I have a question for you. First, let me give you a little information on the situation. I am a woman and I started reading your blog about 2 months ago. I have been the one that has been the issue in our sexual relationship for various reasons…just had a baby, not feeling all that hot, etc. When I found your blog I realized my errors and have started implementing some of your strategies (in the girl equivalent). We have had more sex in the last two months than in a long time. We were once a week kind of people and now it is near daily.
Here is my problem. My husband has a stressful job but now that I have started being the one to come on to him he has stopped really coming on to me. I don’t get it. I thought that my new rejuvenated sexual interest would make him even more sexually charged to me. Instead, what I initiate is enough and I am left wanting more. (I must be getting a lot of testosterone in me). He loves the sex but I want him to pursue me.
An aside: I have recently found a website on our computer that he has gone to in the past and again now. It is just silly photos of girls flashing breasts, etc. Nothing of real porn concern. But I have to wonder why he is checking out this site. Especially now when he is getting more sex than ever. Any insight?
Dear Nice Lady Trying To Sex Her Husband Into A Coma,
Men have a “fluid dynamics” element of their sex drive. Basically the more cum is inside him waiting to come out, the greater his interest in making that happen. So when he was a once a week guy a few months back he was chasing you because he was so driven to get inside you and dump a load. Now that he’s getting a daily draining he’s not quite so anxious to have sex. I bet you also notice that he’s overall calmer and happier too. I’m pretty much a calm guy myself, but on rare occassions when a Day 3 no sex rolls around I’m getting increasingly assertive and heading towards sexually aggressive. In fact one of my best pick up lines with Jennifer is just looking straight at her and saying “Day 3″.
The stuff he’s looking at online isn’t an issue to me, in fact if you want more sex from him, it may even prove to be a benefit to you. Nothing triggers the male sex drive faster than the observing of a sexually appealing female display of sexual interest from a new female. Watching porn tricks the body into thinking that such a female is available and the natural response is to get turned on and have his balls go crazy producing more sperm and semen really to ejaculate into the new girl. So as long as he isn’t jerking off to it, it’s actually going to charge him up a bit.
Also he may be looking around at porn now because he’s having more regular sex with you. Sperm actually lives in your vaginal tract for up to five days and the majority of sperm isn’t designed to be hunting for the egg, but to actually be “blockers” and “killers” of other men’s sperm. So on a Body Agenda level he feels like he’s got enough of a standing army of sperm inside you that he’s got you pretty topped off and safe from a wandering male getting you pregnant… so he can start looking for another female to pop a few shots into. Hence the interest in looking at porn / new naked chicks. I have to make absolutely clear though that this is all happening unconsciously on his part. He’s probably not looking to literally cheat on you and he really isn’t thinking “gee I got her 4 of the last 5 nights so another ejaculation into her is just going to be excess sperm, I should really look for a vagina I haven’t used yet“. It’s just all male Body Agenda at work… all he’s thinking is “gee.. nice tits on that one”. I guess that isn’t exactly emotionally touching to hear, but the good news is that you have a sexually functional husband that many women would gouge your eyes out for.
However there are potential downsides to porn – just as there are to anything that is particularly enjoyable and can be abused. My feeling on porn that it “isn’t a problem until it becomes a problem”. Where that line is drawn with porn will vary from couple to couple. Likewise a social drinker that has a couple of drinks once in a while isn’t in the same situation as someone that is an alcoholic. For the most part though husbandly porn use simply isn’t any statement at all about the wife, it’s just about looking at tits and ass. Watching a porn DVD sure as hell makes the rowing machine more fun to use.
The other thing that can be done is nutrition – having him eat and drink well with particular attention to what is needed to make more semen. Plus if he’s in need of exercise, that will help too. Stress can be a downer on the sex drive, but in his case I suspect that sex is a good way of reliving stress, so that’s a big win.
