I have a question for you. First, let me give you a little information on the situation. I am a woman and I started reading your blog about 2 months ago. I have been the one that has been the issue in our sexual relationship for various reasons…just had a baby, not feeling all that hot, etc. When I found your blog I realized my errors and have started implementing some of your strategies (in the girl equivalent). We have had more sex in the last two months than in a long time. We were once a week kind of people and now it is near daily.
Here is my problem. My husband has a stressful job but now that I have started being the one to come on to him he has stopped really coming on to me. I don’t get it. I thought that my new rejuvenated sexual interest would make him even more sexually charged to me. Instead, what I initiate is enough and I am left wanting more. (I must be getting a lot of testosterone in me). He loves the sex but I want him to pursue me.
An aside: I have recently found a website on our computer that he has gone to in the past and again now. It is just silly photos of girls flashing breasts, etc. Nothing of real porn concern. But I have to wonder why he is checking out this site. Especially now when he is getting more sex than ever. Any insight?
Dear Nice Lady Trying To Sex Her Husband Into A Coma,
Men have a “fluid dynamics” element of their sex drive. Basically the more cum is inside him waiting to come out, the greater his interest in making that happen. So when he was a once a week guy a few months back he was chasing you because he was so driven to get inside you and dump a load. Now that he’s getting a daily draining he’s not quite so anxious to have sex. I bet you also notice that he’s overall calmer and happier too. I’m pretty much a calm guy myself, but on rare occassions when a Day 3 no sex rolls around I’m getting increasingly assertive and heading towards sexually aggressive. In fact one of my best pick up lines with Jennifer is just looking straight at her and saying “Day 3”.
The stuff he’s looking at online isn’t an issue to me, in fact if you want more sex from him, it may even prove to be a benefit to you. Nothing triggers the male sex drive faster than the observing of a sexually appealing female display of sexual interest from a new female. Watching porn tricks the body into thinking that such a female is available and the natural response is to get turned on and have his balls go crazy producing more sperm and semen really to ejaculate into the new girl. So as long as he isn’t jerking off to it, it’s actually going to charge him up a bit.
Also he may be looking around at porn now because he’s having more regular sex with you. Sperm actually lives in your vaginal tract for up to five days and the majority of sperm isn’t designed to be hunting for the egg, but to actually be “blockers” and “killers” of other men’s sperm. So on a Body Agenda level he feels like he’s got enough of a standing army of sperm inside you that he’s got you pretty topped off and safe from a wandering male getting you pregnant… so he can start looking for another female to pop a few shots into. Hence the interest in looking at porn / new naked chicks. I have to make absolutely clear though that this is all happening unconsciously on his part. He’s probably not looking to literally cheat on you and he really isn’t thinking “gee I got her 4 of the last 5 nights so another ejaculation into her is just going to be excess sperm, I should really look for a vagina I haven’t used yet“. It’s just all male Body Agenda at work… all he’s thinking is “gee.. nice tits on that one”. I guess that isn’t exactly emotionally touching to hear, but the good news is that you have a sexually functional husband that many women would gouge your eyes out for.
However there are potential downsides to porn – just as there are to anything that is particularly enjoyable and can be abused. My feeling on porn that it “isn’t a problem until it becomes a problem”. Where that line is drawn with porn will vary from couple to couple. Likewise a social drinker that has a couple of drinks once in a while isn’t in the same situation as someone that is an alcoholic. For the most part though husbandly porn use simply isn’t any statement at all about the wife, it’s just about looking at tits and ass. Watching a porn DVD sure as hell makes the rowing machine more fun to use.
The other thing that can be done is nutrition – having him eat and drink well with particular attention to what is needed to make more semen. Plus if he’s in need of exercise, that will help too. Stress can be a downer on the sex drive, but in his case I suspect that sex is a good way of reliving stress, so that’s a big win.
Also I realize that this isn’t exactly what you want, but you can ask him to chase you. It may feel awkward and slightly fake at first, but in time it can become more natural feeling. It can be as simple as texting him earlier in the day that you just want him to “just take you”, or “tonight I’m going to say no but I don’t want you to really believe that“. You may want a safeword for that last one. (My wife’s safeword is “Dershowitz and Feinstein” for example.)
And if all else fails you can slip him a Viagra and just hold on for the ride. The trick is to push it into a piece of cheese and then wrap the cheese in bacon. Serving Suggestion: In heels and not much else. Enjoy.