Sexy Move: Disco Is Female Kryptonite

Jennifer’s parents have this amazing street that still goes all out for Halloween, so we make it into our annual Candy Mecca for the kids. Of course kids with cell phones and Facebook talk to other kids… and pretty soon the word on the street is that the Kay kids have the hot ticket and pretty soon we have the entire giggle of girls wanting in.
So knowing that I’m going to play taxi driver for my youngest daughter and her friends down to my in-laws place, I decide to plan ahead. Actually let me explain why I have to plan ahead. These are all good kids, but one of them is like Kermit the Frog on cocaine in terms of the sheer verbiage that spews from her mouth. She is a good kid, she’s not disrespectful or anything, but it’s just like Robin Williams and a Gatling gun made a baby together and she has the Gatling gun’s sense of humor. I feel bad for just tolerating her, but I just can’t take it.
So anyway… 30 minute car ride with this kid. Something has to be done…
Buy Me!

When She Crosses The Line: Kick The Bitch Out?

Husband discovers 600 text messages to the same unknown number in a month on the wifes phone bill. Hold that in your head as you read…
Eventually in a marriage your wife is going to do something that crosses the line. That thing might be something major or something minor. It might be crossing the line on something you’ve discussed and agreed on, or something that was a non discussed unwritten rule. Perhaps you weren’t even aware of the rule floating in the back of your mind until she broke the rule and you got angry about it. She can cross the line on purpose or unintentionally. Eventually though, she is just bound to do something that really pisses you off.
The non-Alpha response when she crosses the line is simply to down play it, not respond and internalize the anger. You might express anger but it’s usually framed as a polite request. Or you quietly fume and act out your anger passively. It’s usually pretty ineffective as a strategy in that she’s not really been made to suffer any consequence for her actions. You’re acting less socially dominant than she is and just sucking up her shit like she’s your boss and you’re her employee.
The Alpha response is to go on the offensive and bump back on her behavior and make sure she understands that whatever it was isn’t shouldn’t happen again. There’s a balance between the seriousness of the offense and intention. There’s a world of difference between her having sex with another guy and a few random text messages to a guy about nothing in particular that she told you about. There’s a world of difference between her crashing the car into the closed garage door and tapping a trash can. There’s a world of difference between losing her job for tardiness and being five minutes late for a date. There’s a world of difference between shoplifting and overdue library books. Balance people, balance.
In short, whatever level of disagreement / expression of anger / punishment / sanction call it what you will, it needs to fit the crime.
Unfortunately I keep coming across cases where the husband or boyfriend simply nukes the relationship to instant death over an infraction believing that to be the Alpha response. Plus numerous cases where on reading of a husband that successfully manages a wifely infraction, I read comments calling for him to “kick the bitch out”. The problem is already fixed and commenters are so locked into nuking as a strategy that they can’t see the forest for the trees.
Nuking is really more about revenge than self-preservation. If you come home early and catch her in the act, then sure I can sympathize if you just start the divorce process rolling while she’s putting her clothes back on. Really, I get that. But if you’re doing the same over a few flirty text messages, or frequent Facebook messages, then you’re over reacting if you’re instantly calling for a moving truck. You find out what’s going on first and address what you find. If she continues with unacceptable behavior then you step it up a notch.
It’s like progressive discipline at work. Small warning, larger warning, final warning, thanks for playing.
What I suspect the real problem for a lot of men is that they have so much resentment built up inside them from all the times they allowed themselves be taken advantage of in the past, or genuinely got screwed over by a woman, that they have an element of built in rage that hasn’t been worked through. So when “one little thing” happens ALL the previous rage gets triggered and “kick the bitch out” becomes the battle cry. Then the response can be so dramatic that once your anger simmers way and the dust settles your woman may not have any comfort left in your relationship and she may not want to return anyway.
And lets be clear on this one too – revenge sex, property destruction and physical violence does not solve anything beyond a momentary checking up of her behavior and it causes potentially much larger and more serious problems for you.
And to be fair, your marriage hopefully lasts a very very long time. You’re bound to screw up along the way yourself. Pray her tactic isn’t nuking too. Family court isn’t your friend.
The 600 text messages were to the wifes brother discussing her marital crisis. The couple in question had some other issues going on, but cheating wasn’t one of them. Things are fragile, but improving for them. True story.

If You Show Weakness How Do You Recover?

To what extent, and what kind of weakness can you show to a woman? The easy answer is “none, ever” but if I spend any amount of time around a woman she is going to see me confused, frustrated, or angry. Some women seem to have zero tolerance for this, others it bothers them a great deal but you can recover after a while.