Also I realize that this isn’t exactly what you want, but you can ask him to chase you. It may feel awkward and slightly fake at first, but in time it can become more natural feeling. It can be as simple as texting him earlier in the day that you just want him to “just take you”, or “tonight I’m going to say no but I don’t want you to really believe that“. You may want a safeword for that last one. (My wife’s safeword is “Dershowitz and Feinstein” for example.)
And if all else fails you can slip him a Viagra and just hold on for the ride. The trick is to push it into a piece of cheese and then wrap the cheese in bacon. Serving Suggestion: In heels and not much else. Enjoy.
Hi Athol – I have a quick question hope you don’t mind,my next door neighbour is having her house renovated and at anytime over the last 12 weeks and probably for the next 12 weeks she has had different builders there.
Now my wife has gotten quite friendly with one of them in that she chats to him (no harm I think). But she has made comments such as they have real mans job (ie builder),my reply was at least I earn more than them.
She makes comments such as Mr. X says such and such most of which I ignore. However she tends too speak to them a lot more when I am not around, maybe they talk more to her when I’m not around. She seems to do lots of jobs outside the house when they are here.
Should I be worried or just ignore the whole thing? A lot of this started when you were writing about infidelity so I started getting a bit paranoid.
The good news is that your wife is talking openly about this guy, so unless she is a master of deception and playing a “hiding in plain sight” game, she’s not actually doing anything physical with this guy or likely even thinking about it in a practical sense. Cheaters have an enormous need to hide the relationship because they know it is wrong.
The less fun news is that yes she is attracted to him. I think the talking about him, talking to him and getting outside and finding opportunities to be proximal to him are all positive signs of interest. Attraction isn’t a choice, just like you can’t help but turn your head and take a second look at a hot babe, Mr. X is just around and she’s attracted to him. And yeah that is an uncomfortable feeling.
You can’t just come out and say you’re threatened by him because that’s a weakness display and tends to imply that he is better than you. You also can’t tell her that she’s being inappropriate because most likely she will just hear you calling her a slut and get very defensive and angry at you… and then that puts the idea of cheating in her head as well.
I would suspect that Mr. X is probably in better physical shape than you, so that is one area to work on improving in yourself. If he’s good looking then it’s just natural biological attraction at work here, so you need to combat that with having you look as good as you can. This is all just normal behavior at work.
Also it sounds like Mr. X is just engaging her in conversation… is your wife just bored? So the solution is for you to find ways to engage her and keep her busy and occupied. And hanging out and cockblocking doesn’t hurt either. Don’t just arrive and give her gifts, do something with her.
The most concerning news is the tone of contempt for you that I think I heard in the statement that “they have a real mans job“. I think you should bump back on that. Don’t just say you make more money, tell her that’s a shitty thing to say in front of her husband and just glare her down.
And oh yeah I get the paranoia thing. I read so many freaking horror stories that it gives me the paranoia sometimes too. So don’t go too crazy about the current situation, just take it as a wake up call that things might have been slipping a bit on your end. If you start seeing her make changes in dress, suddenly working out, clamming up about him, sneaking about, or her establishing a relationship with him beyond “over the fence” (i.e. email, calls, texts) then you’re going to want to step it up and become more aggressive. In theory this guy is totally gone in a few months anyway.
So attraction in and of itself isn’t wrong for her, but her taking action on it is. So for now, the battlefield you fight on is the attraction battlefield. So don’t draw attention to him, try pulling her attention on to you.
I’m not a huge yard work fan. Yet in the last few days I have mowed the lawn, trimmed the shrubs back, and done the majority of the grunt work of hacking down the Rhododendrons Of Unusual Size (ROUS) that blocked out the view of the street from the 1st floor of the house.
Actually we’re in a split level so perhaps we’re on the 0.5st floor or the 1.5st floor, I’m not really sure which. Anyway, we’re quite high up and the ROUS were blocking the view of the street. Youngest is now in middle school and waits for the school bus across the road, down the street, around the corner but still in direct line of sight of our living room window. Except the ROUS totally blocks the view, so it’s kind of more like pine of sight than anything.
