If There’s A Lion In The Backyard Don’t Open The Door And Throw Meat Into The Kitchen

If you’ve been following the plot cool, if not read over the background of the wife being interested in the builder next door.
Anyway, I get further email…
I was in bed this morning after doing a night shift. I went to the toilet around 11 am and bumped into my wife on the stairs said a sleepy hello then went back to bed. I heard her boil the kettle to make a brew ,next thing I heard the our dog bark. I went downstairs quietly and my wife was outside talking to the builder I was listening quietly but our dog got excited to see me then she realised I was there.
She came in I got a little bit jealous saying he only talks to you when I’m not around anyway. She said there was nothing to worry about I was a bit out of order. I think he actually tried to make our dog barks so my wife would come out.
I think both of them fancy each other he seemed to make the dog bark knowing she would go out. Anyway I said I was going out I had to get some wood, he would be next door and my wife at our home. I did this to display that he is no threat. When I came back I went round to ask Mr. X (the builder) if he would fix some of our kitchen for us. He asked if my wife would be in later so he could measure up, then reframed the question and asked if I would be in so he could measure up. Do you think I have done the wrong thing by asking him to do some work for us?
As a side topic my wife later said that the one of our money jars was full to the brim. I patted her on the backside and said something else will be full to the brim later, she said be careful as she is fertile and I replied (with a big grin) oh so you only talk to builders when you are fertile, she took it the wrong way (is this good game or am I not getting it)
Ok there’s some good here, but a really critical bit of bad.
The answer is that having him work on your kitchen is a terrible idea. You’re trying to get him out of your life, not invite him further in. Right now they need little excuses to talk to each other and are skating around you to get that done. Once you’ve let the fix the kitchen thing go ahead they have the perfect excuse to talk to each and essentially your approval to do so. My hunch is after the kitchen is fixed something else will need fixing too. He might be inside your house with your wife on and off for a couple weeks or a couple months…. you might as well send them off on a cruise together. You’d be paying him to date your wife. You absolutely have to backtrack on that offer and refuse to let it happen. (I looked back over my original email, I clearly said “cockblock” him…)
The patting her on the butt thing and cocky and funny thing is fine, but you weren’t really meant to be mentioning him. You want to draw attention to you, not to him. The correct answer when your wife tells you not to hit on her because she is fertile is “oh really / I don’t care / good / is that so” and then pull her to you and make another move on her. Whether or not she lets you or wiggles out from you doesn’t matter, it’s the correct move for you to make and she will like it either way.
I think the situation has passed the level you can “quietly” game her attention back to you. There was the misstep with asking him to work on your house, and if he was screwing with your dog to get her outside that’s pretty much a crossing the line sort of thing. The slip where he wanted you out of the house to measure and then corrected himself is bad as well.
Time to start getting loud about it. Let her know you love her but underline this has got to stop. Then do something with her.


  1. You know, I know it's hard to understand and feel, but I think women feel your energy and vibe to this things. And the right energy is anger.

    Take a deep look inside. What do you see? If she cheats on you with him, would you be hurt and bitter? Would you be afraid to lose her because of it? Would you be upset she was "stolen" from you? That's why way to feel about it and she feels it.

    Or would you be fucking pissed that you got involved with such a skank and a whore? That how dare she disrespect you so much, her man who put that roof over her head? That you'd be enraged that she turned out to be such a disloyal little cunt? Well, if that's what your reaction would be, believe me, she knows it too and she won't do it.

    By feeling about the situation the former way, you're basically giving her the permission to do it because you behave as if it's fair game – if she does it, well, you've lost, he won. Didn't romance her enough, as some commenter suggested, whatever. It's not fair game. She should be feeling that she'd be the scum of the earth if she does it. Period. She is a WOMAN, she HAS to be loyal to you.

    Yes, men are supposed to fight for their women. That's a turn on. But with OTHER MEN, not with THEIR WOMEN!!! This is very important! Go on, tell him to fuck off and stop talking to your wife, but don't confront her about it in a way that doesn't make her feel like shit about it.

    That's my advice.

  2. This is sounding worse, but a piece of information is missing: what are the relative SMVs of the wife and interloper? A savvy contractor might be gaming a bored aging warpig for some extra work in a soft economy. He may or not be smart enough not to 'shit where he eats'. Nail some guy's wife, word will get around and you'll starve.

    That said, from the sound of this new email, she's fishing for his advance. At the very least, she'll be thinking about this guy the next time she's sexing her husband.
    This sort of drama bullshit is for high school chicks. If it weren't for Divorce 2.0, this sort of behavior would warrant a quick kick to the curb.

  3. My guy would not have tolerated this for even 10 minutes. I'd be pulled to the bedroom mid sentence and then when all was said and done we would have a conversation about other men. If it continued I could promise you that contractor wouldn't even walk around to that side of house when he got done with him! Maybe he should teach his dog to also bite strange men in the nuts. This is just not cool.

  4. All good thoughts people.

    My feeling is basic attraction is just going to happen and you shouldn't confront about something that no one has control over.

    However once action starts getting put into play about the attraction, then you need to "go all MALE" on the situation. Puff up and make some noise.

  5. Ok it's me.
    Well I think things may have been taken wrongly,yes maybe she gets a gina tingle when she talks to him,the old spike of the old spike of dopamine that athol mentions.Yes he definitly tries to get her attention.
    My first question was is shit testing me by mentioning his name a few times.

