Sexy Move: Make The Bed Squeak

A few days ago I mentioned that most women like dirty talk in bed. Adding on to that, they just like bedroom noise in general. She wants to believe that you’re totally into her and breathless and out of control with lust for her.
One very simple tactic to make her think she’s being completely pounded into a pool of her own juices, is to find the right rhythm that makes the bed squeak. We have a pretty sturdy King Size wooden framed thing that took a awful lot of effort to get into the house and put together. It’s really solid. However when I’m on top of Jennifer there is a just right level of my movement I can do to make it start oscillating just a little and the whole thing starts making a five decibels above discreet squeaking noise. It’s kind of the same principle that high winds can rip a badly designed bridge apart by getting it slowly wobbling more and more. (See this is why you should have paid more attention in physics class)
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The Price Of Admission

Just watch. Well worth it.

Sexy Move: Hit The Big Red Easy Button

In one of the comments yesterday…
“I too, love dirty talk! I have flat out told my husband exactly what to say. His response: I can’t call you that! I love you! …doesn’t get it (sigh!) Men are inhibited in this area; I blame the Madonna-Whore complex.”
When your wife tells you she is into something sexually, she’s pretty much handing you a big red “easy” button to push to make her very very wet and very very happy.
Option One….
Her: “Having my hair pulled turns me on.”
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Sexy Move: Dirty Talk

Most women enjoy dirty talk in bed. Often this is limited to the bedroom and not an all area pass. I.e. calling her a “hot little slut” as you are all hot, sweaty and flinging the covers off the top of you and on to the floor is sexy goodness. Calling her a “hot little slut” in the checkout line at the supermarket is another. Proper etiquette when standing in line to not say that sort of thing at all, but to text it.
If you struggle to come up with dirty things to say, just…
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Aristotle Always Seems To Be There Before You

Lots to read at Hooking Up Smart today. I love her summing up point…

“The population is effectively divided into two groups:

A promiscuous minority of both men and women.

A majority of both men and women having sex with a small number of people during their lifetimes.

Whether you consider this good or bad news depends on your sex and your appeal to its opposite.”

Maybe I’m just starting to feel my age, but I seem to remember that the party crowd just made more noise than everybody else. They weren’t actually out numbering the rest of us, not by a long shot. Just because Spring Break is on TV doesn’t mean everyone actually goes to Cancun.

Some days the Manosphere seems like a very strange landscape. Is it all just about wanting to finally be one of the Beautiful People? That somehow there’s a golden ticket back to Spring Break in 1991 and we’re finally on MTV?

I mean we talk about this…

And expound on aggressive hypergamy like this…

Why name tags for conference hookups should not be permanent like this…

And drool over and sing praises to this…

Advise against approach anxiety like this…

To become a complete master of game like this…

You’ll need some smooth opening lines like this…

Develop the the perfect move like this…

Bachelor number three WTF is this…

Jennifer worries about this…

Game works on everyone. Well nearly everyone, careful of this…

Some people even discuss the cost benefit ratio of occasional this…

Because lets face it, we all have a big ol’ dose of this…

And we all want the perfect woman, who is a little of this…

A little of this…

A little of this…

Supports our hobbies like this…

Is willing to pitch in and help like this…

And of course culinary skill like this…

Does not PMS like this…

Is somewhat less popular than this…

I lost my train of thought when I saw this…

Not so much of this…

In the dark, can find this…

This is all a lot of work for one woman actually. Maybe she’d need to be cloned like this…

I think this is Jennifer’s theme song…

As I get older, I start to think more and more that Aristotle is right. And even if he’s wrong, we’ve got kids now anyway. That changes everything.

Maybe we just need a fucking date night. I forget when we did that last. I guess I have to Google it….

