Nice Guy Trap: Her Orgasm Is Not Your Responsibility

It’s a nice guy trap to think that you are somehow responsible for your wife’s orgasm.
The wife’s orgasms are up to her. It doesn’t mean she has to masturbate after being pumped and dumped on her side of the bed by an oaf of a husband night after night, it means that she can’t just lie there while you expect to magically divine and perform what it takes to get her off.
It used to be common that a woman lied to a man and faked an orgasm to let him think he was a wonderful lover, or simply to have the beast stop doing whatever the hell he was trying to do. Nowadays that’s just silly. The whole Harry Met Sally Orgasm In The Diner thing isn’t classic comedy, it’s epic fail. It’s literally shouting “I’m really skilled at getting myself bad sex that I don’t like”.
If she wants an orgasm she needs to take responsibility for them and say what works and what doesn’t and co-create them with you. If she doesn’t want an orgasm on a particular night, you shouldn’t feel the need to give her one. If she wants three, then work together for that. If she just wants you to have your fun and not try for an orgasm herself then just go for it. If you don’t go for it you’re on some level actually rejecting her sexually. 
Seriously think about that…
She: “Here’s my warm, wet, willing vagina. Have some fun.”
He: “But I don’t feel comfortable about that unless I get you off too. Tomorrow?”
She: “Fine.”
He: (thinks… “why doesn’t she want to have sex with me?”)
So if she doesn’t care about having an orgasm on any given night, you don’t care either.
She needs to hold up her end of the sex life of the marriage rather than you trying to do it all while she is passive. Not many women orgasm through intercourse alone and empowering her to find her way there with you opens up a lot of possibilities and energy into having sex together. More bluntly put, try some exploration of positions where you can be inside her and she can have a finger or two on her clitoris and get herself all the way there rather than the 70% mark….
…she will likely be loud about that.
Well… maybe not quite as loud as Meg Ryan… but then she won’t be overacting when she has an actual orgasm will she.
But coming back to the nice guy trap, too often nice guys want to take on her responsibilities for her. If you end up trying to wrestle this off her in hopes of pleasing her more, you simply won’t do as good a job as she could.
Spend some time figuring out what it is that you want to experience in bed.

Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    I am glad you have said this. There was a huge amount of fuss about the female orgasm about thirty years ago. Books written, articles in droves. I have the feeling, looking back, that a lot of it was political.

    Men feel terribly guilty in this area, but there may be nothing they can do. There is a theory that whether a woman orgasms during sex or not is mostly genetics. A man may not be able to make much difference.

    I just fuck my wife. Please yourself at least. Too much emphasis on pleasing the woman is probably counterproductive, beta in a bad way, is really often just the man trying to prove something, and is probably a waste of time. Women's physical and emotional reactions are nearly totally unpredictable.

    A number of women have said recently on the Internet that they just want to be fucked by their men, not approached as a bioengineering problem.

    David Collard

  2. "It doesn't mean she has to masturbate after being pumped and dumped on her side of the bed by an oaf of a husband night after night"

    So what's wrong with doing this? There's some really amazing vibrators out on the market now…works for me! Note: for real sex, you sneak out with your boyfriend and leave the oaf with his TV & brewskis.

    Just kidding! Happy Halloween or Día de los Muertos!

  3. Athol Kay says:

    Julia – you're going the right way for a smacked bottom. :-)

  4. Anonymous says:

    I smacked my wife's bottom before I fucked her this morning. Just a few reminders of what it is like. She has this frustrating habit of saying how she would like to go over my knee soon – but not now. So I usually just give her a couple to remind her, and this morning I asked her if she preferred to be spanked with her panties down or right off. Just to start the little hussy's motor running.

    Oh, and I gamed her right into my arms. Hold back on the affection for a while, hint that sex will lead to a husbandly cuddle, and off come the panties.

    David Collard

  5. I've been saying this to women for YEARS. In your exact words too…"Your orgasm is YOUR responsibility!" Not to be a jerk, but simply put…women are more complicated physiologically. Some women can't orgasm though penetration. Some need direct clitoral stimulation. For others it's painful. Some need direct stimulation, but soft. Women need to direct men to what feels good for them, and not in a way that attacks his masculinity. He generally WANTS you to get off – it's a boost to a man's ego that he gave you an orgasm. Too many women think a man should magically know exactly what pleases her. All dicks work the same – you rub on them in a particular way, and sooner or later (sometimes too soon…HA HA!) it'll BUST. Vaginas don't work the same way. Men ALWAYS get theirs, but he'd probably like you to get yours too. You just have to speak up and instead of just laying there and taking it – take some initiative. Better yet, get on top and do it yourself!

