Breaking A Sexual Deadlock With A Game Of Dominance And Submission

I want spontaneous, passionate sex and i don’t want to know when it hits. He wants exactly the same and is annoyed by the idea of scheduling, even if it’s “in the next 24 hours”. This makes the whole situation especially tricky.
Then again, I’d rather schedule and not enjoy it that much than stay without. This is the part where we don’t agree. Thing is, it’s hard to get in the mood when you’re “forced into it”.
Well if you both sit around waiting for spontaneous passionate sex you may be in for a long wait. Also both of you have a chink in your armor in terms of an opening for someone outside the marriage to make a move on the other spouse… but you knew that already.
Why not share a small item that symbolizes sexual control, maybe a soft toy, a necklace, a rubber band… whatever it is doesn’t matter. Whoever possesses the locus of control is required to be the one to initiate sex and/or “be in charge” for the next occasion. The other partner without it, may not initiate it and/or must respond to the advance. After sex the one in charge of the control item may elect to either keep it, or give it to the other partner.
You guys sound evenly matched, perhaps this will create a little extra drama and sexual tension, but also keep things moving. There is a slight element of dominance and submission that you can add into the game too. It sounds like you’d both want to be the one pounced on, so unlikely that one person hogs the locus for too long.
Have fun! It’s a game.


  1. Okay, I just commented on another post, asking what else to do to encourage my husband to go Alpha more often. We are also evenly matched like the OP above, and we both love the other to initiate. We’ve fallen into habits of pursue/hesitate, because he tends toward beta, I have the higher sex drive right now (just happened–weird and maybe we are just having to find a new normal after him being mr. horny for the first 10 years of our marriage??) and I get ticked off/turned off when I have to initiate very often. If he doesn’t get aggressive for several days, I feel unloved, unattractive, and like he doesn’t want me so I get hurt and withdraw, wanting him to chase me…but he gets sad, wondering what he did, and tries to woo me into feeling better…and I want him to drag me upstairs and rip my clothes off. But if I have to tell him to, HUGE turnoff for me. Blah.

    We have had great success overcoming this pattern in other areas, like planning date night, by taking turns owning the decisions and the other one enjoying being along for the ride. I am definitely trying the trinket thing for sexy time. Thank you so much for this…I have hope and a plan. :)

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