Virginity And The Big Bad Wolf

A while back I wrote a post on 10 Critical Things In How To Choose A Wife. Seeing this was a fantasy draft pick, I went all out and described my ideal woman… and carefully covered my ass and said that my ideal woman was spookily similar to the woman I actually married. See how that works, I’m dammed clever sometimes.
Anyway, I did draw some hate for point 6… that she should be a virgin. I said…
“The fewer sexual partners a woman has before marriage the higher her marital satisfaction and the sexual satisfaction she has within marriage. You very much want your wife to sexually imprint on sex with you and completely bond to you. The sex is just going to be that much better over the long term. Not to mention no other ex-lovers lurking on Facebook, sexual diseases, bad experiences and regrets to worry about. The harsh truth to the modern hook up girl is that yes indeed every time you sleep with another man, you damage your long term wife potential. Plus the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and highly promiscuous women before marriage are probably far more likely to cheat on you during marriage.”
What I didn’t know then was not just that I was right, but that I was right to a degree that I am still trying to grapple with. The effect of non-marital partners is not just a minor influence on marital outcomes, or even a moderate one as I had thought, it may in fact be one of the strongest influences there is.
I got put onto the CDC data and the Heritage Study of that same data at The Social Pathologist. Here’s the mind blowing graph that should have you reaching for an adult beverage.
There should be the phrase “ever married” added on the Y-axis on the left.
The good news is that if you’re married to a woman whose only lifetime sexual partner is you, there is a 80.47% chance that she is in a stable marriage, meaning you are in a stable marriage, which rocks. If you head over to The Social Pathologist and read up on the positive effects of education and income and do the math, a well educated, decent job holding virgin is as close to a 100% lock on marital outcomes as you can get. In short according to the CDC… if Jennifer and I divorce, the problem statistically speaking is very probably me. I just love what my tax dollars do.
The bad news is even a single lifetime non-marital sex partner hacks away that 80% success rate down to 53%. That’s a single ex-boyfriend, or a single hook up, the fling in France on that summer vacation. Seriously just one other sex partner decreases marital outcomes by a third. Even if it’s cheating during the marriage as the cause of marital break up, most cheating is never caught and it’s the being caught that really makes the shit hit the fan.
Then assuming you guys can read, the numbers get worse and worse seemingly hitting a 29% plateau from 5-15 partners, then dropping even lower after that. Five sex partners just doesn’t seem to be a whole lot to be honest. That’s just one serious boyfriend for every year of college and then someone serious after that and then future husband. But no, apparently she’s like a fourth round draft pick and not someone to build a franchise around.
Quoting The Social Pathologists summary…
“What this data shows is that sexual partner count is a very good–in fact uncannily good–predictor of the risks of divorce.
How good? One extra partner in a woman is equivalent to negating the protective benefit of greater-than-high school education in a woman, two partners equivalent to having a poverty affected marriage, ten or more partners negates any benefit of income or education with regard to marital risk.
From a statistical perspective, the marital dissolution risk of a woman receiving welfare and a wealthy promiscuous educated woman is about the same.”
On one hand I’m heartened that I have solid proof that Jennifer is a great wife choice. Every so often I get shit on for being “just lucky” that Jennifer is a good wife. You know what, three years of an agonizing long distance relationship, immigration and all the drama of getting together… that was hard, really really hard. I knew who I was working for though. Maybe the little pig that built his house out of bricks was “just lucky” too.
On the other hand, I’m horrified at just how damaging non-marital sex can be. I don’t actually consider someone with five non-marital partners to be terribly slutty. That’s just a couple serious boyfriends and a couple hook ups and the short lived relationship with the guy she really liked but he had a real girlfriend the whole time so she dumped him. (Awkward… she wasn’t actually really in a relationship though, so we just nod and smile and agree that she was the dumper and not the de facto dumpee.)
But apparently there’s not much difference between 5 and 15 according to the stats. And 15 is starting to sound pretty slutty. So maybe 5 is pretty slutty too. I’m very conflicted about that. I mean I know people, I have friends that are 5+… they’re nice. I don’t want to see them as damaged goods, but… 80% vs 29%… um, wow. Just wow. I need that beverage.
There are a ton of women who have already gone out and hit 5+ and can’t unfuck their number back down to zero. I guess all I can say is that these are just odds and that you can influence your outcomes. You can make positive choices and choose to stay the course and fight for a marriage and a love together. We all do make mistakes and not all our mistakes are sexual in nature either. The trick is to learn from them and try and move on into a brighter future. If you’re educated and not broke off your ass, you are by no means automatically falling towards the event horizon of the black hole of divorce. But there is an influence at work that is undeniable.
My hunch is that sex is far more powerful at forging interpersonal bonds than we want it to be. Maybe in plain English all it means is that you really just don’t want to marry someone that has five guys she’s slept with being able to message her on Facebook at random for the rest of her life. It only takes one of them to be The Big Bad Wolf that sticks in her mind… then all your shit comes crashing down.