  6. Anonymous says:

    I don't like having too much pressure on me to orgasm. For whatever reason, maybe I'm too used to doing it myself, I don't get there easily with a lover, but for the most part, it really doesn't matter that much. I honestly enjoy having sex and if I get to orgasm, it's really nice, but in some ways I'm glad it's difficult because it keeps the desire going longer. Once I've had my orgasm, I'm kind of done, so if it happened in the first 5 minutes it wouldn't be so hot anyway. I just worry that the guy will think he's insufficient somehow and it's difficult to convince a man otherwise, but really, if I'm still banging you after a time, it can't be that bad! And leaving a woman wanting more isn't a bad idea either, at least in my book.

  7. I've always believed that each person's orgasm is their own responsibility. My man responds really well when I give explicit suggestions on how he can help me. :-) I don't expect him to read my mind. It can be fun to hear the words said out loud.

    I like it when he does the same. Women can have some of the same worries about being good enough in bed. It's not usually too complicated for a man to get pleasure from sex. But, still, it's nice for a woman to get feedback on how to increase that pleasure.

    My general view is that you are responsible for your own orgasm, and that you are responsible to communicate anything you'd like to have assist you with that orgasm. Also, you are responsible to respond to any reasonable request from your partner.

  8. I agree with anonymous November 1, I don't like having too much pressure on me to orgasm either. I can orgasm on my own, but for some reason, I can't seem to do it with a partner. I love sex with a man that I love, I just wish that my past partners would have understood that I really was fine not having an orgasm, but when a guy cares about you, it seems like it really hurts him when he can't bring you to that point himself.

    I've been in two relationships that went far enough to become sexual, and I dealt with the orgasm pressure in two different ways, neither of which seemed very successful.

    The first relationship, the guy I gave my virginity too, would try so hard to get me to orgasm, and nothing seemed to be able to get me there. It all felt amazing and I loved all the foreplay, but I would feel so bad for him, trying so hard to give me pleasure, and my body just wouldn't perform for him. I loved sex with him, it felt amazing and I felt perfectly satisfied, but it would make him so sad afterward, like he had failed somehow, no matter what I said to reassure him.

    I felt so bad, that I started faking for him; I know I shouldn't have, but I just didn't know what else to do to make him happy. I wanted to make him happy so bad… as much as I would try to enjoy what he would do to me, I just couldn't get my body to orgasm. One time he mistook a cry of pleasure for the big 'O', so I just started going with it… he was so happy and proud of himself (I was his first too) that I just couldn't stop faking it for him after that.

    After that, he gave me some amazing foreplay, but he would never stop and move onto his own pleasure unless I had faked an orgasm for him at least once. And then I had to fake again when he was penetrating me before he would allow himself to come. I think it ended up being one of the main things that ended up going sour between us… the guilt of faking all the time was eating me up, but I couldn't bring myself to hurt him by telling the truth, but at the same time, my pleasure in sex would be diminished every time I lied. It got to the point where I just didn't want to have sex with him anymore and we ended up breaking up. That wasn't the only reason, but as sad as it is, it was probably the driving force behind most of my rationalizations for the breakup.

    So after the relationship ended with him, I decided I wouldn't fake again.

  9. With my second serious relationship, the first time we got intimate, he tried really hard to get me to orgasm during foreplay, and again I had the same problem where I just couldn't. I told him that I had a hard time orgasming with a partner, but that I felt wonderful from the pleasure he had given me and that I felt ready for sex if he wanted to move on. I was tearing up a bit and I guess he could tell because he held me then and told me not to worry and that we'd work on my problem together and that eventually I'd be able to have an orgasm with him. At the time, I felt wonderful and so reassured… I really thought he meant it.

