Jennifer’s parents have this amazing street that still goes all out for Halloween, so we make it into our annual Candy Mecca for the kids. Of course kids with cell phones and Facebook talk to other kids… and pretty soon the word on the street is that the Kay kids have the hot ticket and pretty soon we have the entire giggle of girls wanting in.
So knowing that I’m going to play taxi driver for my youngest daughter and her friends down to my in-laws place, I decide to plan ahead. Actually let me explain why I have to plan ahead. These are all good kids, but one of them is like Kermit the Frog on cocaine in terms of the sheer verbiage that spews from her mouth. She is a good kid, she’s not disrespectful or anything, but it’s just like Robin Williams and a Gatling gun made a baby together and she has the Gatling gun’s sense of humor. I feel bad for just tolerating her, but I just can’t take it.
So anyway… 30 minute car ride with this kid. Something has to be done…
Husband discovers 600 text messages to the same unknown number in a month on the wifes phone bill. Hold that in your head as you read…
Eventually in a marriage your wife is going to do something that crosses the line. That thing might be something major or something minor. It might be crossing the line on something you’ve discussed and agreed on, or something that was a non discussed unwritten rule. Perhaps you weren’t even aware of the rule floating in the back of your mind until she broke the rule and you got angry about it. She can cross the line on purpose or unintentionally. Eventually though, she is just bound to do something that really pisses you off.
The non-Alpha response when she crosses the line is simply to down play it, not respond and internalize the anger. You might express anger but it’s usually framed as a polite request. Or you quietly fume and act out your anger passively. It’s usually pretty ineffective as a strategy in that she’s not really been made to suffer any consequence for her actions. You’re acting less socially dominant than she is and just sucking up her shit like she’s your boss and you’re her employee.
The Alpha response is to go on the offensive and bump back on her behavior and make sure she understands that whatever it was isn’t shouldn’t happen again. There’s a balance between the seriousness of the offense and intention. There’s a world of difference between her having sex with another guy and a few random text messages to a guy about nothing in particular that she told you about. There’s a world of difference between her crashing the car into the closed garage door and tapping a trash can. There’s a world of difference between losing her job for tardiness and being five minutes late for a date. There’s a world of difference between shoplifting and overdue library books. Balance people, balance.
In short, whatever level of disagreement / expression of anger / punishment / sanction call it what you will, it needs to fit the crime.
Unfortunately I keep coming across cases where the husband or boyfriend simply nukes the relationship to instant death over an infraction believing that to be the Alpha response. Plus numerous cases where on reading of a husband that successfully manages a wifely infraction, I read comments calling for him to “kick the bitch out”. The problem is already fixed and commenters are so locked into nuking as a strategy that they can’t see the forest for the trees.
Nuking is really more about revenge than self-preservation. If you come home early and catch her in the act, then sure I can sympathize if you just start the divorce process rolling while she’s putting her clothes back on. Really, I get that. But if you’re doing the same over a few flirty text messages, or frequent Facebook messages, then you’re over reacting if you’re instantly calling for a moving truck. You find out what’s going on first and address what you find. If she continues with unacceptable behavior then you step it up a notch.
It’s like progressive discipline at work. Small warning, larger warning, final warning, thanks for playing.
What I suspect the real problem for a lot of men is that they have so much resentment built up inside them from all the times they allowed themselves be taken advantage of in the past, or genuinely got screwed over by a woman, that they have an element of built in rage that hasn’t been worked through. So when “one little thing” happens ALL the previous rage gets triggered and “kick the bitch out” becomes the battle cry. Then the response can be so dramatic that once your anger simmers way and the dust settles your woman may not have any comfort left in your relationship and she may not want to return anyway.
And lets be clear on this one too – revenge sex, property destruction and physical violence does not solve anything beyond a momentary checking up of her behavior and it causes potentially much larger and more serious problems for you.
And to be fair, your marriage hopefully lasts a very very long time. You’re bound to screw up along the way yourself. Pray her tactic isn’t nuking too. Family court isn’t your friend.
