or her waist and pull her in for some kissing.
When she blew up at me over something I would just smile or laugh. I did not take her anger seriously, although I did listen to what she was saying and calmly respond to it.
When she barked an order at me I would say “I would happy to do that if you would ask nicely.”
When she was in a bad mood I make jokes to cheer her up, even if I was the cause of her bad mood.
I was not at all expecting to get away with this. I fully expected her to pull away from my kisses or tell me off. Funny thing though, she seemed to like it this way. I got some confused looks at first, but then she decided to play along.
Now if she barks an order at me, I just have to raise my eyebrows and she smiles and says “Please”.
If I grab her waist and pull her toward me she happily walks into my arms.
I am truly shocked by how successful this was. Two months of simply acting more like an Alpha has had more positive effect on our marriage than 5 years of arguing with her about my needs.
This weekend was the first time in years that my wife complained about how long it has been since we made love. The fact that it didn’t happen (due to a sick kid) is irrelevant. It shows that the pendulum is swinging.
I am a convert.
So what’s your story? Send it to Athol(dot)Kay@Gmail(dot)com
You are required to watch the following short safe for work video for this post to make any sense.
Now unless you are some sort of sociopath, you probably liked that little song. In fact some of you have already started replaying the damn thing and are trying to read this, but are also trying to sing chicken monkey duck as you read as well. My female readers have probably just gone en mass to Facebook to update the world about this addictive little song. I’ll still be here when you get back.
It’s catchy and it’s hard not to like it and there’s a very good reason why we like it. We big brained humans love to find patterns in things and solve puzzles. Finding something semi-random that almost borders on a pattern is very stimulating and it kicks up our brains to try and solve a puzzle that may or may not have a solution.
Faced with something completely non-random and repetitive, say simply the word “chicken” as the only lyric repeated a hundred times, we’d quickly become bored and we’d hate the song. Likewise if it’s too complicated for us to figure out the pattern and it just seems totally random, we tend to just shut down and ignore it. A great example of that would be 3.14159 26535 89793 23846 26433 83279 50288 41971 69399 37510… which for those that didn’t feel woozy in math class, you’d recognize as Pi. Personally I get to 3.14 and I’m all done with caring about Pi. If you can actually memorize Pi to anything more than ten decimal places it actually turns into a Display of Low Value everywhere outside of a Star Trek convention. Even then it’s only a Display of High Value if you’re dressed as Lt.Commander Data. Though it probably would make a great password combination to lock your wife out of your laptop.
We love semi-random patterns and are stimulated by them… so…
Missionary, doggy, doggy, cowgirl, missionary, missionary, doggy, missionary, doggy, cowgirl, cowgirl, missionary, doggy, missionary, missionary, doggy, cowgirl, missionary, doggy, cowgirl, missionary, doggy, doggy, doggy, missionary…. reverse cowgirl.
Alpha, beta, beta, alpha, beta, alpha, beta, beta, beta, alpha, beta, alpha, alpha, beta, alpha, alpha, beta, beta, alpha, beta, beta, alpha, beta, alpha, alpha, alpha, beta, alpha, beta, alpha, alpha, beta…. alpha force of nature.
Kiss, kiss, spank, funny, kiss, funny, spank, spank, funny, kiss, kiss, funny, funny, spank, funny, kiss, spank, spank, kiss, funny, spank, kiss, funny, kiss, kiss, spank, funny, kiss, spank, funny, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss… money shot.
Be wary of women that want a wedding more than a marriage….
Also be wary of women that don’t even acknowledge that there is even another half of the couple. If she’s shrieking “this is my wedding” at anyone as opposed to saying “it’s our wedding” it means everything is all about her. Plus they intend it to be that way forever.
Also be wary of women that routinely purposefully break the rules of grammar and can’t use proper capitalization etc, note the “i” as opposed to an “I”…
… I suspect it means they do not feel that the rules that apply to everyone else apply to them. Be advised.
Cynical wedding reception DJ choice for the first dance together…
Following on from the day before yesterday where the scenario is (1) she wants you out, and (2) there is no other man in the picture – which is NOT a guarantee just because she has stated no one else is involved – and (3) the cause of the problem is largely your lack of attention at holding up your end of the deal in the relationship.