    After that, he never really tried to do too much foreplay with me again. We'd have sex, and at first it was great, he was big into doing the alpha thing and just bending me over the counter when I was making him a sandwich, or roughly throwing me on the bed or sofa, which I loved and it would turn me on so much, but as time went on and the foreplay was conspicuously missing after that first time, I started to feel used. He would ask for blow jobs, but when it came to me, he wouldn't offer. I eventually got up my courage up enough to ask for some foreplay for myself, but his answer to that was for me to do the cowgirl position while touching myself. I tried that for a while, but it really just made me hate doing the cowgirl thing (he said that most girls had an easier time orgasming in that position, but I think the opposite is true for me). After that, I tried asking him again if he would touch me a little before sex, that I would love if he would just touch me down there with his hands for a little bit (I made sure to clarify that time that I would be very happy with just hands as I thought maybe he had oral issues), but he just kept making excuses or taking me in situations like against a wall, or counter top so there wasn't enough time to really fulfill my needs too. That was definitely one of the main reasons why it didn't end up working between us… and I know it was the whole orgasming thing again. If I could have given him a real orgasm back during that first time with him, I'm sure he would have felt confident enough to continue giving me some foreplay after that…

    For the next time I get in a serious relationship, I'd really like it to work out to where it ends up in marriage, but I'm getting more and more scared that unless I can find an answer to the whole orgasming thing, its never going to work out. I guess I was hoping that maybe you might be able to give me some advice? Is there a way I could better handle this problem?

  10. I think the problem is that you aren't standing up for yourself and your needs. When you lied to the first boyfriend and faked it, ultimately you cheated you out out of finding a way to have an orgasm with him.

    With your second boyfriend you let him have sex with you repeatedly without having any concern for any of your pleasure.

    I think the next time around you should start off with mutual masturbation and/or masturbation in front of or cuddled up to your partner before trying to jump straight into sex. You need to take your own power in hand and ensure you have orgasms with them. Whether that's with them just watching you, touching you, cuddling you, doing things to you, or having sex with you, you are the one that needs to ensure you orgasm.

    Also… your two lovers might have simply been lousy in bed.

  11. Anonymous says:

    Thank you very much for the advice :)
    I'll definitely give it a try next time I'm in a serious relationship. I've often been told that I'm a bit shy and not very good at asserting myself, so I know that's definitely one of my problem areas. It's especially hard for me to be the one to initiate the sexual stuff, but I'll try to do the masturbation thing first next time; hopefully that will be the thing to make the difference in the way everything ultimately goes.

    But it's not so much that I have to have an orgasm, as I just want to be touched. It seems like, at least with the two men I've been involved with so far, they have both reacted very badly to not being able to bring me to orgasm, like it severely damaged their respective egos. And I'm worried that even if I try the mutual masturbation thing, I still take a rather long time to get myself off, even as long as two or three hours at my worst. I really don't expect a guy I'm with to wait around that long… I just don't want to feel like I must orgasm in order to keep him happy and willing to provide me with pleasure as well. Orgasming doesn't come easily for me, but I do still feel pleasure and like having the normal touching that probably does make other women orgasm, but I feel like that I'll loose out on that normal touching if the man I'm with feels like its impossible for him to be able to bring my body to orgasm. I guess, what I'm really trying to ask is, what can I do or say that is going to take some of the pressure off of me to orgasm for him without hurting his feelings to the point where he'll neglect my needs?

  12. Athol Kay says:

    2-3 hours is a very long time to come to orgasm. Are you on anti-depressants or other medication that could cause sexual side effects?

    Most men are going to take your lack of orgasm very badly no matter what you say or do. It's like your body is telling them you're really not that interested in them, so it can hurt them. You may well be very interested in them though, so it's not easy at all.

    Have you ruled out any medical issues first? Have you seen anyone for your orgasm difficulties?

  13. Anonymous says:

    no, I'm not on any kind of medication. I've been to the gynecologist before, but I didn't think to ask about the length of time it takes me to orgasm, but I think she would have told me if anything looked wrong down there.

    But I really don't think there's anything wrong, its just the way I am. I get wet easily enough when I get excited, and my body shows other signs of excitement, and I feel pleasure, it's just the orgasm itself that I have problems with. I guess when I find another relationship I could try going back to my gynecologist and asking if there could be anything wrong, or anything I could take to make me orgasm easier.

    But what if I go back and she says there's nothing she can do? Maybe it would be better just to go ahead and fake? My first boyfriend never noticed and he seemed a lot happier with me and more willing to meet my needs than the second boyfriend that I was honest with. I think the lie really hurt me more then it ever hurt him, but maybe its something I may just need to accept to have a good relationship? I don't like the thought that whenever I'm in a relationship, my inability to achieve an orgasm with a partner is always going to hurt them.