    I have stated to her that I am a bit unsure wether to let him do our work,she said I should trust her.
    I just got back from a boys weekend in Amsterdam and she had to trust me.
    If he works in my house I will be there.He won't add more jobs he will do the work I request and that is it.
    Yes he oversteps the mark one bit and he won't walk again.
    To the first commenter It would definitly be the former and I would tell her friends and family she would be cut out of my life.

  6. I forgot to mention that usually she gets very jealous quite easliy I don not give her reason to it's just either down to being brought up with no father and she has abandonment issues or it is a type of test (the jealousy) as I usually get angry.
    (fuckin complicated relationship thats why I started reading this blog)
    Anyway maybe she testing the boundaries also as I have never been jealous before.
    Thanks for the advice

  7. I think having the work done on your house, and having him be the one to do it, are two separate things.

  8. I know what you mean Athol.
    But if I get another workman it could still happen.
    If he is in our house other than to the work the shit will hit the fan.
    When she was talking to him the other day she was drinking tea,she said she did'nt make him one.They were talking about his kids,he has a daughter of around 15 and a new baby.
    His wife sometimes visits him next door when he working and brings the kids to see him

  9. what is SMV

  10. SMV = Sexual Marketplace Value. Basically the same thing as what I mean by Sex Rank.

    A new workman would have to start from zero though and she wouldn't already have the hots for him and a built up rapport.

    The builder's wife coming around to see him is interesting. She checking on him?

  11. exactly what I thought as I posted itI never thought of it until I typed.
    Maybe he's done this before or thats how they met.

  12. I would say she is at least a point or two higher than him.

    But I think she likes the fact that he is a handyman,which I am not so good at DIY.

  13. Your reader has clearly confused "this guy is not a threat" with "this guy has my permission to be here." They are NOT the same thing. The point is to convey that the other guy is no threat to your domain – you have your boundaries, and he may not cross them. You are so confident that he may not cross them, in fact, that you don't mind him stalking around the edges a bit. What you DON'T do is bow down to him. Inviting him to come fix something in the house was a terrible idea – you just elevated his resourcefulness over your own. Your reader just put the builder in charge of the sound functioning of his own home.

    I think you were a little too kind in your criticism. This was a catastrophic play.

    The back-and-forth in these comments make me think that the reader is too much of a weenie to undergo the socially awkward situation of reneging on the guy. Pretending like it's not a problem is not a solution. It's time to man-up and kick the stranger out of the house. He should think of the social awkwardness as a dumbass penalty.

    BTW: The wife is sure to take the builder's side when your reader kicks him out. "You can't back out of a promise," etc. This just confirms that she wants him around. The reader's response should be immediate and overwhelming.

    The trip to Amsterdam is a non-sequitur. The difference is that there wasn't an obvious flirtation goig on. "I trust you, you should trust me" is the first lie uttered by a cheating spouse.

  14. I'm sorry, I have to emphasize something again. Pardon the repetition.

    Your reader's responses in these comments sound like he's defending the status quo – either by rationalizing the status quo or by claiming it's hopeless to fix. Either way, he sounds stripped of manhood. Even if his wife doesn't cheat on him with this builder, his impotence to fix this situation is uninspiring.


  15. Actually I wouldn't go to Amsterdam without a chaparone lol.

    But agree – the sooner the builder is gone the better.

  16. Omg, man, be the man in this relationship kick the builder out of your house! There are thousands of men out there who can fix your house up! If he is doing it for cheap the pay out will probably eventually going to include your wife fucking up. Hire someone else to finish the work. Atleast she will have to start over. Good luck.

  17. If you don't want to be socially awkward with the builder, just get a quote from him and use somebody else. Tell him it didn't work out, but for f*uc's sake, be a man. DO NOT LET HIM WORK in your house. Don't come crying to me if your wife leaves you.

  18. nanoalchemist says:

    elhaf has a good idea: get another quote, have someone else do it. Sounds like you should get points for taking point in getting the task accomplished at a cheaper rate. (even if it's more because the other builder has more experience does a better job etc.)

    Even better, see if you can find a FEMALE builder in your area.

  19. Anonymous says:

    This is an old post but I might add, that I agree this was pretty much the worst way to handle this.

    Inviting the man into his home to do work did elevate this man in status. It also forever has given the ok for his wife to contact him or him to contact her after the time has expired. The excuse being, hey is there something else I can do for you?

    Or from the wife, about possible other projects she is thinking about but has not yet discussed with hubby. How surprised he will be. Hey why not connect on facebook now.

    I do not in any way see this as the same as a man making notice of a woman as she passes by. A better parallel would be the neighbors sister staying next store for the summer who spends most of her time in the pool and sunbathing. With the husband interacting daily with her and just chatting. You do the math. WTF is HE doing?

    Same with the wifey. She should not be seeking the builder next store out to fill her need for conversation and attention. This is especailly true if the hubby is not around all the time to cockblock. Jealous? How about expecting the wife to be respectful of her husband and not be flirting and encouraging the builder next door and not sending out the vibe that this hot wife just might be interested. I do get the points made. I don't see being the Alpha here and just saying that the behavior is not acceptable if it is not. Not doing so is a display of low value. Like one is afraid to confront because they may lose.

  20. Anonymous says:

    Also, it must not have happened because it was not said. Only that outdoor activities were being contrived. If sunbathing in a bikini was one of them that may be a Red Flag. YMMV.

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