I do love a reader success story. I’ve had a little more email with this reader and the book he refers to is “No More Mr. Nice Guy“, which I just happen to be re-reading now as well. It is an excellent book. I’ve also had a sudden insight on the entire Nice Guy issue and will be posting on that in the next day or two. I will use a punnet square for the visual learners… anyway… read on…
Since you requested a response in your latest post, I figured I’d take a moment to share with you the last couple of months of my marriage.
A little background, I’m 36, I’ve been married 7 years to a great lady, who is a lot of fun, smart, loving and very much my companion in a lot ways. While we were dating, I was on top of the world. I was in great shape, lots of vitality, a lot of excitement for life, and while courting my wife I was very much “the man with the plan”. Without having the understanding of what you’ve labeled a mixture of Alpha and Beta qualities, I did this during our courtship with great success.
Somehow over the last couple of years in our marriage, I sorta lost my way. In some ways, I got lazy. I stopped trying to connect with her, then got grumpy about being denied sex, and later got whiny about it. We both have gained a significant amount of weight, and settled into a fairly… routine life. I felt a constant dissatisfaction with my life and marriage, but wasn’t sure how to fix it, which translated to very low interest to my wife.
Over this last summer, I was filled with anger with it sometimes erupting into rage over the stupidest of things. I loved my wife, and valued her, but at the same time I was totally bored with her and had next to no interest in her, other than her giving me sex… which she didn’t. I had a lot of negative emotions, and could hardly feel positive ones.
Well, I re-read a book I’d read many years ago, and it reminded me of a lot of old habits that had crept back into my life. It painfully revealed how I’d stopped leading my relationship, how I sat back and expected my wife to take care of things, and how I had no vitality.
Since early August, I’ve been working on changing the tone of my marriage. I was so disconnected that I felt it may mean the end of my marriage, which I didn’t truly want to face, but I knew if I didn’t do something divorce would eventually happen. My wife showed no sexual interest in me, turned me down flat. It became such a cynical cycle that I think I trained her to say No. It was difficult to accept the reality that it was that she wasn’t interested in sex, she wasn’t interested in sex with me. That was a bitter pill to swallow.
I decided that I wanted change, and hoped there was time to turn my marriage around. So I started living my own life, I resolved things that bothered me (long standing chores that had been neglected, that I’d blamed my wife for not completing, etc), stopped being concerned if she wanted to join me for activities and emotionally disconnected from her approval or interest in me. On the forums that I joined (associated with the book I read), they helped show me the errors in some of my thinking as I shared examples of my behaviors, they told me what was wrong. Then, I found your site, and you helped show me what was right! By reading about the mixture of Alpha and Beta qualities that were needed in a marriage and your “Sexy Tips” give me ideas of how I could easily start changing little things. I’ve gone back and started rereading your earlier posts. The first posts about “The Basics” were really poignant.
So I started treating my wife like lady. Someone that needed my help, even though she’s a self-sufficient woman. I asked her, sincerely, if she needed any thing from me at different times. I asked if she felt comfort being left alone while we were out and I needed to step away for a little bit, implying that I was there for her safety. I grabbed her and kissed her more, I got less attached to her responses. I rolled with whatever she threw my way. As I made these changes, and took responsibility for my own needs and felt the peace from having a sense of order in my life a strange thing happened. I started feeling genuine affection for my wife, and without being worried about how she would respond, I felt perfectly free to show that affection when ever it suited me. I joined a gym, and in 3 weeks I feel a huge difference in my energy levels and I feel better about life in general.
It’s been almost two months now, and the change is amazing. My wife and I are flirting again. We walked the mall the other day, and she was holding my hands, giving me old starry eyed looks that I’d not seen in a long time. She’s commented more than once that she loves the changes I’ve made, and loves following my lead. I’ve found my vitality again, and I’m able to bring energy into our marriage, and do things with my wife other than watch TV or play video games. Life seems so much richer now, and I’m just getting started.
So thanks for doing what you do. I know it must take a bit of effort to write every day about relationships and come up with topics, deal with the occasional know it all, etc. So, thanks for doing it, your insight has helped me turn my marriage around.
So what’s your story? Send it to Athol(dot)Kay@Gmail(dot)com