The 600 text messages were to the wifes brother discussing her marital crisis. The couple in question had some other issues going on, but cheating wasn’t one of them. Things are fragile, but improving for them. True story.
To what extent, and what kind of weakness can you show to a woman? The easy answer is “none, ever” but if I spend any amount of time around a woman she is going to see me confused, frustrated, or angry. Some women seem to have zero tolerance for this, others it bothers them a great deal but you can recover after a while.
If you do show weakness, how do you recover?
Obviously openly weeping on a first date isn’t going to work at all, but I’m assuming we’re talking about a longer term relationship.
I’m not sure you really need to worry about your momentary emotions affecting women negatively as opposed to just giving up on something and throwing in the towel to admit defeat. Some of men’s greatest achievements have come with a great deal of confusion, frustration and anger along the way. Life and relationships have ups and downs, so feeling bad at times is completely normal. You just don’t quit something because you feel bad though.
Showing a range of emotions to a woman is generally experienced as you being emotionally engaged with her. So it can be a positive version of the Beta Traits in that it creates a sense of you’re in a real live relationship rather than just playing a game. But if you simply frame it all as defeat, failure and quit, you’re failing on the Alpha front and that’s what kills the attraction. You can say something was a bad decision and a mistake, but you can’t just flounder in the aftermath, you’ve got to take what you can from the wreckage and move on to bigger and better things.
In the end, if you can’t share your actual real life with a woman and sustain the relationship, you’re dealing with someone lacking in empathy. So that isn’t someone that you want to have kids with, marry, or buy real estate with. You want to be in a relationship with a team player, not a soloing specialist who wants to cut you from the team the first time you miss a shot. Or even worse someone who wants to keep you mired in failure so you can’t develop further.
So if a woman you’re dating walks out on you because of your momentary emotional state, thank your lucky stars that you didn’t have to go to court to get rid of her. It hurts in that moment that she pivots away from you and her heels click off into the distance, but it’s probably a gift that she’s going now rather than later.
I know it’s not easy to do, just stop worrying about women. Go find that thing you do and go do it. Hammer away at it until it’s yours. Be passionate about something. Women have a funny way of seeking out guys that can get it done.
So to answer the original question, “if you do show weakness, how do you recover?” it’s quite simple.
You recover by winning. Winning at whatever the hell it is you’re trying to prove yourself at.
Now get to it.
One of the touchstones of saving a troubled marriage is heading off to marriage counseling. Unfortunately marriage counseling can often be a time and money wasting red herring. On one hand it’s supposedly about communication, but often troubled couples are communicating to each other just fine, it’s simply that they aren’t attracted to each other. So all marriage counseling does in those cases is explain in greater clarity that they aren’t attracted to each other.
It’s the old thing where if the husband stacks the dishwasher wrong… if the wife is horny for him she just restacks the dishwasher and runs it. Maybe she playfully tells him off about it, but it’s as much to instigate sex as anything. If she isn’t hot for him she screams that he’s an asshole and can never do anything right. Then he restacks the dishwasher and she still isn’t happy about it and does it herself anyway.
If those two go to counseling, the wife is going to complain about is inability to help around the house – especially the dishwasher screw ups. Then the counselor will likely suggest to the husband that he should really pay more attention to the household chores etc. After all, there’s good research that shows that husbands that help out around the house get on better with their wives. But it’s never actually about the dishes, so he’s stacks the dishwasher right for a while and she still isn’t interested in him sexually. So the problem of their low attraction continues.
Plus sometimes I suspect marriage counseling is just a social rite of passage before a divorce as a way of making the divorcing partner look better. “We tried everything! I’m not a bad person, we tried marriage counseling but he just wouldn’t listen to what the counselor had to say! I FOUGHT to keep this marriage together. Even the marriage counselor agreed he was too stupid to stack a dishwasher.”