Collect The Little Pieces Of Crap That Matter

It’s very common for people leaving a relationship to reframe the entire history of the relationship.
So years one through nine… “wow it’s been (one to nine) wonderful years I’m so happy”.
Year ten during the affair…. “I’m just so torn”
Post divorce…. “he was a wonderful man, but we’re just not the right person for each other. We tried for a long time to make it work.”
Where upon the dumped spouse goes, “WTF are you talking about? That’s bullshit, you said you loved me for the first nine years and then you cheated on me”.
Then they say something like… “yeaaaaah… this is awkward, you need help.”
So… what to do…
It’s not a bad reason to have a family photo album of the good times. A little scrapbook of the happy moments. Where we went to dinner together. Movie ticket stubs. The little love notes. It doesn’t all have to be expensive stuff, sometimes the cheap stuff means more. Jennifer still still has a Post-It note in her cubical at work that I scribbled on “love you no reason”. I had no idea she would keep that.
Maybe it’s just the nurse in me talking here, but the old line is “if you didn’t document it, it didn’t happen”. You may have done a hundred good things, but when the shit hits the fan if you didn’t document them, it’s like you have no recourse to say you did.
Marriage has it’s ups and downs, and the in love feelings can cycle even faster. Some day you might feel down about it all and reading over your own story of togetherness might be it’s own encouragement. Or in moments of terrible darkness and pain when they tell you that they never really loved you, their own handwriting, photographs of their own shiny eyed smiles and the two tickets to romance and lust will call them a liar.
Plus it’s a solid Beta move to pull a written history of the relationship together. Just reeks of commitment and faith and she will love it. Just don’t let her steal the project from you otherwise it will look all girly and floral. She can do her own if she wants, but this is your half of the memories of the marriage. Own it.
Skid Row – I Remember You….
For the record I don’t so much have a “scrapbook” per se, I have a drawer that’s slowly being filled up with “the little pieces of crap that matter”. A disproportionate amount of the ”little pieces of crap that matter” appear to be baby teeth from the kids though. For a while there it was like I was part of Baby Teeth Of The Month Club. While the baby teeth are not particularly gaining in value, they have historically out performed my 401k.
Oh and I have this blog…

Slice Of Heaven

And for the record I didn’t just tease and play hard to get today. Jennifer was working all day and returned home to…
Dinner: Roast Chicken and Mashed Potatoes. My speciality, the roast chicken is really good.
Wine: Barefoot Sauvignon Blanc. Cheap but plentiful and such that we both like it.
Giftage: A big multiple photo picture frame for somewhere. Ten photos staggered around the word “Family”. She loved that. The book of “The Blindside”, she saw the movie and it’s foster care related and she loves to read. A pair of jumbo cupcake baking sheets. This sounds like a crappy gift, but it’s intended as “mini-pie” baking sheets. The whole family loves New Zealand styled meat pies, but lots of luck finding the right sort of baking tins to make them in here. It’s kind of a silly gift but she liked it. Hey I asked for a laundry basket for my 40th, so pie tins is fair play and turnabout.
Card: That exploded into song and blinking lights when opened. This at first scared her lol.
Kids: Not bored and waiting to pounce on her opening the gifts.
Cake: I baked! Minor help from youngest. Yummy ginger cake and cream cheese icing. Big up to my girl Betty Crocker. I’m not really a cake fan but I really liked this combo. Not too sweet.
Sex Toy: I picked up a little combination cock ring / mini clit vibe to play her with later. I tried it on earlier and it was a tighter fit than I thought… nearly tore myself trying to get it off and it defintely took eight hairs with it as I pried it free. I’m thinking a little lube may be in order. As always the “only 30% of the things we try work for us” disclaimer is in effect. This may work, it may not.
And for the record… this is all, and I mean ALL Beta game sort of stuff. The purpose is not so much to make her fall in love with me – that’s the Alpha trait sort of thing – but to make her feel comfortable, loved and cared for. She works very hard and gives her all. You can’t just keep up an endless bad boy routine without having her ache for a little pampering and concern for her needs too.
Alpha and Beta. Got to have both.
Something from the achives…