One simple thing that you can do each day to keep love alive, even when things are very bad between you, is what I call a Pilot Light move.
The idea is you perform one small act of service for her each day as an intentional act of love, and in doing it for her, she receives it and acknowledges your motivation for doing so is love. Also the act of service isn’t random, ideally she tells you what that act would be that she would appreciate.
The act of service can be as simple as; make her a cup of coffee each morning, buy her a flower each day, write her a note of thanks for something, clean the kitchen counter off before bed at night, spend five minutes just listening to her. And yes indeed all this sounds very Beta.
The point is that when her interest in you is so low that she’s just thinking about leaving you, you’ve somehow screwed up in multiple small (and large) ways how you relate to her for a very long time. By asking her exactly what it is that you can do that wouldn’t be screwing up in relating to her, you ensure that you find if nothing else ONE small way to get it right.
Sometimes the core problem is not that you don’t love her, but that the way you try and express it doesn’t hit the buttons she wants hit for her to experience feeling loved. It’s the same sort of thing where she thinks by her matching the couch cushions to the curtains that it makes you feel loved. You probably don’t even know that they match. Seriously go look, they match, she did that on purpose because knowing that they match makes it easier for her to orgasm when the lights are off and she’s in a totally different room. And you being a great lug don’t even act like you care about them. Bastard.
What you’re doing here is taking control of the situation and basically saying, “give me a shooting fish in a barrel easy target that I can hit and I’ll hit it”. And then you hit it. It’s not a magic bullet, it’s just about making her believe that the marriage can change and things can get better.
It’s that “help me, help you” Jerry Maguire moment sort of thing. Marriage is cooperation. If you can’t play as a team, you’re going to have a slump, and you can’t get out of a slump unless you play as a team. The Alpha aspect of the move is framing yourself as the leader of the team.
So anyway like I said, it’s no magic bullet. It’s about making a turn around in the direction things are heading and buying a little time to get some of the other Alpha and Beta trait things in place.
And when you do your little act of love, don’t stand around like a lost puppy waiting to see her reaction. Just do it and move on with your day. It’s meant to just roll around in her head and be a positive mindfuck sort of thing. Also importantly it’s a small act of service, not some grandiose thing. Check out why you should give her skittles and not something huge like jewelry.
When she admits that this is working for her, you tell her you want to try one more little thing to turn it around… The Ten Second Kiss.
Following on from yesterday where the scenario is (1) she wants you out, and (2) there is no other man in the picture – which is NOT a guarantee just because she has stated no one else is involved – and (3) the cause of the problem is largely your lack of attention at holding up your end of the deal in the relationship.
I’ve realized I missed mentioning one of the most important things NOT to do, in part because the reader I had been emailing had done it correctly. I also had a couple emails addressing it as well. (Thank you to those who did so.)
The most important thing to NOT do is…
Much of what I’m talking about on the blog is stuff that’s really designed to get a relationship that’s in that somewhat below average sort of a slump to move upwards into something more vibrant. A lot of what I’m recommending boils down to just being playful with her. Some light teasing, some deep kissing, pulling her in towards you, a good long sex session and a playful slap on her ass.
It’s all good stuff and it really does work. However if things are really pretty difficult between you, awkward silence, distance and a trickle of tears at the kitchen sink, suddenly bouncing over to her and rubbing your crotch on her ass and staying “later baby” is going to be… ineffective.
She’s just not interested in that anymore. At this point you’re a negative in the equation over whether divorce happens, the positives are things like the house, the children liking you, the history together, and not having to start over again. “I need space” means “I need less of your negative factor in my face because I’d rather not divorce right now but you’re forcing me towards choosing that outcome.”
I’ve had a reasonably long email back and forth with a reader over the last two days about some of this. I’m not able to spill particular details on the person/couple, but the general stuff applies. The short version is that she asked him to just move out. As far as is known, there’s no other man involved here. (Which would vastly alter my advice here.)