Unless both sides of the couple really want to work and listen and are going to a counselor that works on the process of short term objective goals, (see Solution Focused Brief Therapy as a starting point) it’s all just a waste of time and money in my opinion. Especially for the man if the counselor wants to do nothing but talk about the past and feelings. That’s likely just means he’s going to lose the arguments he’s already lost with his wife again, but this time for $150-200 an hour.
But even so, $150-200 a half a dozen times could likely be more productively spent on gym memberships, a couple of sexier outfits, date nights, some flowers, a couple of sex toys and the teeth whitening place at the mall. In any case, if you can get together in the middle of the day or evening without the kids in tow, getting a hotel room for an hour and just having sex is cheaper anyway. I’ll bet my way does more to fix a relationship than just talking about your relationship problems with a counselor does. Action beats talk everytime.
And maybe I’m just cynical… but one of the vocations with the highest divorce rates is marriage counselors! Isn’t talking to a marriage counselor about your marriage like going to a dentist that has crappy teeth?
I am 36, she 34, married for 12 years, have 2 kids. I am pretty alpha, but well balanced with beta. My alphaness has fallen in the last couple of years, but not below the “acceptable” level. Basically, this is the situation:
She has been on a total hotness kick and has succeeded. she is getting lots of attention from other men, including the 25 year old bodybuilders I hang out with. This is making her VERY sexual and VERY confident. This sexuality and confidence are new to her, she is waking up from the Mother/wife role and into the hot woman role. She is not cheating on me at this point, but it is only a matter of time and opportunity. She has her eye on one guy, a 25 year old “super-alpha” with mad game.
Over this past weekend, our sex went wild. She has always been sexually reserved and this week she wanted it everyday and talking VERY dirty. Mentioned spicing it up and floated a trial balloon about me “spicing it up” with another woman. I interpreted this as a back door suggestion to see if I would reciprocate. I threw it back on her and she is indeed interested in sex with another guy. She won’t say who, but I am sure it is “super-alpha” because she “innocently” brought him up 5 or 6 times over the weekend and got a babysitter for Thursday so she could come to bowling night where he will be and Facebook messaged him that she had. He would not try to steal her away, but would definitely hit it a few times.
Thats pretty much where I am, looking at all the options. scared and excited, nervous and horny. Any input would be GREATLY appreciated.
I would think you need to nip this in the bud asap. I’ve covered a lot of this ground on The Hot Wife Fantasy post a few days back. She’s excited sexually because she’s really into the fantasy of sex with Mr. Super-Alpha. Which is understandable on some levels, but would badly damage the marriage of course. I would think you need to have a sit down talk with her that you can see she is sexually turned on, but that if she does anything with him you will file for divorce. Her sexual interest is normal though, I wouldn’t shame her for that, just she can’t act on it without you bringing severe consequences to bear.
You being horny is a natural response to her increased sexuality and as a sperm wars competition thing. It’s a normal reaction, but clearly you don’t want her to sleep with him.
Also “Alpha” is relative. If you’re hanging with a super alpha, he’s the Alpha Male of the Group. Which makes you a beta relative to him. Not good. You both need to break off contact with these guys. The point of contact of them and your wife is you, so you’re creating the environment that cheating can happen in. You’re facilitating the other man getting to your wife.
The Facebook connection is very worrying, there’s no reason she should be messaging him and setting up babysitting to be with him. I’d expect that he has been purposely working on her behind the scenes for a while. He’s probably been talking him “up” and talking you “down” to her for weeks. You say you don’t think he wants to steal her, just tap it a few times…. dude that is going to steal her from you. He’s simply not your friend.
I don’t think bowling on Thursday is a good idea. Suggest an alternate plan for the two of you. Anything would be better.
I don’t believe she has cheated yet either. But you must take direct action now to ensure that the door you have opened is shut.
Based on the overwhelming negative reaction to this post it has been removed. There are some valuable comments however.
A comment by Firelord on The Hot Wife Fantasy stuck out for me.