Birthday Wishes For Jennifer

The astute reader should be able to pick me out the line up.

…and for the record I also had a lengthy and fun (and 97% above board) Facebook chat with the person who called me out about my comments. She loves me :-)

Oh hang on, hang on….

Found it…

… nearly 16 year appearance disclaimer in effect though.

Though in truth, this is the only photo that I really care about from the wedding. I have no idea what I had just said to her. Just that when she wrinkles her nose up and half pokes / bites her tongue at me, I am hitting her sweet spot…  or will be anyway.

If There’s A Lion In The Backyard Don’t Open The Door And Throw Meat Into The Kitchen

If you’ve been following the plot cool, if not read over the background of the wife being interested in the builder next door.
Anyway, I get further email…
I was in bed this morning after doing a night shift. I went to the toilet around 11 am and bumped into my wife on the stairs said a sleepy hello then went back to bed. I heard her boil the kettle to make a brew ,next thing I heard the our dog bark. I went downstairs quietly and my wife was outside talking to the builder I was listening quietly but our dog got excited to see me then she realised I was there.
She came in I got a little bit jealous saying he only talks to you when I’m not around anyway. She said there was nothing to worry about I was a bit out of order. I think he actually tried to make our dog barks so my wife would come out.
I think both of them fancy each other he seemed to make the dog bark knowing she would go out. Anyway I said I was going out I had to get some wood, he would be next door and my wife at our home. I did this to display that he is no threat. When I came back I went round to ask Mr. X (the builder) if he would fix some of our kitchen for us. He asked if my wife would be in later so he could measure up, then reframed the question and asked if I would be in so he could measure up. Do you think I have done the wrong thing by asking him to do some work for us?
As a side topic my wife later said that the one of our money jars was full to the brim. I patted her on the backside and said something else will be full to the brim later, she said be careful as she is fertile and I replied (with a big grin) oh so you only talk to builders when you are fertile, she took it the wrong way (is this good game or am I not getting it)
Ok there’s some good here, but a really critical bit of bad.
The answer is that having him work on your kitchen is a terrible idea. You’re trying to get him out of your life, not invite him further in. Right now they need little excuses to talk to each other and are skating around you to get that done. Once you’ve let the fix the kitchen thing go ahead they have the perfect excuse to talk to each and essentially your approval to do so. My hunch is after the kitchen is fixed something else will need fixing too. He might be inside your house with your wife on and off for a couple weeks or a couple months…. you might as well send them off on a cruise together. You’d be paying him to date your wife. You absolutely have to backtrack on that offer and refuse to let it happen. (I looked back over my original email, I clearly said “cockblock” him…)
The patting her on the butt thing and cocky and funny thing is fine, but you weren’t really meant to be mentioning him. You want to draw attention to you, not to him. The correct answer when your wife tells you not to hit on her because she is fertile is “oh really / I don’t care / good / is that so” and then pull her to you and make another move on her. Whether or not she lets you or wiggles out from you doesn’t matter, it’s the correct move for you to make and she will like it either way.
I think the situation has passed the level you can “quietly” game her attention back to you. There was the misstep with asking him to work on your house, and if he was screwing with your dog to get her outside that’s pretty much a crossing the line sort of thing. The slip where he wanted you out of the house to measure and then corrected himself is bad as well.
Time to start getting loud about it. Let her know you love her but underline this has got to stop. Then do something with her.