She’s A Bad Bad Girl (Sometimes)

From today’s Post Secret.

If she is interested an any of the more freaky stuff, she’ll likely eventually seek it out. If you don’t make you an option for exploring that aspect of herself with, things might eventually get… awkward.
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  1. I've told every woman I have been with… for longer than a week… Be as bad as you want, but make sure it is just with me. I have done shameful things, sometimes to rather good results. Sex is dirty, sometimes. It can be hard work. But somebody has to do it. I just never assumed women are… sugar and spice and everything nice. I even prefer they know that part of themselves, and will try to… encourage explore that (if too, I have to sometimes be responsible about potential injury and pain). Either that, or in my opinion, it will sneak up on them. We are all feral to a degree. I learned that from many many fights.

    Still, it bugs me. I want to be James Anderson, and be married to Jane, from Father Knows Best. But I am not. And no she has ever been. Even they weren't except maybe on the surface (yeah, t.v. land, I get that, but it was representative). Then again, I like a little more privacy, the public dignity about their (my, our) private indignities. Just my thoughts.

  2. Antigone Amplified says:

    "If you don't make you an option for exploring that aspect of herself with, things might eventually get… awkward".

    Good advice here!

    "If you scrunch her into the "good girl" mantle forevermore, she may start seeing you as the jailer of her sexuality".

    Happens…shouldn't. .. but does.

    A follow up post on this would be of interest, Athol.

  3. Anonymous says:

    As the words of Kevin Bacon to a successful marriage – Keep the Fights clean and the Sex dirty

  4. I'd posit a concern of opening Pandora's Box (pun intended) to one's eventual regret.
    Light kink as gateway drugs (dirty talk, role play, light B&D, occasional toys and anal) could lead to the harder stuff (swinging, group, etc.).
    The risk: real or imagined? (I've seen this happen to at least one other couple)

  5. Athol Kay says:

    Anon that is possible, however I believe Pandora's Box is called "The Internet". If there's something she's interested in, it's coming to a home computer near you.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Maybe some women have their own version of the Madonna-Whore complex, ie marriage is SERIOUS and even sacred, and there are things she'd want to do with a lover that she doesn't feel right about doing with the father or father to be of her children.

    Also some women are probably reluctant to engage in sex acts that put them in too submissive a position, even if they desire it, for fear it will give their husbands too much power over them or at least reduce their power over their husbands.

  7. @Anonymous: I think you've hit on something important. I've come to call it the Player-Provider Complex. It's as real in many women as is the Madonna-Whore complex in many men. But it's much less spoken about.

    One can see the most ready variant of it in the mate choice dilemma that women face: do I go with the biker bad-boy or with the dutiful beta accountant (or some such)? But in addition, I think women can easily frame (and confine) the their husband as a provider and are reluctant to ever see him any differently. This prevents her from fully letting go and letting loose with him sexually. She simply can't do it with the father of her children. Perhaps there's some irrational fear that she'll unleash a beast inside of him that she can't then continue to control–exactly like a Madonna-Whore obsessed man might fear awakening the "whore" inside the "pristine" mother of his children.

  8. Personally, I think if you are absolutely repulsed by something, you shouldn't go there; your spouse should grant you some leeway if you're game with most things and you have a good marriage overall. I'm referring to the more extreme BDSM adventures and bringing third parties into the mix; not blowjobs, anal, or "rough" sex – is that even considered kinky?

    Sex addiction is a real thing; it might be better to let that person go if they can't accept your limitations; you'll never have any peace of mind with them anyway.

  9. Well blowjobs were regarded as kinky for a long time. Anal is only really getting traction as normal in the last 5 years. Rough sex isn't kinky, but it scares the hell out of most men for fear of rape accusations or simply feeling like they are raping their wife. She might even tell him she likes it and he can still be paralyzed emotionally that he's offensive and wrong.

    More extreme BDSM is over the limit for most people (it is for me at least), but some folks can't even let go to a vanilla three stroke spanking with an open cupped hand.

  10. "some folks can't even let go to a vanilla three stroke spanking with an open cupped hand." LOL!

    My own husband grew up with an alcoholic, extremely violent father that abused the kids and wife on a regular basis. As a result, he can only do what I call "Teddy Bear" sex; no dirty talk, no rough, no spanky; he has valiantly tried but no can do!

    I've learned to accept this; it would only be cruel and bitchy to push him into actions that trigger certain memories. Teddies can have fun too!

  11. Athol Kay says:

    Your husband is lucky that you can accept that limitation then. Other husbands lose their wives to other men for exactly the same thing.

    For me it took many years to gradually unlearn my excessively nice guy approach to sex and I do things now that I couldn't have done even a few years ago. We're happier for it.


  1. […] provide something your partner craves – sexually or otherwise, but usually sexually – they’ll find someone else who will. The She Wolf’s testimony certainly bears that […]

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