“I know that fantasy, best avoided IMO, it could have happened with a friend of mine everyone was in the right head space for it to happen, but my alarm bells went off in a big way and I overrode my dick that time.
As it happens the now X friend had been plotting to take my wife away from me, not that he would have succeed, but found out later he had been majorly poisoning the well behind my back.
Avoid that one like the plague guys.”
If there’s a particular guy that’s in mind for a threesome or cuckold experience, there’s a pretty good chance that the other man has been stirring the pot behind your back with your wife all along.
I would not regard that as “friendship” despite how ever long you have known him. Agree with cutting him out of your life.
Dad passed away peacefully this morning. There will be a gathering of some sort and New Zealand is simply too far to go to make it in time. As such I planned ahead and wrote this farewell piece several weeks back for when it was needed. He was still able to read it then and understand.
Everything I wrote about my father is true. Only after I finished the piece did I realize that everything I had written was also about me. Or at least what I would like to be true about me. Much of the content of our lives is different, but the style is so much the same.
To Whom It May Concern.
Please allow me to introduce Warwick Kay. Warwick has been working in his chosen field for some 65 years, spending the last 40 of them in my employment. As he is undecided on his next career move, this letter of reference will have to remain general in tone. Suffice to say I firmly believe that in whatever capacity he is employed in the future, he will remain as well liked, productive and diligent as he has been with us these many years.
Warwick is a man of remarkable intelligence and thought. Despite a lack of formal higher education he has a way of finding a new approach to old problems that often solves them. Likewise while he is grounded in what is possible and is free of magical thinking, he is not afraid to dream up something big. Simply put, if Warwick says something can be done, despite the appearance of his idea being impossible to outsiders, he can actually follow through and do it.
Warwick is fiercely competitive. He will with dogged determination do whatever it takes to find a way to win, whether that takes a single try or the better part of a decade to breakthrough to the pinnacle, he will keep hammering at it. Though he is competitive that zest for victory comes with a keen sense of fair play and what is right. Not only will he beat you within the rules, he sticks to the spirit of the rules’ intention too.
Warwick has an excellent sense of humor and fun. His personal hygiene is adequate.
Warwick is also generous with his willingness to offer help when asked. He offers advice without seeking manipulation of the asker into somehow benefiting himself.
Warwick is a builder. Whether that be; a terraced garden where there was just a wicked sloping backyard, an International level Go-Kart track where there was a swamp, a top quality bed and breakfast where there was just a house, or a friendship where there were strangers, he always leaves where he has been placed better off for his passing through.
As minor counterpoints to this glowing report; occasionally boisterousness has resulted in uncalled for wear and tear to company vehicles, also his sick day use recently has been somewhat excessive.
Mum and Dad met on a blind date and were married 45 years. Dad tried his best to overcome the cancer and played a good defense for over two years. Mum nursed him at home until the end.
Had a reader suggest as part of a self plan to “Alpha Up” to “work out and train for a marathon”.
I’m going to say yes and no to that idea. On one hand physical fitness is a definite good thing. If a woman’s got a choice between spreading her legs for a couch potato or a marathon runner, the marathon runner gets the bedroom eyes. Plus Jennifer said something in passing that “endurance is good” and I understand that too.
But consider this little matrix;
Cardio = Running = Flight = Beta
Muscle = Weights = Fight = Alpha
It doesn’t really turn a woman on to know that if the “bad guys” come, you can out run her.
By all means do a sport or activity that is going to improve your cardiovascular fitness, but you will get much better traction on pulling her sexual interest by developing and maintaining a proper muscle mass and tone. Essentially the only route to really achieving that is by some sort of weights routine.
Not only that but you will feel the difference in as little as a month of doing weights and carry yourself better. The goal is not to turn yourself into a muscle bound hulk, but something akin to Michelangelo’s David. Though pay no attention to the size of his penis, he’s made of marble, so obviously he’s quite cold.
(Hang on… what the hell did Jennifer mean by that?!?)