“Initially, she was unwilling to do anything to try to patch things back up — no concerted effort, no counseling, nothing. She just wanted me out of the house, so she could “think about things.” She’s since backed off a bit and says she’d be willing to see a counselor. I told her I wouldn’t move out (I work from the house, my kids live there, and, damnit!, it’s my house!), but as a compromise I’d shift my operations to the basement for a while.”
When it’s this far down the road towards splitting apart, there’s no time for games anymore. When she’s giddy for you, you can try something risky that’s potentially very exciting and hot or might just backfire on you. If she’s at 95% interest in you and you try something like pulling hard on her hair during doggy style, she either gets more excited and heads towards 100% interest level, or says “OW! THAT’S MY HAIR!” and has her interest level fall towards 90%. But either way the relationship doesn’t fail outright. If you take a big risk when she’s down around the 35% interest level and it fails, you can push her below that “I’m trying to stay together for the kids” threshold. That’s very very bad. Attorney bad. Game over man, game over.
So you have to play a bit more of a safety approach and just be utterly truthful about the reality of the situation. You have to tell her her you love her with total sincerity. You also have to tell her that you believe that she loves you. You tell her that you know that things right now are very bad between you both. That whether she wants it or not, you are going to try and turn things around, and if she is willing to start working with you, this is the lowest point in your marriage together.
“I’m a little concerned about striking the right balance between a) accepting my (large) share of the blame, and b) making myself more desirable by not being a total wimp. That’s part of the reason, for example, I decided not to move out. It’s a little like tucking your tail between your legs and slinking off. Do you have any thoughts on that balance?”
It’s all in the framing of the thing. The point is not so much to assign blame for getting into the situation, you can do that until the cows come home and make no progress at all. He said, she said and it’s all just like trying to put out a fire with gasoline.
The way out is to frame that you are willing to take the lead to get you both out of it. At some point she will either come on board or she won’t. The trick is to find out what you do together when the relationship is working positively and focus on that as something to do more of. You can actually be quite verbally firm in framing this. You’re not trying to win a logical / rational argument here, you’re trying to win on a more emotional level that frames you as simply the stronger person.
Tomorrow I’ll talk about a very low key way to keep the pilot light of love alive. And again… this all assumes no other man is involved with your wife.
According to the Hite Report which I read off my mother’s bookshelf when I was ten or eleven… and by “read” I mean “furiously masturbated to”, only around 30% of women ever experience an orgasm from just stimulation from the penis. That’s lifetime 30% , plus only around a third of those only managing the feat a handful of times.
I forget where I read it, but the essential problem is that the clitoris is located away from the entry to the vagina. So the majority of penile thrusting misses the mark so to speak. If the clitoris is an inch or more away from the vagina, there’s very little chance she will ever have an orgasm from just penile thrusting. In some senses the clitoris is in a stupid location… I mean if I was designing a woman from scratch I would have about ten clitoris’s in a ring around the entry to the vagina and about seventy five inside it. Three firm thrusts and I figure I’d be her deity. But then again you wouldn’t want to accidentally tear it off during childbirth either, so maybe it’s about as close as it can get.
Anyway…. via Post Secret
To be sure some nights she’s going to be cool with not orgasming, but she needs to say that before you lube her up and have your fun. Really – some nights they just like having you close and happy without her worrying about hitting the high notes. (Ideally the reason is she is still a little tender from the night before nudge nudge wink wink say no more.)
Otherwise you have to ring her bell. No option on this at all. If she’s expecting orgasm, you really have to try and make that happen. Once or twice missing the goal is fine, it happens, but if it becomes anything like the norm, she will start to detest you.
The problem is that in a real sense for most couples, once the man blows his load, sex is over. He loses his hard on, the oxytocin hits and he starts falling asleep leaving her halfway to nowhere. So the options are simple – use your fingers or your tongue and get her there before you even slip yourself inside her. Or get her 80-90% of the way there and have her climb on you and finish herself off. Go shopping together and find a toy that works for her. But once you get her off as many times as she wants, you get to have your fun.
The real upside is that after orgasm the woman is usually much wetter and more excited about having a cock inside her. Two or three orgasms and they literally start craving being filled. Which by all accounts is more enjoyable for the man to be dealing with than the waves of “hatred and resentment” pulsing from the silent still body beneath them.
