Don’t Move Out Just Because She Told You To

Following on from yesterday where the scenario is (1) she wants you out, and (2) there is no other man in the picture – which is NOT a guarantee just because she has stated no one else is involved – and (3) the cause of the problem is largely your lack of attention at holding up your end of the deal in the relationship.
I’ve realized I missed mentioning one of the most important thingsĀ NOT to do, in part because the reader I had been emailing had done it correctly. I also had a couple emails addressing it as well. (Thank you to those who did so.)
TheĀ most important thing to NOT do is…
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Comments

  1. aphron says:

    Thanks for your insight. I appreciate those that commented on the last post, too. It boils down to patterns of behavior and resisting those patterns. It's like getting fat: patterns of behavior led to it. Sadly, it's taken me 17 years to figure out that apologizing doesn't work. Acknowledging any wrong doings doesn't work. With my wife, it all gets brought back up in every fight or discussion. I can only maintain diligence in self-control. I have to be the beacon of sanity.

    I have no intention of leaving. Period. I know what happens to men during divorce. If she wants a divorce, she will have pack her bags and leave. I will not. Heck, I'm the one that paid for the house. As for it getting physical, that could be bad. She is smaller in stature than I. I have never even called her a bad name, much less hit her. I realize that won't matter, though.

    Our marriage is on the brink. I know my part in it. Sadly, I thought that showing love and trying to bend myself around her will would solve things. Nope. It boils down to being the best person I can be. If that isn't good enough, then that is her form of selfishness. Looking back on it, I have struggled against being beta my whole life. It hasn't worked, so I have to change my way of doing things. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is insanity.

  2. Athol Kay says:

    Don't give up Aphron. It's not what you can get done in a day, but where you can get yourself in a year.

    If she wants you to do unreasonable things, say no and go do what you want.

    If flying is your thing, make it a priority. You need that.

  3. Will S. says:

    Same with sleeping on the couch. Just don't go.

    This is something I've always been mystified by, and irritated at, all the many married men I know saying their wives got upset with them, so they had to go sleep on the couch. No! It's your bed too; why not let her leave and go sleep somewhere else in the house if she's mad at you about something?

    So many married men today are missing their backbone. I'm glad you're not one of them, AK.

  4. MWMM says:

    Stop saying "I have no intention of leaving. Period." Say "I want this marriage to work, but I'm not going to wait around forever."

    Get mysterious. Disappear for hours, get a private email, etc. Pick out a girl at Starbucks and start getting coffee from her everyday.

    Furthermore, get in shape and get some style. And I don't mean golf shirts and dockers. Go GQ. Watch what happens. Be careful because she'll be testing you to see if it's for real. Man-up or fake it til you make it.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Great post. I am not in this situation but I think the post is brilliant.

    "This is something I've always been mystified by, and irritated at, all the many married men I know saying their wives got upset with them, so they had to go sleep on the couch."

    This is what shocks me the most about American men. You see references about it when people joke on the media: "It is better to do X than to sleep in the dog's house". Even the joke seems irritating to me (and it is done by men who are not suspect of being sympathetic to feminism).

    I am from a feminist country and feminism is quite a problem there. But, grown men sleeping on the couch only because her wife demands it!!!! This seems depressing to me. Why do you agree on that? If you say no, what can your wife do to force you to get out the bed?

    Sometimes I think that Jung was correct about American men treating their wives as if they were their mommies.

  6. Doug1 says:

    aphron–

    I have no intention of leaving. Period. I know what happens to men during divorce. If she wants a divorce, she will have pack her bags and leave. I will not. Heck, I'm the one that paid for the house. As for it getting physical, that could be bad. She is smaller in stature than I. I have never even called her a bad name, much less hit her. I realize that won't matter, though.

    Good. It's also really important for her not to call 911 on you. If she starts hitting you or physically threatening you with say a kitchen knife (or obviously a gun), you need to call 911 and get the drop on her. Just your loosing your cool and yelling back at her is enough for some women in situations like this to tell themselves they're in physical danger from their husbands. Many women will rationalize that they wouldn't have threatened you with a knife or gun otherwise. As well if she's talked to a divorce attorney (or a girlfriend who's been trough a divorce at all recently) she's likely to gotten advice that if she feels "in the slightest bit of danger she should call 911" and that that will only help her in forcing you out of the house and her to get full custody easily.

    I strongly advise you to see a divorce attorney to protect yourself. But don't tell her that or she'll lawyer up which will make a divorce a lot more likely.

    Then start doing the Dave from Hawaii stuff. Also start doing some agree and amplify when she shit tests you/nags you but isn't way over the top emotional at the time. Have as a background story that you need to stay together at least while the kids are minors but that you should both try to make the marriage work. If she sees you no accepting blame for things all the time but not arguing with her at length either – simply saying how you see the issue at hand without trying to convince her then and there, just calmly saying how you see it, you may start to see improvements after awhile.

    So you must be a calm rock. If she starts ranting walk away if it gets bad.

  7. Anonymous says:

    I have some experience with this. What works for me may not work for other men, but I have found that if a woman threatens to leave it is often a "shit test" only, a way of "putting the frighteners" on a husband, especially if you have children.

    Just call her bluff. Tell her to "fuck off if you want to go" and "you know where the front door is".

    My wife has tried this nonsense, but since I started calling her bluff, she has stopped.

    And I agree, do NOT "sleep on the couch". My wife has slept in the spare room a few times. My daughter once said, "Doesn't the man usually sleep on the couch?" and I told her, "Not in this household".

    David Collard

  8. Anonymous says:

    Excellent advice, Athol!! Nailed it on every single point, telling guys to avoid failing either their own rights or their marriage; awesome.

    Doug, I disagree with you often, but that is wonderful advice too. "Fireproof" is a good example of a man getting furious and certainly not hitting his wife; he yelled at her to shut up, backed her up against a wall and had his say, but he never struck her. It's irrational fear for someone to assume that's the next step for a man.

    MWMM, it's far better to stand your ground then play stupid games.

    Jennifer 6

  9. mike says:

    I caught wind what was coming a couple of days before I was supposed to get the "Speech" and had time to check out sites like this one for help. I sent our two kids over to a friends house for the night and called her on her recent icy and withdrawn behavoir about four days before she was going to lower the boom.

    I told her point blank I realized there were some issues in our marriage that everyone runs into after 20 years, some of which I could take some resposibility for, some of which she would have to take some responsibility for. But I noted that I had asked repeatedly about what was going on to be told "it's nothing" or "it's Hormones". In short, If I did not know what the problem was I could not address it or resolve it.

    I told her I was going no where, I was open to whatever could be done to work on our marriage, but if she wasn't happy and refused to work on it there was nothing I could do about it. I immediately pulled a "180", she left three days later, that was four months ago.

    Since then with my 180 including cardio/weights/yoga I've gone from 18% body fat to 9%, checked out the latest mens magazines and redid my entire wardrobe (nothing fit me anymore anyway). Everyone is amazed at the transformation, even her best girlfriend who helped her in her decision to leave me now has been telling people how great I look. Other women who know of my situation tell me "Your wife must be Crazy" to which I say " Well tell her that"

    So Boring Old Homebody Husband has physically gone from a 6 to a 9, is rarely home because he's out at fundraisers, dinner parties, theatre events etc.

    It remains to be seen how this all plays out, though the last time she was over to pick up one of the kids, my 13 year old daughter said after she left " did you see that Dad? Mom was checking you out" I'm not being too hopeful, but these changes in me are now permanent. I'll keep you posted

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