  14. Athol Kay says:

    The majority of your clitoris is a hidden system inside you that your GYN can't even really see. If you don't say how long it takes to orgasm they won't think there's a problem.

    Won't hurt to ask them.

  15. Anonymous says:

    Okay, I'll try getting it checked out… maybe it will end up being an easy fix. thank you for your help! great blog! When I date again, it will most likely end up open on my computer screen when I know he'll end up seeing it :)
    -Kristen

  16. Athol Kay says:

    You are welcome. Glad to have helped. My book is getting there too. :-)

  17. Anonymous says:

    a book would be even easier to 'accidentally' leave out… I'll definitely be getting a copy :)

  18. Athol Kay says:

    Kristen – have a look at Wellbutrin. I've come across some people saying that it's increased their ability to orgasm. It may or may not work for you.

  19. I really love it when my wife has an orgasm. It really turns me on to hear her moan and scream. I love pleasuring her either through oral or during sex. My wife orgasms fairly easily and usually finishes before I do. So the idea of her orgasm not being my responsibility is almost hard for me to take. I WANT to give her an orgasm. HOWEVER…I talked to her about it and she said that sometimes she is just too tired or in pain to try to have an orgasm. She said that she would be more willing to have sex if she did not feel the pressure to orgasm if she can't. So…I need to get over it! Thanks again, Athol. You helped open my eyes to yet another cockblock.

  20. UPDATE: Ok, so I read Nice "Guy Trap…" to my wife. She said, "That's what I have been trying to tell you." So I am a slow learner!! I can see much more sex in my future.

  21. Anonymous says:

    And men get so confused as to why women hate having sex with them. LOL

  22. According to the Kinsey Report, about 25% of women cannot orgasm during sex. Trust me guys when I tell you that these women are the first ones who will enthusiastically fake it until you marry them. After they get pregnant, they will never want you to touch them in bed again.

    Bait & Switch.

    So I'd like to point out the tricks of a faker.

    1.) She never wants cunnilingus. A variation of this is that she only wants a few seconds of oral, then pulls you up saying "I want you inside of me."

    2.) She seems to have an orgasm every single time you have sex. This is totally unrealistic.

    3.) She seems to have an orgasm after only 1-2 minutes of thrusting. (The average woman takes 7 minutes of thrusting.)

    While still dating, use a vibrator on her, or ask to watch while she uses it on herself. These trusty gadgets have a phenomenal success rate, so watch her face, her toes, her arching, her breathing, and her noises leading up to-during-and after her orgasm. If you never see her contort like that while she's engaging in sex with you, she's a routine faker.

    Do NOT marry a faker, and for goodness sake, do NOT believe that she is consistantly taking her Pill.

    Advice from a woman who has watched too many guy friends get screwed. —Jaz71

  23. all the comments supporting this garbage come from selfish men who have no regard for the women they claim to love.

  24. Essential Logic says:

    Marie, you sound like a selfish woman who has no regard for any man let alone the man you claim to love. You are responsible for your own orgasms. You don’t just stand there with your arms folded, foot tapping and demand happiness from your man. If you don’t know what makes you happy, how can you expect him to know? I do believe that mental stimulation is essential to achieving an orgasm and if you look at your man as a selfish enemy who owes you a climax, there is no way you are going to have an orgasm. Learn to love and relax already.

  25. udolipixie says:

    Totally agree on the “her orgasm is not your responsibility” and state that as a mantra whenever a gal I know is complaining about her unsatisfying sex life and they take it to heart by either stop having sex with him and stuck to masturbation so they could orgasm, dumping/divorcing the guy, or cheating/committing adultery on him.

    The gals I know also like how they can turn it around to “his orgasm is not my responsibility” to mean rather than feel guilty or give into his nagging as if they she should have sex when she doesn’t want to she just tell him “your orgasm is not my responsibility” and she’s happy as he goes masturbate and she doesn’t have to endure unwanted sex solely for his benefit.

    I will enjoy the new piece of advice I can give to gals “Spend some time figuring out what it is that you want to experience in bed” so rather than doing what pleases him in bed she can solely focus on what she wants and her pleasure.

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  1. [...] anything stupid like that to me again. It sounds like your husband has been reading Athol Kay. Nice Guy Trap: Her Orgasm Is Not Your Responsibility | Married Man Sex Life Good for you that you put your rebellious husband in his place. Obviously, your sexual pleasure is [...]

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