Upon occasion you are going to totally screw something up and be in the wrong. I’m not talking “gee I’m failing a shit test” wrong, I’m talking, objectively, provably wrong. Why did you do that wrong? Where’s the kids wrong. You taped over the wedding video wrong. Idiot, now we need to go to the ER wrong.
The solution is simple.
Say you’re sorry and put right whatever can be put right.
It’s amazing how often situations can be defused by a simple admission of wrongdoing and failure. Often what drives people’s anger higher and higher is the wrongdoers resistance to admitting obvious wrongdoing.
But sometimes that just doesn’t seem to be enough. Sometimes that story about what you did comes back around and around and no amount of apologies seem to make a dent in the situation. Plus you put right whatever you could put right long ago.
After a while the actual current problem stops being the original incident and starts being the unforgiving rage of the original victim. So they are the ones that have to fix that problem. So at some point you have to say you can’t apologize anymore as they are actively choosing to refuse to accept it. They actively want to remain angry. The problem lies on their end, not yours. Say so.
Just bear in mind that the worse the original incident, the longer you should allow for the anger process to work through. There’s some difference between forgetting her birthday and the time you were goofing off and accidentally shot her in the ass with the nail gun.
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IMHO, the real issue, aside from apologizing for something that truly merits it, is how you apologize.
It's all about the frame. Being sorry without being sorry.
In other words, as the "alpha of the group," the tone, attitude and demeanor needs to be one of a Father apologizing to his daughter that he couldn't take her to the fair because he has to work late that night…
….versus the "I'm sorry, please don't be mad at me! Will you please forgive me?!?!?!"
That kind of apologizing will trigger her beta-contempt and will increase and prolong her anger phase.
If you need to apologize, you need to do it right…and than do it only once. Never repeatedly apologize. As the man, you should never beg for forgiveness…your single, honest and direct apology is enough. She will either accept it, or she won't; it's just that begging and grovelling is going to make it far less likely that she actually will accept it and move on.
I agree 100% with Keoni that HOW you apologize is very important. You admit to what you did wrong, you do your best to fix it, and then you carry on. Never indicate that you are trying to make her happy. You are simply doing what is logical … fixing your mistakes.
Which one is worse again? The nail gun or the birthday?
Replace nail gun incident with golf ball to the boob. She still gives me a hard time for that one.
A time when you have legitimately fucked up is not the time to treat the situation as a shit test. Apologize and let her be mad. If she wants you to apologize five times, do it. Don't grovel and beg, but repeat a sincere apology.
Apologizing may be a sign of weakness if you burned the toast, but not if you ran over her cat.
Thanks for comments.
Bukki – as long as that's "a family story" told in fun it's cool.
Athol, you always end your posts with a bang. LMAO. There was an interesting article in the Wall St. Journal Tuesday about how men and women apologize differently. Men admitted that often they apologize without knowing what they did wrong – many said they do so "to move on" or "to end the drama." Women tend to get offended more easily, and to apologize more frequently – again, probably to the puzzlement of their husbands.
Keoni, I've got to completely disagree with you. There are times when you need to be "beta" in the sense of being a considerate human being who values your mate's happiness greatly. Apologising for your major screw-up is one of those times. If you're apologising for genuinely being wrong or hurting her deeply, apologising the way you just described it is honestly patronising and a slap in the face.
If you're apologising for genuinely being wrong or hurting her deeply, apologising the way you just described it is honestly patronising and a slap in the face.
The way I described does not mean I'm saying you should not be sorry, that you were not genuine about it.
Just not lowering yourself and raising her up on a pedestal just because you made a mistake.
That is all I'm saying.
Apologizing is "beta."
By even apologizing in the first place, you are in fact using "beta traits." My real point is to apologize without damaging your hierarchical status in your relationship. There's a big difference between apologizing directly, assertively and honestly versus grovelling and begging for forgiveness.
The grovelling and begging thing will simply make her respond to you with contempt and scorn piled atop her anger.
Believe me Alex, I speak from experience.
"Damaging your hierarchical status in your relationship"
Whaaa?!? Do you have any idea how absolutely insulting that statement is? NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY, deserves a hierarchical advantage in a life partnership. To say you are the top cheese just because you are an "alpha" man (or a man in general) is degrading and medieval, to say the least. If EVER a man talks to me like that, or refers to our relationship in that way, he will have a mountain to climb before EVER getting enthusiastic sex from me again. I want mutual respect, not blatant condescension.