And yes. I blame my mother for my filthy filthy mind.
Across the Manosphere I’ve been slowly noticing more and more the word Hypergamy starting to take on a slight sense of insult. It’s starting to get a slight sense of slut shaming but it slips under the radar because of the bigger words.
Most women have an attraction to men with wealth and power. The more wealth and power a man has, the more attractive he can become in the eyes of women. Given enough wealth and power the man can in fact be quite old and ugly and a good cross section of women will find themselves attracted to him. This is referred to as Female Hypergamy and it’s completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of.
This is why rock stars, presidents, college professors yada yada yada get laid more than high school music teachers, assistant managers and the guy that does the book binding repairs in the college library. I don’t think I need to harp on about this, because it’s really pretty freaking obvious. It’s all just basic Sex Rank stuff here.
All Female Hypergamy means is that any woman is going to be attracted to men (as least in a general sense) who have a Sex Rank equal or higher than her own. I.e. a Female 5 is going to find a Male 5 attractive, but also Male 6 though 10 are viewed as attractive too. All women find a Male 10 attractive, they just don’t tend to think they have much of a chance at landing one of them as a long term mate. I mean back in the day they might have thrown their underwear at rock stars, but after the third front man just looks at her and doesn’t even sniff them, the reality starts to sink in that even with really pretty underwear it’s an awful long shot. It’s like the bass player or nothing. So in the sexual marketplace they end up “settling” for a Male 5. I say settling, but it really is a fair exchange of a Female 5 for a Male 5.
But if she could say land a Male 6 or 7 as a permanent mate, she’s going to be very tempted to jump ship. That’s when we use the word Hypergamy to call her a whore. Though in fact this is just the natural functioning of the sexual marketplace and by all accounts human sexuality working as intended.
Men are also hypergamous. A Male 5 is pretty much going to want to throw his dick into anything Female 5 or higher. Essentially all men find a Female 10 sexually interesting. We just don’t all think we can land one as a permanent partner. I’d love to get much better acquainted with Nicole Kidman for example. But rather than repeatedly express my interest in her by mailing photographs of me smiling and holding the latest restraining order against my chest, I’ve managed my resources carefully and “settled” for Jennifer. Then thanks to the miracle of sexual chemistry and oxytocin release from orgasm, Jennifer just loves me for it. Thanks biology!
However should Nicole Kidman start returning my calls, texts, emails, flowers, chocolates and skywriting… I’m going to be very tempted to jump ship. That’s when we use the word Hypergamy to mean that I am in fact totally awesome. Though in fact this is just the natural functioning of the sexual marketplace and by all accounts human sexuality working as intended. Hmmm… maybe there’s still hope… I still haven’t tried talking to Nicole Kidman via crop circles.
Disclaimer: No Nicole Kidman’s have been harmed in writing this post. Nothing can happen between us anyway, she’s from Australia and I still wish to stay in my New Zealand parents’ will.
Manscaping… ok relax… I know that it can get taken a little far and start looking a little… well… gay. I’m not suggesting you turn yourself into a smooth bottomed twink like Justin Beiber here.
However there is nothing wrong with trimming some of the excess body hair back to a reasonable level. If you’re covered in long thick hair like Chewbacca, it’s going to be hard for her to relax and snuggle up with her head on your shoulder if she’s fighting for an airway. Or a single long hair somehow snakes its way up her nose.
She’s not going to want to go down on you if it feels like she’s trying to find a hotdog buried in a shag carpet.
My solution is fairly simple… the trimmers we use to shave my head each week also come with a bunch of attachments for different lengths. About once a month or so I just take the No.3 attachment and tidy up the body hair and the department of down there. I still look male in that I have chest hair etc, but it just looks more managed and groomed. It’s fast too, about ten minutes and I’m all done. Plus it makes my cock look huge. Majestic even. Say hello to Goliath ladies…
As an aside… I know how after a couple drinks things start sounding like a really good idea. I very much suggest you don’t use the following anywhere near your balls. However if you wish to experiment by putting a long strip of industrial strength packing tape on a hairy part of your body and yank it off hard, it will indeed rip the hair just fucking OUT.