Sexy Move: Pilot Light Love In Just Five Minutes A Day

Following on from the day before yesterday where the scenario is (1) she wants you out, and (2) there is no other man in the picture – which is NOT a guarantee just because she has stated no one else is involved – and (3) the cause of the problem is largely your lack of attention at holding up your end of the deal in the relationship.
One simple thing that you can do each day to keep love alive, even when things are very bad between you, is what I call a Pilot Light move.
The idea is you perform one small act of service for her each day as an intentional act of love, and in doing it for her, she receives it and acknowledges your motivation for doing so is love. Also the act of service isn’t random, ideally she tells you what that act would be that she would appreciate.
The act of service can be as simple as; make her a cup of coffee each morning, buy her a flower each day, write her a note of thanks for something, clean the kitchen counter off before bed at night, spend five minutes just listening to her. And yes indeed all this sounds very Beta.
The point is that when her interest in you is so low that she’s just thinking about leaving you, you’ve somehow screwed up in multiple small (and large) ways how you relate to her for a very long time. By asking her exactly what it is that you can do that wouldn’t be screwing up in relating to her, you ensure that you find if nothing else ONE small way to get it right.
Sometimes the core problem is not that you don’t love her, but that the way you try and express it doesn’t hit the buttons she wants hit for her to experience feeling loved. It’s the same sort of thing where she thinks by her matching the couch cushions to the curtains that it makes you feel loved. You probably don’t even know that they match. Seriously go look, they match, she did that on purpose because knowing that they match makes it easier for her to orgasm when the lights are off and she’s in a totally different room. And you being a great lug don’t even act like you care about them. Bastard.
What you’re doing here is taking control of the situation and basically saying, “give me a shooting fish in a barrel easy target that I can hit and I’ll hit it”. And then you hit it. It’s not a magic bullet, it’s just about making her believe that the marriage can change and things can get better.
It’s that “help me, help you” Jerry Maguire moment sort of thing. Marriage is cooperation. If you can’t play as a team, you’re going to have a slump, and you can’t get out of a slump unless you play as a team. The Alpha aspect of the move is framing yourself as the leader of the team.
So anyway like I said, it’s no magic bullet. It’s about making a turn around in the direction things are heading and buying a little time to get some of the other Alpha and Beta trait things in place.
And when you do your little act of love, don’t stand around like a lost puppy waiting to see her reaction. Just do it and move on with your day. It’s meant to just roll around in her head and be a positive mindfuck sort of thing. Also importantly it’s a small act of service, not some grandiose thing. Check out why you should give her skittles and not something huge like jewelry.
When she admits that this is working for her, you tell her you want to try one more little thing to turn it around… The Ten Second Kiss.


  1. Susan Walsh says

    Athol, I think you've got the female psychology exactly right here. One small thing that my husband does every morning is bring me a cup of coffee in bed. I wake up a bit later than he does, so it means he has to go downstairs and get it for me. He does this when he sees that I am waking up. He doesn't say a word, or hang around for a compliment, he just puts it on the night table and continues getting ready. I appreciate it so much. Over the years, I've found myself telling friends about this sweet gesture, and there's always a collective murmur of approval. This small thing has been a sort of insurance policy that keeps me feeling loved in my marriage.

  2. Doug1 says

    I think this would probably be especially impactful to do in an eggshells situation like Aphron and the two anonymous guys from yesterday's post.

    I realize that their biggest problems are being too beta and this might seem analytically like being from the beta side of the alpha/beta mix that Athol preaches as working best in a marriage. Without as Athol says waiting around for approval or a kiss or something it isn't the bad kind of beta at all. This bit is in fact crucial:

    And when you do your little act of love, don't stand around like a lost puppy waiting to see her reaction. Just do it and move on with your day. It's meant to just roll around in her head and be a positive mindfuck sort of thing. Also importantly it's a small act of service, not some grandiose thing.

    As well it will tend to offset in good way things like stubbornly but calming refusing to move out of the house "for awhile" or sleep on the couch or a guest bedroom. (Let her do that if she wants to – not you.) Offset as well no longer accepting the blame for everything, but rather playfully teasing her about some of the more far fetched of those things, by e.g. agreeing and amplifying with some absurd blaming claim of hers.

  3. Space says

    I strongly reccomend The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. As a fair warning, the book does have quite a bit of a Christian perspective, but if you are not Christian (I'm not), it's very easy to ignore. The actual content as far as discussing relationship dynamics is incredibly useful, in my opinion. It helps big time, in terms of figuring out what your pilot light activity will be.

    My man's main 'love language' is touch. I make sure I squeeze and kiss him each time I greet him after work. I really like words of affirmation. He makes sure to tell me how he feels about me every day. It only takes three words, and it makes a whole world of difference. I used to have trouble with PDA, but now I enjoy showing affection in public (tastefully – we don't make other people uncomfortable), because I know he sees it as a symbol of my love for him. He has a naturally sarcastic and playful personality, but he absolutely *never* makes sarcastic jokes about me, because he knows how much it would hurt me. I explained to him, and he understands, that when he speaks respectfully to me, especially in public, I take it as a symbol of his love for me.

    Each person is different. The book talks about five main love languages, but there are many different 'dialects' of each language, and it's so helpful to figure out which dialects of love are most meaningful to your lover. It makes it so easy to put in a regular effort and make sure you never take each other for granted.

  4. Athol Kay says

    The Five Love Languages is a good basic theory. I can't force myself through the book though having kinda "got it" straight away once it was explained.

  5. haleyshalo says

    Also seconding the rec for "The Five Love Languages." It's pretty basic stuff, easy to read in one sitting at the bookstore, but invaluable in maintaining a relationship. I would recommend it to anyone in a serious dating or marriage relationship.

  6. hambydammit says

    "Seriously go look, they match, she did that on purpose because knowing that they match makes it easier for her to orgasm when the lights are off and she's in a totally different room. "


    Oh, God… my side hurts…


  7. Anonymous says

    Great suggestion, and I really appreciate how you explained that there's some framing involved. If you hadn't explained that I would have probably ignored this; I've spent our marriage serving my wife hand and foot, so I wouldn't expect a simple act to improve things.

    Unfortunately, it didn't work that way for me — she responded by not working with me at all; she didn't respond to any of my suggestions, and didn't suggest anything of her own. The impression I got was that she didn't want to be shown love.

    So, I have to settle for second best: pick something simple and obvious. I think a note or a rose is sensible and clear enough.

  8. Athol Kay says

    If you've been serving her hand and foot you're already doing overkill on the Beta front. I would pull back a little from some of that and just work on the Alpha concerns.

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