If you do show weakness, how do you recover?
Hi there,
Obviously openly weeping on a first date isn’t going to work at all, but I’m assuming we’re talking about a longer term relationship.
I’m not sure you really need to worry about your momentary emotions affecting women negatively as opposed to just giving up on something and throwing in the towel to admit defeat. Some of men’s greatest achievements have come with a great deal of confusion, frustration and anger along the way. Life and relationships have ups and downs, so feeling bad at times is completely normal. You just don’t quit something because you feel bad though.
Showing a range of emotions to a woman is generally experienced as you being emotionally engaged with her. So it can be a positive version of the Beta Traits in that it creates a sense of you’re in a real live relationship rather than just playing a game. But if you simply frame it all as defeat, failure and quit, you’re failing on the Alpha front and that’s what kills the attraction. You can say something was a bad decision and a mistake, but you can’t just flounder in the aftermath, you’ve got to take what you can from the wreckage and move on to bigger and better things.
In the end, if you can’t share your actual real life with a woman and sustain the relationship, you’re dealing with someone lacking in empathy. So that isn’t someone that you want to have kids with, marry, or buy real estate with. You want to be in a relationship with a team player, not a soloing specialist who wants to cut you from the team the first time you miss a shot. Or even worse someone who wants to keep you mired in failure so you can’t develop further.
So if a woman you’re dating walks out on you because of your momentary emotional state, thank your lucky stars that you didn’t have to go to court to get rid of her. It hurts in that moment that she pivots away from you and her heels click off into the distance, but it’s probably a gift that she’s going now rather than later.
I know it’s not easy to do, just stop worrying about women. Go find that thing you do and go do it. Hammer away at it until it’s yours. Be passionate about something. Women have a funny way of seeking out guys that can get it done.
So to answer the original question, “if you do show weakness, how do you recover?” it’s quite simple.
You recover by winning. Winning at whatever the hell it is you’re trying to prove yourself at.
Now get to it.

Marriage Counseling Is A Red Herring

One of the touchstones of saving a troubled marriage is heading off to marriage counseling. Unfortunately marriage counseling can often be a time and money wasting red herring. On one hand it’s supposedly about communication, but often troubled couples are communicating to each other just fine, it’s simply that they aren’t attracted to each other. So all marriage counseling does in those cases is explain in greater clarity that they aren’t attracted to each other.
It’s the old thing where if the husband stacks the dishwasher wrong… if the wife is horny for him she just restacks the dishwasher and runs it. Maybe she playfully tells him off about it, but it’s as much to instigate sex as anything. If she isn’t hot for him she screams that he’s an asshole and can never do anything right. Then he restacks the dishwasher and she still isn’t happy about it and does it herself anyway.
If those two go to counseling, the wife is going to complain about is inability to help around the house – especially the dishwasher screw ups. Then the counselor will likely suggest to the husband that he should really pay more attention to the household chores etc. After all, there’s good research that shows that husbands that help out around the house get on better with their wives. But it’s never actually about the dishes, so he’s stacks the dishwasher right for a while and she still isn’t interested in him sexually. So the problem of their low attraction continues.
Plus sometimes I suspect marriage counseling is just a social rite of passage before a divorce as a way of making the divorcing partner look better. “We tried everything! I’m not a bad person, we tried marriage counseling but he just wouldn’t listen to what the counselor had to say! I FOUGHT to keep this marriage together. Even the marriage counselor agreed he was too stupid to stack a dishwasher.”
Unless both sides of the couple really want to work and listen and are going to a counselor that works on the process of short term objective goals, (see Solution Focused Brief Therapy as a starting point)  it’s all just a waste of time and money in my opinion. Especially for the man if the counselor wants to do nothing but talk about the past and feelings. That’s likely just means he’s going to lose the arguments he’s already lost with his wife again, but this time for $150-200 an hour.
But even so, $150-200 a half a dozen times could likely be more productively spent on gym memberships, a couple of sexier outfits, date nights, some flowers, a couple of sex toys and the teeth whitening place at the mall. In any case, if you can get together in the middle of the day or evening without the kids in tow, getting a hotel room for an hour and just having sex is cheaper anyway. I’ll bet my way does more to fix a relationship than just talking about your relationship problems with a counselor does. Action beats talk everytime.
And maybe I’m just cynical…  but one of the vocations with the highest divorce rates is marriage counselors! Isn’t talking to a marriage counselor about your marriage like going to a dentist that has crappy teeth?