Getting The Wife To Watch Porn With You

Athol,
First off thanks for your blog, it has been an inspiration. My wife and I both read your blog nearly everyday, and it has helped our marriage grow stronger. My wife is what my friends call an “easy wife”. She is fairly laid back and we have a lot of fun flirting and teasing one another. Also I am the only sexual partner my wife has ever had, which helps the situation even more. My wife and I have a great marriage and our sex life is very good (4-5) times a week, sometime more.
However, there is one area of contention….porn. I rather enjoy watching porn, and not just from a omgboobs point of view. I do not watch porn or even want to watch porn very often, couple times a month at most. I’m not the type to sit around at watch porn all day, even if I could. So I took a risk the other day and told my wife that I occasional look at porn and that I want her to watch it with me. To me this is amazingly sexy and I would prefer to watch with her than watch alone. She told me she didn’t want to me to watch it alone. However, she also doesn’t want to watch it with me.
So I feel a bit stuck. To me watching porn occasionally is just a part of who I am sexually, and I feel like I cannot share that with my wife. Any suggestions?
My personal view of porn is that “it isn’t a problem, until it is a problem”. Often things that are really fun and enjoyable become much less so and even destructive if abused. Take bacon for example, bacon is the most wonderful food in all of human history and probably will never be displaced from that status. Bacon is crunchy and tasty and fatty and delicious. A salad with bacon is just a game of hide and seek the bacon. Bacon is like bacon unto me. That sentence makes no sense at all, but it rocks for a double mention of bacon. Bacon be with you. I could eat bacon all day though, and therein lies the problem. My heart would eventually stop from the extra hundreds of pounds of body weight gained from my bacon consumption. It’s a possible solution to just ban bacon, but who wants to live in a world without bacon? Well maybe pigs do, but that’s not the point.
So anyway, I eat bacon, just not lots of it. Despite the fact that I avoid my doctor and cholesterol lab work, I’m fairly sure that for me, bacon is not a problem. All things in moderation is the key.
So to me, a few viewings of porn a month isn’t really a problem. Especially if there is still 4-5 times of weekly sex happening. If it was a case of the husband having multiple times of heavy porn viewing a week, sneaking awake in the middle of the night and jerking off to porn and then not being able to have sex with the wife, that’s a problem. If you got fired for watching porn at work, that’s a problem. If you’re whacking off to gay porn and you’re married, that’s a whole other problem. If the children are all hungry and crying because he was left to watch them and instead just watched porn, that’s a problem. If you start making a pot of oatmeal and sneak away for a minute to watch some porn and you discover an hour later that you are trying to smelt oatmeal, that’s a problem.
In fact I suspect that for some people watching porn actually aids in them sustaining a monogamous relationship. There is a strong natural inclination to both create a primary partner relationship, but also to try and sneak something extra on the side as something kinda random and no strings. Particularly the males have this impulse. So a here and there erotic video can actually go some distance to meeting that built in need for variety and excitement. I’m not saying if the porn gets banned that he’ll end up cheating, but I do think it can play a moderating influence on that promiscuous impulse.
The trouble is that so much porn is just bad. And by bad I mean pathetically awful. Modern adult stores are almost overwhelming in the range and supply of titles that are offered, somehow all look nearly the same. Personally I get surrounded by 1000 DVD titles with a picture of tits and a vagina on the front cover I start shutting down from over-choice. There’s bad acting and then there’s the silted dialogue and faux orgasmic wailing of porn. Seriously, sometimes it’s just better with the sound off. And then there’s the Internet, which is like the Interstate System of porn. Got a particular kink? The Internet can hook you up with so much of it that you’ll be sorry you asked.
Overall though I suspect she’s got some of these concerns…
1. That this is going to open the door to something she really doesn’t want, like you being a total porndog and ignoring her or being less into her.
2. She’s probably concerned that watching porn is just going to be awkward and embarrassing.
3. She may worry that you will think less of her for watching.
4. She may be worried that she will like it.
In the end she may just be a low-stimulation person. As you said she’s “easy” and “laid back”. That means that even moderate stimulation, say a four person dinner party as opposed to throwing a party for 50 people is stimulating enough for her. One sex partner as opposed to twenty sex partners is stimulating enough for her. For the most part it’s a really good trait as long as you yourself aren’t high stimulation.
So sometimes less is more. Rather than reach for “Anal Cumwhores 23″ as the starting point, you can pull it back to something explicit but also Sex Ed in tone. About a decade ago Jennifer and I watched The Better Sex Video Series together. Being sex crazed I’m not sure I learned terribly much new, but it had good production values and it was helpful at opening up things between us. Plus Jennifer was basically drenched in readiness for me after watching them. So no complaints here.
So my basic suggestion to her – to you – is to try it. You may like it more than you expect. He’s being honest with you and isn’t cheating. As odd as it may seem, he’s actually trying to connect with you deeper than he already has.
Just slip into the silk and cuddle up together on the couch with a glass of wine and watch some explicit sex ed. It’s a great idea to do stuff to each other while you watch too. Suggest a washable something spread on the couch under you.
Actually as I recall back in the day when we watched the first video in The Better Sex Series together, I just hauled the whole mattress off the bed and dragged it to the living room and put it in front of the TV. But then I am the master of subtlety aren’t I.

Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    I'd also recommend selecting porn that contains subject matter unlikely to turn off your wife – nothing openly degrading, something with decent production values and actors she's likely to find attractive (presumably you know her type).

  2. Particularly the males have this impulse.

    I dunno, human male testicle size and semen composition suggest to me that the "hypergamy story" (that females leap from branch to branch, but rarely grab two branches at once) is a tame version of truth that we men comfort ourselves with.

    The physical evidence plus the logic that women have exactly as much to lose as men by mixing genes with just one other person (what if the genes aren't very compatible?? *poof* goes her genetic legacy!) hints that our women are cheating on us as much as we're cheating on them.

  3. Anonymous says:
  4. The last time we were in Vegas, we did a PPV porn — first time of watching a dirty movie together in 15 years of marriage. The bad news was…it was just godawfully awful. The good news was, we laughed ourselves silly for about five minutes, shut it off, and then screwed like newlyweds.

  5. Bless you, Athol Kay, for articulating a commonsense moderate view of porn so nicely. I'm a chick, and I have no problem with my man or any other man watching porn _until it's a problem_.

  6. Susan Walsh says:

    A salad with bacon is just a game of hide and seek the bacon.
    The reason I order the Factory Chopped Salad any time I am dragged to The Cheesecake Factory.

    Seriously, I like porn, but not very much of it. I think the key is to tap into his wife's fantasies. There is surely straight porn that will include it. Also, I think very few couples want the both of a full length feature lol with all the terrible acting. A little bit of preamble and getting busy is much better. I suggest going onto YouPorn, choosing a category that looks interesting to her and sample some highly rated videos.

    My biggest worry about watching porn with a man is that he's going to want to see some 35 y o pretending to be a college girl and blowing a whole group of guys at once. No woman wants to see that.

    I have read that a lot of women watch gay male porn, but that's probably asking a bit much of hubby. Or at least we hope so.

  7. Hey, just a question for y'all:

    Everyone here seems to enjoy a little porn occasionally (I do myself). How do you feel about your children becoming actors/actresses in the porn industry – that okay? For the dudes: would you marry a porn actress?

    Genuinely curious, not scolding anyone…

  8. Athol Kay says:

    Personally I would be uncomfortable with my kids doing porn. Would I marry someone in the industry, very unlikely.

    Porn is mostly awful, but it has a few little areas of sweetness. Personally I like actual couples rather than the random actor hook up scenes. Which is fairly different in nature.

  9. Anonymous says:

    Cat Lady,
    A little porn seems to help marriages, and God bless the hard working actors and actresses who are busy pounding away at their porn jobs all day, but no, HELL no, would it ever be okay for my children to enter this industry.

    And to Laurence Fishburne, my heartfelt sympathies.

  10. To each his own, but I wouldn't be comfortable watching porn with my wife. There is something about using another woman and another man to get us horny for eachother that I don't like (and that I'm very sure she wouldn't like). We have a very trusting relationship, but much of it is based on complete faith in the other person's willingness and ability to quickly shut down advances from the opposite sex, and while watching porn together would not be a violation of that trust, I worry there would be something destabilizing about using other people to get us hot for eachother, especially when we don't have any problem getting that way on our own.

    I also have seen bad results from married friends who embraced external erotica as a means of stimulation. I used to work with a guy whose wife would often send him to the titty bar after work to get all hornied up for the evening. We all thought he had the coolest wife in the world. He ended up cheating on her with a stripper multiple times, she found out, and they got divorced. Watching porn together is different from that, but psychologically I think it trains your brain to open up some of the same doors, doors that I'd just as soon leave closed in my marriage.

  11. Anonymous says:

    Eric, I think your comment is interesting. I remember reading about studies where couples in the experimental group watched porn and the control did not and the couples who watched porn all became less satisfied with their partner and the relationship. I think porn does involve other people in your relationship and also your expectations about bodies and sex change as you view it. i dont know if it is possible for this stimulation not to affect the viewer.

    Deborah

  12. Anonymous says:

    Hey Athol,

    Cat Lady has a really important point, one that persists for most women. If porn is so "ok" (and just like Cat Lady, I'm NOT making a value judgement here), then why do men ALSO think that porn stars are too "unfit" for a relationship? It seems really unfair. I've never had a man explain it. He just shifts in his chair and says something along the lines of "C'mon. YOU know why…". Nope. Enlighten.

    Now, I'm a huge fan of yor site, but the one thing that really irks me is how you seem to think that women who've had lovers other than their husband are somehow less "fit" as a wife. To me, this smacks so much of "virgin/whore". It would make much more sense to put your money where you mouth is — if porn is so "ok", then so should actresses and ESPECIALLY women who KNOW other men and yet still chose THEIR man. To me, what's more Alpha than that? I def don't want a little boy running around so scared of his manhood that he can only take a virgin, but also want to get off to porn. All while smug that HIS wife wouldn't want other men.

  13. Athol Kay says:

    Anon 12:18 – Theres a lot of evidence that the more sexual partners a woman has, reduces her sexual enjoyment and happiness in marriage. Plus she is more likely to divorce and/or cheat on him. So it's not simply a madonna/whore approach I have, it's more of a science/risk approach.

    A classic problem for a regular guy marrying a woman with a high partner count is that she has invariably had sex with significantly better men than her husband at some point. So the tendency is to be unsatisifed with him.

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