Jennifer didn’t particularly complain about the ROUS, but I understood that she…
I had touched on the work of Dr Helen Fisher in an earlier post I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You. I truly believe she has the best handle on love as a topic and much of what I’ve worked on does tie in fairly directly with her viewpoint. Though with a few different terms and a somewhat more applied approach.
I’ll follow up on what a lot of this means for myself and Jennifer personally soon, but I think the basic theory is valuable to get down first. The 10 second summary being…
In love = Dopamine based excitement / OCD like mental obsession on person of desire. (This is why SSRIs can kill off romance and interest in sex btw) The addition of Game understanding is that Alpha Traits compliment this process.
Pair Bond = Oxytocin / Vasopressin based emotional bonding and closeness. The addition of Game understanding is the Beta Traits compliment this process.
Sexual Drive = Testosterone based all purpose generic horniness towards the opposite sex. Physical fitness compliments this process.
Anyway, I stumbled across a brillant video of her explaining things… enjoy. (The video player is a little twitchy it seems and doesn’t show up in Google Reader.)
I don’t drink very much… about 1-2 drinks a week. Plus I never got into the real boozing scene at college being at the time a fairly squeaky clean Christian guy. As such my alcohol tolerance is fairly low and thanks to an experiment that I run maybe once every 4-5 years I’ve established that six drinks is going to have me cuddling up to a toilet bowl with a deep personal sense of regret.
This is one of those jokes you can just save up and unleash at the perfect moment.
The setup is when a female announces that she’s going to ask you a question, but doesn’t actually ask the question.
She: “Hey I need to ask you something”
Then you answer by looking faux defensive, best done by holding your hands in front of you as if to ward her off, but with a knowing little smile and say…
Me: “Oh I’m really flattered, but I’m married“.
As long as she has any level of general attraction for you, and you deliver it with confidence, she’ll love the line. I think it has something to do with both sexualizing the conversation, but also the humor in that you’re trying to sexually defuse it as well. Plus it frames you as the hot one and that she’s the one with the sexual interest. And the preselection mention of a woman you are already having sex with (you wife) and your sexual fidelity as well.
So anyway, I happened to use the line on a cute 23 year old today. Her original intent was to settle an argument with a coworker about whether or not Splenda was made of sugar. She laughed at my line then as I answered her actual question she interestingly snaked her arm around my waist.
Which was a perfect segue into me just smiling and walking away and doing something else.
Why do people cheat? And how does it impact their relationships with spouses, lovers, friends, and family. The Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) is currently casting a new series called “Unfaithful” which examines infidelity among couples. The show features couples who have been forced to face the fallout that so often goes along with being unfaithful.
We are looking for couples with compelling stories about infidelity of all types. Both sides must be willing to be open and honest about their experiences. If you are interested, please email Patrick Hartz at email@example.com for more details.
Ok ok, so I told a tiny little white lie in the title, you won’t be sitting on the comfy couch with Oprah herself, my leverage isn’t quite that good and for some reason her cell phone keeps losing signal when I call her, but isn’t being on any sort of TV your destiny anyway?
I did get to see the pilot episode that Patrick forwarded on to me and it’s very good. Great production values, pacing and really showed the emotional intensity of affairs very well. Excellent at showing the horror of waking up and realizing the grass isn’t greener and mistakes have been made. Both heartbreaking in watching actors replaying the drama of critical moments as the couple narrated and heartwarming in seeing the rekindling of love and a life together. I liked it.
Though I admit I about threw my soda at the screen when one wife gave the “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You” line and the husband just folded like a chump not realizing another man was involved. Maybe I’m simplifying things a little much, but everyone needs a class in Game before they marry. I. Shall. Fix. This.
So if you’re interested give Patrick a tinkle at firstname.lastname@example.org. As an aside – I get nothing for this, I just liked the pilot and cheating wrecks lives. Showing some of the ugly inner workings is a helpful and noble cause. Though of course please mention who sent you… and naturally how awesome it would be if… well… you know… maybe I could um… have my own show.